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The Ktbunch & I particiapted in the La Cancer Challenge Sunday morning along w/ many of my mom's co-workers to raise $$$$ for the same foundation. We actually got lost & got there as the race ended but it was ok. lol

Our team raised over $3000.00.

I want to actually RUN or race next year so I was thinking I might start 'training' & it might be good therapy or something. @ least the excercise would do me good & I can race next year in memory of mom.

The funniest thing is: I HATE RUNNING! lol SO we'll see.

To My Children, My last Request

To you my children,

I leave one thought,

which I hope to be

everlasting,

that my love for you,

filled my heart,

always,

and in return,

even after I'm gone,

will fill yours.

So please,

this being my last request,

whether you remember,

my face,

my smile,

or my eyes,

please remember,

and know in your heart,

how very much,

I love you [both].

BGL

7-1975

We had the pastor read this poem @ the end of the service. My mother wrote it in 1975 & my brother found it in her closet. We excluded the word 'both' since there were only 2 of us @ the time she wrote it & there are now 3. She used to like to write poetry & we found many of them.

Her View....

Here are the balloons & notes, floating up to momma.

The right of the photo is the waterfall & the bridge, which is still under construction.

The funeral

The funeral was today. Everyone said it was beautiful & I spoke well....

It was better than the viewing last night...it was AWFUL! My mother looked absolutely HORRIBLE! Not just bad makeup...but the entire shape of her face was disturbing...she looked NOTHING like herself @ all...we gave them a picture & everything.

It was the same mortuary as my grandma & my grandma looked SO nice...so I don't know what the heck happened but it was SO disturbing for me, seriously. We even had a 'director' come down...he was in a LABCOAT!!!! (talk about DRAMA! All discussing embalming right there in front of the casket & everyone! My brother was pi$$ed!!!) I showed him a fairly recent picture & he looked @ her & it was SO obviously different....she looked BETTER when she was DEAD @ HOME!!!! It ruined my night & I felt ROBBED!

I was looking fwd to it as just a little more time w/ her but instead I couldn't even look at her...I wanted them to close the casket but my brother said it was TOO hard for my dad to do that...I requested it be closed for the service today but again...my brother said it would be too much for dad....SO instead....I just avoided it. I didn't go near the casket, did NOT let the ktbunch in....& today, I actually TOLD anyone I saw that really knew her, co-workers or my friends, to NOT look @ her because she looked embarrassingly awful. I don't mean she looked diff cause she was dead....they made her neck fat w/ rolls, wrinkles on the sides of her face under her eyes, she had NO cheeks bones & her mouth was stretched across her face. My GOD it was SO awful, I felt so bad...I took so much care to be sure she always looked nice & remained dignified & they did THAT? I don't understand WHAT they do but it looked like they let an amatuer do it. We sent her make-up for colors & nothing matched...I think her lips had PURPLE lipstick...her eyes were highlighted w/ WHITE eyeshadow?

WHen I saw her I SERIOUSLY thought they had made a mistake & it was someone else. Seriously. THen my mind was freaked out & I thought---WHERE is my mother? Maybe she is NOT really dead cause THIS is NOT her!!!!BUT I am pushing those thoughts out of my mind but I was just so upset & disappointed!! I've heard horror stories but I always though..oh that's YEARS ago, I'm sure things are better now...like I said, my grandma looked great, like herself but more vibrant. They just butchered my mother's beautiful face.

The service...everyone said was very nice...80-85 cars followed the funeral procession to the graveside....many more went straight to the reception or home. There were SO many people I didn't even get to talk to many of them....even my friends.

The balloon release was amazing...the balloons kinda sucked & were a bit flat but enough of them floated up for an amazing moment....the wind picked up & carried them away.. I HAVE to post a picture....everyone said it was so beautiful & amazing....the kids wrote notes...& so did I...& many other people....I released mine first...to see if it would even fly...it skittered along the grass...the ribbons were super long...then a breeze came & lifted it up & away...then the littles started to release theirs...some were too heavy so we quickly cut the ribbons...& retied the notes higher up on the ribbons...then released them....a couple went straight to the lake....but then a breeze came again & a bunch just started floating up as everyone started releasing them....I mean who would think some silly balloons could look so nice?

