Wednesday, January 30, 2008
15 years ago...
I gave birth to my 1st child, my oldest son.
The conception & pregnancy were a bit stressful. Dh & I were immature & irresponsible. We were engaged & then got pg, & then got married sooner than planned.
But knowing I had a life inside me....I was unaware how much that would change me, as a person, as a woman & as a child of God.
He was born 6 weeks premature, by cesarean...barely 4lbs 1oz. I was in the hospital for a few days & he for a week.
Due to the cause & complications of his birth...my eyesight was out of whack so my first memory of him is a literal 'blur'.
Once he was born....he was the most tiniest thing I had ever seen. He was skinny & wrinkly & fragile & I knew w/ every ounce of my being that I would do ANYTHING for him. ANYTHING.
It was then that God first began to reveal to me His unconditional love. This amazing creature, who's very birth could have killed me, overwhelmed me w/ a sense of love I had never known. He did not earn it, he did nothing for me to convince me to love him (as any mother knows, quite the contrary actually), but when I held him & knew he was mine.....the love was overpowering.
Almost heart breaking.
It was then that I began to realize how miniscule I was to God...& yet, He loved me...& always would. I did nothing for Him. I did not earn His love in any way. It was just there.
I was responsible for this child, his very life. He depended on me for nourishment, comfort, cleanliness & immeasurable amounts of care. There was a season that he would cry for hours for no apparent reason & it did not dissuade my love.
He did nothing to show appreciation or return my love in anway. And I loved him.
I knew he depended on me for everything. And I loved him.
As he grew, he would sometimes disappoint. And I loved him.
He would disobey. And I loved him.
But that initial stirring within me, within my soul...by that helpless tiny creature...was beyond anything I had ever felt. I would lay down my very life for this child. My child.
As I realized my Heavenly Father would for me. Did for me.
This creature, ended any ideas I had of thinking my life was somehow my own. Pregnancy alone begins that process. I could no longer eat or do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, w/ my self, my body. I had another human being growing within me, depending on me to eat healthy & take care of myself. Never again, would I be able to live w/o thinking of the effects my life & choices within my life would have on another human being.
I couldn't imagine what he would look like when he was born....much less 15 years later. I couldn't even imagine 15 years later. period! lol He's basically my twin, except w/ brown eyes, brown skin & a penis. Seriously. His mannerisms & personality traits too.
Lately though, as he is getting older & truly developing into a young man...he is looking & becoming more like his father. It's interesting.
Never, could I have imagined, what a blessing, a helpless, needy, overwhelming human being, would be to my life....as my child & as my God.
It's been an amazing priviledge.
The conception & pregnancy were a bit stressful. Dh & I were immature & irresponsible. We were engaged & then got pg, & then got married sooner than planned.
But knowing I had a life inside me....I was unaware how much that would change me, as a person, as a woman & as a child of God.
He was born 6 weeks premature, by cesarean...barely 4lbs 1oz. I was in the hospital for a few days & he for a week.
Due to the cause & complications of his birth...my eyesight was out of whack so my first memory of him is a literal 'blur'.
Once he was born....he was the most tiniest thing I had ever seen. He was skinny & wrinkly & fragile & I knew w/ every ounce of my being that I would do ANYTHING for him. ANYTHING.
It was then that God first began to reveal to me His unconditional love. This amazing creature, who's very birth could have killed me, overwhelmed me w/ a sense of love I had never known. He did not earn it, he did nothing for me to convince me to love him (as any mother knows, quite the contrary actually), but when I held him & knew he was mine.....the love was overpowering.
Almost heart breaking.
It was then that I began to realize how miniscule I was to God...& yet, He loved me...& always would. I did nothing for Him. I did not earn His love in any way. It was just there.
I was responsible for this child, his very life. He depended on me for nourishment, comfort, cleanliness & immeasurable amounts of care. There was a season that he would cry for hours for no apparent reason & it did not dissuade my love.
He did nothing to show appreciation or return my love in anway. And I loved him.
I knew he depended on me for everything. And I loved him.
As he grew, he would sometimes disappoint. And I loved him.
He would disobey. And I loved him.
But that initial stirring within me, within my soul...by that helpless tiny creature...was beyond anything I had ever felt. I would lay down my very life for this child. My child.
