Create Your Own
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
BBbrrrrrrrr.......
Whoa! It's 52 degrees!
I am SO COLD!
I am SO COLD!
My heater is an old floor heater that collects a TON of dust bunnies through out the year...so I can not turn it on till I shopvac it out.
I don't own a shop vac....& my dad says he needs to clean his out before he can bring it over.
Besides being soooooo cccooollllddd...I came home from a bit of shopping to a flooded kitchen!
AArrgghhh!
It was too cold to laugh about it. I had to use ALL my clean towels to clean up the mess.
My great dad caem over & replaced all the piping under the ktichen sink. It was so rusted & corroded it literally BROKE!
Finally, around 10pm, he went back home & I cleaned up the mess, put everything back under the sink, loaded up the washer w/ all my sopping wet towels,started it up & of course....it backed up into my sink & flooded all over again!
My dad instraucted me to go outside & open up the drain cap to unload all teh water & so I can still use my washer. OK! 1st) it's FREEZING out there. 2nd) that cap thing would NOT budge, not even when I used teh HAMMER. (dad told me too)
Forget it!
I'll deal w/ this another day.
bummer.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
She gave me a pen.
Before my mom died, one of the last outings we had was a girl's day out. My SIL, mom, dd & I went to a tea house & had a lovely lunch & tea. It was so girly & nice.
Mom could barely keep her eyes open & she was afraid she was embarrassing me by falling asleep. I assured her she wasn't & that nobody even noticed. She was starting to 'look sick' & quite different & had hardly any strength left & could barely think straight. Sil did her hair for her that day.
Afterwards, she wanted to get my aunt, her sister, a gift or souvenir. She picked out a little tea book & 2 boxes of decorated sugar cubes. @ the check-out, almost as an after thought, she bought a pen. They had a bunch of very gaudy looking pens, covered w/ shiny baubles & rhinestones & personally, I thought they were a bit ugly but refrained from commenting.
As we walked out she gave SIL a box of sugar cubes & then she gave me the pen. How did I KNOW it would be for ME! lol She said: 'it's not much but here....cause I know you like to write'. It was quite thoughtful of her....& it also seemed a bit odd, {because there were much prettier & daintier items in the shoppe I would have preferred to have} but I figured it was because of how tired she was & everything..
I never told her I liked to write. She knew I had a blog & I was the one who encouraged her to start her own blog. {you can read them here & here} I don't think she knew that I have been a 'journal keeper' since I was 12 years old {okay folks that's OVER 20 years! lol}.
I didn't think much of it besides the fact that it might be one of the last material objects my mother ever gives me. The more I thought about it & thought over that day & her words....the more I really thought about it.
SHE used to write poetry. SHE dreamed of writing books. SHE loved to read & was a very good reader. I don't know when I learned to read & I don't ever remember learning. It's as if I just ALWAYS knew how to read.
But somehow, some way, she encouraged me. She passed that gift on to me, w/o ever really trying. It was more than 'just a pen'. It was a way to capture moments, feelings, memories....& record them for all time. A way to express myself & communicate clearly & effectively on paper or through a keyboard.
And it is a gift in more ways than one. A gift like a talent, because I know not everyone has that gift. And a gift like a treasured present, that holds a priceless value that cannot be measured. She gave me something intangible.
I know she thought she was buying me 'just a pen' that day...but what she really gave me, is so much more than that & always will be. I will probalby never be a 'published' writer in the getting paid for it sense, lol....but it is something I enjoy & she knew I liked to write, but she didn't realize that it was because she liked to write.
It was because of her.
Thanks for the pen, mom. :-)
and happy birthday.
Mom could barely keep her eyes open & she was afraid she was embarrassing me by falling asleep. I assured her she wasn't & that nobody even noticed. She was starting to 'look sick' & quite different & had hardly any strength left & could barely think straight. Sil did her hair for her that day.
Afterwards, she wanted to get my aunt, her sister, a gift or souvenir. She picked out a little tea book & 2 boxes of decorated sugar cubes. @ the check-out, almost as an after thought, she bought a pen. They had a bunch of very gaudy looking pens, covered w/ shiny baubles & rhinestones & personally, I thought they were a bit ugly but refrained from commenting.
As we walked out she gave SIL a box of sugar cubes & then she gave me the pen. How did I KNOW it would be for ME! lol She said: 'it's not much but here....cause I know you like to write'. It was quite thoughtful of her....& it also seemed a bit odd, {because there were much prettier & daintier items in the shoppe I would have preferred to have} but I figured it was because of how tired she was & everything..
I never told her I liked to write. She knew I had a blog & I was the one who encouraged her to start her own blog. {you can read them here & here} I don't think she knew that I have been a 'journal keeper' since I was 12 years old {okay folks that's OVER 20 years! lol}.
I didn't think much of it besides the fact that it might be one of the last material objects my mother ever gives me. The more I thought about it & thought over that day & her words....the more I really thought about it.
SHE used to write poetry. SHE dreamed of writing books. SHE loved to read & was a very good reader. I don't know when I learned to read & I don't ever remember learning. It's as if I just ALWAYS knew how to read.
But somehow, some way, she encouraged me. She passed that gift on to me, w/o ever really trying. It was more than 'just a pen'. It was a way to capture moments, feelings, memories....& record them for all time. A way to express myself & communicate clearly & effectively on paper or through a keyboard.