And we had this song playing that was so perfect, a Christian song.....a specefic line says: We will Praise You in the Storm...& it talks about waiting for God to wipe away your tears, it was beautiful. [Praise you in the Storm by Casting Crowns]

Her Funeral was today.

I'll write more about it later.

Today was fairly easy.

It's tomorrow, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, November, December & next YEAR that I am worried about getting through.

She's w/ her King now

...we knew the end was near. I literally stayed up ALL night w/ her. I woke my sil to help change her & give her tylenol. Her fever was incredibly high yet her hands were starting to get cold & her toes....her breathing was getting VERY shallow! I REALLY felt a NEED to be there w/ her when she died & started thinking maybe she didn't want me there & that was why she was hanging on, waiting for me to leave.

Morning came & I went to take a cat nap cause my SIL & uncle (he came down from OR) were telling me I HAD to & I figured she was doing ok for now....blood pressure steadily dropping, heart rate climbing, skin discoloration & the cool hands....but still breathing.

I REALLY wanted to get her (mom) washed up.....knowing it might be anytime now & she was so hot from the fevers. The nurse came by to check in...confirmed what we had been knowing...says it could be hours or days, never know for sure. (same thing they always said)

Finally, around noon or a bit afternoon, we finally got a chance....you know there was always other family wanting to visit w/ her.

SO we got everything ready...we're still running on empty so it was taking us longer to get our thoughts together. My brothers went to p/u nephew from school & drop off a check to funeral home (I wrote the other one wrong). Dad & other uncle went to Home Depot for trashbags or something. DH just left for work & there was a worship leader & asst. pastor here in the living room & the kidbits running around, my grandma & other aunts were in the living room & my older cousins.

So we start to change her, notice distinct purple bruising on the back of one calf......comment that it is getting REALLY soon...not aware what that really means. Turn her over & *I* notice a wierd white spot on her back, I rub it & it turns into the same distinct bruising. We figure the fluids, maybe blood, in her body is starting to settle. Her lower back we also notice, is starting to look like that too, very quickly.

I get a phone call from brother from funeral home, some minor question & I take the phone & walk into the other room leaving aunt & SIL w/ mom, real quick.

They call me back....I walk in & my my aunt says quickly: it's happening. And I THINK: it's HAPPENED! I don't tell my brother but say ok bye. They roll her back onto her back all @ the same time. We, someone, says we need to cover her, we were in the middle of changing her, so we quickly grab a nice sheet & put it quickly & neatly over her. (she did have a nice pink gown on because we had just changed her into a fresh one)

It's just the 3 of us in there. I see my mom's eyes open & mouth move so I get frightened & gasp. Then her mouth moves a few more times & I gasp & feel very shaky, kinda start hyperventilating & tell my aunt that she's still breathing!!!! But then it stops---it's like in seconds this is all happening. She is gone, her eyelids are partially open & her mouth is slack. I know she is gone.

My aunt calls my uncle...on his phone, but he is in the next room & comes in....he's like, ok, ok, it's ok, katy, girls, nancy, it's ok.

It's like we're 3 chickens w/ our heads cut off.

I am gasping frantically, I feel scared. A million thoughts are running through my head, I feel weak & think I might faint or I want too...sil is calling my name & my aunt is making a wierd cry, sil tells me it's ok & is startign to cry. I am holding the wash cloth to my mouth & want to cry out or scream or something & I collapse to the floor & start crying. My heart is racing & I feel frantic.

I hear my sil talking to me, or telling me I need to get up or they need to make calls, lock the door, don't let anyone in, we need to call my dad first, need to call my brothers, don't tell my dad, tell my uncle, tell him to drive. I hear my uncle who's here calling him & just tell him COME HOME, my dad must've asked a question & he said, JUST COME HOME! And hung up.

