My kids are punks!

You should be jealous because our family is SO fun! Seriously.

My oldest *phished* my FB...again! This time though he added a video onto it of *how* he did it. lol He changed my profile pic of one of him holding a paper sign that said: 'punk'd' & he changed my status. This is the 2nd time he did that. And he chose the perfect daywhen Idid not see it ALL day until evening.

He did it a few days prior too & changed my profile pic to a silly one of him & the dog. lol
We crack ourselves up.

Before that he did it to DH 2 times too.
He's so silly.
I'm glad our family is so fun & we can laugh @ ourselves regularly.

I'm trying to think of something to do to get him back but it has to be really clever because we (& he) do not embarrass that easy. lol

Wowness...

This past week I've been on an amazing & not very enjoyable emotional roller coast...You'd think I'd be used to it by now? maybe? kinda? sort-of?

I've been very disappointed in people. I was so upset by things I was finding out & inexplicable behavior I thought I was going to go into labor. I'm not even kidding OR being melodramatic.

You think you can depend on people & there are people you *should* be able to depend on....
I also found out some shocking {extended} family secrets that completely threw me for a loop. It's taken me a few days to process everything, one right after the other, in maddening fashion.

It hurts too, ya know?

But the bottom line is grace & forgiveness.
People are real, people are human, they have emotions, temptations, we make mistakes & sometimes it's disappointing & maybe we think our secrets will never be found out but eventually....it all comes to the surface.

I even questioned WHY God would have me find out these secrets? For what purpose? I mean really? What is the point? My friend pointed out that there should not be secrets....things need to come out in the open...I guess???

It's a lot to deal w/ as an adult, really. ...much less that little girl inside. ya know? I wonder how much more of these types of things I can really *take* as a human being. How much more dishonesty will I have to face in my life?

I'm not even sure how I feel about everything or what to think about the situation but I know it comes down to *love*. As God loves, not as I can or can't or don't want to *love* but as God loves, unconditionally. Loving people AS they ARE.

It's over-whelming, really. Over the past day or so, I've just wanted to *cry* to relieve the stress if nothing more.

I wonder if my life will ever *not* be disappointing? I know I have so much to be grateful & thankful for & I am. I question how much disappointment a heart can take. I know there are plenty of people worse off than me, too. I am not living their life though, I am living mine. & my life does NOT suck, let me make that clear.

But it sure has been so disappointing lately. No, I take that back, my life is not disappointing, it's really just circumstances surrounding it, that are part of me? Or I am part of it? OR whatever. It's affected me anyway.

Again, another truth: God is *faithful*, never changes, will never let us down. We can rely on Him when all around us is spinning out of control in every direction.

{sigh}

I'm off to, hopefully, a good nights sleep.

-Here we go, here we go, HERE we GOOooooo!

Dh has 2 auditions! One this morning & one Monday afternoon.

I am so excited for him. I know he is so excited too.

Both were calls he submitted *himself* for, iow, his agent did not submit him. We can figure why...they were for *older* men. heehee. They wanted older, hispanic, fluent Spanish speaking men. He is *not* older right?

But that premature gray hair he has? Well it looks like it could be lucrative. Don't tell him I told you, but his agent told him to color his gray away so he'd look more his age & younger, ok fine, it's his facial hair mostly, so he took pix w/ it colored & that is what the agent wanted & she has...he also has pix w/ his *gray*..so he submitted himself w/ pix of the gray to these 2 calls & they called him. So it works to be versatile.

This would never work nor be an option for a woman! kwim? lol

Just getting the calls are encouraging but it would be SO much MORE exciting if he actually could get the jobs. right?

Here's hoping...but it's just the beginning. I am confident there will be plenty more *calls* out there! I was feeling so down yesterday too...getting into that: *I'm-tired-of-having-to-live-like-this-&-not-even-having-$5-to-my-name-life!!!* kwim?