And it is a gift in more ways than one. A gift like a talent, because I know not everyone has that gift. And a gift like a treasured present, that holds a priceless value that cannot be measured. She gave me something intangible.
I know she thought she was buying me 'just a pen' that day...but what she really gave me, is so much more than that & always will be. I will probalby never be a 'published' writer in the getting paid for it sense, lol....but it is something I enjoy & she knew I liked to write, but she didn't realize that it was because she liked to write.
It was because of her.
Thanks for the pen, mom. :-)
and happy birthday.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
I've been a sewing FOOL!
Blogger won't let me post all my pix yet {it's gets moody w/ me whenever I want to post pix! aarrgggg}
BUT you can click on Kt'z Krafts to get a sneak peek!
Wait until you see the CHRISTMAS dress I just made....oh it is the MOST adorable yet! I promise.....
I'll try to post it later but until then....here's a clue----> think WHOVILLE! :-)
BUT you can click on Kt'z Krafts to get a sneak peek!
Wait until you see the CHRISTMAS dress I just made....oh it is the MOST adorable yet! I promise.....
I'll try to post it later but until then....here's a clue----> think WHOVILLE! :-)
Friday, November 24, 2006
True Confession
The Night BEFORE Black Friday:
OK...I'm NOT one to get up early & go shopping freaking EARLY on Black Friday....BUT the ONLY gift for SURE I know I will be buying, so far was on sale @ ToysRus, (I found it online as an UNADVERTISED IN STORE special!!!!!) that stupid Doodle Bear that I'm sure L will discard in 5 min....but it's the only thing she has mentioned....it's $10 OFF the really cute one! lol
So I just might be dragging my booty up @ 5AM to snag one....plus scour the shelves for anything else that jumps out @ me.
I really have NO plans/ideas for gifts this year. lol BUT I have a $50 gift card for Toys R us so might as well get as much use out of it as I can.... + $7 left on another toys r us gift card. lol
ANYone else dragging out of bed early like a crazed mama bear to save a few bucks?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Black Friday Recap:
Up by 4:45 AM, out of the house by 5:00 AM. In line, @ ToysRUs for about 20 min. Wander around aimlessly, (well, tried too, not much room to 'wander') grabbed a few items, feel anxious w/ all the people. TOysRUs store layout is the WORST. It is speceficlaly designed to TRAP you in the store! lol I entertained the idea of dropping everything & just leaving 3x! Hoem before 7:00 AM. DH alarm went off @ 7:00 AM to head on out to work. lol
Ok that was SO totally NOT worth it! lol
I only spent $6.80 of my OWN $$$ cause I had those gift cards.
But...funny thing, that stupid Doodle Bear that L wanted, ok it was on sale only for the morning...well I went to get it & the regular priced cheap one was SO much CUTER than the on sale one but you better believe if *I* dragged my bootyliscious butt out @ 5am, I was buying the SALE one! lol
I might just return it later & exchange it for the cute one. lol
I got a couple other things for the boys but nothing particulalry special & they were on sale but they'd still be the same price tomorrow & Sunday. lol
~*~*~*~*~*~*
I DON'T think I'll be doing that again next year....but you never knoooooowwww. ;-)
The ktbunch & I spent the rest of the day @ my dad's house getting the tree up & decorating. It was no easy task since we first had to FIND the decorations! lol My dad was working. It was the 1 month anniversary of my mom's death. I don't keep track of the dates like that but it is always in the back of my mind.
My brother gave all the kiddoes (ok & me too) each a ride around the block on my dad's new motorcycle. I made them take an 'oath' not to tell anyone or else they'd never get a toy or piece of candy again. lol I like to make BIG deals out of little nothings. :-) Oldest set up some of the outdoor lights & decorations. It has become 'tradition' for him to help my dad every year. He gets to climb up a ladder, get on the roof & do 'man stuff'. lololololol
They didn't get a chance to actually put any lights up outside, it was a hard day for my dad, so they will do all of that roof climbing tomorrow. Normally my dad buys a new BIG outdoor item each year too...I think I'll have to remind him about that tomorrow.
OK...I'm NOT one to get up early & go shopping freaking EARLY on Black Friday....BUT the ONLY gift for SURE I know I will be buying, so far was on sale @ ToysRus, (I found it online as an UNADVERTISED IN STORE special!!!!!) that stupid Doodle Bear that I'm sure L will discard in 5 min....but it's the only thing she has mentioned....it's $10 OFF the really cute one! lol
So I just might be dragging my booty up @ 5AM to snag one....plus scour the shelves for anything else that jumps out @ me.
I really have NO plans/ideas for gifts this year. lol BUT I have a $50 gift card for Toys R us so might as well get as much use out of it as I can.... + $7 left on another toys r us gift card. lol
ANYone else dragging out of bed early like a crazed mama bear to save a few bucks?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Black Friday Recap:
Up by 4:45 AM, out of the house by 5:00 AM. In line, @ ToysRUs for about 20 min. Wander around aimlessly, (well, tried too, not much room to 'wander') grabbed a few items, feel anxious w/ all the people. TOysRUs store layout is the WORST. It is speceficlaly designed to TRAP you in the store! lol I entertained the idea of dropping everything & just leaving 3x! Hoem before 7:00 AM. DH alarm went off @ 7:00 AM to head on out to work. lol
Ok that was SO totally NOT worth it! lol
I only spent $6.80 of my OWN $$$ cause I had those gift cards.
