Our Gondola Ride

Me & Mom

Auntie, Mom & I

Our Gondola

All of us on our Gondola...getting ready to take off...

Our Gondolier

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It was such a nice & relaxing thing to do. The gondolier had nice Italian music playing.
It was SO relaxing to just go along & hear the drip of the water from the oars...& the houses were/are gorgeous over there & charming. One that was 4 sale....is going for $11 million!!!!

They provided cheese, salami & French bread, we brought sparkling cider, Apple-Cranberry & original Apple. It was really nice.

We made a toast: To the Girls!

Chasing Cars

I LOVE this song.

Have you heard it?

Thank you Loreal Truffle Medium Brown Ash!

Ever feel like a box of hair dye will CHANGE your life FOREVER?

I bought some last night, even spent more than I normally would for even a haircut.... $17.89! It was a 'multitonal color kit' which included dye AND highlights! ;-) The pix on the boxes are so funny & the women (& of course their hair) just look gorgeous. Oh! & the color names are so funny!

My SIL helped me, well, ok she did it all. lol I actually bought 2 different boxes because I wasn't sure which one would look best. I normally prefer lighter hair color but since it's fall, I decided to do something different & go darker w/ highlights. The woman on the box looks like she surely doesn't use this product to 'cover gray'! (& neither do I btw! lol)

I started thinking about how much we sometimes vainly hope that one thing, like a little ol' box of hair color can somehow give a complete life makeover.

If I look @ the box I could easily believe: I will have NO crows feet, my ears will no longer stick out, I could become a model, my breasts will surely produce instant lift & then I'll be on the cover of Victoria Secret catalog! One success leads to antoher! All my problems will instantly disappear! :D

Then you rinse.....& you suddenly realize your hair is DARK CHOCOLATE! I HATE dark chocolate! I wanted to be milk chocolate frappuccino w/ a touch of caramel swirl!

Oh the reality!

It did come out nice though. :o)
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My mom got her haircut yesterday & she looked absolutely fabulous! And even younger..I can only imagine how many MORE times I will be told we look like sisters. lol She was having a pretty good day & my dad said maybe he should take her to Disneyland every week!

Wednesday (tomorrow) we; mom, aunt, SIL & I are scheduled to go on a gondola ride. I can't wait. I will have lots of pix to share, of course.

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It is still very overwhelming to keep track of my mom's medications, dosages & frequency. My SIL got her a great pill pox/book thing. My aunt made a chart. But trying to talk to my mom about it, or watch over her shoulder is very frustrating. Yesterday she almost took 2 doses of something. I saw her empty them into her hand & as I tried to mention it to her, she insisted she knew what she was doing & tried to explain that she had skipped a dose earlier & was going to take it now. I already knew that & was trying to make sure, though, that she was not doubling up, taking a dose from 'evening' AND 'bedtime' together.

Then my dad cuts in & says there is a pill she is not to take anymore. SO I am now wondering WHICH pill she is not to take anymore & he's trying to get the pill box which I had handed to my aunt. My aunt comes over to explain that mom skipped an earlier dosage from earlier, it was an 'optionl/as needed' medication.

BUT dad was really trying to say what my aunt just said & what I already KNEW. AND my mom DID have 2 doses in her hand!!!!

Then my mom snaps: "I would have caught it." I'm not so sure of that.

It was so irritating. Right now my aunt is overlooking & organizing the meds...but WE have to know for when she is gone. I know it's overwhelming. I am overwhelmed, but we need to know what is going on & we need to communicate clearly & we need to stop jumping in on everything all @ once @ the same time.

Finally made it to Disneyland! :-)

3 Generations

Me, Mom & my DD

I kinda got into a little tiff w/ my mom on Saturday night. I was so frustrated w/ her. She was very tired, kinda moping around & not wanting to do anything! She hadn't even washed her hair. The women in our family have a history of depression so I knew this was not a good sign. I tried to encourage her told her htat people who look better generally feel better. She misunderstood & was insulted. I also told her that she needed to increase her activity level. She was too young to be so inactive right now.

But I think it helped. I did not see her that much on Sunday. After church they went out to eat then took a drive. They didn't particularly invite me. While they took their drive, they came across a kite festival & checked things out there for a bit. When I got to my mom's house later that afternoon, they were not home, still @ the festival. I was glad though that she had gotten up & out.

Her legs were still very swollen but when she came home, she said we were definately going to Disneyland on Monday & we did.

We thought it would be funny to squish into this telephone booth @ CA Adventure. Why? Cause we're freaks! lol

SIL & I

**blogger's being uncooperative again...so I will post a few more pix later.**

Have you ever felt like such a JERK?

On the way home from Disneyland w/ my dad (Friday evening) I got into this conversation ;

We're talking about my mom & stuff & my dad says: "Hopefully, the chemotherapy will burn the cancer out." Or something like that. I'm just like hunh???? Thinking, does he really believe that? Has he not heard what the doctors have been saying?

So I gently tell him that that is NOT what the chemotherapy will do. The drug she is beign given is NOT going to kill or cure the cancer. It just won't. It is to extend her life by possibly slowing down the cancer growth. I told him the only way she will survive this is by the will of God, a miracle & it is ok for us to hope for that. But it won't be from the drugs or anything like that. Scientifically, the drug will not stop the cancer, it just won't.

