Happy Birthday mom.

Somewhat melancholy but it was ok. 

This morning we went to the beach for regular Saturday morning beach volleyball.  We haven't been for awhile. I walked w/ the babe and enjoyed the gorgeous weather.  It was breezy but not too chilly.  We followed the paved trail a ways then back tracked along the shore line. It's easy to push a stroller along the water's edge and I thought baby would like the change of scenery.  He fell asleep. I had a nice long conversation w/ God. Well, I tried to anyway but one of us was quite wordy and the other couldn't get much of  a word in edge wise. I think He got his point across though cause I found myself asking for forgiveness for quite a few things.

Later we did some not-Spring cleaning to get ready for Christmas, make room for our hope-we-get-a-tree.  Dh barBq'd and few friends and family came over. We hung out in the back yard and had a bonfire going. It was a nice night for that, clear and cool.

I am so blessed to live in such a great area with a wonderful climate. Being at the beach in the morning was way too nice.  I am so blessed that God chose me to be born in CA. It sounds funny but I am so serious. 

I rearranged my living room a bit, in prepration for Christmas.   This required taking a lot of the books and items off the bookshelves. In doing so, many forgotten books literally jumped out at me. 

One is: Hundred Dollar Holiday, The Case for a More Joyful Christmas.  I highly recommend it. I never finished it when I got it but I understood the gist of it in the first few pages.  I'm reading it again now.  It confirms and affirms how I feel about 'stuff' in general and is encouraging when faced with the temptations of all that is glittery, especially during this season of high consumerism.`

I forgot to mention...

I {fiiiiiinalyyyyy} finished and submitted my application to return to school.  University, here I come. I hope.  Only took me 1.5 months of procrastinating to accomplish it.  It's out of my hands now. 

When I actually finished the online app--I was suddenly gripped with fear.  What if this is a mistake?  What if I really don't have time?  What if it's the wrong major? what if, what if, what if?  I felt SO nervous I could not hit that submit button.  I went to bed instead--to sleep on it. 

I was up early the next morning.  I immediately got online and clicked submit before I had time to talk myself out of it.  It was rather anti-climactic, actually.  I didn't feel any different really.  Maybe I will next Fall.....

I keep asking myself: WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

I don't pretend to buy into a 'having it all' mentality. I don't believe it's possible.  So how will I do this? I'm not sure myself.  Maybe it will only be 2 classes at a time?  I do know it won't be without God. I know I felt confident in the plan He gave me so I am sticking to it.  Yes, I agree, it sounds crazy.

I have to keep reminding myself that my life has changed.  I have changed--I think.  It's not a bad life and it's not bad to change.  I don't know how exactly I'll get to the end of the big picture, the final destination, which is a clear vision God has given me.  I'll leave those fine details to Him.

I will continue to strive towards it, since He has shown me the big picture....at least for now.  I can't be afraid of making a mistake.  Fear is immobilizing.  I can get so afraid of making the wrong choice that I make no choice.  Not moving is not an option.  You have to move in this life.  Hopefully forward.  If you end up moving back a few paces, that is ok too.

No fear!

Close to hitting bottom...

Last night our car was impounded. (which is a nicer way of saying repossessed, it is what it is) Besides humiliating, it is quite a freaky feeling. One minute we are relaxing at home, DH was eating some ice cream then *suddenly* he realized our car was not out front. Freeeeeaky!

They had a right to take it, of course. No denying that. I just can't believe it has come to that. My emotional response felt very PTSD-ish! My chest got tight, hard to breathe, shock, numbness & finally tears from deep within myself that I could not control or stop. Eventually, I even cried myself to sleep later too.

It's not about the car--it's a hunk of junk, that we will try to get back, somehow. It's the fact that it came to this. DH actually did 2 great jobs (commercials) last month but for some reason (unusual) he has not been paid on them yet. (that's a whole other blog) I kept hoping (& praying) he would get paid in time to catch the van up to date...but it hasn't happened yet.

I can live with out a car. That's no big deal. The good thing is, the life that we lead, we often *choose* to walk to run errands. We live within walking distance of most places we go to like the park and library, post office and grocery store, even our church. My children will not notice much of a difference really.

It will be a bit inconvenient when DH has his shows or auditions. Most of our extended families have extra cars (1 to 1 ratio) to help us when needed...so far. Hopefully it will not last too long.

Really though, it's just so NOT about that. It's so embarrassing and humiliating. Having to explain...kwim? Being how old and experiencing this? I am too old for this. Shouldn't we have established careers by now?

It's not even that this happened....it's everything that led up to this happening that really haunts me. Unresolved issues. Open wounds that run deep...

I even tried not to, but I just *can't* seem to shake still having *hope*.
;-)

I figure we'll have quite a rags to riches story.....someday.