But...funny thing, that stupid Doodle Bear that L wanted, ok it was on sale only for the morning...well I went to get it & the regular priced cheap one was SO much CUTER than the on sale one but you better believe if *I* dragged my bootyliscious butt out @ 5am, I was buying the SALE one! lol
I might just return it later & exchange it for the cute one. lol
I got a couple other things for the boys but nothing particulalry special & they were on sale but they'd still be the same price tomorrow & Sunday. lol
~*~*~*~*~*~*
I DON'T think I'll be doing that again next year....but you never knoooooowwww. ;-)
The ktbunch & I spent the rest of the day @ my dad's house getting the tree up & decorating. It was no easy task since we first had to FIND the decorations! lol My dad was working. It was the 1 month anniversary of my mom's death. I don't keep track of the dates like that but it is always in the back of my mind.
My brother gave all the kiddoes (ok & me too) each a ride around the block on my dad's new motorcycle. I made them take an 'oath' not to tell anyone or else they'd never get a toy or piece of candy again. lol I like to make BIG deals out of little nothings. :-) Oldest set up some of the outdoor lights & decorations. It has become 'tradition' for him to help my dad every year. He gets to climb up a ladder, get on the roof & do 'man stuff'. lololololol
They didn't get a chance to actually put any lights up outside, it was a hard day for my dad, so they will do all of that roof climbing tomorrow. Normally my dad buys a new BIG outdoor item each year too...I think I'll have to remind him about that tomorrow.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
what do YOU have to be Thankful for?
Well, I can focus on the negatives or the positives...so I'm choosing positive!
A FEW things I am thankful for. ;-)
1. my family
2. cheap rent
3. no more drippy faucet
4. unconditional love from my mom
5. all the time I had to spend w/ my mom
6. being there when my mom took her last breath
7. being healthy
8. living in America
9. being able to homeschool
10. a hard working husband
11. a good looking husband ;-)
12. food in my fridge
13. having a sewing machine
14. knowing how to use it
15. knowing how to crochet
16. a great neighbor
17. a relaxed lifestyle
18. a husband who is a real sweetheart
19. a good pair of jeans
20. lots of cute shoes
21. a funny brother
22. a brother who can cook
23. a few great sister in laws
24. smart kids
25. 'usually' well behaved kids
26. great in laws
27. my mom's group
28. a great church
29. my wonderful girlfriends
30. living in a state w/ great weather
31. having an easy going personality. REALLY!
32. DSL
33. our local library
34. our local library within walking distance
35. a bike
36. the fact that i know how to ride it. lol
37. creativity
38. being a 'thinker'
39. being level headed
40. a great dad
41. a nice tent
42. an even better air mattress
43. the fact that I got the air mattress for only $10
44. books
45. paper to write on
46. pens
47. cute pencils
48. running water
49. indoor plumbing
50. a big backyard
51. living close to my family & dh family
52. forgiveness
53.the fact that I have so MUCH to be thankful for, to ever be able to possibly list them ALL!
What do YOU have to be thankful for?
A FEW things I am thankful for. ;-)
1. my family
2. cheap rent
3. no more drippy faucet
4. unconditional love from my mom
5. all the time I had to spend w/ my mom
6. being there when my mom took her last breath
7. being healthy
8. living in America
9. being able to homeschool
10. a hard working husband
11. a good looking husband ;-)
12. food in my fridge
13. having a sewing machine
14. knowing how to use it
15. knowing how to crochet
16. a great neighbor
17. a relaxed lifestyle
18. a husband who is a real sweetheart
19. a good pair of jeans
20. lots of cute shoes
21. a funny brother
22. a brother who can cook
23. a few great sister in laws
24. smart kids
25. 'usually' well behaved kids
26. great in laws
27. my mom's group
28. a great church
29. my wonderful girlfriends
30. living in a state w/ great weather
31. having an easy going personality. REALLY!
32. DSL
33. our local library
34. our local library within walking distance
35. a bike
36. the fact that i know how to ride it. lol
37. creativity
38. being a 'thinker'
39. being level headed
40. a great dad
41. a nice tent
42. an even better air mattress
43. the fact that I got the air mattress for only $10
44. books
45. paper to write on
46. pens
47. cute pencils
48. running water
49. indoor plumbing
50. a big backyard
51. living close to my family & dh family
52. forgiveness
53.the fact that I have so MUCH to be thankful for, to ever be able to possibly list them ALL!
What do YOU have to be thankful for?
Monday, November 20, 2006
Yay! I'm back! lol
Well, I can see everything now! lol
DH had his dreaded trip to the dentist today! ugh. I wanted to cry FOR & w/ him. He's supposed to go back Wednesday. He said the dentist who DID the work was kind of a jerk. Made him feel bad for not going to the dentist sooner. Yah well DUH! Jerks like you are the reason people want to avoid the dentist right?
DH was deathly afraid to go....until the pain got SO bad. AND he said it HURT the ENTIRE time, for the whole procedure. He said he felt like he was being tortured the entire time. The guy would do something & then DH would be in pain & then he'd give him some more pain shots....but isn't the point to AVOID pain, not wait until you have it THEN give pain medication?
Poor guy. Of course he does NOT want to go back. It's hard to see the positives when you are IN pain anyway & the procedures produce MORE pain when the whole point is to make the pain go away! kwim?