He got quiet & he sounded like he was sniffling & I felt like such a JERK! Like I killed any hope he might have had. But is he in denial? So I asked him if I made him feel bad...he said no he just....& his voice trailed off. Then he said, "Well, I hope God heals her then."

I todl him me too, we all do. & it's ok to hope for that, we're all hoping for that. But we'll be ok. You'll be ok & mom will be ok. Implying, not ok that she'll get better, but ok that we'll get through this together.

I felt awful....but he needs to be prepared.

Then he made a comment like he better start making plans w/ her or something & I asked him what plans he would make...thinking he meant like going on trips or something & he said: "Well, finding out where she wants to be buried." I said, "yah, we need to do that....but we have time. We'll know when it's closer to the end."

Up, down, up, down, up down.....STOP already!

Thursday, my mom's legs began swelling very badly. Her doctor sent her to the ER to check for blood clots. All clear. She also started vomitting again, never sure why. She also took her sleeping pill (half) around 1:00 am which makes ehr groggy all day. She did not think she would need it but when she woke up & was unable to go back to sleep, she took it. She commented that she was 'depressed' & couldn't sleep. Not a good sign.

I kept asking when she'd like to go to Disneyland.....but she was afriad she would be too tired & 'ruin everyones' time. I assured her that would not happen...but still, no go. Friday mornign was her first chemotherapy appointment, it was uneventful.

Later, I insisted that my dad take a 'break' & go w/ us to Disneyland. He didn't really want to but my mom helped talk him into it.

My aunt came in from OR on Thursday morning so I told him it would probably be good to let them spend some time together while we go hang out @ Disneyland. He reluctantly agreed. It wasn't that fun, but it was ok. The weather doesn't help, it was over cast & chilly all day.



My dad treated the ktbunch to coonskin caps! lol We went on a few rides, then we all realized we were hungry, which made us tired...so naturally, we went home. lol

My SIL is a MANIAC!

Seriously!

When my mom first went into the hospital we cleaned/straightened up & decluttered her kitchen, adding decorative touches that she had stored away. Ok, fine. That was nice.

Then my SIL moved into her bedroom & redid all of that, moving right on to the connected spare room. She even ripped out the carpet, to reveal lovely wood floors underneath. She again, cleaned, decluttered & straighted up, including the closet.

Moving right along into the hallway that included 2 closets. Moving down the hallway to my grandma's old room. Got THAT in tip top shape. The girl doesn't stop.

Well, the other day I was @ Walmart & found a perfectly darling chubby chef border that would match my mom's kitchen all too well. Of course I bought it....but I made the mistake of showing my mom instead of just putting it up while she was gone. My mom said the kitchen needed to be painted first. aarrgghh.

SIL then said, 'buy the paint & I'll do it tonight'. They didn't...but they went out & got some new bedroom furniture. SIL offered to paint the bedroom for them. ok. They bought the bedroom paint yesterday, forgot the kitchen paint. She went in there & by evening had half the room done.

I almost felt guilty. BUT she refused to have anyone help her because she said she would get upset if someone was helping her & didn't do it 'right'. {ie: her way} lol SO that settled it. No guilt from me. lol Apparently, she's a bit of a control freaky. ;-)

This was disturbing....

Last night I had a freaky dream; We were in my grandma's (dad's mom) old house, dad was in a bedroom. My mom had died in the hospital but NO ONE told me so I could go see her. I went in to the room my dad was in, asking him where she was & he replied that they were getting her ready for the funeral (the funeral home). He told me to get out! He was taking me & my brothers somewhere. (like we were children, but we're all grown) & he was like 'nothing'.

I left the room & my mother was right outside on a gurney or something & then she just got up & started talking to me...but I knew she was dead, so I started screaming hysterically & was afraid. I was up against a counter & I was so scared & screaming that I climbed onto the counter to get away from her so she couldn't touch me. My mom seemed unaffected by my reaction & even said that she saw grandma (her mom that died 2 mos ago) & that she says hi.

I saw my SIL in the background & thought to myself that she could not see my mother because my mother was NOT really there. But my dad came up & grabbed my mother to distract her from my screaming. Then I thought, they are going to take me to the hospital & give me a sedative or something because I'm flipping out. Then my aunt was there (mom's sister) & mom was talking to her normal but *I* was ignoring my mom, thinking she is not real, she is dead, but talking to my aunt. My aunt was talking to her though.

Then I suddenly woke up w/ a gasp. I wanted to call my brothers right away to check if anything had happened to mom & they didn't tell me...but it was 7:20 am...I KNEW they'd all still be asleep & told myself everything was fine since it was just a dream. Then I just started crying, wrote it down & tried to go back to sleep.

Besides all that.........mom is supposed to come home from the hospital this evening. Today she got a blood transfusion. 2 pints. They said her blood was 'weak' & she needed it & if she took it she could go home. 3 of 4 doctors think she is fine...the 4th is not so sure & is still worried, he was overruled though.