I snap out of it. I stand up---I'm like, ok, ok, it's going to be ok, take some breathes. I kiss my mom's hands, tell her thank you for letting me be there, but I'm in a rush. I turn off the LOUD oxygen machine, I remove the hoses from her face & start brushingher hair. I immediately also put folded wash cloths under her relaxed chin so her mouth won't be open. I remembered that from my grandma. I turned on the cd player cause it had my favorite worship CD in there.....BUT I forgot to push play until way later.

She had started to look SO different when she got sick & immediately when she died I could barely look @ her face....but after awhile, she looked like her old self again {expect for the lack of color} & I was comforted.

After everyone had a chance to spend time w/ her, sil, auntie & other aunt & I finished bathing her. There wasn't much to do because we were almost done anyway. We rubbed her down w/ some fragrant lotion. Then we welcomed everyone back in if they wanted. I layed down w/ her for quite awhiel & I could not contain my tears.

Time passed...eventually the mortuary arrived. THen I wanted to cry more...I wanted her to stay w/ us, be here in the room where I could touch her, rub her hands, hug her. They wanted us to leave the room while they took her out. I said no. THen my brother said no, too that he woudl stay w/ me. They tried to tell me I didn't want to see it...but I did. I wanted to be sure they were gentle w/ her. I felt I needed to see her go....DH told me I should not bet here & gently talked me outof it.

I agreed as long as they allowed me back in the room once she was on teh gurney. They said ok.

WHen I came back in...I expected her to be in sheets, like when teh paramedics came, I expected it to possibly be over her face...I did NOT expect her to be all covered like in a body bag type thing. I was so disappointed that I could not see her. We followed her all teh way out the back. Again, they tried to tell me not to watch them take her out..but I needed too. I watched them put her into the van.

Then the pastor joked, ok, who's driving? I guess he figured out by that point that I'd want to follow them too. I would if I could have. Sil said she would but I was not sure if she was joking or not so I did not take her up on the offer.

Now she is gone for reals. I will never see 'her', in my lifetime, again.

Yes, I know I will see her again in Heaven...but I miss her here....now.

Still alive.

Put the down payment & chose my mom & dad's exact space/plot, today.

It's SO lovely....like a park, really. I KNOW it's not like my mom will care......but *I* care & I can imagine myself having a picnic & it's right by a 'lake' (pond) there are koi fish in it & a waterfall w/ a bridge...so it will feel like another day @ the park & the kids won't be too freaked out. I think my dad will appreciate it.

Sure we could get a cheaper FLAT spot w/ just grass. But I think this spot is very lovely & hers & his are side by side, next to a tree.....there will be some shade....

My chest felt like an elephant was sitting on it. It was hard to breath. Sil & I had to have the woman repeat herself quite a few times because we were/are just too tired to focus. She was very understanding.

I am SO tired. SO TIRED!
Her care is pretty easy right now....but now we (sil, auntie & I) are just getting so tired.....Things are settling down w/ the family...I was a bit numb yesterday & today.....because I'm so tired.

The funeral could be this Saturday....in theory. We will see....that strong loving heart of hers still beating....

BUT her heart rate is climbing as her blood pressure is lowering, this morning her feet & toes started getting cold while the rest of her body is still burning w/ fever........as high as 104.6. The tylenol seems uneffective. The nurses warned it would be. They told us specefic changes we would see as her body shuts down.

Knowledge is power...to me.
I like to be as prepared as I can w/ what to expect w/ somethign as uncontrollable as this.

I realized today that the 'process' of death is much like the 'process' of giving birth. Once a labor starts, there is usually no turning back......it's exciting & scary all @ once & completely uncontrollable. The only thing a woman CAN do is give in to it @ that moment, completely, because we can not stop it. kwim?

