Charlotte Died

"It is not often someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both." -E.B. White, from Charlotte's Web

We've been reading a chapter of Charlottes Web every night or every few days. Last night, she died. I thought it was quite fitting as today is the anniversary of my mom's death last year. I couldn't help but cry, for Charlotte, for mom, for me, for Wilbur, for Dh, for my littles, for all that is NOT right w/ my world @ this moment.

S just kept looking @ me w/ a sad face, maybe a little worried, unsure whether he should cry or not too. He asked me what was wrong. I told him I'm sad because Charlotte was dying & she was a very good friend to Wilbur....and it reminds me of grandma dying. He then said: oh, ok.

Charlotte died all alone. I am glad my mother didn't.
We went to the cemetary w/ my brothers...(my dad was busy w/ some personal drama that I don't have time or energy to care about) We released some balloons & brought flowers & ate lunch. The spot is all finished now. The waterfall & wall are completed. There are alot more trees & they have added a valley behind it. It was very hot & muggy. (due to dry weather & the fires & ash in the air)

E (dh) did not acknowledge the day. No surprise right? I was a little selfishly disappointed that I did not hear from my in-laws either. But whatever. I know where thier loyalties lie & it's not w/ the 'truthful person' here. I'm sure they did not even remember & I know E did not tell them...if he even remembered either.

Last night, as I prayed w/ my ktbunch before bed, my 7yo S---prayed & asked for 'wisdom'. What does a 7yo need wisdom for? lol Lately he's been praying for 'guardian angels over mommy & daddy'. Where does he get this stuff? lol

I guess from me right? lol

My race is Sunday & I have NOT ran in 2.5 weeks. :-(

Pumpkin Patch

We took a drive to go apple picking. We went to a popular spot & were SO disappointed. The people there were SO rude. I actually think they were racist or @ least acted discriminatory. The ktbunch & I went w/ bro w's (sil) family, they are all mexican. It was very disappointing. Not only were the people down right rude, they were just NOT helpful @ all.

And it was slim pickin's on the apples...It was also very crowded. We're used to going on weekdays as a field trip, I don't like crowds. Too bad too cause I would have purchased quite a few books from thier store because they had a bunch of educational ones I would have liked to have used.

So we drove back down a bit & went to another 'farm' & took a hay ride & chose pumpkins from the pumpkin patch. The hay ride driver was VERY nice & freindly. I'd like to go back because across the street was owned by the same family/people & they had a shop & apples ect.

We drove a bit further down to a place called SnowLine, we've also been thee before. They have a small apple shop...bags of apples were around $9!!! YIKES! I would have liked to buy some to make apple pies, but @ that price, I'll just go to the grocery.

I DID get a gallon of apple cider.....around $9 for a gallon! YIKESABEE! But it's totally fresh & delish! AND the most cutest pie top cutter. It's got a bunch of little apples around a big apple cut out for the top of your apple pie. It will top my pies perfectly! And of course we all shared a big juicy caramel apple.

I DO have to say that is ONE main reason I am SO glad to be back @ 'home'. Not sure if I've ever mentioned it before...but I have an antique (vintage?) OKeefe & Merritt stove...& I've baked ALOT of GOOD pies in it. I LOVE that stove! :-)

Yah, so we've got more pumpkins then we really need but so what right? ;-)

What's a girl to do?

When her life's falling apart?
When she's faced w/ unwanted changes?
When the future is so uncertain?

REDECORATE of course! ;-)

I'm repainting my bedroom---it's taking much longer than expected OR necessary.

My painting was interupted Monday when the bathroom sink was about to fall out of the wall. The pipes had been leaking & it got so bad it was rotting the cabinet. The cabinet, being so water damaged, could no longer support the sink, it was being supported soley by the pipes.

SIL & I (aka: Laverne & Shirley) installed a new cabinet (which came w/ a sink, I didn't know that) & pipes ourselves. Voila! Since the new sink & cabinet look so nice...I figured I HAVE to also paint the bathroom too right? We will do that on Saturday....I chose a brownISH color & will trim in light blue---I told DS it will be 'boyish' that way---don't tell him it will look like a 'Tiffany' bathroom, ok? I also got new peel & stick linoleum to apply over the old stuff. SIL said it's a nice but cheap way to spiffy it up.

I've got my walls done in my bedroom AND my bed. I rushed on the bed...but I could only stand sleeping on the couch for so long. kwim? But now the living room is tidied & my room is still a disaster---so I kinda want to sleep back on the couch. lol AND maybe it's the idea of being in my BED, ALONE. (too much REALITY) sniff, sniff. I threw away my mattresses first thing, the day we came back. I wasted NO time.

I still need to paint the ceiling, doors & trim. {sigh}

Besides that stuff...I still have SO many things to do.

E was nice for a couple days---then he mood swang back to Dr. Jekyl... or is it Mr. Hyde? or Dr.Hyde? Anyway---you get the idea.

He's afraid of me apparently....hhhmmm? Afraid to be ALONE w/ me or around me. Why do you think that is? I have my OWN theory---afraid to face the TRUTH. I think I represent the truth---the truth of his unjustifiable behavior & the truth that he CAN FIX this but he absolutely refuses.

It's hard not to take it 'personal'. kwim? He called ME & had this nice conversation, he was pleasant. I didn't even say much or encourage it...the very next day....BAM! He's back to behaving like a jerk & refuses to be around me (for the kids) or to even communicate w/ me.