I cried (literally) out to God & asked him for *some* encouragement....well this was just what *I* needed. Hope, hope, hope!!!

Again Please?

The more I'm *in* it...the more I *see*.

There is some weird, unexplainable issues going on w/ my health care coverage & it's enough to make any slightly tired or simply unmotivated person GIVE UP! All letters & paperwork stated I & my family were covered since Jan 1, 2009.

Then you request what *plan* you want to use. Ok, did that, numerous times, on numerous occasions, went to member services offices, following all directions & instructions given...each to NO avail!

Then received the appropriate paperwork assuring me that I & my family were covered, in the plan we wanted, staring Feb 1, 2009. OOokkkk. I had to cancel my Jan prenatal appointment as it was...but figured it would be ok for Feb.

I was told to call back in Feb to *be sure* I was covered....ok? I did that...NOPE!
Found out my *case worker*, 3rd one in 6 weeks btw, ONLY handles the *food stamp* portion of my case now & my medi-cal (health coverage) has been *separated* from the food stamp portion of the *case*....Whatever *that* means. What does that mean? & WHY is it happening?

I was told to call another number & ask for ________ a supervisor. I called was not given access to the supervisor & given the run around & transferred numerous times. Finally, after about 3 different phone numbers & transfers, I was transfered to a *supervisor* who was the initial person I was instructed to ask for & speak to!!!!

She informed me my case had been *separated* & that my medi-cal case worker was in *training* & she (the supervisor) would be turning in my paperwork on the 20th...this was the beginning of the month, mind you. WHY it had to wait until the 20th, I have NO idea.

I then asked her: so I won't be able to see my provider until I am 8 MONTHS pregnant? I have NOT had a prenatal appointment since Dec 1st!!! OH! You're pg? YES!!!! Oh well, you should be able to make it to your next appointment on the Feb 25th! Oh ok! {eyeroll}.

Well I forgot to ask her what to do in case of an emergency...do I go to my health plan provider or do I go to the nearest hospital? Cause the health plan is a member plan so I wasn't sure if I would have access to them if I was not in the system. kwim?

So I started to have some suspicious issues earlier this week so I finally called the health department to ask this simple question. It was about 11:30 am. I have NO idea who my medi-cal case worker is...so I call the general number, cause I have a general question, right? The woman who answers informs me I can call back w/ questions between 8:30am & 10:30 am.

Are you kidding me? She was serious. She would NOT answer my simple question. I told her I was pg & I wanted to know what to do in case of an emergency. She asked: IS it an EMERGENCY? whaaaa??? Is this a life or death emergency? Ok, well not @ the moment. Ok then you can call back between 8:30 am & 10:30 am.

Apparently you are NOT allowed to have emergencies except for between those hours, Monday through Friday. Are you kidding me? WHY did she even answer the phone then? Am I NOT a human being?

I felt *so* frustrated I just burst into tears! I began to feel just so awful. Thank goodness I was able to combat these lies of the enemy about my personal value & worth w/ God's truth...but imagine all those who are in this system & do not have that *truth*?

It was such an awful & frustrating feeling. People NOT wanting to help you.
DH was able to call the health plan directly & get some answers that were quite reassuring but jeez!

This is real life people! This is what people go through & deal w/ *every single day*. They get beaten & worn down, mistreated & eventually it becomes *who* they are....They can't get out of it, they think they deserve this treatment & so they stay in this system forever.

I am an educated, intelligent, grown woman...& yet *I* feel overwhelmed & confused w/ the mounds of paperwork, case worker changes, forms, questions & appointments myself. SO imagine someone who's english isn't that good? Or perhaps they don't feel too smart & worse, have absolutely NO help or support to navigate through each question....Giving up & avoiding it all together looks very tempting.

Then you have these families falling through the cracks w/ no hope.

It's NOT about people *wanting* to be poor! It's *not* about people *wanting* to take advantage. It's about a lack of compassion & hope & a mentality that sees no other way out.