He has been so sweet lately too. He was having a couple pain free hours this morning & he made breakfast. Not only did he cook breakfast but he went to the store first to buy everything needed for breakfast! lol He didn't know I had already gone shopping the other day...so we've got a lot of eggs. lol He made eggs in toast & bacon & sausage this morning.
I asked him what I did to deserve such treatment? He said: I put up w/ him not feeling good. AAwweee moment! I love that guy!!!
And the other night, after work, {1AM} he brought home a platter of Pumpkin Pie Tarts, I've been craving them since before Halloween & they only make them during the holidays. I didn't even ask him, he just came home w/ them! ;-)
DH had his dreaded trip to the dentist today! ugh. I wanted to cry FOR & w/ him. He's supposed to go back Wednesday. He said the dentist who DID the work was kind of a jerk. Made him feel bad for not going to the dentist sooner. Yah well DUH! Jerks like you are the reason people want to avoid the dentist right?
DH was deathly afraid to go....until the pain got SO bad. AND he said it HURT the ENTIRE time, for the whole procedure. He said he felt like he was being tortured the entire time. The guy would do something & then DH would be in pain & then he'd give him some more pain shots....but isn't the point to AVOID pain, not wait until you have it THEN give pain medication?
Poor guy. Of course he does NOT want to go back. It's hard to see the positives when you are IN pain anyway & the procedures produce MORE pain when the whole point is to make the pain go away! kwim?
He has been so sweet lately too. He was having a couple pain free hours this morning & he made breakfast. Not only did he cook breakfast but he went to the store first to buy everything needed for breakfast! lol He didn't know I had already gone shopping the other day...so we've got a lot of eggs. lol He made eggs in toast & bacon & sausage this morning.
I asked him what I did to deserve such treatment? He said: I put up w/ him not feeling good. AAwweee moment! I love that guy!!!
And the other night, after work, {1AM} he brought home a platter of Pumpkin Pie Tarts, I've been craving them since before Halloween & they only make them during the holidays. I didn't even ask him, he just came home w/ them! ;-)
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Where am I?
If YOU can read this...good for you...cause guess what? I can't see my own blog? When I click on my link...the page is BLANK WHITE! And when I click from my 'dashboard', 'view blog' the page is BLANK WHITE!
It's making me a little bit nervous..................
It's making me a little bit nervous..................
Friday, November 17, 2006
Maybe I can't do this afterall......
I have been feeling really good, things have been going well....individual moments of comfort, like this, from God have been amazing.
But I don't know...today, I just don't FEEL like doing ANYthing. I visited w/ a friend today & it was nice...but sitting there, I just felt like crying, for no reason. The insomnia is starting again...I know that is not a good sign & I keep telling myself I WILL go to bed early....hasn't happened yet.
Thanksgiving is next week, I could almost care less. I don't feel like baking or cooking anything, not pie, not cookies, nothing! I have a cupboard drawer full of baking supplies........blah! I keep thinking I'm 'ok' & one minute I am, then the next I am not. I am crabby & short tempered, tired & I just want to take a nap.
I am supposed to do a business party Saturday night & I was going to force myself to do it but I really don't feel like it. I started feeling nausious thinking about it, my head started hurting, my stomach started getting sharp pains, I started thinking maybe I was finally getting that sore throat flu...so I called my manager & sent an email to my team for someone else to do it. I let DH know I would not be doing it & he seemed disappointed........
Maybe I was/am just talking myself into being sick, trying to talk myself OUT of doing the party....maybe I really am NOT ready. I don't think there is anything wrong w/ that. Is there? It just doesn't seem that important anymore. The extra $$$ I earned was nice & it came in handy w/ the bills & stuff BUT it did NOT cut down on DH hours....so it's not like it added to our family time. kwim? SO what is the point?
Look, we've ALL read the cliches & the fwded emails...WHAT is important in this life? I will tell you & this is not a cliche, an urban legend or a sentimental email.....my mom was in the last days of her life & WHAT did she say? WHAT did she long for? It certainly had nothing to do w/ the type of employee she was or wished to be. She never said she wished she was a better this or that, she never mentioned wishing she had bought a new car....NO! ALL she said was that she wanted MORE time w/ her family!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is it. We will NEVER have enough time in THIS life because it is NOT eternal...but we certainly can make the MOST of the time we DO have.
Maybe that is the bottom line.
And I am SAD. ok...I do not deny I miss my mom. I never have denied that. And I guess today & the past few days, have been more down than usual for me. I want to stay in bed...I want to dream of my mom....I just realized that I think. I might have dreamt of my mom last night, I can't remember.
Wednesday night I dreamt of going to her gravesight & taking balloons like I always do but the one I got was flat & deflated before I even got there....& we were @ my grandma's grave sight, not my mom's & I did not recognize it but my brother & sil insisted we were in the right area. It made no sense. I know. It was only on my mind because I knew I was going to the cemetary the next day, Thursday anyway.
I don't know...I want to skip Thanksgiving because it is more a reminder of my mom's birthday. It's always around Thanksgiving. I keep seeing little things, gifts that I think my mom would have liked & I would have liked to give her for Christmas.