I see this dying process the same, there is nothing I can do to stop it & it is completely unpredictable about the moment in time that will be our last breath. I am powerless, the best thing I can do, the ONLY thing I can do is trust God w/ every part of me. I can see Him in control more than any other time or moment in my life. He holds my mother's life & death in His hands. So simple, I know but so deep @ the same time.

The anticipation is almost unbearable...the waiting.....hoping I don't miss it.....every skipped breath makes my own heart stop & the question hangs in the air. It's happened a few times when sil, aunti & I are caring for her, a wicked cough or stillness when we move her----& we freeze & I know we are all thinking the same exact thing-------we hold our breath w/ her....











Inhale. As we exhale w/ relief. Those moments make my chest hurt w/ anticipation? fear? anxiety? acceptance?
I'm waiting for my moment. It won't be now. It won't be when she dies. It will be after all is done. Funeral arrangements. Last breath. Viewing. Memorial services. Choosing my clothes. Greeting people. Comforting everyone else. Going home.

Home.

My Home.

I will finally be able to focus on my emotions & grief. I feel like I am waiting for that more than her actual death. I want to crawl into my bed & go to sleep. That is what I imagine anyway. IRL I always have hungry children to feed. ;-)

I barely know what day it is....

Only because my brother mentioned wanting to go to church when he wakes up....it's Sunday already for me but everyone else is asleep, finally.

Sil, auntie & I are taking shifts for the nights. The nurse left yesterday, @ least I think it was yesterday, which was Friday in my timeframe since my 'day' has not ended yet. We gave mom a shower the firt morning, it took 3 of us. We did not even get her in the shower. We sat the shower chair in the middle of the restroom & used the hand held shower to wash ehr up w/ towels underus all over the floor, that worked well. Did I already mention this? She deserved to look & feel fresh.

The first few days were a whirlwind....I was anxious because I could tell my mom was in pain. They sent a PILL for her to take but she could NOT swallow! DUH! So they would crush it & then give it to her in a spoon of water...sometimes it would cause her to choke, other times it would just sit, dried out, on top of her tongue.

They didn't send ANY pain patches in the increased dosage, they sent none @ all. Finally we got them to understand 1) they didn't send ANY & 2) she needs/was prescribed an increased dose.

The nurse finally got a prescription for a liquid pain reliever instead of the pill...to be administered every 2 hours. Friday night...we were giving it every hour (nurse said it was ok) & mom was in obvious pain, discomfort & distress. And it was really bad when we would move her....even after giving it every hour.

The nurse prescribed a higher dosage the next day & finally, mom has been sleeping peacefully today. There is still some noticeable distress when we move her, but not much. There is so much but I can't think of it all.

The last day we had a nurse, they woke me up @ the morning shift change because they needed help changing my mom's sheets & everything. She & all her bedding was SOAKED. I was irritated @ that. I went to sleep thinking I could rest & trust this nurse to care for my mom only to find that she hadn't changed her all night, causing her to soak through everything!

After the final nurse left & it was up to us (me, SIL & aunti {mom's sister}) to care for mom, she has not been wet since! We check her regularly & take good care of her keeping her clean & fresh. I am NOT the nursing type so SIL takes charge & my role is to help move mom & support her body while she is cleaned up. I have my limitations. My grandma tried to tell me one time, I HAD to clean her & I 'better' learn. But I didn't feel bad or guilty or anything because I KNOW my limits & I'm ok w/ that. There are plenty of willing hands to help. And my sil & I + auntie, make a great team & I am proud of myself how well we take care of her, personally.

The swelling has pretty much gone away in her legs. She is still jaundiced/yellow.

After my 'shift' Friday night, I went to bed, it still took me awhile to fall asleep. Then sil woke me up to help her change mom (it's a 3-2 person minimum job) I thought I just couldn't even move. I felt so weak & tired & achy. But by morning...about 3.5-4 hours later, I felt a little energized.