The 4th doctor is their family physician. Personally, I think he is being ultra conservative because he feels a bit of guilt for not catching this sooner...although there was/is no way to 'catch' it. From what I hear from the rest of my family (everyone but me & my family go to him) he is an excellent & very caring doctor. He is close to my family & I think this makes it extra hard for him & that is what leads me to believe what I do about the situation & his relationship to it.

My mom has an opposite RH factor from all us kids....so she could not have our blood. BUT I wish she could have had mine though. It was brought up as a possibility when my brother first called this morning to let me know what was going on. I would feel like I REALLY did something to help her if she had my blood.

Life is in the blood.

While she was getting her transfusion, they also gave her potassium, via IV. The nurse warned it may burn & my mom has had it before. Well, it was hurting my mom SO bad she started crying. My brother & dad had left to get something to eat. I felt so bad for her. I told her it would be ok & once it was done, she could go home...only a little while longer.

The nurse came back to give her a pain reliever but decided, finally just to stop it altogether & send it to the pharmacy to have them add 'lidocaine' to help numb the vein instead. I think the nurse felt bad for her too. Finally she restarted it but it still hurt, but not as bad so they put an ice pack & that seemed to help but since it was restarted, the time also restarts.....

Mom was also very tired, in & out. She would be talking, fall asleep for a few seconds & then wake up trying to pick up where she left off in the conversation. Sometimes though, she would start dreaming & say something completely wierd & unrelated. That made lil e & I crack up! lol

Tennis anyone?

Daddy has decided to teach the littles to play tennis. :-) Today was another lesson. They LOVE it. Here L is learning to move side to side. Looks good hanh?

When we met...he was a tennis instructor for children.













Sam is doing well, actually. Keep your eye on the ball, Keep your eye on the ball. That is what he keeps saying to himself.






L is making SUCH a funny face here. I totally LOL'd when I saw this pic. :oD










Waiting for another return.













L needs a bit more personal instruction. lol

Back to the Hospital.

Mom had to be readmitted to the hospital again today. She was NOT happy about that. Who would be? She ahs a high white cell count & fevers & the doctor must make sure there is no infection. The regualr oncologist is out of town but his associate caem in. He has an excellent beside manner. He answered all my parents questions & I was glad I was there when he caem in.

He said, to him, it looks like the fevers are normal 'tumor fevers' caused by the cancer, but better safe than sorry. He also said the chemotherapy will have little to any side effects. NO hair loss, no more fatigue than she is already experiencing, little if any nausia (& she has medications for that) possible joint & muscle aches, but she also has pain medication as well.

He said she should have good effects since she is "young" & "healthy"...he also called her "thin". That's always good to hear. A visitor called her a 'sexy looking grandma' & said they couldn't believe she is a 'grandma'. My brother reported a previous visitor had quoted her age as 42.....she's 50! :-D

Hopefully she can be out of there by tomorrow & not miss her first chemotherapy appointment on Friday morning. It's ahrder to realx & visit in teh hospital...but I found my crochet hooks & you just can't know how HAPPY that makes me!!! My restless energy has it's outlet back.So now I'm good to go! lol

5 years ago, today......

I was @ home. I normally DON'T turn on the tv during the day, homeschooling, ya know.

DH was still an exterminator.
He called me, I'm remembering it being like 10 am but it obviously, must've been much earlier...

He says: We're being attacked!
Then I respond: by bees?
Him: we're on the news!
Me: i'm thinking, oh cool, The Bugman is on tv, maybe they are interviewing him for his expertise in Africanized Honey bees (aka: killer bees)
I ask: the Bugman?
He answers: No! Turn on the tv.
I think I asked him what channel & he said ANY channel.
Then he told me a plane hit the WTC & they think there's one flying over LA right now.

He was listening to Howard Stern as it happened....I turned on the tv. AND WHY didn't ANYONE else call & tell me? goodness!

I sat down & just sat there staring @ the television. For the first time I wanted to cry FOR my country. I could NOT believe it.

I thought of a scene from some old movie, I don't remember what movie it was, but there is a scene where Kennedy has just been shot, it shows a street in a small town, it looks like a ghost town & there is nothing but silence & a few people walking, crying. The narrator is talking about his mother crying that day or something, the loss of innocence or something.

In that moment, I finally understood that scene of that movie. I knew EXACTLY the feeling they were trying to convey.

I watched it w/ lil e & I held back my tears for him but I just wanted to really cry.
I saw the person or persons jump from the windows. I saw the 2nd plane hit. I saw them collapse.

Liberty is part of that "after 9/11 baby boom", born 9 mos later. Liberty seemed like a fitting name.

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DH was still an exterminator & the best BEE guy they had, so naturally when I heard the word 'attacked' I though 'bees'. lol

Because WHAT ELSE would I have thought of @ that point in time...see? No one could have expected THAT.

Now....if I hear the word attacked, I'm NOT thinking bees.....I'm thinking 'terrorists'.

I just thought of HOW our life has changed.........I used to think it cool that my kidbits could NOT comprehend being told to 'sit in the back of the bus' or going to school ONLY w/ children of thier same 'color', or having an entire race 'enslaved' based merely on thier skin tone. It makes no sense to them....BUT now they live in a world where they are afraid to fly in an airplane. (oldest, anyway)

They will NEVER know what it's like to see a loved one off @ the airport by waiting w/ them the entire time & watching the plane go down the runway. Now, they have to give a hasty good bye @ the curb! kwim?