Christmas shopping. Part of me does NOT want to wait to buy gifts for Christmas. I want to buy & give things NOW. What is the point of waiting? Normally, throughout the year, if I see little things I think my kids or anyone might like & I have the cash, I will pick it up & give it to that person, for NO reason. So I resent the fact that I now feel like I have to hold back because "Christmas is coming" & I feel obligated to give gifts @ that time. kwim? I know it's weird I guess, maybe.
I got a bracelet in the mail today that a co-worker had bought for my mom. It is lovely. I assume she had ordered it before my mom died & maybe just received it recently, I don't know...but I wish I had someone to give gifts to that were meant for my mom. Maybe I should buy them for myself? lol j/k But seriously.....I see things & I want to buy them for her. Now it is too late.
I don't know if I can do this. Maybe it really is too much for a person. I got that ornament today that I ordered......it is lovely. I gave my dad his & read the poem to him & he got pretty teary. I left my brothers each on their beds.
I think I am just extra emotional right now because I have not been getting adequate sleep.
OH! And I totally forgot: This was SO discouraging! I had our parent-teacher conference today w/ the boys 'teacher'. {which is so kinda lame because *I* am thier teacher, I hand over a sample of each subject & the 'teacher' gets the credit? lol) SO anyway...now she does these mini-assesments during the conferences w/ the boys, she has them do math problems & some reading/comprehension. Ok. fine.
Well she then requests to speak to me 'privately'. She is 'concerned' about S's lack of reading skills. She is 'concerned' that he is behind. Yah, well DUH! First of all, I KNOW that. He is @ a level sufficient for HIM. That is the whole point of this curriculum, for the children/students to work @ a level appropriate to their individual needs. I am not going to push him when he is clearly NOT ready. I don't know. It does not make sense to me. She gave him a list of sight words, she said they were pre-k level words. I didn't know pre-kinders READ sight words? That makes no sense. He didn't know hardly any of them, that is a quick remedy....flash cards, used obsessively. {rolling eyes}
I am fully aware that he does not have many sight words memorized yet. I know that & frankly I am NOT worried. She asked me if I was concerned & I said, "no, I'm really not". I explained to her that my oldest was just like that, a late bloomer if you will & now, in 8th grade, he is clearly a very proficient reader & has excellent comprehension skills. I know he is reading way beyond 8th grade level.
OTOH S does VERY well in Math. I wish she would have pointed that out. But see, she is not w/ him every day to know that he can knock out 10 math worksheets @ a time, once you explain the basic concept to him. kwim? I have no doubt that he will eventually 'catch up' & even excell in his reading skills. It's still 'early'. kwim?
Also, I am very aware that our 'school' has been very inconsistent the past few months. Duh! And if my children were in outside school, going through all we have recently, I'm sure the quality of thier school work would have noticeably suffered. kwim? I think all of this is normal. But it knocks a dent in my self-confidence as a homeschooling mother, that is for sure. {sigh..........}
But I don't know...today, I just don't FEEL like doing ANYthing. I visited w/ a friend today & it was nice...but sitting there, I just felt like crying, for no reason. The insomnia is starting again...I know that is not a good sign & I keep telling myself I WILL go to bed early....hasn't happened yet.
Thanksgiving is next week, I could almost care less. I don't feel like baking or cooking anything, not pie, not cookies, nothing! I have a cupboard drawer full of baking supplies........blah! I keep thinking I'm 'ok' & one minute I am, then the next I am not. I am crabby & short tempered, tired & I just want to take a nap.
I am supposed to do a business party Saturday night & I was going to force myself to do it but I really don't feel like it. I started feeling nausious thinking about it, my head started hurting, my stomach started getting sharp pains, I started thinking maybe I was finally getting that sore throat flu...so I called my manager & sent an email to my team for someone else to do it. I let DH know I would not be doing it & he seemed disappointed........
Maybe I was/am just talking myself into being sick, trying to talk myself OUT of doing the party....maybe I really am NOT ready. I don't think there is anything wrong w/ that. Is there? It just doesn't seem that important anymore. The extra $$$ I earned was nice & it came in handy w/ the bills & stuff BUT it did NOT cut down on DH hours....so it's not like it added to our family time. kwim? SO what is the point?
Look, we've ALL read the cliches & the fwded emails...WHAT is important in this life? I will tell you & this is not a cliche, an urban legend or a sentimental email.....my mom was in the last days of her life & WHAT did she say? WHAT did she long for? It certainly had nothing to do w/ the type of employee she was or wished to be. She never said she wished she was a better this or that, she never mentioned wishing she had bought a new car....NO! ALL she said was that she wanted MORE time w/ her family!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is it. We will NEVER have enough time in THIS life because it is NOT eternal...but we certainly can make the MOST of the time we DO have.
Maybe that is the bottom line.
And I am SAD. ok...I do not deny I miss my mom. I never have denied that. And I guess today & the past few days, have been more down than usual for me. I want to stay in bed...I want to dream of my mom....I just realized that I think. I might have dreamt of my mom last night, I can't remember.
Wednesday night I dreamt of going to her gravesight & taking balloons like I always do but the one I got was flat & deflated before I even got there....& we were @ my grandma's grave sight, not my mom's & I did not recognize it but my brother & sil insisted we were in the right area. It made no sense. I know. It was only on my mind because I knew I was going to the cemetary the next day, Thursday anyway.
I don't know...I want to skip Thanksgiving because it is more a reminder of my mom's birthday. It's always around Thanksgiving. I keep seeing little things, gifts that I think my mom would have liked & I would have liked to give her for Christmas.
