Honoring the Dishonorable

HOW do we respect & honor those who are not only dishonoring and disrespecting us, but even their own selves? WHAT does that really look like?

The first thought to consider, I ran into at a recent Bible study, started with this verse:
Exodus 20:12 "Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you."

Honor releases LIFE. Honor: releasing life by recognizing the glory that is in another.
We can honor a person by speaking LIFE to release it. NOT words of death. 

A recent morning's old testament Bible readings were about the time when Saul was chasing after David. (1 Sam 24:1-25:44) David had opportunity, when Saul was unprepared & vulnerable to KILL him. He chose not to & gave as his reasons, that Saul was appointed by God. He did go onto say, maybe Saul would die in some other way, in battle or something BUT it would NOT be by HIS (David's) hand.

He did not want to be responsible for the death of one who was appointed by God. However, David DID let Saul know that he had opportunity to kill him but did not take it. Saul would then call out to David to come join him but David did not.

**Saul was still dangerous-a danger to David.** David did not intentionally expose himself to this danger. David respected for Saul, not even as a human being or even as King BUT BECAUSE GOD has positioned Saul as King. And David did NOT put himself in harm's way by running back to Saul. 

GOD has APPOINTED certain people and relationships for us. If you believe that...you can release any idea or need for people to behave a certain way in order for you to honor or respect them. 

START with your speaking. How do you refer to people in your life or people you have relationships (especially estranged ones) with? Do you call them a nick-name? Do you make jokes about them? Do you complain about their unbecoming behaviors to others?

We can choose to focus on their good and complimentary traits. We can highlight the positive. We should also be praying blessings for them and thank God for their good traits. If you can not think of any thing good about them or anything to be thankful for, ask God to show or remind you about their positive qualities.

Also, I heard my middle son make a sarcastic remark about someone today. Yes, he's frustrated, hurt and angry. I understand this. However, I confessed and apologized for any way *I* may have done this myself in the past--starting w/ ME taking ownership here--and proceeded to give the example of how David treated Saul. 

From here on forward, as a family, we will only speak of other people with the utmost respect...or say NOTHING. This does not erase what transpires. It does not lessen the impact or condone bad behavior. We acknowledge the wrongs against us but we won't make derogatory jokes or sarcastic remarks. We will respect the people in our lives, in POSITIONS, APPOINTED by GOD, in our family. If nothing else, our motivation is to honor the position the LORD has appointed various people to. 

This might seem VERY obvious to some of you. I THOUGHT I was being respectful and training my children to be as well (and most often, we probably were). Then we had an incident that helped me realized, at least sometimes, our honor and respect were being influenced by other people's behavior...but it should (or can) be INDEPENDENT of anyone's behavior. 

It took REALLY digging in deep, through prayer, God's Word and meditating on it to come to this place. We do not need to point fingers or place blame.  We must be intentional in speaking LIFE to those we love and care about...making our goal reconciliation--in whatever form that can happen for now-which would be for all of us to be able to have fellowship again.

We control ourselves. One fruit of the Spirit is self control. We can not control others and we should not strive to, but we can always make a choice to control ourselves.

Dear Wounded Child

I want to address every child that has ever been wounded, disappointed or let down by a parent. I want to stand in for your parent that has disappointed you. We are adults, and you were right to expect us to behave like ones. I want to say I am sorry.

I am sorry that we did not protect you. I am sorry for being selfish and putting my own wants and desires first. I am sorry for letting you down. I'm sorry that we did not behave as adults. I'm sorry that we put you in a position of having to grow up too fast, for having to take care of yourself when we should have been the ones to take care of you. I'm sorry for acting immaturely and more like a kid than an adult.

I'm sorry we didn't keep it together for you. I'm sorry that we didn't respect your other parent enough to maintain an intact family for you to grow up in. I'm sorry for the ways and times I didn't listen to you when you had something on your heart to tell me. I'm sorry I didn't show up when I said I would. I'm sorry I forgot you at school. I'm sorry I left you unsupervised and allowed you to face temptations you weren't ready to handle yet. I'm sorry I didn't always follow the standards I told you to follow. I'm sorry we demanded respect while we acted disrespectfully. I'm sorry we separated from your other parent. I'm sorry we divorced and you had to go between two houses and then got mad when you forgot stuff. I'm sorry we never married and I introduced you to a new parent and that caused you to feel confused.