The really funny thing is...what does he think I'm gonna do? I am not nagging him to change or get back w/ me or ANYthing like that.

HHmmm...& he doesn't believe he's bipolar? WHATever!!!

Oh & another funny thing....after a couple of my UNexpected visits & confrontations w/ a woman who shall remain nameless and SHAMELESS, in MY home----he installed all these new locks. ok. BUT the funny part is...he had left the living room windows OPEN all this time!!! ALL the locks in the world couldn't keep ME from climbing in an OPENED window! lololololol I thought that was HILARIOUS!

Too much!

So much has been happening.
So much HAS happened.
You might not even believe me if I told you.

Too much to really go over...maybe sometime or someday.

The littles are w/ their dad this weekend, until Sunday @ 5pm, in OUR home.
We will be moving BACK into our HOME on Monday afternoon w/ no promise of financial provision whatsoever---I'm taking QUITE a leap of faith.

We've still got almost 2 months until the actual hearing, Nov. 30 & mediation was rescheduled to Nov. 29.

I don't know how much longer I can last through all of this.

I am EXTREMELY ANGRY right now.
I cannot even express how ANGRY I am but if you read this....pray w/o ceasing for me.

I KNOW God is WITH me.
I KNOW I have the Holy Spirit within me.

I am STILL extremely ANGRY!

I cried all night---I cried myself to sleep & I woke up crying.

Happy Anniversary!

Yep 15 years today.

The tears started last night..

He didn't know but I was planning, w/ my friend, to go to a cabin in the mountains, she was going to let me/us use their time-share---we took our honey moon in the mountains. I was going to make it extra special, being the big 15 and all.

I think of last year's, we went to D-land, had a reservation to eat @ Pirates of the Caribbean...*I* had a nice time, they gave us buttons w/ mickey & minnie on them that said Happy Anniversary...we got there late...we were arguing---about what? nothing worth remembering.

NOW I think--well, duh, what's the big deal, LAST YEARS anni was FAKE anyway---AND the one before that? FAKE too!

Talk to a person EVERY FREAKING DAY for the past 15 years & he can dismiss ME so easily? WHY am *I* so NEEDY all of a sudden?
WHY do *I* feel so DESPERATE?
It's ALL I can do NOT to call him for every single little thing. I practically make up excuses to TM him....I TM him today about doing our taxes & he kinda blows me off...says he "needs to check his schedule" will let me know after THURSDAY! WTH?

Yah, he's in NO rush cause he won't get ANY of it! (his half goes to his CS arrears for OC)
Wonder if it's because he needs to ask his attorney's permission first? kwim?

I WANT him!
I WANT to be married to HIM!
Is he so great looking? no.
Is he so nice? obviously not.
WHAT IS IT?
He's MY husband is what!
Even if HE didn't mean his vows...*I* DID!

He was fun.
He was funny.
He KNEW me.
HE knew me.
He knew ME!!!!!!!!!!
He was sweet.
He cried when our children were born.
He said they were so beautiful.
He said I was beautiful.
He said he always found me beautiful.
He knew I liked blueberry muffins.
He knew I liked oreo-cookie ice cream & cookie dough ice-cream.
He liked my long neck.
He knew how to tickle me & that I hated it.
We both knew how to laugh @ our families.
We could both make fun of people secretly & we knew what we were talking about.
We had fun taking the kids to the drive-in.
We had fun going to the drive-in alone.

I HATED him the first time....sincerely, I knew that was MY CHANCE to get away...but I decided to try it for the sake of lil E....& my heart CHANGED. I fell back in love w/ him so I know it is NOT impossible. I KNOW he could love me (if he truly doesn't, which I don't believe) again if he did the RIGHT thing here. Man...do I sound pathetic or what?

I don't even care. I have to write these things...what else do I have? I'm not faking, I'm being honest.

I'm not alone, I have my girls, IRL & online. I have my support if I need it. @ church, I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to say the truth--what's happening.

People ask me how I'm doing---I will tell them straight out---My life has fallen apart! How's your's? kwim? Well, unless I REALLY don't know them. lol

This sux. The first time...I hid away---didn't want anyone to know---maybe because I felt & believed I was partly responsible (I'll own that)---but THIS time....NO WAY! I KNOW I am NOT responsible for ANY part of this. I DID NOT create an environment of 'vulnerability' for my Dh, or anything like that. HE did this ALL on his own & he knows it!

What to do today? What to do?

Let's see:
go to a 'mandatory' parenting class @ the courthouse---lame
email E & tell him of my anni plans in a desperate attempt to make a heartless man feel guilty---lame
TM KK & thank her for being such a BIG part of my anniversary---lame
take lil E to an 'art' class---might be good for him
hole up in my room {that i share w/ my 2 littles & my nephews}---impossible
take a very long run in the morning---wouldn't be long enough
treat myself to a massge---not a very wise financial move
sit in the shower till the hot water runs out---possible but not long enough

Aaahhhh...choices, choices, decisions, decisions. :'(

Unless any of these actually lasted ALL day---none will fit the bill.

I am trapped here. I can't run away---it's all I really want to do which sux cause it ALWAYS works in the movies.

Contrary to my latest blogging habits...this isn't consuming me...we went to the nature center yesterday & I felt like a really good mom...but I just don't have my upload tool for my memory card to upload my pix so easily. lol But I'll post about it when I can.