It is now be commonplace to go through the metal detectors @ the airport, take off your shoes, not bring water ect. They clearly will KNOW the word terrorist in thier vocabulary now.

So we traded the word segregation for terrorist?

She looked great today!

Whew!

Another friend from work stopped by & brought her a bear from Build-A-Bear. Funny....I was just thinking about the SAME thing yesterday! lol It is a soft bear w/ patches & she named it Faith. It is so adorable.

I got there late, trying to straighten up my home a bit & do laundry. Plus the ktbunch wanted to play w/ their neighbor friends, I think they've been having withdrawals. lol As much as I wanted to get to my mom's ASAP, I think they need the 'breaks' too so I thought it was good for them to play w/ friends for awhile. I visited w/ my neighbor too. That's always nice. I worked on a fleece blanket for my mom while I was there, cutting the edges for fringe trim.

She was asleep when I got there but got up later when it was almost time for me to be leaving for church, so I stayed instead. I think God understands.

I was able to discuss their budget w/ her tonight. My dad will be VERY well taken care of, financially, when she dies. It's pathetic how much more valuable we are when we're gone. {rolling eyes} Unfortuneately, my mom's disability income will be a mere drop in the bucket...so we will have to fill in the gaps somehow.

I also found out she is NOT on another antibiotic. aarrggghhh. But it is good news. I asked my parents to PLEASE let me know next time they go to the doctor so I can attend w/ & take notes because I know how hard it is to get all the info & try to relay it accurately. I was kinda proud of myself because I was able to say it in a way that they weren't offended or anthing & agreed w/ me. That's always nice.

She liked the fleece blanket. I knew she would cause she was admiring one I had w/ me the other day. It is just the right amount of coziness when she gets a bit chilly.

I slept very late today...@ least it felt like it. But I felt pretty good once I finally forced myself up & took a shower. The boys did most of the straightening up of the living room because they wanted to go play. They work best when there is a 'reward' to be earned, like playing a video game or w/ friends. I don't know if that is a good thing but it works for us. :o)

L needs more training because she is the least helpful of all. I am working on her attitude mostly lately. She seems to cry so much. It's hard to tell if it's due to the recent stress & is unexpressed OR if it's a current character issue?

She will change her attitude eventually & come in & show me her smile......so I am not particularly 'hard' on her or them....but it's just hard to know sometimes. I asked her point blank if she was crying about grandma gale & she said no, it's because blah blah blah, something trivial. She has been praying every night though: Please help grandma gale not to die.

Today she's seeing things....

I think I read last night that you should call the doctor if this happens?

The doctor prescribed Ambian, to help her sleep. Well, apparently it works way too well. She took one last night, around 11 pm. She got up around 8 am & has been half out of it all day. Moving in slow motion. She REALLY looks like my grandma like that. :o(

She reported feeling like someone was touching her legs, then later her head & THEN she said she saw something move from her lap to my dad's. Eerie. That was when I realized she was seeing things & told my dad he needs to call the doctor first thing tomorrow.

Her antinauseia (sp?) med "may cause drowsiness" & something else she's taking "may cause drowsiness" so I still don't understand WHY she is SO tired but STILL has trouble sleeping, enough for the doctor to prescribe a sleep aid. ????

She vomited this morning & late this afternoon. None of this makes sense. Isn't that what the antinausia med is for? She is barely eating....she can barely eat. But then she will be MORE awake, almost wide awake around 9pm...when she should be going to bed to sleep.

One of her co-workers came by today, Aundrea. She was so sweet. She gave her a pedicure, massaged her feet & painted her toenails. She brought her some inspirational 'cancer' books, & some Mary Kay products. (she sells Mary Kay & my mom LOVES MK). Quite the pampering she got. She also brought a CD from work....my mom had saved lots of pix & emails on her work puter & had requested if someone could burn them for her on a disc but the co-worker who does that was out that day due to his own father's death. :o( But he did it when he got back so she brought it. :o)

I took the littles to a birthday party today. It was fun for them. I thought it would be a nice change of pace for them. L didn't want to leave, of course. I felt out of place. I know no one was staring @ me....I just felt that way...like that oddness when you have to face someone or people after an 'event' or something. I know it was just me...but it made me almost want to leave before I was even there, as I was walking up. I knew everyone would ask me how I was.

It's a caring question, but as soon as someone asks, I suddenly think: I don't know how I am. It's the same when someone asks me if I need anything. I don't know. I don't know what I need. DO I need anything?

I can talk about my mom, give a run down of her day, her meds, her reactions to meds. I can talk about how my dad is reacting, analyze my SIL actions, my ktbunch's reactions...but me? No. I have no idea. I'm actually fine, really. @ least I feel that way....most minutes of the day.

It is all hidden within my heart & mind. I have these moments, I am concerned. I am not grieving. I can not grieve yet. There is nothing to grieve for.....yet.

When the time comes, then I will. I will know that it is time & it is appropriate & I will have the appropriate reaction. For now. I do not know. I feel......'pensive'....That is an accurate word to describe it. I feel.....restless.