I didn't get to take a shower until after 4 pm...finally, I was alone w/ no one demanding or needing anything from me & it felt good. I was mentally & physically better after that.

Mom's fever is becoming continuous despite the tylenol. Nurse said it was to be expected. She also said, closer to the end, she will have very rapid breathing? SO I keep watching for that. Sometimes she has very shallow, rapid breathes but it is not regular. Her hands are starting to turn pale, it's hard to tell but it's not a natural color.

I was giving her bits of water on a sponge or washcloth yesterday...but now I can't give her anything w/o her choking, which sounds much more painful. I start to feel very anxious when she is in distress...I feel like *I* am in distress. Well I supposed it is stressful to see a family member suffering. But anyway...I feel like her pain medication is really for MY peace of mind. If she is peaceful & I know it, then I am peaceful. I have no problem giving her her pain meds as regularly scheduled.

I worked on making a slide show today......like we did for grandma's funeral.

I keep feeling like the nurse was here 3 days ago...but it was only yesterday.

My brother & cousin are starting to ask me how long I think it will be...in MY opinion, like I'm a nurse. I can only repeat what the nurses told me but I don't know. No one really knows.

A lot of my brother's friends from church came tonight &sang worship in the living room so my mom could hear. That was nice....then some stayed really late, that was not so nice. lol Everyone stayed up late & they were loud. it was hard for us to get the littles to sleep & for my aunt & sil to get to sleep before their 'shift'.

My aunt, uncle & cousins arrived from OH tonight too....3 am their time...around midnight? our time. They drove here to see my mom.

I think I am ready for a shift change.

Just waiting

It seemed liked such an UNrestful day today. So many people coming by. I was almost annoyed because I jsut wanted to be ALONE w/ my mother. I understand friends want to visit....but....I also think it's past that time for ME.

A nurse was here last night, then another one came for a shift change @ 7am ,then a social worker came @ 11am, then a case manager caem a few hours later then a shift change @ 3pm. Visitors, phone calls, phone calls for people wanting to visit. Clutter, dishes, littles that need attending.

I know I have been neglecting my children. I won't deny it. I sent the littles to their nana & tata's house. We haven't done ANY school this week. I actually completely forgot about it honestly. I can't believe it but I did. They're actually lucky they're even getting fed. HA! lol

SIL & I went to the funeral home/mortuary today. Better to make as many arrangements as we can BEFORE we are overwhelmed w/ emotion. I don't know what I would do w/o my SIL right now. I don't have any sisters so she is the closest thing & she has been amazing. We are not handling this the same & resepct that but if she was not here...I would feel so alone.

I asked my dad if he wanted us to make all the choices/decisions...& if he had any preferances. We kept his few requests in mind & headed on over. We also set an appointment w/ Forest Lawn too. We got there & started looking @ areas for plots, w/ my dad's preferances in mind. We decided on a reasonably (if there really are any in these situations) priced spot that is so lovely. It looks like apark. It has lovely trees, you can see the canyon to the side, a lake w/ Koi fish, a waterfall & a bridge w/ a fountain on the other side of the bridge. It is a new development.

We looked @ quite a few spots & the choice was not too hard to make. I also decided I did not wan to go to Forest Lawn to look. The spot we saw seemed perfect & felt right & the fact ath my grandparents are buried here...I decided we would go w/ Rose Hills. No need to overwhelm myself w/ more choices when this spot felt 'right'

We looked @ grave markers & headstone options. Decided it was best to purchase my dad's spot @ the same time, so we will do that. The worker had on file & was able to compare the service we had for my grandma & that was an excellent price guideline for us.

I started to get a little overwhelmed when we were deciding on caskets.I expected it to be like the movies, full size caskets in a room, that you look @. It was only the corners of the caskets on the wall. I'm glad cause I htink I might have gotten creeped out. But I did start to get overwhelmed a bit by the choices & my chest started to feel tight & I started to feel physically anxious.