I'm sorry I lied to you about where you came from. I'm sorry I didn't protect you and allowed you to be introduced to topics too young. I'm sorry I yelled when you spilled your drink. I know it was an accident. I'm sorry I was too busy to just give you a hug or tousle your hair. I'm sorry I didn't even notice when you needed a hug or that time you were crying alone in your room. I'm sorry we didn't maintain our authority and position as your parents and let you make decisions you weren't able to take on yet.

I'm sorry for losing my temper, for calling you names. I'm sorry you were left alone. I'm sorry I scared you.  I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me the most. I am sorry that we failed you. Big time. There is no excuse. I want you to know though, that it wasn't your fault. It was mine. It was ours. We failed you. We were supposed to protect you and provide for you and we didn't.

It wasn't your fault. Do you hear me? It wasn't. You were a kid. You were meant to behave like a kid and we were supposed to be an example of responsible adult behavior. I want you to know that you don't need to carry around that guilt any more. It wasn't your fault we never married your other parent, or separated or even divorced from them. None of that was ever really about you. It was about us. It was our own selfishness. We are sorry for bringing you into our problems. We should have exhibited more self control. We should have shown more love. We should have taught you how to work out problems instead of running away from them.  You deserved more respect from us. You deserved to be loved and accepted. We are sorry you felt rejected. You deserve to be taken care of as a child. We should have pursued more of a relationship with you. It was selfish of us to expect you to chase after us. It was selfish of us to blame your other parent.

You are worthy to be loved. You need to know that. You are not destined to fail or to repeat our failures. You have your own path to walk. You need to know that God has a greater path ahead for you. A path that is not bound to our mistakes. You can release the anger toward us. We deserve it. We want you to know, though, that it was not meant to be your burden to carry. We are sorry for putting our own burdens on you to carry.

You are destined for greatness, not mediocrity. You are meant to soar and succeed. Your dreams are not stupid. They are amazing. You are amazing. You were not a mistake or an accident. You were meant to be born. There is a great plan and destiny for your life. I want you to be free to follow it, to live it. You are smart. You have talents and gifts that are uniquely yours. Don't be afraid to use them. Don't be afraid to let your light shine. You can go to school and do well. You can get good grades. You can paint or sing or dance or act. You can do research and find answers. You can read great books. You can learn new things. You can get a great job and excel at it. You can enjoy it. You are responsible and you can make good choices.

You will get a second chance. If we ruined your childhood--we want you to know you have a second chance. When you have your own kids. You are free to have fun, to laugh, to play ball, to roll around in the grass with them. You are free to enjoy their childhood and have fun all over again.

You do not need to behave like us. You do not have to be neglectful or selfish. You are free to love your own children. You are free to let them love you. You are free to cuddle and snuggle with them. You are free to tickle them, hug and kiss them. You are free to have family dinners around the table. You are free to listen to them. You are free to laugh at their silly jokes. You can smile when they spill their drink accidentally. You don't have to yell.

You are free to love, honor and respect your spouse too, their parent. You don't have to repeat our bad behaviors. You are free to be faithful and loving. You are free to love. You will be a great parent and a great spouse. You will honor others. You will treat others respectfully. You will keep your word, your commitments, your vows. You will be trustworthy.

We want you to know that you really were a great kid. We hope you will forgive us and choose to be free. We want you to be everything you were destined to be. We want to see you succeed in spite of us. You were born to succeed. Don't give up. Please forgive us and be free.

Parenting Children through Prayer

Prayer is a huge focus in our home. We pray together regularly. We make decisions after praying. What if everyone prays and disagrees?

In our family, I recognize that my children have their own relationship with God. I trust that God speaks to them individually and respect their personal relationship with Christ.