Christmas shopping. Part of me does NOT want to wait to buy gifts for Christmas. I want to buy & give things NOW. What is the point of waiting? Normally, throughout the year, if I see little things I think my kids or anyone might like & I have the cash, I will pick it up & give it to that person, for NO reason. So I resent the fact that I now feel like I have to hold back because "Christmas is coming" & I feel obligated to give gifts @ that time. kwim? I know it's weird I guess, maybe.
I got a bracelet in the mail today that a co-worker had bought for my mom. It is lovely. I assume she had ordered it before my mom died & maybe just received it recently, I don't know...but I wish I had someone to give gifts to that were meant for my mom. Maybe I should buy them for myself? lol j/k But seriously.....I see things & I want to buy them for her. Now it is too late.
I don't know if I can do this. Maybe it really is too much for a person. I got that ornament today that I ordered......it is lovely. I gave my dad his & read the poem to him & he got pretty teary. I left my brothers each on their beds.
I think I am just extra emotional right now because I have not been getting adequate sleep.
OH! And I totally forgot: This was SO discouraging! I had our parent-teacher conference today w/ the boys 'teacher'. {which is so kinda lame because *I* am thier teacher, I hand over a sample of each subject & the 'teacher' gets the credit? lol) SO anyway...now she does these mini-assesments during the conferences w/ the boys, she has them do math problems & some reading/comprehension. Ok. fine.
Well she then requests to speak to me 'privately'. She is 'concerned' about S's lack of reading skills. She is 'concerned' that he is behind. Yah, well DUH! First of all, I KNOW that. He is @ a level sufficient for HIM. That is the whole point of this curriculum, for the children/students to work @ a level appropriate to their individual needs. I am not going to push him when he is clearly NOT ready. I don't know. It does not make sense to me. She gave him a list of sight words, she said they were pre-k level words. I didn't know pre-kinders READ sight words? That makes no sense. He didn't know hardly any of them, that is a quick remedy....flash cards, used obsessively. {rolling eyes}
I am fully aware that he does not have many sight words memorized yet. I know that & frankly I am NOT worried. She asked me if I was concerned & I said, "no, I'm really not". I explained to her that my oldest was just like that, a late bloomer if you will & now, in 8th grade, he is clearly a very proficient reader & has excellent comprehension skills. I know he is reading way beyond 8th grade level.
OTOH S does VERY well in Math. I wish she would have pointed that out. But see, she is not w/ him every day to know that he can knock out 10 math worksheets @ a time, once you explain the basic concept to him. kwim? I have no doubt that he will eventually 'catch up' & even excell in his reading skills. It's still 'early'. kwim?
Also, I am very aware that our 'school' has been very inconsistent the past few months. Duh! And if my children were in outside school, going through all we have recently, I'm sure the quality of thier school work would have noticeably suffered. kwim? I think all of this is normal. But it knocks a dent in my self-confidence as a homeschooling mother, that is for sure. {sigh..........}
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Here come the holidays!
Everything is SO beautiful @ Disneyland right now. They've got decorations, Christmas decorations everywhere. A giant Christmas tree, beautiful garlands & the lights! Oh! The lights. You can never have too many lights, I say. lol It's wonderfully romantic @ night w/ all the lights. A few rides are really decorated for Christmas. The Castle is lit up beautifully. It's a Small World is really, really lit up & inside the ride is all Christmas'd out.
I just love it. For a few hours, all seems right in the world. Can I live there? Please? lol Just Kidding. We went Tuesday night & met some friends there, it wasn't hardly crowded @ all. It closes early during the week right now though, 8 o'clock. The fireworks are nice & they are playing Christmas music up & down main street. It's all so lovely. ;-)
I just love it. For a few hours, all seems right in the world. Can I live there? Please? lol Just Kidding. We went Tuesday night & met some friends there, it wasn't hardly crowded @ all. It closes early during the week right now though, 8 o'clock. The fireworks are nice & they are playing Christmas music up & down main street. It's all so lovely. ;-)
This might be our Christmas card this year.....not sure yet.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
November is Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month!
Facts About Pancreatic Cancer
32,180 Americans will be diagnosed with pancreatic cancer this year
31,800 Americans will die of pancreatic cancer this year
Pancreatic cancer is the 4th ranked cause of cancer death
only 23% of people diagnosed with be alive 1 year from diagnosis
4% of people diagnosed with pancreatic cancer will live reach the 5 year survival rate
Pancreatic Cancer
The pancreas is an organ located in the upper middle of the abdomen. It is surrounded by the stomach, small intestine, liver and spleen. Pancreatic cancer occurs when there is an uncontrolled growth of abnormal cells in the pancreas or ducts. The exact cause of pancreatic cancer are still largely unknown, but certain factors are known as risk factors. The following factors are known to increase the risk of developing pancreatic cancer; age, gender, race, cigarette smoking, diet, diabetes, environment and family history.
Pancreatic cancer has been understudied in both basic research laboratories and the clinic. In terms of total research dollars, total numbers of researchers, and numbers of researchers who are highly focused on this disease, pancreatic cancer lags significantly behind.
Prognosis
While pancreatic cancer survival rates have been improving from decade to decade, the disease is still considered largely incurable.
