I'm not really sure how this 'hospice stuff' works but the doctor told my mom to look into it....he does not think grandma will last through June.
She has recently acquired ANOTHER 'infection' but this time her body is NOT currently responding to the anti-biotics...She is becoming more & more extremely unresponsive to anything....completely staring into space & not 'coming back' for even a moment or staying asleep the whole time.
Her current white count is 29 (which I have now discovered probably means 29,000, normal healthy white count is between 4,000 & 11,000)...I'm not really sure what that means but it is definitely NOT good.
I think my mom is on the brink of freaking out...like not wanting to make plans for the coming weeks.....afraid that grandma will die & I don't know what, so it seems she thinks she is 'supposed' to just wait around for gran to die instead.
I don't think that way...I think we need to keep on living & when gran is ready, she will go whether we are there or not....you can't stop living can you?AM I cold-hearted then because I don't want to stop my life to 'wait' in case gran dies? She has lived an extremely long life & her death will be a relief & not just for her. kwim?
This will be the first time I have had to deal w/ the death of a 'close' family member in my adult life, much less in my life in general.
I was in jr hi I think when my grandfather on my dad's side died & he lived in another state so we weren't exactly close to him & we did not attend the funeral, only my dad did, due to traveling expenses.
All the other funerals I have attended have been for distant relatives on my DH side of the family. Oh I forgot, I do remember attending my great aunt's funeral, I was a little girl...maybe 10? Maybe younger. That is the only one for my family though.
I don't think I like this part of 'being an adult'...not @ all. It makes me feel old & like I'm passing into a new stage or something....kwim?
And I'm not particularly 'sad' or anything...I might get emotional when her time really comes...I keep rehearsing what I will say @ her funeral..I don't really think that is abnormal, but it could be. I normally rehearse things I think I might say for lots of occasions. I think I have been planning this little speech for a few years now.
On another "growing up' note...the man who married Dh & I---he recently had a heart attack...
On a related funny note....I am on the 'e-mail prayer chain' @ church....when/if you have a prayer request, you drop it in the offering bucket & then they send it via email to all the people on the prayer chain.
@ different times I wrote a prayer request for my grandma, that her suffering would be minimal & she would pass in peace & no pain...or something to that effect. BOTH times I got NO prayer chain emails that week...so I started to wonder if my prayer was not appropriate {praying for someone TO die??? maybe???} or offensive...I even made sure in my second prayer request to mention she was 91 years old & had many ailments ect.
THEN I found out----when you place a prayer request---they do NOT send you own prayer requests to YOU. lolololol
It's hard losing someone. But when you know they have fought a long battle AND that they have lived a good long life, then it can be more "natural" as Mary says.
ReplyDeleteYou are not "odd" at all for practicing what you'll say. Nor are you odd for going on with your life. I suspect it's what your Grandmother would want. She probably doesn't want everyone there waiting on it to happen.
You have been there to support her and help her as she has been ill. That is a blessing to her. And it's one that I am sure she is still drawing upon somewhere in her own conscious.
I'm praying for you all. I have not dealt with hospice personally, but I know they have a GREAT reputation for helping families transition and deal with this final stage.
Blessings, sister.