Recently, we have been praying over big decisions that would affect all of us. We disagree over how to proceed or not, through this decision. My children believe they are hearing God say one thing to them and I believe God is telling me something different. They are bold in their faith and trust in God and His speaking to them.

I could play my 'parent card' and make the decision the way I think we should and ignore their input. I could but I chose not to handle it that way. My faith is in God and so I continue to trust Him. The way I have come to know God has changed too. I don't believe He is out to punish me, waiting for me to fail. If He is telling me something, in this case, and I choose to wait, I don't believe I will 'get in trouble'.

With this trust in God, I am able to wait and respect my children's faith in God. I play my 'parent card' by using this as an opportunity to further instruct them on how we should pray. I understand that we all have our own filters that we are hearing God through. We have our own desires and wants, needs and emotional attachments and investments weighing on this decision. With all things considered, I choose to teach my children to wait. Pray and wait.

I instruct them that we will go again to God, in prayer for this month, over this specific decision. We will petition God for clarity. Also, if we believe God is telling us what we think we hear, then we will behave like it. We will declare, in faith, that our prayers are already answered. We will show thanks in advance by being good stewards of what we have. This is how we fight for what we want. We will not be afraid to ask for what we want and we will not be afraid to believe we have already attained it. We will also not be afraid to wait, to not move, until we are sure, that God says move.

I am not trying to train my children to only listen and/or obey me, but to listen and obey God, first and foremost. I have a wide range of ages here too. My oldest is already twenty, my middles will be thirteen and eleven next month. The four year old, well, he just follows along. I teach them according to their age and level of maturity. I strive to respect them not only as individual human beings, but as fellow followers of Christ. 

Ever get that feeling...

like everything is moving, suddenly, but you aren't sure exactly what direction it's all going in...but it feels exciting. You embrace the change, full of anticipation for whatever the future holds.

Then.It.Just.Stops!

You're back to wondering what is going on? It feels like you're in a freeze frame of slow motion except everything around you, maybe, is still moving at a lightning speed? Maybe I'm in Dorothy's house, while the tornado of the world is outside my window, spinning madly around me. Yah. Maybe that is what is happening.

I am not sure where I am going to land. Or, at this point, if I ever will.

Maybe it's because I recently had my birthday. (which was fabulous, by the way) Or maybe not. Maybe it's because birthdays force us to think of our births...and the woman responsible for my birth is not here. The woman I originated from, of whom I am practically a twin of--no longer exists on this earth.

In a few days, it will be Mother's Day. Another reminder of who I thought I was, a mother, but realize, is only one aspect of who I am. Also a reminder of what I am missing. Mother's Day is the most crowded day at the cemetery. I try to avoid going, if possible. I couldn't be a mother if it weren't for my kids. I am blessed to have them. I wouldn't be a mother if it weren't for my husband either. For whatever that is worth--even if only to me.

On the other side of my birth...is the paternity of it all. A sudden surprise, bigger than the party they threw me?...a man I can remember meeting when I was nineteen...or maybe twenty. I know I was already married, though my husband was not there when we met. I don't remember where he was, but I wish he would have been there. I really wish he had been there. Oldest was a newborn.

I met him but I don't remember saying much, if anything. He and my mother spoke to each other, while I stood there awkwardly, silent, like a little girl trapped in my grown body. They spoke of me, of my existence, of my coming into being, into their lives, though I was standing right next to them...once again invisible.

I couldn't really tell you what he looked like. I knew he was fair skinned, like me. Eyes. Where my blue eyes came from? He held my son, for a dance. That was it. I never expected or imagined anything beyond that.

But here we are. Surprise! I'm not the little girl I was when he first met or left me. I am not nineteen or twenty...the age of my mom, when he left her? The age he was when I was born?

I just turned forty. I've had a dad all my life. In my life. I am his daughter.

But he wants to call me his daughter, when we meet...again. Again, my husband isn't here. That's strange isn't it? I wonder why this is, that he isn't here for this. I really wish he was here, this time.