We went back into the lady's office & when she stepped out, SIL & I came to the conclusion of which one we wanted, keeping mind mom's preferances. I felt a little better but still anxious, took some deep breaths, focused & grabbed some peanut m&m's.

I was nervous that my family would call us while we were out, I was afraid to leave. But as time went on, as long @ my cell phone didn't ring, I knew everything was ok. SIL asked, on our way out, if we should call to check on mom. I said no, as long as they haven't called then I know she is still alive. And I'd rather not call & hear any hint of bad news or else I will just make myself so anxiosu & nervous trying to get back to her.

Each hospice worker seemed to give us different time frames for mom, some think it will be 'so soon', the one on duty right now, said it won't be tonight.

She's home

She doesn't look well. Well, DUH, right? She does not really respond to us, she is very weak & yellow. When she does open her eyes & look @ me/us, I don't think she sees us.

Her breathing seems forced, breaths are up to 5-7 seconds apart. I keep thinking each one is her last one.

The hospice admission lady was nice, business like @ first w/ all the uncomfortable stuff. I wasn't that uncomfortable since we had arleady gone through what mom wanted as far as medical care for the end. That was a good thing too, it made it easier to answer the detailed questions, like about CPR, feeding tubes ect. She said we were doing well, getting through all the paperwork. She said, for many people, this is the first time they discuss these things & it's such a shock they can't get through it. The hospice lady seemed to think it could be weeks.

When I arrived this morning to the hospital the doctor was outside her room w/ my dad. Just in time. It was interesting how he discouraged us from life extending procedures & the reasons why. I was ok w/ & understood completely & because we alreayd knew mom's desires about that. But I thought it was interesting anyway. He gave the reason why each procedure was not a good idea & the risks involved & explained that it would not help her. I can see where this would be too overwhelming of a conversation to have/decision to make if you were not prepared or did not know the wishes of the patient. He said he thought it would only be a matter of days.

My only question was, can we take her home now? It only took.....10 hours. She was discharged & brought home via ambulance around 5:00 pm.

It felt chaotic. I wish it could have been more peaceful for her. Visitors arrived, all of us were here. The EMT's said her heart rate shot up on the ride. Dad was w/ her, she was disorientated. The phone didn't stop ringing all night.

SIL & I gave her her space, let the visitors do/say what they felt they needed to say or do, whatever. Finally, we put her in her bed then I sat w/ her & just held her hand. Then it was peaceful. She was very asleep but I just rubbed her forhead.

I felt so sad. Sad for her, in this state. But finally I was alone w/ her. She looks so much like my grandma right now. The same look in her eyes, a blank look.

Her legs are heavy & feel hard. wierd.

I can't leave. I am staying the night. If she seems a bit better during the day tomorrow then I will go home to change or whatever, maybe. Otherwise, Big E can just bring us all clothes in the morning on his way to work.

When I was walking down the hall today @ the hospital, I noticed a new trashbag on the floor & a large paper clip. I picked up the paper clip.

There will be no more chemotherapy.

She had a good blood transfusion today, uneventful, 2 units. The doctor finally came in while I was there, the oncologist. He said the cancer is very advanced, has progressed quickly. I asked, so there will be no more chemotherapy & he said yes.

My dad asked how long, he always wants to know 'how long?'. He said; maybe days, maybe weeks but he does not think months.

I am planning on getting up @ the crack of dawn tomorrow, rolling out of bed & getting to the hospital as early as I can to be sure & be able to talk to her regular doctor. He usually comes around 7:30am. My goal/focus is to get her home ASAP. I see no reason for her to remain in the hospital. They are/were giving her antibiotics but what is the point? They CAN do it from home if it is so important. The oncologist said we can start making arrangements w/ hospice care now.

She was a tad bit less yellow than yesterday, maybe...she had turned terribly jaundiced. You could really tell in her eyes. She has been quite panicky the past few days....maybe she just 'knew'. Because she would cry & say she was scared & that she was scared she was going to die today. She does not want to. She wanted to know if it was 'ok' that she did NOT want to 'go'. She would say things are not good, I am dying. Maybe somehow, the body or the mind just 'knows'.