Bad Mommy Moment #542 & 543

I was @ the library the other day, feeling very good mommyish. I had to change baby while there and when I put him back in his stroller, although my lovely Birdy reminded me, I did not buckle him into his seat, like I normally do. I figured I was going to take him right back out when I returned to our table.  As I reentered the library, I was craftily distracted by the Friends of the Library, books for sale. They had a rolling cart filled with irresistable Christmas craft books.  I perused the cheaply priced books to see if there was one I just *had* to have that would warrant spending the $1 I had found on our walk there.

Suddenly Birdy says MOM! and I had to gasp as I look down and see my sweet baby entangled in the straps of his stroller. He had flipped himself completely over (from a sitting position) onto his stomach, his feet hanging out the front of the stroller! Of course I quickly glanced around to see if anyone had taken note of my 'bad mommy moment'. Whew!

Then I had placed him on my bed to change his clothes. His head was toward the middle of the bed, with his feet facing the edge.  My room is very small so I literally only needed to turn slightly to grab a pair of pants for him. Faster than I can type this, I turned back around & his head was at the end of the bed along with his whole body, ready to take a nose dive any second!! Baby K!!!! What was he thinking? Goodness. I hadn't even stepped away from the bed. That little baby is quick, I tell ya.

I have a feeling K might keep his angels (and this momma) on their toes...

Who knew football could be *Cute*?

Tonight we went to a football game.  A highschool football game. My Dh highschool football game.  It was their 20 year championship football team reunion. Not a highschool reunion, but a reunion for the football team that won back to back CIF championships.  It was so CUTE!

They met pre-game in the teacher's lounge.  The old coaches were there.  They had food and snacks, football balloons and old friends. They gave each player a goody bag w/ a complimentary program of the evening, a tshirt w/ the original championship design and a dvd copy of the winning game from 20 years ago.  During the game they were able to be out on the field and were escorted and introduced during half time.

Afterward, we met up @ a resaurant.  DH wore his highschool letterman jacket. It still fit. A bit tighter than 20 years ago but he could snap it up. It was cute to see him so excited.  It was fun to watch the game...even if the team is NOT so good this year.

We saw some people from church supporting their student. I LOVE how I can be out & about & run into people from church. *That* is 'community'.

It's also interesting to note that normally, in our 'circle' we have the oldest child. Around all these football players, our oldest was one of the youngers....many players had 18-19 year old kids. Public school results? We'll never know...

Healing

Oldest DS has been experiencing pain in various muscles and especially one of his shoulders. That shoulder is *very* visibly lower than the other.(by @ least an inch or more) A few nights ago, we decided to lay hands on him & pray. It was Birdy and myself. We prayed for healing, no more pain etc. After the first prayer, he said the pain was noticeably less. We prayed again & again he said he was feeling better & he asked for us to pray specifically for his elbows and joints. We prayed again. Also after each prayer we kept checking the balance of his shoulders. We noticed his chest muscles were also obviously different sizes. We layed hands on his chest & continued praying for healing, no pain, straight spine, symmetry, strong muscles etc etc etc.



Afterward, his shoulders were VERY visibly equal, if anything only a centimeter difference. To make sure we weren't imagining it, he even went in the bathroom to look in the mirror to confirm for himself. He came back & agreed. (& we checked again to make triple sure) He said when we prayed the last time that he felt his arm/shoulder physically move up. We did not have our hands on his shoulder or arm @ all either!!!

I don't know why I doubt but I kept asking him how it felt for the next few days afterward. I think God allowed the healing to NOT happen instantaneously after the first prayer, in oder to allow our faith to grow and as it did, more healing took place. Either way, pretty cool if you ask me!!!

Busy Baby

Rolling over at lightening speed, another tooth before I even know you're teething, your first Halloween, a few days shy of 7 mos.

I want to cry. Why? Because I know the time is flying by faster than I can keep the memories in my head. Even though I long for a full night of sleep, I know I will miss the day you are no longer in my bed. In the middle of a hectic day (which is very often lately) I look at your sweet face, those cheeks that are beginning to fill out and I can't help but swell up inside, to over flowing, with love.

Love beyond description.

You help me stop.

Stop feeling overwhelmed. Stop worrying. Stop rushing. Stop and give you kisses. Stop and tell you what a joy you are to my life. What a blessing you are. I stop and smile at you and you smile back with that beautiful toothy grin with drool dripping down your chin. I repeat what a joy you are to my life. What a joy your sister is and your two brothers.

I know that tomorrow will come quickly. Today is a mere blink. So I stop, I open my eyes and I *love* you. I take a deep breathe. I enjoy you.

There is no rush. You will grow up, for sure. You will sleep through the night. You will have your own bed. Your own room.

And you will no longer cry for me...

Thank you my love.
Thank you for reminding me...of every moment.