I know what he looks like now. In this cyber-age of technology, I can click on his picture whenever I want. It doesn't tell me much though. Not really. I'm not even sure of what I want to know. Can you really express forty years of a life-time in an email? Is it even worth the effort at this point?

I want to believe it's worth everything. Maybe if we just start now. Working forward and not backward. I do not know. I don't have any great answers. I don't even have great questions anymore.

I think the house I'm in, that was spinning through the air, just landed.
I think, maybe, the journey home, starts now.

Everything IS ok.

Pro 16:9 In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.

GOD has it under control. Do NOT be dismayed by the actions of men. Adam and Eve had a plan to run and hide. Jonah had a plan to run away. Paul had a plan to murder Christians.

BUT God has a plan that is for your good. He had a plan for them too and He accomplished that divine plan. Do not be afraid. Do not be surprised when things and situations appear to be opposite of what you have heard God tell you and show you.

Hold your position...in faith. Do not neglect your armor and your weapons of warfare. You know the truths--you know this battle is not against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities. Use your weapons, the spiritual gifts God has given you. He has not given you a spirit of fear. Be strong and courageous. NO weapon that is fashioned against you will stand. He is FOR you, therefore NONE can stand against you. The God of Angel Armies IS on your side.

I know the wounds that run deep. Seek to forgive. Cast it ALL on Christ to take to the cross. As deep as the wounds run, so deeply does the power of the blood HEAL. DO NOT STOP PRAYING.

It's STILL the season of Restoration

Do NOT be discouraged. Crazy stuff (the good kind of crazy) is happening all around. God IS lining it all up, beyond your imagination. HOLD tight to ALL those prophetic words, personal promises, scriptures etc that God has spoken to you. Hold them close to your heart.

I could make a LONG list of 'restoration' events and situations that have happen to me recently and this past year. Each time I am SO amazed. GIVE thanks. BE ready. In season and out. We TRULY have NO idea just HOW freaking CRAZY God is. And the CRAZY Love He has for us.

He KNOWS the desires of your HEART. NOT just what you are praying for--but the deep, true, desires you have...even if you aren't praying them--even when your prayers contradict--even when you have no idea you desire it--HE knows. And that is what He is working to accomplish.

Be OPEN to receive ALL that God has for you. He is UNlimited! Don't limit Him to your own ideas and imaginations of how your life, marriage, family, job etc will be. He WILL do above and beyond what you can possibly imagine. He desires WHOLENESS for you, for your {future} spouse, for your family--ALL your family. 

"Restoration" is for EVERY aspect of your life! He wants it ALL! Surrender to Him. Let go of the fear. He wants the BEST for you.

Be strong & courageous. Do NOT give up. Surrender to the *process*. ♥ ♥ ♥

Happy Saturday!

You can Forgive and Forget

Yesterday, I remembered an offense that had been perpetrated against me, by someone very close to me. I had completely forgotten about it. I don't know what even triggered the memory. I felt nothing about it. No emotional response whatsoever.

There was no sting, pain or even disappointment. I truly felt
nothing. I can't even remember what the offense was even now, while I am writing. It has become so insignificant, that it takes up no space in my memory.

When you choose to forgive and allow God to do the work within your heart, He really does. Just as He blots out our transgressions from His own memory, He has the power to remove from our memory, transgressions against us, as well.

That is real freedom.

Tuesday on Set

Yesterday was crazy on set...today was more low key though there were more people here...that I know personally too. Yesterday there were homeless people--I mean actual homeless people to play homeless people in a church/mission scene.

One was a transvestite and he exposed his breast to me and threw off his wig in a fit...it was interesting to me that I could immediately tell he was reacting to an incident, internalizing and taking the situation completely personal when it was completely NOT personal--not about him at all.

I could see that he had been hurt in life...before he confirmed it I knew; prostitution, drug use...a very abused and hurt individual...a life led by addictions, alcohol, lack of identity, exploitation and self abuse...very sad. So what to do?

I believe a few years ago..or maybe just any other day I would have just stayed there to myself with my friend, conversing and ignored him completely. But for some reason, I did not feel socially afraid of him in any way and did not feel like I wanted or needed to ignore him.