I do not want to clean to stay busy. I will sew, or crochet (if I could find my hooks! aarrggghhh) or pace around for nothing or I could nervously eat carrots all day.

I would LIKE to TALK to my mom. Ask her how SHE is feeling, not physically, but mentally. What is she thinking about everything. Reassure her that it will be 'ok'. It might not be what we want, but it will be ok. I'd like to tell her that it's ok to be scared, if she is. That she does not have to ask us if we are ok.

I'd like to have the tv OFF instead of on non-stop @ my parents house. I'd like to sit & play uno w/ her or crochet w/ her & compare notes, ask her opinion on a pattern or color scheme.

Instead all I get is this shallow relation & my own silent, lonely concern. She's practically HIGH from all this medicine. WHAT is the point of that? Can't even have a freaking conversation!!!

No, I don't want to get 'mushy'. But come on! Everyone else stays busy like a bee, doing busy work, cleaning this, washing that, dusting this. Tomorrow they will move on to the next room. Who cares? It won't matter in the end. I know they want her to feel relaxed & uncluttered. Ok. What will they do when there is nothing left to clean? Will they sit down then? I understand that that is how some people deal w/ 'these things'. I know that.

But I don't want to.

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I did not have a gift for the birthday party. I did not have time to run to the store to get what I wanted to make. I went afterwards....they did not have the fabric panel I wanted, to make the cloth book I had in mind, that the mother had specifically requested. I DID finish up a cloth book that was slated as a gift for another friend's dd a couple months ago. lol Better late than never. It came out quite nicely too. I inspired my cousin ( aka: my wicked step-sister) to make one.

She did a fine job too. I only needed to help her a little bit.

I'm STILL a dork!

I have 2 pair of favorite jeans, but 1 is more favorite than the other because they 'fit better', meaning they are not tight, ever.

So the other day I grab the tight ones & pull them on...woohoo! They are loose. I felt pretty good about that. It was the day we took my mom to the oncologist. I vainly admired myself in the office windows thinking I actually looked nice, in my newly loose jeans.

Later that night, I realized I was NOT wearing the tight jeans to begin w/! I was wearing my already loose jeans! :o/ lol

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My dad took my mom to the doctor today. She was still running her fever, & started vomitting again, alot. They suspect it may be her gall bladder & it that it may need to be removed. This is so confusing because when they were @ the hospital they said the gall bladder all looked good & there were no gall stones.

My brother just called to update me. The doctor upped the dosage on her pain patch. She is severly dehydrated, probably from the vomitting. Said to include some salt in her diet, water retention. He also give her something to help her sleep, said she needs her rest. Also noticed that she may be coming down w/ pnuemonia from the vomitting? So prescribed another antibiotic to knock it out right away.

The rest part does not make sense to me. She is tired ALL day. SO how could she need more rest? Is the tiredness cause she NEEDS the rest or is it from the medications? How does a person go from being fine but a little run down 3-4 weeks ago to barely being able to be awake for a few minutes or hours @ a time?

Is this the cancer progression? Does it move that fast? And if she is already this tired all the time & chemo is supposed to make it worse...then what is the point? What is the point of living a few weeks longer if you are only going to sleep them away anyway?

How will I know?

I keep thinking that I'll KNOW it's the end....when I go over there & she looks great, I know it's NOT the end. If she's up & about, it's NOT the end, if she's NOT in pain, I know it's NOT the end.

My dad was supposed to go to work today & he said no one would be there so he wanted me to get there fairly early...which is like, by 10 am. Try as I did, I did not get there before noon. He was there though, he didn't think to call & tell me.

He told me my mom & him were up all night, she was in alot of pain & vomitted, so he did not go to work. Hearing that, hearing of pain, makes me think it's closer to 'the end' than it was the day before. I was worried. She had some pretty dark circles under her eyes.

I had a dream last night that I was having surgery, nothing particularly major. I wasn't sure what it was for, an appendectomy or maybe getting my gall bladder removed.....I was awake during the procedure & had no pain medication BUT did not feel anything. Afterwards, I saw that my entire abdomen had been split open width wise which I knew was too severe for something like that. But I had no pain. I didn't feel anything. It left me w/ the impression that *I* can not *feel* anything right now, I'm not feeling pain but I am not feeling anything else either. emotionally? wierd.

She has a pain patch & it covers the pain pretty well. The oncologist did give her a script for another pain medication in addition to the patch, stating that it would eventually not be enough. {I think I mentioned that previously}... so if the pain is overriding the patch, it makes me nervous.

They did not turn in the script yet though. I told my dad 2x today to turn it in. I guess he forgot the first time & then said he would do it later. I don't think he did....or maybe he did, I don't remember.

Her first chemotherapy appointment is not until next Friday. Can they wait any longer? Goodness! When the prognosis is probably less than a year, don't they realize the value of waiting almost 2 weeks?

A co-worker offered my mom 2 tickets to fly anywhere she wanted...she says she has to 'plan' the trip. Why does everything have to be so complicated for them? I asked her WHY she wanted to wait. She got irritated w/ me & said everything always has to be a debate w/ me. I said I am not debating, just asking a question. She said because she was going to be starting chemotherapy & not sure how she would be feeling.