I don't know exactly why God has me here, in this position, @ this time...but I have an idea.
I don't fit the *stereo-type*, I know that. I stand out like a sore thumb @ the offices when I have to go there. I look like the *exception* right?

But I am a person, just like every other human being who does NOT look like an *exception* in this *system*. All of US, cause it's NOT a *them*, each of us are children of God!!! Deserving to be treated w/ dignity & compassion.

Maybe that is the point...it's NOT a *them* vs US. I am NO different from the next. I think people want to comfort themselves & tell themselves my family are the *exception*, we are not *taking advantage* of the system...uh NO! Look @ ME! I can be a representative of this SYSTEM! The problems w/ it & the reason so many can get sucked in & never move out of it...

I do have an advantage in that I have a *support System*, which many do not...so how can we help those w/o that support &hope? That is the question. What are we DOING to HELP?

Btw: food stamps covers candy, soda, gum, kool-aid, cupcake sprinkles but NOT energy drinks!
Just thought you should know. ;-)

Break-through or clear view?

Lately I have been so blessed to watch my children. It's not anything literal they are *doing* to bless me, but it's just a feeling of watching them & seeing*who* they are.

I can't put my finger on it exactly but it's something.....

Like I am seeing *who* they are for the first time...& I *really* like them. They are so enjoyable. It's as if they are suddenly surrounded by a spirit of *freedom* & are really flourishing in that freedom. Their personalities are joyful, fun & creative. They are growing spiritually & I can see that freedom as well. Freedom to not fear listening to God & *expecting* to hear his voice. Freedom to serve & bless others w/o fear or inhibition.

It's a feeling like putting in all this time, training, effort & investment & I'm beginning to see the returns. I know I am not done w/ all of it....there is still plenty of work/training to do....but to see them shining, so brightly, touches my heart.

I see my oldest self confident & assured. Willing to help people, a good conversationalist, not partial to people but friendly to everyone. He's the kid in youth group that will reach out to the ones who look lost or alone. He attends most service events...for what? He could be spending his time differently, but he chooses to spend his Saturdays serving others.

My middle-not-so-little, such a sweet spirit, willing to help. Knowing he can ask God to speak to him & believing He will answer. Growing confident of his abilities. That roughness or harshness that is sometimes carried or taken on by children in outside school, is not there. He's just himself. He doesn't want to stand out, he simply wants to obey & please others, he wants to serve & he wants to sing.

Then there's Birdy...aaahhhh...my complicated girl. She's everything all rolled in one. Self assured, free to also be herself. Sensitive, caring & loves to dance. Not afraid to be on stage or speak her mind. Not afraid to get dirty & look cute...all @ the same time. Not afraid to pray & ask God for healing & already assured in HIS love for her that HE cares for her & she feels *special* BECAUSE she is confident that her Heavenly Father loves HER & that makes her believe she is one of the most special girls on Earth! I hope she never loses that!!!

Seeing them *flourish*, that is the word that comes to mind, encourages me, as a mother, knowing I have been a part of that. Somewhere, w/ all my failings, along the way I have been able to lead them to the creator, to the one who will *never* fail or let them down. The *ONE* who DOES see them as the most special person, child, son & daughter on Earth. The one who DIED for THEM & them alone. As he did for each us, individually.

I think that might be it.....they are beginning to have a grasp of their identity in Christ. Something it took me what? 34? 35? years to truly realize? And maybe they don't understand it intellectually but they feel it in their heart & soul. It's what allows us to truly be ourselves, separate from outside forces, wounds or expectations. They know they are a creations of Jesus Christ & have the freedom to simply BE who they are....in Christ.

Perhaps it's my own new found freedom & confidence in my own identity that allows me to recognize it within them......

Valentine's Day...

Well, if you don't know by now...it's my MOST favorite day of the year....I have *really* been looking forward to it since New Years, ya know?