So since he was still getting upset...I turned to him and simply acknowledged his pain. Then I bent down a bit to look in his eyes and put my hand on his big gnarly man hand with the long red painted fingernails and began to speak to him.

"It sounds like you have been very hurt. You are right, you are here for a purpose and God does love you." I continued, "Whatever happened inside there, is between those people and God. They are going to answer for that.  But we, are going to just let it go and forgive...and be free," I took a deep breathe, indicating and encouraging that he do the same.

I spoke softly, encouraging him to quiet down and knowing he was hungry continued, "You're going to get some food, let's just quiet down and everything is going to be ok. We are going to be free and forgive. Just take a deep breath and simply let go, release and forgive."

He did calm down...he was pretty teary eyed by then. "Thank You," he said.

I feel like the instinct is to think I did something great for this man--went out of my comfortable bubble and 'oh look at me a member of the great white hope, reaching out!' But really--*I* certainly don't think that at all. I don't feel special and I don't even think *I* did anything special at all. My eyes were opened to recognize a hurting individual, a human being...who carries his baggage right there with him at all times...mainly in the form of artificial feminine breasts that are permanently attached to his chest. 

He had two bullet wound scars on his right arm...beside a long scar running the length of the inside of his forearm...I think 'track mark' scars on the inside of both elbows, a bypass surgery scar over his heart, long scars along his neck and across his left forearm...and he was missing some teeth.

He also wore a hospital identification bracelet but it didn't look new.

I think it all seemed so obvious to me because...because...I don't know exactly...because of my own life and the need for forgiveness? Being able to recognize when another person over reacts--compassion is stirred if you are aware. If you understand the need for forgiveness and the freedom it carries when you do. His name was Ericka but I think his birth name was Tony.

He finally left after being told to be quiet for the last time.

"I am leaving! I AM a star and what you people are doing in there is WRONG! I am going to make my own tape and then you will see!" He said to the assistant that told him to be quiet.

He came back later when he realized he forgot his blanket. Then he walked around to the back of the building to ask for one of the producers, to get him and his friends some food. He had left before lunch.

Later we realized someone stole my four year old's ice cream $$$ from my bag...but we all had our lap tops and Iphones out in the dressing room so I figured that was a small price to pay for nothing else of higher value, being stolen. A costumer's atm card and the make-up girl's credit card were stolen...but not cash from their wallets or other cards...interesting.

I thought it was a good day over all.

Sometimes you have to run Alone

I did a 10k this morning, I used to run regularly but haven't since last year...just walking. I'm out of "run" shape but NOT out of heart. I went to the race alone. No cheering squad and no one waiting for me at the finish line.

I had to walk...a lot. I couldn't run the whole thing. Naturally, I've got nothing but my thoughts...and time. I was sad to know there wouldn't be anyone waiting for me at the end. There was no one personally cheering me on.

I was running this race anyway. It was a fluke actually...unexpected. Someone just gave me the race entry the other day--I was unprepared but chose to do it.

You know--this pretty much sums up my life right now. Maybe yours too? We didn't PLAN to run this race we're in. We're running it alone. But guess what...you, we, can run it alone. There's still a finish line. Maybe, most of us were out of shape too---out of spiritual shape, out of life shape and completely UNPREPARED for what this race entailed.

But guess, what? You are going to finish. No matter what...the path you're on HAS a finish line! It's ok if you are running it alone right now. I KNOW you don't want to be alone...you want that cheering squad and we ALL want someone special waiting for us at the end of the finish line too.

STAY in the race! Because we/you are IN it. You're running it right now so DON'T say 'you can't' because YOU ARE! Keeping pushing forward. If you keep pushing forward it will be impossible to NOT get to that finish line!

It's ok that you were unprepared...God has prepared you along the way and the longer you are in the race...the farther you are from the starting point...and closer to the end! Some people will be faster and more ahead of you...and some people will be slower and behind you. Press forward and encourage those behind you.

STAY in the race!!!
*I* will cheer you on! ♥