As I realized my Heavenly Father would for me. Did for me.
This creature, ended any ideas I had of thinking my life was somehow my own. Pregnancy alone begins that process. I could no longer eat or do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, w/ my self, my body. I had another human being growing within me, depending on me to eat healthy & take care of myself. Never again, would I be able to live w/o thinking of the effects my life & choices within my life would have on another human being.
I couldn't imagine what he would look like when he was born....much less 15 years later. I couldn't even imagine 15 years later. period! lol He's basically my twin, except w/ brown eyes, brown skin & a penis. Seriously. His mannerisms & personality traits too.
Lately though, as he is getting older & truly developing into a young man...he is looking & becoming more like his father. It's interesting.
Never, could I have imagined, what a blessing, a helpless, needy, overwhelming human being, would be to my life....as my child & as my God.
It's been an amazing priviledge.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Again!
Just like the other day.....did NOTHING for 2 days....So today, back out to RUN!
No knee pain this time. A little tight but no pain. Total of about 10k/6.2 mi. I double my 5k route but it's not an exact science. lol Took about an hour 15, decent pace for me. Not counting the 2 warm-up/cool-down miles.
Although it DID take about 2 hours to get OUT the door. lol The ktbunch goes along side me on their bikes. It's very slow for them on a bike & I am afraid they will fall over from slowness but they haven't so far. lol
It's actually been RAINING here in So Cal. I mean REAL rain, not the sprinkly or misty stuff that wets the ground & people skid & crash for no apparent reason. This was a real storm w/ lightening AND thunder & actual rain drops! lol
It lasted for about 3 days, very cozy tea time weather. Today started out sunny, beautiful clear blue skies w/ an awesome view of the freshly snowed on mountains. So it was great running weather...but news reports had warned it wouldn't last.
It's now raining again, 'sposed to last till Tuesday. I find it very exciting & oh so cozy! I love it....even though it can get 'depressing'. That is why the thunder & lightening are so exciting. kwim?
We decorated for Valentine's today...my absolute FAVORITE 'holiday'.
We also popped up some Jiffy Pop! Yep, they still make those. Once again though, there was 'adventure' involved as one of the containers was bent & the foil opened prematurely, popcorn popping out all over the stove & catching on FIRE! It's ok though, ds & I blew it out. Yes we BLEW it out, took quite a few blows, but whatever. ;-)
No knee pain this time. A little tight but no pain. Total of about 10k/6.2 mi. I double my 5k route but it's not an exact science. lol Took about an hour 15, decent pace for me. Not counting the 2 warm-up/cool-down miles.
Although it DID take about 2 hours to get OUT the door. lol The ktbunch goes along side me on their bikes. It's very slow for them on a bike & I am afraid they will fall over from slowness but they haven't so far. lol
It's actually been RAINING here in So Cal. I mean REAL rain, not the sprinkly or misty stuff that wets the ground & people skid & crash for no apparent reason. This was a real storm w/ lightening AND thunder & actual rain drops! lol
It lasted for about 3 days, very cozy tea time weather. Today started out sunny, beautiful clear blue skies w/ an awesome view of the freshly snowed on mountains. So it was great running weather...but news reports had warned it wouldn't last.
It's now raining again, 'sposed to last till Tuesday. I find it very exciting & oh so cozy! I love it....even though it can get 'depressing'. That is why the thunder & lightening are so exciting. kwim?
We decorated for Valentine's today...my absolute FAVORITE 'holiday'.
We also popped up some Jiffy Pop! Yep, they still make those. Once again though, there was 'adventure' involved as one of the containers was bent & the foil opened prematurely, popcorn popping out all over the stove & catching on FIRE! It's ok though, ds & I blew it out. Yes we BLEW it out, took quite a few blows, but whatever. ;-)
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Did 10k today!
After being a TOTAL LOSER & NOT running @ all for about 3-4 days....DH woke me right up today & said let's go! lol
YAY!
So I was determined to put in a good effort. When I ran the other day, I made a purposeful effort to really 'work through' some of my emotional junk that I have...& it was pretty emotionally, as well as physically productive for me! I had told myself the other day, when I did NOT feel like doing a THING, much less running: 1) just do ONE mile & then you can quit if you want.....2) you can stop when you do a whole mile w/o walking THEN 3) you can stop AFTER you've worked through all this JUNK in your mind.