I told her yah, BUT you don't start chemo for a week so why not go NOW while you know you are doing ok, rather than waiting when you know you will most likely be feeling sick & tired? She said that was a good point.

I would do & go somewhere completely IRRATIONAL & hopelessly romantic. Like fly to Paris for ONE day to have a picnic in the country or something. Something you'd NEVER do IRL. kwim? But trying to get a passport would take too long. lol I think they might go to Ohio to visit my dad's other sister........because they've never been out there. I hope they decide quick.

Someone else brought a 'miracle' cure' over last night. I thought they were going to try & sell my parents some herbal remedy....they didn't. But it was some homemade concoction involving aloe vera & whisky? fermented even, I think. I am tired of that.

Maybe I should keep a sarcastic, running list of 'suggestions' we have been given that are sure to cure my mom: dried magic mushrooms boiled to a tea that will detox her body, the juice from the rind of some exotic fruit drank daily, eating the inside of the aloe vera plant, drinking an aloe vera/whisky mixture, purchasing the most expensive juicer I can find & going on an ALL raw fruits & vegetables diet & looking into the healing wonders of apricot seeds. Lets not forget ALWAYS thinking positive.

I am sure all of these things CAN be & are healthy for you (although I have my suspiscions about the aloe vera/whisky potion). And I know everyone means well but enough is enough.

Finally got started on our Disneyland scrapbook. My mom was sitting there falling asleep as we were talking about it so I told her to just go to bed & I would work on it & leave spots open for her to journal. I did about 3 pages worth...it doesn't look too good, pretty plain actually & blah. @ least the pix are getting in there though. I don't think I will have a chance to work on it tomorrow.

I have a business party tomorrow night. I don't really feel like doing it but I know I need to. I need to earn as much $$$$ as I can to help them out or @ least to have $$$ to do anything special my mom wants to do w/ the family. We are also invited to a birthday party on Saturday. I think it will be good for the ktbunch to attend. It's only slated for 2 hours so that is good. I hope I have time to get the cloth book I ahd intended for a gift sewn up tomorrow. Geting started is always what takes me the longest.

I need to get more sleep or else I am just useless during the day. But it is hard. It is hard to fall asleep & stay asleep. My house is a total wreck. I need to get back on track. I was doing ok for a the first week. Straightening up BEFORE I'd go to my mom's & a little before bed. Now my energy & motivation is shot. I'm pretty useless @ my mom's too & I am losing steam. I know that is not good for anyone.

Now I have school to do w/ the little & I need to keep on top of htat. I try to get as much of it done before we go to my mom's....so that has kinda replaced tidying. One good habit...when we come home...I make the ktbunch undress & put the clothes they are wearign directly into the washign machine so as NOT to add to 'the pile'. Hopefully, eventually, there will be no pile & only what is in the washer & currently being worn.

I finally got my mom to watch Bride & Prejudice last night. I knew she'd love it. It's just so cute. She was telling everyone she spoke to, about it, today. It's a musical knock-off of Pride & Prejudice, set in India. I've been looking for it to buy but can not find it.....I might have to just look online. I'd love to have the soundtrack too but I have not found that either. @ least not @ Target or Walmart.

I made some cute kitchen curtains

I sewed my mom some new curtains for her kitchen yesterday. They came out so nice, if I must say so myself. If I get a chance I'll post a pic later. We found a box of really cute dishes w/ red checkers & chefs on them, in her room. My SIL & I told her it was time to USE them.

She has other 'chef themed' kitchen items. SO I searched for chef fabric but couldn't find any---that would have been REALLY cute. Instead I found a fabric that was covered w/ a tan background of grapes & then wine bottles on top of that. I trimmed the sides & edges w/a small brick colored checked fabric. I LOVE them. My mom did too. I only did one window & I will try to make another set for the smaller window but then last night my mom said I needed to make some for the back door too....so I don't know. I never even noticed the back door had a curtain. lol

We had the oncologist appointment yesterday. I'm pretty sure my mom was shocked @ his words. I had to refrain from laughing @ him a few times but it wasn't because he was telling jokes, it was because of his mannerisms. He kinda almost stutters & you just want to say: SPIT IT OUT! Not a true stutterer, but in a beats around the bush, repeating himself kind of way. And he was wearing a cheap suit...maybe it wasn't cheap but it was almost shiny, silver-gray color & then w/ worn out brown shoes that went out of style in 1987. Who wears BROWN shoes w/ a gray suit? kwim? lol

But anyway...he told her clinical trials have shown that use of this certain chemotherapy drug have extended the lives of people w/ her cancer to nearly 12 mos. I know she was shocked to hear that & did not expect that @ all. I saw it in her face. She had her notbeook out to take notes & when he said that & it registered on her face.....she kinda looked away, dropped her head, her face started to break & then she just closed her notebook & put it aside....as if she had no more questions & if she did, they no longer mattered.

I know it was hard for her. I already knew that information, I knew the name of the drug he was referring too. I told you, I DID the research. I was prepared.

She composed herself, of course. After when we were waiting in lobby, she broke down again. I told her it doesn't matter what they say....she has to go out kicking @ screaming. THAT is the whole point. No ONE knows how long they have & no one can really say. It could be 2 days or 2 years but no matter what, we would ALL be right here w/ her.