Survival Rates
According to the American Cancer Society, for all stages of pancreatic cancer combined, the one-year relative survival rate is 20%, and the five-year rate is 4%. These low survival rates are attributable to the fact that fewer than 10% of patients' tumors are confined to the pancreas at the time of diagnosis; in most cases, the malignancy has already progressed to the point where surgical removal is impossible.
In those cases where resection can be performed, the average survival rate is 18 to 20 months. The overall five-year survival rate is about 10%, although this can rise as high as 20% to 25% if the tumor is removed completely and when cancer has not spread to lymph nodes.
Tumor Size
Tumor size does appear to impact survival rates. The larger the tumor, the less likely it is to be cured by resection. However, even large tumors may be removed and a number of patients with tumors greater than 4-5 cm appear to have been cured by surgery.
There is increasing evidence that the best pancreatic cancer outcomes are achieved at major medical centers with extensive experience -- those that perform more than 20 Whipple procedures annually.
Progression
In patients where a cure is not possible, progression of the disease may be accompanied by progressive weakness, weight loss, and pain. Effective techniques for pain management are widely available today and used by physicians experienced in the care of pancreatic cancer patients. The techniques include nerve blocks and various drugs that can be taken by mouth or injection. There are also a variety of effective techniques available to treat bile duct obstruction which may produce jaundice and stomach obstruction caused by growth of the tumor. Both surgical and non-surgical techniques may be effective.
There is increasing evidence that the best pancreatic cancer outcomes are achieved at major medical centers with extensive experience -- those that perform more than 20 Whipple procedures annually.
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Thursday, November 9, 2006
Perfect Ornament
Spending Christmas w/ Jesus this Year(click here for link).
The season is beginning...I expect it to be hard. I try to be excited w/ all the sparkly & shiny things I see. I think I will start decorating super early. I love looking @ the ornaments in the stores & try to purchse a new one every year for each child.
Of course there are the "First Christmas" ornaments everywhere....& I wondered if they make a "First Christmas WITH OUT You" ornament.....or they should anyway!
Well I found one! It has a poem, I'll print it in full when it arrives & you can personalize it.
The ornament itself has an excerpt from the poem that says:
I love you all dearly,
Now don't shed a tear,
I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus this year.
Can it have a more perfect sentiment? I personalized it w/ my mom's name, birth & death year, engraved on the back. I ordered 4; one for myself, my 2 brothers & my dad.
The season is beginning...I expect it to be hard. I try to be excited w/ all the sparkly & shiny things I see. I think I will start decorating super early. I love looking @ the ornaments in the stores & try to purchse a new one every year for each child.
Of course there are the "First Christmas" ornaments everywhere....& I wondered if they make a "First Christmas WITH OUT You" ornament.....or they should anyway!
Well I found one! It has a poem, I'll print it in full when it arrives & you can personalize it.
The ornament itself has an excerpt from the poem that says:
I love you all dearly,
Now don't shed a tear,
I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus this year.
Can it have a more perfect sentiment? I personalized it w/ my mom's name, birth & death year, engraved on the back. I ordered 4; one for myself, my 2 brothers & my dad.
Sunday, November 5, 2006
Fun Day
Took the ktbunch to Disneyland today. Wowzers was it HOT! lol I thought we might be getting Autumn this year...but I am definately fooled by this weather. It feels like summer but you can tell it's not cause it's DRY heat.
Here they are on my absolute FAVORITE ride, the carousel. We took the day slow, no rushing, brought our lunch of course.
It was a little bit crowded but not much. We went on the canoes for the first time. S & L liked it for the first minute then they were too tired to row. Silly geese. ;-) All the Halloween decorations are down, too bad because they also made great Fall decorations. The back of the park has some Christmas decorations but not Main Street yet. I can't wait for the Christmas decorations. I know most of December is 'blacked out' for us but that will be ok, we will probably be too busy to go much anyway. We can go in the beginning of the month. That will be nice.
I knew the ktbunch just needed to have some FUN! I wish DH could have been w/ us but he was working. We are so blessed by how hard he works for us. I am blessed & I know that. It was tiring for me a bit. Of course I wished mom could be there w/us & I wish I wasn't going there specefically to create some external joy to replace the pain of losing her for a little bit...but it was ok. The kids NEED to have FUN, we all do & I KNOW it's ok & I want them to know it's ok too. :-)
Saturday, November 4, 2006
Home Funeral Services?
I find it fascinating........right up there w/ home birth is HOME FUNERAL.
Similiar to a midwife, is a 'death midwife', I don't think that is what they actually call it but the same, 'natural/home' concept. I think they just call it a funeral director....but nothing like what you find @ a funeral home/mortuary.
I want to become one of these. I found it amazing to be home w/ my mom & take care of her, even after she died....& I wish I had known about this sooner....
Just as 'home birth' is not everyone's cup of tea, I realize this isn't either.....but I wish I would have known it was even a option.
Final Passages, Home Funeral Services
AND the COSTS associated are extremely LESS than standardized funeral service costs!!!!
It was such an amazing (I know I keep using that word. lol) difference between my grandma dying in a 'care center', most likely alone, us anxiously awaiting the funeral home @ the care center w/ strangers walking by & staring or worse, ignoring our existance completely, going from there straight to the mortuary AND THEN my mother being HOME, being by her side, lying w/ her, even washing her, & spending the few hours w/ her until the mortuary arrived.