I ended up doing @ least the 3.1 miles/5k that day when I started out not wanting to do ANYTHING!
Now....a few days later....I KNEW I had some things on my mind & some bad attitude/resentment/ & downright anger brewing within me....so I determined 1) to keep running UNTIL I worked through it all 2) push myself to run FARTHER 3) keep running until DH left for work so I would not "verbally vomit" on him.
Well w/ those thoughts in mind---I just KEPT running! Before I knew it...I was determined to go the full 6.2 mi/10k!
My knee was feeling tweeked but I pushed through it, not the wisest idea BUT sometimes you know you just GOTTA push through! kwim? The faster I ran, the less it hurt (it was due to my 'poor form' rather than the effort) so I did keep a fairly decent pace too!
DH was STILL home when I got back...but I did NOT verbally vomit on him NOR bring up any issues before work. YAY! I did not want to ruin MY pride in myself of accomplishing this milestone.
total run: 6.2 mi/10k plus walk warm up & cool down: 2 mi
total: 8 miles
YAY!
So I was determined to put in a good effort. When I ran the other day, I made a purposeful effort to really 'work through' some of my emotional junk that I have...& it was pretty emotionally, as well as physically productive for me! I had told myself the other day, when I did NOT feel like doing a THING, much less running: 1) just do ONE mile & then you can quit if you want.....2) you can stop when you do a whole mile w/o walking THEN 3) you can stop AFTER you've worked through all this JUNK in your mind.
I ended up doing @ least the 3.1 miles/5k that day when I started out not wanting to do ANYTHING!
Now....a few days later....I KNEW I had some things on my mind & some bad attitude/resentment/ & downright anger brewing within me....so I determined 1) to keep running UNTIL I worked through it all 2) push myself to run FARTHER 3) keep running until DH left for work so I would not "verbally vomit" on him.
Well w/ those thoughts in mind---I just KEPT running! Before I knew it...I was determined to go the full 6.2 mi/10k!
My knee was feeling tweeked but I pushed through it, not the wisest idea BUT sometimes you know you just GOTTA push through! kwim? The faster I ran, the less it hurt (it was due to my 'poor form' rather than the effort) so I did keep a fairly decent pace too!
DH was STILL home when I got back...but I did NOT verbally vomit on him NOR bring up any issues before work. YAY! I did not want to ruin MY pride in myself of accomplishing this milestone.
total run: 6.2 mi/10k plus walk warm up & cool down: 2 mi
total: 8 miles
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Tea Time
For the past couple days, I've instituted 'Tea Time' w/ my ktbunch. It started because I had been baking cookies & I also had a spurt of energy & was doing a 'clean sweep' w/ everyone & promised everyone a treat as soon as we finished.
I turned on my favorite 40's cd (big band music) as we all donned aprons & went to work. I told them we only needed to work hard to accomplish as much as we could until the cd was over, then we could enjoy a treat. The not-so-littles were in charge of the front porch.
We opened all the windows for some fresh air. It wasn't long though before the chill returned, inspiring me for a warm cup of tea. I boiled the water, got out a few mugs & made tea. I made the not-so-littles w/ milk & sugar, I had my favorite, peppermint, as is.
After only setting the cd back a few songs..... ;-)...it was 'tea time'. We enjoyed 2 cookies each & I read them a Bible story. use of proper manners was naturally involved as well. It was quite pleasant.
Last night, after a long night, I decided to make my DH a warm cup of tea as well, along w/ cookies of course. I added milk & sugar to his as well. I knew he would think it rather strange @ first, not sure he's ever enjoyed a warm cup of tea before, but I prepared it lovingly anyway & knew he would like it once he tasted it.
I served us on a nice dish & sat w/ him on the couch. he kinda laughed @ first but I didn't take it personal. I told him: A warm cup of tea nourishes the soul. He took a drink & remarked how good it was. He enjoyed the cookies too.
Today we enjoyed tea time again. My not-so-littles actually asked me this morning if we were going to have 'tea time' today. This time I used real tea cups w/ the matching saucers, & matching dessert plates for their cookies. I read from my One Year Bible then decided to do a left over Christmas craft that we modified into an any season sun-catcher.