I think it got through to her, after awhile. She started looking into some natural supplements & stuff. She said, she wants more than a year. She asked me if she only had a year does that mean she only has 11 more months cause a month was just wasted @ the hospital & doing all these tests? I told her, it doesn't work like that. NO ONE knows!!!!! It's not like the clock ticks & then her time runs out, you just don't know so we make the most of what we have.

The chemotherapy is NOT to eradicate the cancer. It won't do that. It is to maintain or stop the cancer growth as long as possible to extend the patient's life as long as possible. Eventually, it stops working, then the chemo stops.

She starts next week. One time a week for as many weeks as her body can take it. Then one week off. Then back on again.

It was frustrating last night. I got 2 movies for us to chillax & watch...but it seemed everyone was 'busy' doing 'nothing' so we never could sit down & watch it. I don't know what everyone was doing but we were never able to all sit down together, then it was time to leave.

After her doctor appointment, we drove out ot her job to clear out her office. Everyone was so happy to see her but still sad, you could tell. They wanted to hear what the doctor said, but she didn't want to tell them. She was afraid they'd take her off 'payroll'...but I'm pretty sure that's illegal so it's not even a possibility. kwim? Her friends really value her, there.

A couple were going to lunch @ this Sushi place that they like & my mom wanted to go. I do NOT like sushi--no I have never tried it & I am not planning on it anytime soon. lol I think DH would like that place. Anyhoo...so we went w/ them. One friend ended up treating us. I had the teriyaki beef & some rice, I asked for a fork cause they only give you chop sticks. My mom can even use them. lol And my dad. I thought that was so funny. The restaruant played upbeat 80's music which just seemed to fit the ambiance & made it 'perfect'. Everyone, the waitress, the chefs & the cashier all make a point to say thank you as you leave. Real funky (in a cool way) place.

The interesting thing was that my mom seemed to have quite a bit of energy, high spirits & good appetite while we were out. I'm thinking that maybe she needs to be OUT more, not just sitting around @ home. I'm thinking maybe I can get her to go to Disneyland Thursday or maybe Friday excpet that I have a business party Friday night....

I think it would be good for her & we can take grandma's wheelchair....hey they let you right on the rides when you have a wheelchair. lol I think it would be good for her.

She said she wanted to go to this fancy restaurant for her birthday in November...but SIL thinks maybe we should go this weekend before she starts chemo....& feels nausious & loses her appetite. @ the same time I think we should give her something to look forward too??? So I don't know.

The doctor also said he would give her a prescription for PAIN to go along w/ her patch...indicating that her pain would get worse & she will need more medication for it. That part scares me. Right now she is not feeling any pain @ all.

I'm glad I made the curtains...gave me something to do & something ELSE to talk about besides THIS.

I'm SO tired.

Exhausted really, physically, not so much mentally anymore...but it affects that way too.

Tomorrow is the appointment w/ the oncologist (?) @ the crack of dawn. The appointment is @ 8:30 am, so I'm planning on being @ my parents by 7:30....to be safe + all that back-to-work-after-the-holiday-traffic! aarrrggghhh.

I don't know WHAT this doctor will say. I wonder WHAT he will tell my mom exactly.

My mom's so tired all the time & that is a bit of a bummer.....doesn't seem like much 'quality' time is being spent @ all. But what can you do? The other day she 'took a walk'....made it 2 houses down then came back, exhausted. I've been wanting to work on our Disneyland scrapbook...since even before all this & even more now...we STILL haven't started. Maybe I should just start it myself but I think/thought she wanted us to do it together...but maybe she doesn't care either way?

I don't even know if we'll ever even go to Disneyland again....@ least w/ her.

I don't know if our last memories will be of everyone sitting around @ her house watching tv or what? She falls asleep w/ her mouth open & then she looks exactly like my grandma did when she died. It's too freaky. :o(

She's a bit anxious for her appointment tomorrow, afraid the doctor will want to run more tests. I told her the tests were over, there are no more, they already know what's going on.

We had a mini-bonfire tonight....I figured since it was Labor Day. I went & got the chocolate & graham crackers, my brother had the marshmallows already. My 2 brothers & lil e rasted them for us & I assembled the s'mores. My mom came out @ the end...for like 15-20 minutes...then I determined it was time to go cause I knew she was very tired & due to having to get up so early for the appointment tomorrow.

My brother burned a gigantic spider...well, 2 of them, one was just a garden spider, another was a Black Widow...so she deserved to die! haha. icky spider season! I came back from the 99 cents store w/ Pirate swords for the boys that made swish & clink sounds....I couldn't pass them up...even though I ONLY went for chocolate & graham crackers. lol I LOVE the 99 cents store. ;o)

Tomorrow is supposed to be the 'official' first day of school for my boys...I hope we can get some work done.....

Thank you for the Flowers

I forgot to mention it the other night.
When I got home there was a bouquet of yellow flowers on my porch, leaning against the front door.

I know yellow is for friendship. I was touched. There was no card but I know it is from my friends who care about me & my family & I really appreciate it & it means alot to me.

Thank you.

My Theme Song

Blessed be Your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing you pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darknes closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to stay
Lord, blessed be your name

TREE63

I am not WAITING for a miracle.