Last night I was caught unexpectedly, in the middle of the night, w/ severe stomach pains. When Berty was sick Monday, she complained of stomach pains right before she threw up each time. So I figured I must've got her flu, a few days late.

Except...I never threw up or anything! I spent the night on the bathroom floor HOPING I'd vomit just so I could feel better. No luck. :-(

I was wiped out this morning, debated whether I should still show up for our A Gazillion Valentine's Outreach. I finally decided to go. It was really great, actually. People seemed genuinely blessed to receive free Valentine's & chocolates. But I was not on top of *my* game, disappointingly

Our youth group went back to the park to hand out Valentine's & care packages. Oldest went w/ them of course. My not-so-littles did really well approaching people & passing out the cards & saying Happy Valentine's Day!

Then DH took me to the movies. Slumdog Millionnaire!! It's already been nominated for 10 Oscars, including Best Picture. I did not know that before seeing it, but I can certainly see why!!! It is an excellent movie!

Oldest is spending the evening volunteering some more @ church. The Youth are fundraising for their Philippines Mission by doing childcare for the Valentine's movie/event tonight.

I won't be going out to eat though, even though DH had planned on it. I think I do best when I'm NOT eating today. bummer. So we're just chillaxin. I am disappointed to not have the energy or motivation to make my kiddos a few Valentine's goodies I had planned. but we did bring them a Balloon Bouquet yesterday. Kids love balloons. :-)

Yesterday was all raining....but today was bright & cheery w/ a touch of chilly.

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!!!

It's ON!

We started a 21 day Fast @ church. (we did one this time last year too) I think fasting is supposed to be secret? Oh well.

So I'm obviously NOT fasting *food* exactly, except for sugar. I did that last year too. It's harder this year & it really puts a crimp in my Valentines style. iykwim. Baking is my thing & now I can't! hmph!

Anyway...so I initially committed to sugar & internet. Not a full internet fast---get real. But severely limited. Then I realized that was just UNrealistic. SO much communication happens via email. SO I had to revamp it.

But the past few days have been crazy, mad, hectic. I was very distracted from what my focus was supposed to be. Here is just a snippet of the chaotic that has been the past few days:

*Berty randomly awoke Monday morning vomiting.
*Rabbit kept getting out all day yesterday, followed by numerous knocks on our door from well meaning neighbors to let us know.
*Our male dog finally *got* our female dog & has been going crazy to get to her ever since.
*Found out health insurance situation is still NOT settled. Have not had a prenatal appointment since Dec. 1.
*Dh had a heck of a time activating a prepaid cell he needs for communicating w/ his new agent.
*Washer pipes are not draining, except up & out onto my laundry room floor.
*Washer is not spinning well & dryer is not drying well.

& that's pretty much just for starters.
Then I remembered that this time last year, on day one of the Fast, Dh had lost his job. I realized all of this was to be expected. Of course. So I purposed to pray even harder for protection & peace over all of us that are participating.

I expect great things afterwards. Like last year, it made such a huge difference in my life. I can't explain it but it was good. I think a lot of things become *released* after a time of spiritual focus. The theme this year is Christ's Awakening.

Bring it on!

So *that's* over.

Not last night but the night before (24 robbers came knocking @ my door! remember that? lol) I was awakened to the sound of my Birdygirl choking, gagging & then vomiting, all over her bed! Nice.

It was merely 4:30 AM. Dh tagged teamed. He held her hair while she huddled over the toilet & I stripped the bed. Then she crawled into bed w/ us & I didn't sleep a wink for the next few hours. It was the worst night of non-sleep I've had in awhile!

She awoke around 7 or 8 & promptly vomited again. sigh.

She spent the rest of the day watching cartoons, sleeping, getting stomach pains then vomiting, again. She even spiked a fever eventually.

I tried to keep her hydrated w/ sips of water through out the day....& laying hands on her & praying over her as well.