It was nice.
I hope to do this everyday......until I forget. lol
I turned on my favorite 40's cd (big band music) as we all donned aprons & went to work. I told them we only needed to work hard to accomplish as much as we could until the cd was over, then we could enjoy a treat. The not-so-littles were in charge of the front porch.
We opened all the windows for some fresh air. It wasn't long though before the chill returned, inspiring me for a warm cup of tea. I boiled the water, got out a few mugs & made tea. I made the not-so-littles w/ milk & sugar, I had my favorite, peppermint, as is.
After only setting the cd back a few songs..... ;-)...it was 'tea time'. We enjoyed 2 cookies each & I read them a Bible story. use of proper manners was naturally involved as well. It was quite pleasant.
Last night, after a long night, I decided to make my DH a warm cup of tea as well, along w/ cookies of course. I added milk & sugar to his as well. I knew he would think it rather strange @ first, not sure he's ever enjoyed a warm cup of tea before, but I prepared it lovingly anyway & knew he would like it once he tasted it.
I served us on a nice dish & sat w/ him on the couch. he kinda laughed @ first but I didn't take it personal. I told him: A warm cup of tea nourishes the soul. He took a drink & remarked how good it was. He enjoyed the cookies too.
Today we enjoyed tea time again. My not-so-littles actually asked me this morning if we were going to have 'tea time' today. This time I used real tea cups w/ the matching saucers, & matching dessert plates for their cookies. I read from my One Year Bible then decided to do a left over Christmas craft that we modified into an any season sun-catcher.
It was nice.
I hope to do this everyday......until I forget. lol
Monday, January 14, 2008
MORE adventures in Homemaking
Tonight we had burgers (frozen), bacon burgers. I make them in the broiler. We were also having french fries (frozen), baked in the oven.
Well, I figured I could start the fries, while the burgers were in the broiler. I put the fries in the oven, on one of my Pampered Chef stones.
Eventually, smoke was seen mysteriously rising from the oven. Wasn't sure why.
The burgers weren't burning.....
Well, apparently you CAN'T have a stone in the oven when your broiler is on underneath. lol
It was BLACK along w/ some very, extra, crispy fries. lol
Well, I figured I could start the fries, while the burgers were in the broiler. I put the fries in the oven, on one of my Pampered Chef stones.
Eventually, smoke was seen mysteriously rising from the oven. Wasn't sure why.
The burgers weren't burning.....
Well, apparently you CAN'T have a stone in the oven when your broiler is on underneath. lol
It was BLACK along w/ some very, extra, crispy fries. lol
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Lose a tooth & LOSE a tooth!
L lost her very FIRST tooth today (& she still looks cuter than ever! ). ;-)
She seemed very non-chalant about it. I went outside to talk to my neighbor & S came rushing to tell me L had lost her tooth. How exciting! I ask her oh, where is it? "I don't know." {shrug}
WHAT! How do you NOT know? She was eating an apple & noticed blood.
Ok, where were you eating your apple? on the grass.
YIKES!
How is the toothfairy going to visit & make the exchange if there is NO tooth?
Besides the 'tooth fairy'---HOW could she lose her very FIRST tooth? kwim? I save EVERY tooth, they are in a drawer, in baggies, that are dated! kwim? YES! I DID search in that wet grass for that baby tooth!
It was her FIRST one!!!!!!
sadness. ;-(
Well, she drew a picture for the toothfairy...so she still paid a visit. lol
She seemed very non-chalant about it. I went outside to talk to my neighbor & S came rushing to tell me L had lost her tooth. How exciting! I ask her oh, where is it? "I don't know." {shrug}
WHAT! How do you NOT know? She was eating an apple & noticed blood.
Ok, where were you eating your apple? on the grass.
YIKES!
How is the toothfairy going to visit & make the exchange if there is NO tooth?
Besides the 'tooth fairy'---HOW could she lose her very FIRST tooth? kwim? I save EVERY tooth, they are in a drawer, in baggies, that are dated! kwim? YES! I DID search in that wet grass for that baby tooth!
It was her FIRST one!!!!!!
sadness. ;-(
Well, she drew a picture for the toothfairy...so she still paid a visit. lol
Friday, January 11, 2008
Adventures in Homemaking....