And caring for her that entire week before, us knowing what was happening to her (dying) & as painful as it was, it was still truly wonderful @ the same time...if that makes sense.
A true blessing.
Similiar to a midwife, is a 'death midwife', I don't think that is what they actually call it but the same, 'natural/home' concept. I think they just call it a funeral director....but nothing like what you find @ a funeral home/mortuary.
I want to become one of these. I found it amazing to be home w/ my mom & take care of her, even after she died....& I wish I had known about this sooner....
Just as 'home birth' is not everyone's cup of tea, I realize this isn't either.....but I wish I would have known it was even a option.
Final Passages, Home Funeral Services
AND the COSTS associated are extremely LESS than standardized funeral service costs!!!!
It was such an amazing (I know I keep using that word. lol) difference between my grandma dying in a 'care center', most likely alone, us anxiously awaiting the funeral home @ the care center w/ strangers walking by & staring or worse, ignoring our existance completely, going from there straight to the mortuary AND THEN my mother being HOME, being by her side, lying w/ her, even washing her, & spending the few hours w/ her until the mortuary arrived.
And caring for her that entire week before, us knowing what was happening to her (dying) & as painful as it was, it was still truly wonderful @ the same time...if that makes sense.
A true blessing.
Wednesday, November 1, 2006
It's been a week?
I didn't notice......I guess since yesterday was Halloween.
I feel fine most of the day. But the later the day wears on...the more exhausted I feel, physically. I AM forcing myself to EAT, although I have NO appetite. I AM forcing myself up & out of bed each day....to try & do the things I know need to be done---everyday life.
I have & am refusing offers of meals. Not for lack of appreciation...but because I think it will enable me all the more to NOT get out of bed. It would only be, for me, one more reason why I CAN stay in bed.
I DO get phsyically exhausted to be around 'happy people' for too long. I can only wear the 'happy face' for awhile. Amazing how that works....hanh? I dressed up for Halloween for the ktbunch....I went to church Sunday night....what else would I do? What else is there to do?
I knew it would give me a break from my children's neediness right now & they'd be fed. They are extra clingy & needy. It was not easy......I almost regretted it as soon as I arrived...but it was ok.
I think the thing I need MOST right now...is ears. Ears that are willing to listen to me describe my experiences, my thought processes & feelings. I talk things out, that is my coping mechanism...or else I will disinegrate into a useless fool of depression. And that will not help anyone, much less myself. This is how *I* deal.
The farther I get from the "traumatic event" aka: my mother's death, the more I can appreciate the amazing-ness of it.
It IS an amazing & spiritual event to witness & be a part of. Such a contrast between being w/ my mother, in her own home, when she died, as opposed to my grandmother in the care center & most likely alone.
It is such an intimate moment, like giving birth. And in an unexplainable way...it was a 'healing' moment for my soul, to be w/ my own mother. In a way like, IF, there was anything unresolved left between us, it was released & healed in my heart w/ me having the priviledge of being w/ her as she died. It is very hard for me to express in words. Almost as if it was my mother's very last act of love for me, personally.
Part of me, of course, still can't believe it is true...but I know it is. I am planning on going to her graveside tomorrow. I didn't know, but my dad & youngest brother went today. I will pick up a few balloons & write a note to send her way again. I'm sure the ktbunch will too.
I'm ok. Really. I think.
I reserve the right to change my mind @ any time though. ;-)
I feel fine most of the day. But the later the day wears on...the more exhausted I feel, physically. I AM forcing myself to EAT, although I have NO appetite. I AM forcing myself up & out of bed each day....to try & do the things I know need to be done---everyday life.
I have & am refusing offers of meals. Not for lack of appreciation...but because I think it will enable me all the more to NOT get out of bed. It would only be, for me, one more reason why I CAN stay in bed.
I DO get phsyically exhausted to be around 'happy people' for too long. I can only wear the 'happy face' for awhile. Amazing how that works....hanh? I dressed up for Halloween for the ktbunch....I went to church Sunday night....what else would I do? What else is there to do?
I knew it would give me a break from my children's neediness right now & they'd be fed. They are extra clingy & needy. It was not easy......I almost regretted it as soon as I arrived...but it was ok.
I think the thing I need MOST right now...is ears. Ears that are willing to listen to me describe my experiences, my thought processes & feelings. I talk things out, that is my coping mechanism...or else I will disinegrate into a useless fool of depression. And that will not help anyone, much less myself. This is how *I* deal.
The farther I get from the "traumatic event" aka: my mother's death, the more I can appreciate the amazing-ness of it.
It IS an amazing & spiritual event to witness & be a part of. Such a contrast between being w/ my mother, in her own home, when she died, as opposed to my grandmother in the care center & most likely alone.
It is such an intimate moment, like giving birth. And in an unexplainable way...it was a 'healing' moment for my soul, to be w/ my own mother. In a way like, IF, there was anything unresolved left between us, it was released & healed in my heart w/ me having the priviledge of being w/ her as she died. It is very hard for me to express in words. Almost as if it was my mother's very last act of love for me, personally.
Part of me, of course, still can't believe it is true...but I know it is. I am planning on going to her graveside tomorrow. I didn't know, but my dad & youngest brother went today. I will pick up a few balloons & write a note to send her way again. I'm sure the ktbunch will too.
I'm ok. Really. I think.
I reserve the right to change my mind @ any time though. ;-)
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