Of course we reassured her it was ok. I kept telling her she was NOT going to die today, especially not when she can get up & walk to the restroom on her own. lol And she didn't {die}. But I cannot be so sure the next few days. I don't know.

We are scheduled to take a hot air balloon ride on Sunday morning. We will be going regardless. I hope the weather does not deter us this time.

I think I will start sewing now...Liberty's funeral dress. I bought the fabric last night. I wanted to be sure & have it when I needed it. Sometimes they run out of fabric you know. It is exactly like the fabric I used for her dress for my grandma's funeral, except the butterflies are shades of blue on a black background. For my grandma they were purple & orange on a black background.

Mom update

They tried to give her a blood transfusion sometime early this morning, around 2:00 am? Well, her body rejected it. She started to get a rash right away & as soon as they stopped it went away. It was my aunt's blood, she is the only family member that matches because they are both negative & we are all positive.

I called my dad this morning & she answered, I guess he left his phone there for her. She said she was very confused since yesterday. She said the doctor came by but she couldn't remember what he said.

I will be going back over there soon. I don't know if I should get a sitter for the ktbunch, @ least the littles. Big E has to work today but will be off the next 2 days. I don't know what to think. I am going to stop by my parents house first anyway to feed everyone & then I will go from there.

I haven't heard from anyone, I mean no one has called me from my family. I don't know what plans anyone else has.

She is NOT the same

May 2006

Last Sunday

Her eyes are too deep, her smile is not the same, she's almost old. I don't know where my mother is but I miss her & I wish she would come back.

The Magic is wearing off....

Dh day off---we always ask each other what we want to do. He played tennis first thing & then he was going to give the ktbunch lessons. I told him I wanted to go to Disneyland & escape all my problems. He said sure & the littles didn't hesitate to agree...so off we went.

It was a little bit crowded but things were going well. We took the ktbunch on the Haunted Mansion first thing cause it is redecorated in the Nightmare Before Christmas theme so it is not spooky @ all & we knew the littles would like it.

We headed on over to a show...& afterwards I got a call. I missed it & when I checked my messages there were two. One from SIL & one from my dad saying that he was taking my mom to the ER.

I got a flashback & remembered a trip to Disneyland I had totally forgotten...it was back in May, my parents were on vacation. My grandma was still alive & my mom got a call from the care center or grandma's doctor or something. I was so afraid they were going to call & let us know that grandma had died while we were @ Disneyland!

I got that same feeling, except now it is me & my mom. Having quite a few of those deja vu moments lately.

Apparently she was having trouble breathing, chest pain & abdominal pain, enough that she agreed to go to the hospital for it. Usually she resists as long as possible.

I didn't know what to do. DH was coming back w/ some food for us & asked me what I wanted to do...in that moment, in the middle of Disneyland, I really didn't know. Part of me just wanted to stay there.

I told him, I don't know. He said, ok we're going to the hospital. The littles were quite disappointed but we promised them we'd come back tomorrow first thing in the morning. It was such a long walk out, even though I was rushing. I could barely contain my tears. There's no crying @ Disneyland!

It is my escape & my real life is closing in on me. I don't like it.

My SIL was waiting outside for me as we pulled up so I knew it was serious. The nurse/receptionists didn't want to let us in, only 2 visitors per patient. Whatever. Once we got in there they sent a security guard to ask some of us to leave. I started crying & couldn't talk so I just ignored the guy. My brother just said, we are not leaving. Someone must've told them what was going on because after that they didn't hesitate to let any & everyone who was w/us, in. And believe me, there were plenty of visitors for mom! lol

She was very nonresponsive. The ER doc took my dad out, I sent my brother to listen, he didn't say much except recommending making her comfortable. Trying to say when do you stop trying to fight the cancer & focus on making her comfortable? He seemed to think it was pretty serious. He easily & readily gave her pain medication, as much as she wanted/needed.