I made a nice dinner tonight, you could actually call it a 'meal'.
Steak, biscuits (from scratch, who knew they were so easy?), vegetables (frozen) & potatoes.
I went to the grocery store & picked up this package of steak....I don't normally purchase 'steak'.....or much meat in general. My usual 'meat' choices don't vary much between: occasional ground beef, boneless, skinless chicken thighs/breasts, meatballs, deli/lunch meat or hot dogs. Yah, I rarely vary from the 'norm'. lol
I have been making more of a 'concerted' effort in this area, believe it or not. I don't particularly like to cook but I know it's because I've never felt I was ever that good @ it. I grew up on Mac-n-cheese, Hamburger Helper & pizza. iykwim.
I truly enjoy & feel proud when I nourish my family w/ an actual meal. There is something about it that you just don't get from a frozen or delivered pizza.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE pizza, probably way more than I ever should. lol I've been encouraged that creating a meal isn't so hard after all. It is also nice when you are creating it fro someone or someones you LOVE.
I felt deprived of that opportunity for the last 2 years...but no longer. I want my home to be inviting & loving for my family. What better way than to warm & nourish them from the inside out?
The other day I made Lemon-pepper chicken, it was delish! I removed my 'meat' from the bone before I put it on my plate though...me & bones don't mix. ICK! lol This wasn't a new, exotic recipe for me either, I've made it before, but not in a very, very long time. My dh really likes it too. It's simple.
Cooking is not that hard, or @ least it doesn't have to be. I can make simple, easy to prepare meals in minutes w/o a special cook book.
But Allrecipes.com IS my 'friend'. :-)
A friend also pointed out how *I* love to bake. I always associated baking w/ 'desserts' (cause everyone always loves desserts) but she was referring to baking in general. It triggered my memory of all the non-desserts I could bake. Voila'!
I'm proud of myself.
Steak, biscuits (from scratch, who knew they were so easy?), vegetables (frozen) & potatoes.
I went to the grocery store & picked up this package of steak....I don't normally purchase 'steak'.....or much meat in general. My usual 'meat' choices don't vary much between: occasional ground beef, boneless, skinless chicken thighs/breasts, meatballs, deli/lunch meat or hot dogs. Yah, I rarely vary from the 'norm'. lol
I have been making more of a 'concerted' effort in this area, believe it or not. I don't particularly like to cook but I know it's because I've never felt I was ever that good @ it. I grew up on Mac-n-cheese, Hamburger Helper & pizza. iykwim.
I truly enjoy & feel proud when I nourish my family w/ an actual meal. There is something about it that you just don't get from a frozen or delivered pizza.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE pizza, probably way more than I ever should. lol I've been encouraged that creating a meal isn't so hard after all. It is also nice when you are creating it fro someone or someones you LOVE.
I felt deprived of that opportunity for the last 2 years...but no longer. I want my home to be inviting & loving for my family. What better way than to warm & nourish them from the inside out?
The other day I made Lemon-pepper chicken, it was delish! I removed my 'meat' from the bone before I put it on my plate though...me & bones don't mix. ICK! lol This wasn't a new, exotic recipe for me either, I've made it before, but not in a very, very long time. My dh really likes it too. It's simple.
Cooking is not that hard, or @ least it doesn't have to be. I can make simple, easy to prepare meals in minutes w/o a special cook book.
But Allrecipes.com IS my 'friend'. :-)
A friend also pointed out how *I* love to bake. I always associated baking w/ 'desserts' (cause everyone always loves desserts) but she was referring to baking in general. It triggered my memory of all the non-desserts I could bake. Voila'!
I'm proud of myself.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
hello
I'm still here, still love writing...but haven't been---NO good reason---just haven't.
Adventures still abound---went hiking last week in the Angeles National Forest--great bonding (?) time w/ the ktbunch & all (& I sincerely mean ALL). Good times & good pix.
New Years is naturally a time of reflection...&...looking forward...right?