I have not lost faith, but I just accept it & whatever happens happens. I am not the one that denies it is happening right before my eyes & then miraculously my denial comes true. I'm just not.

I'm just taking it for what it IS. Even if she lives for 5 years, I'd rather live as if she may die tomorrow & cherish all the more, EVERY second I can. THAT is how *I* deal w/ this.

It is mostly how I've been living up to this point in most areas of my life anyway, in the BIG scheme of things, life is short even if you have 91 years, kwim?

I'm not giving up, I'm just living.

I am the one who told my mom I would not LET her go back to work, no matter what, why? cause it's a WASTE of TIME. Who cares? WHY waste 2 hours every stinking day commuting in stressful traffic? what's the point?

Maybe others can deal w/ it by not accepting it....ok. I just accept it & I am @ peace w/ whatever it may be. Not cause I don't have faith, but because I know things happen to good AND bad people, good things and bad things. It's just how it is.

I KNOW God had/has our days numbered, He knows the number of hairs on our head & He knew this all along. It was known since the beginning of time that this was our path. For some it turns into a miracle, for some it looks different.

I have witnessed many miracles in my life so far, I've no doubt He's still in the miracle business. lol Perhaps this diagnosis IS the miracle. A miraculous reminder to NOT take anything for granted. Maybe it will be what improves my marriage, what makes my family even stronger & closer, what will overcome wierd boundaries that you find within families, Maybe this will be what breaks down any walls of things left unsaid. I can be greatful for that.

A few weeks ago, I was REALLY upset over how things had gone & were going w/ my cousin's child molester father. I could not express to my parents how I really felt about how it all went down all these years....but I COULD express my opinions about what I thought re: my cousin...but that conversation, led to my mother apologizing for NOT doing anything. In that moment, I knew my heart was healed. It was a really strange feeling or I don't know what but I knew instantly, there was a closure & peace for something & like that was the last of what needed ever be said between us.

God knew that & has been preparing us all these years, months, weeks & days for this.

I don't want to sound so wierd, it's just the thoughts that I have. Everything leads up to this point & from here, I don't know if I have 2 weeks or 2 years, but I still plan on taking advantage of that time LIVING w/ my mom. kwim?

Not from the aspect that she is DYING (although I have accepted that she will) but from the aspect that we want to enjoy the time she is LIVING. That is what gets me through the days w/ her, that make it ok for us to laugh & joke around, like w/ my grandma. I don't know, this probably sounds wierd or lame or something. It's just the thoughts that I think in my head.

Never imagined THIS conversation

As soon as we got in the car last night to leave my parents house, my oldest broke down in crocodile tears. I asked him if he had been holding it in ALL day & he said yes. Poor guy.

It never occurred to me. I could tell that everyone else, including myself, kinda took mini-mental breaks through out the day during our time w/ my mom, walking outside, taking a phone call outside or what not.

I never thought to tell ds.

So I told him he didn't have to hold in his emotions, he could take 'breaks' too. I told him how if he felt like crying, but of course did not want to in front of 'grandma', he could go in the restroom & run the water & noone would hear him or he could go in the back yard or outside & take a little walk w/ the dogs.

I think this 'talk' was harder than the puberty talk. He is really close to my mom, this is going to be hard. :o(

THIS Moment

I feel like my entire life has been leading up to THIS moment. ALL my life choices & decisions have led to THIS.

How greatful I am right now that we/I chose to homeschool my ktbunch. How could I have known, 9 educational years ago that I'd be here. I am so glad that I will not have to worry about getting my kiddos going in the morning or break up my day in the afternoon to pick them up from 2 different schools to do homework afterwards or activities.

Instead, we can be @ my mom's everyday w/ her, enjoying our last days/months or however long, togther @ a liesurely pace. They can take their school work w/ us or work on it afterwards. I can/will be totally available to take her to any necessary appointments or whatever. We can spend days @ Disneyland together.

How greatful I am that I didn't let pride or anything else get in the way of my children's relationship w/ thier grandmother. As crazy as *I* feel after being w/ my mom more than a few hours (lol), I did not let that hinder thier time w/ her. If I disagreed w/ the extra movies/video games/freedoms or treats my parents may have indulged them in, I let it slide. It was nothing I couldn't 'de-program' them from @ home. lol

I let my oldest spend numerous nights over night there, staying up super late, watching movies, only to get up super early the next day, when they gladly took him bowling in his bowling league, which they paid for. I figured it was convenient for me w/ 2 littles @ home & special for them. How could I know how right I would be? Or how short their future may be?

Or how only a couple Octobers ago we were having a yard sale because we were SURE we were moving out of state.....only for Dh job to take a twist that convinced us to stay.

How could I know, 2 weeks ago, when I invited my mom, last minute, to join me for a scrapbook making workshop, that we'd be here? It was almost annoying how much she told me she enjoyed it & had so much fun. lol

Or when I got the notion for them to get passes to Disneyland so they could join us sometimes, that it could possibly have been/could be the last birthdays of my littles we'd celebrate, so magically, together? My dad even buying my mom a pair of funky golden Mouse ears.

I can honestly say, we have wasted NO time....no matter how short it may be.