She could not communicate clearly how much pain she was in, if any, but she did request more pain medicine. So they gave it to her. The nurse was nice. @ one point the ER doctor said the 'mass' was the size of a volleyball. My dad was shocked to hear it & didn't believe it. Said that doctor doesn't know what he is talking about, that the 'mass' was only half an inch. I reminded him, it was half an inch 6-7 weeks ago!

They admitted her & by the end of the evening, she appeared to be back to her same 'out of it' self. I was very nervous about her condition while she was in the ER. I don't understand why this happened today or so suddenly. Things are pretty much the same now except she is back on IV antibiotics & I don' t know how long she will be in the hospital.

When she was in the ER room, I noticed a small drop of a blood stain on the floor. I wondered if it was from her or a previous patient.

No pix?

I don't know...blogger won't let me put ANY pix lately...thus no blogs. I guess I have to 'use my words'. lol

Mom is starting to look worse & worse, sleeping more & more. It gets us worried. But we did have a talk w/ her & told her she NEEDS to eat or she will die from malnutrition not the cancer. The doctor told us this too.We also bought some protein powder to put in her drinks & in her food. Must be creative. Her lack of protein is making her legs severely swollen.

She sleeps most of the day away. She had an appointment w/ her regualr doctor today. He actually seemed impressed w/ her health. The scale shows a weight loss of only 5lbs. I KNOW she has lost more htan that. But I think it is the water in her swollen legs that is making her weigh more. It shows mostly in her face AND the fact that she BARELY eats a few bites, if anything, a day.

Tuesday, my brother, SIL & I spoke to teh doctor ourselves to discuss mom's current condition & her medicines. We try to keep track but it is still confusing, she ahs so many prescriptions & it's ahrd to keep track of what she is currently taking, what has been taken for hte day & what not. One night, while I was on teh phone, she took an extra dose of a medication she ahd taken jsut 2 hours earlier. It didn't hurt her...but you know?

Her pain is worse, off & on. Doctor told us not to be afraid to double the pain patch or use 1 & a half if necessary. He said becuase the pain will get worse & he will increase the dose but we want to wait until it's absolutely necessary. He also expects her to have a rapid decline. He said in his experience, the younger patients decline faster & die as opposed to older patients who seem to live forever......ie: like my grandma. He confimred that her current state IS due to her body decling very quickly.

He said the oncologist said her cancer is very progressed.....but she still has some time IF she eats & takes care of herself. Today she's gotten 3 protein drinks in...dehydration is still a concern since that is ALL she has drank all day & only a couple bites of food, but it is better than the past few days. We can only take one day @ a time.

Cause I can still be silly!

A day @ the park

Me & my girl

My Ktbunch

The 'littles' & I

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My ktbunch was playing & I was sitting there w/ my mom, reading & working on some crochet. THen I began to wonder what kinds of memories my ktbunch would have of me. I remembered when my oldest was a toddler & I was his primary playmate. I never sat to the side & watched him 'play'. I always played WITH him.

What happened? Where did my energy go? When did I become a sidelines mom? I know part of it was practicality. It's kind of hard to play when you're nursing a newborn, so big brother became the primary playmate. & he is a GREAT playmate. Now, though, my primary excuse was lack of energy. I read once that 'energy breeds energy'. SO I decided to get up & play tag w/ them. I would not sit idly by & passively watch them grow up---w/ or w/o me!

Yes, I do spend LOTS of tiem w/ them on a daily basis. But I want to be more FUN.
This was a start. ;-)

Mom was w/ us. It was nice for her to 'get out'. She worked on her crochet, the weather was gorgeous, we ate a picnic lunch & took pics. I'll post one of mom & the ktbunch later...gotta run.

14 years......

THEN:

NOW:

still married! ;-)

<3<3<3

Happy Anniversary to US!

This is funny!