There is plenty in my life that I would rather NOT reflect on. iykwim. That's why my blog is mainly pleasant, w/ bits & pieces, of sometimes harsh reality thrown in. I'm not trying to hide reality or who I am really am, but rather purposely affecting what I focus on. I was looking through my archives...I noticed I completely glossed over New Years Eve 2006---it existed, I remember it fully, I have pix saved on my puter, but there is no mention of it here. It was not a particularly happy occasion & I purposely did not write about it.
I honestly can't say it was my worst year ever...I haven't had a 'worst' yet...because it can always be worse....Nor have I had the best yet either...because so many moments are better & better.
We can't change the past, we can only affect how we react to it. Reactions are important.
I am not the same person this year that I was last year.
I will not be the same person this year that I was 2 years ago.
Did you know you have an entirely body every 7 years? Your skin is completley replaced, entirely new, every 7 years.
I am a new person, part by force & part by choice.
I am purposefully making changes within myself, changes in my thinking, changes mainly in my assertiveness. I do not have to 'settle' any longer & I refuse too...although 'settling' IS comfortable of course. Aren't most habits? Comfortable, I mean.
After my mom died, I was changed. You would think anyone would be right? but I see some around me, stuck, seemingly UNchanged, living the same way, exactly as they did before. I guess I could do that too, if I wanted to.....or could I?
I was changed anyway. I would no longer wait around, to live as I wanted. Afraid or not, *I* could do things, I would do things. Life has limits but I would live within my limits, no excuses, I would still live.
Of course, there were other things that have changed me. Heartbreaks...but it's part of living...& loving. Risk. I'm not afraid to take risks, in life or love. I only know how to love fully. I think it's part of living fully.
This year...this year holds the promise of many more adventures to come. My life is my adventure. I'm not waiting for it. I'm living it, right here, right now. In my neighborhood, in my state, in my home.
There are books to be read, bikes to ride, races to run, trails to hike, creeks to cross, cakes to bake, patterns to crochet, skills to learn, lessons to be taught, muffins to mix & laughter to be had....by all.
We only have one past but our futures are unlimited.
Happy New Year!
Adventures still abound---went hiking last week in the Angeles National Forest--great bonding (?) time w/ the ktbunch & all (& I sincerely mean ALL). Good times & good pix.
New Years is naturally a time of reflection...&...looking forward...right?
There is plenty in my life that I would rather NOT reflect on. iykwim. That's why my blog is mainly pleasant, w/ bits & pieces, of sometimes harsh reality thrown in. I'm not trying to hide reality or who I am really am, but rather purposely affecting what I focus on. I was looking through my archives...I noticed I completely glossed over New Years Eve 2006---it existed, I remember it fully, I have pix saved on my puter, but there is no mention of it here. It was not a particularly happy occasion & I purposely did not write about it.
I honestly can't say it was my worst year ever...I haven't had a 'worst' yet...because it can always be worse....Nor have I had the best yet either...because so many moments are better & better.
We can't change the past, we can only affect how we react to it. Reactions are important.
I am not the same person this year that I was last year.
I will not be the same person this year that I was 2 years ago.
Did you know you have an entirely body every 7 years? Your skin is completley replaced, entirely new, every 7 years.
I am a new person, part by force & part by choice.
I am purposefully making changes within myself, changes in my thinking, changes mainly in my assertiveness. I do not have to 'settle' any longer & I refuse too...although 'settling' IS comfortable of course. Aren't most habits? Comfortable, I mean.
After my mom died, I was changed. You would think anyone would be right? but I see some around me, stuck, seemingly UNchanged, living the same way, exactly as they did before. I guess I could do that too, if I wanted to.....or could I?
I was changed anyway. I would no longer wait around, to live as I wanted. Afraid or not, *I* could do things, I would do things. Life has limits but I would live within my limits, no excuses, I would still live.
Of course, there were other things that have changed me. Heartbreaks...but it's part of living...& loving. Risk. I'm not afraid to take risks, in life or love. I only know how to love fully. I think it's part of living fully.
This year...this year holds the promise of many more adventures to come. My life is my adventure. I'm not waiting for it. I'm living it, right here, right now. In my neighborhood, in my state, in my home.
There are books to be read, bikes to ride, races to run, trails to hike, creeks to cross, cakes to bake, patterns to crochet, skills to learn, lessons to be taught, muffins to mix & laughter to be had....by all.
We only have one past but our futures are unlimited.
Happy New Year!
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