Today...she woke up bright eyed & bushy-tailed & it wasn't long before she was flitting, fluttering, singing & dancing around the house....so obviously, she's BACK to her self. :-)

blah blah bloggity blah?

No, actually there IS some exciting news to share...
(that title is simply inspired by the weather lol)

DH got an AGENT! A real live, reputable agent! Here we go. It's funny, it's just *one* step but it's a step so many *never* take! Or try to take & just can't get *there*. I know it's what we've wanted & been working towards & it's the right move in the right direction...but suddenly..I feel like it's just not real.

The *realist* in me suddenly feels like stepping BACK! Too afraid to *hope*. Why? God has NOT let me down, ever. Especially in the past few months & years of trying times. Yet, when it's time, when we're getting close to *it*--I step back in *fear*. I know what it is. I'll admit.

Fear to hope & dream that something we've *really* wanted could possibly HAPPEN! I mean let's be REAL here right?

But then WHY? WHY be *real*? I have seen God produce *real* money, literally out of thin air. I have seen God work miracles in physical bodies. Miracles in emotions & changes of heart...& yet...

I guess it just seems too unreal to happen. I know people think this whole *acting* thing is SO UNrealistic...right? But if you know it's where God has been leading you....but you were ignoring it for SO long...Why would it be UNrealistic then? When you *know* God has gifted you w/ this amazing talent...why wouldn't you use it?

I know, it's only ONE step..but it's a huge step forward. Contracts need to be signed next week, pictures have been updated & the audition process begins. There are hundreds of audition notices *every* day for 1000 of aspiring performers.

Then I realize, this is ALL about business, money for the agencies & casting directors. kwim? They are NOT our *friends* they don't make money or get paid to tell you nice things. They ONLY represent you because they have a *gift*, if you will, to be able to LOOK @ you & believe they can MAKE $$$ off of YOU! kwim? They WANT to make money. This is real & believable. My DH is not a *product* that the agent believes will make her $$$$. This is such GREAT news!!!

When I can view it like that...through the lens of my admitted doubt...I can see the potential. I am so excited to see what God is going to do here. Why would I allow my own insecurity to infiltrate my positivity & hope I had last month? My excitement...last month I KNEW this day was coming...& HERE it is! Since when have *I* ever been afraid to HOPE? Go BIG or go HOME, right? I've hoped for more impossible things then this.

Here we goooooo!!! :-D ;-D :-D

Cwazy Wabbit!

O my!!! We finally caught him!!!

We put him in the playhouse & he jumped OUT the window!!!

We're gonna put signs in the neighborhood....

Now we have one dog in the house (normal), one dog OUTside & put the rabbit IN the dogs room.

Hope his owners want to claim him.

What a day. lol
What an exciting, adventurous, ROFLOL day.

O! & @ one point we had a teenager, 2 not-so-littles, a pg lady, blind guy & pastor ALL chasing & trying to catch this rabbit! What a site! lol

We've been chasing a rabbit ALL day!!!

I'm NOT even kidding.
I was awakened by an early morning knock on my door, it was barely 8am. I was ASLEEP, as was everyone else.

I didn't answer but I did get up & look & some lady was walking away.

Well I figured out it was because there was a rabbit in our yard & then under our car.
We live on a main street so I have been afraid all day it was going to run out into the street & get killed.

We've been trying to CATCH it all day. It's all white w/ freaky red eyes.

It runs down to another block but eventually keeps coming back to OUR yard. Apparently he likes the dandelions? lol

BUT we can't catch him....
SO now our new tactic is to try & guide him to the side of the house, we have a small garden fence & I thought if we could get him over tot eh side, I could set up the small fence & he would @ least be safe.....he MUST belong to someone???

And *I* must look hilarious, this obviously pg lady, chasing this rabbit...I almost had him once, he was right in front of me....& I had a giant blanket to throw over him to trap him but I missed...a few times. lol

@ least I am in the sunshine, we are laughing ALOT & I'm getting a bit of exercise. lol