Happy NEW Year!

The year started out full of hope and promise.  I am certain this year will be filled with many new adventures and opportunities-CRASH-! What the...???

We were on our way home from lounging around @ my Mother-in-Law's home.  I was driving the 'adventure-van' and Big E was behind me in the newly gifted 1994 Sentra.  We were pleasantly surprised to receive this fixer upper 'run-around'.  It needed quite a bit of work but appeared nothing a lot of time and grunt work and a bit of $$$ couldn't repair. Right?  He was excited to be able to show his mom how he had gotten it running.  It was such a relief.  No more trying to juggle violin lessons, tutoring appointments with his auditions, work and shows. Whew!

Then--the CRASH!

I arrived home before him, wondered where he was.  Oldest ds suggested he had probably stopped to rent a movie. He was right.  DH called--I was sure it was to ask my opinion on his selection--instead it was to tell me there had been an accident & to bring the van to come and get them. YOU ARE LYING! My raised voice automatically responded tensely.  I thought for sure he was joking around.  He wasn't. My thoughts are racing but I still am not sure if he is trying to joke with me, he must be right? Bring the van? that means the car isn't driveable--how bad is it? ARE YOU OK? The kids are fine, just bring the van. OK!

I rush out of the house and in a split second decision decide to have oldest ds go w/ me and bring the baby instead of leaving them there. It's right down the street and the red light would not change fast enough.  I am praying all the way thta no one is actually hurt. Maybe dh just *Said* everyone was ok so that i would not worry on my way. You know how husbands can be.  I see flashing lights and my heart drops.  My babies!!! What if it IS bad. I pray harder.

I pull up--I see them all standing on the corner. Thank GOD! No one is in an ambulance or anything. The car is trashed. I run across the street & grab my babies & they begin bawling. All I can do is hug and kiss them and tell them it's ok, crying is a stress release and they are ok now.  Praise Jesus for his angels watching over my babes. deep breathe.

My husband looks a little bewildered still.  Police keep asking questions, ask him if he has been drinking, do that little eye test to be sure.  I just can't believe this has happened.

Now it's day by day of physical therapy, doctor appointments, phone calls--OH the phone calls! How many people from each insurance are really going to call? Can't they just email each other the report? {eye roll}

Oh! What actually *happened* you ask? Well, dh was driving in one direction.  A guy in a Honda S2000 was driving towards him in the opposite direction and decided to make a left turn *into* DH.  No one was 'seriously' injured but I wonder what type of long lasting affects this has on a body.  WHen your back is tweaked--ouch!


We're back to 'juggling' appointments.  My muscles are so tense from the stress of it all I feel like *I* have been in an accident.  I still believe in you 2010! lol ;-D

Christmas in Review

By the Numbers:

7 unexpected visits bearing gifts and/or food

6 people in our holiday pix this year

5 dollar last minute gifts

4 turkeys

3 pix with Santa

2 sides of the family

1 pre-holiday melt down

0 freezer space
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Another Christmas has come and gone. It was great. It was not so great. One thing that was the same was God's faithful provision. I don't know why I worry. We had many, many, unexpected visitors this year providing full holiday meals for us. Yes, we ended up w/ 4 turkeys! We only kept one. I simply didn't have the space. It was good though cause I was able to bless others and we hosted our first Christmas day dinner.

My ktbunch received more gifts and toys than they know what to do with. The generosity of others was over whelming. Some were complete strangers. It was a joy to have Baby K included in our festivities this year too. With the showers of blessings we received--what could be 'not-so-great'?

The underlying but obvious fact of missing my Father-in-law's presence this year. For me personally, it was only reminiscent of the year I loss my own mom--so not as deeply felt directly. More so felt and experienced indirectly. It was dramatically different.

DH and the kiddos gifted me with an Ipod Shuffle this Christmas. I never would have gotten it for myself. I never would have expected I'd like it so much either. It's tiny and pink & absolutely perfect and quite motivating to get myself up in the morning to take a walk or run. I totally LOVE it.

I thank God this Christmas for the generosity of others, especially my church friends--that are really family.

DH & I hosted our first Christmas day dinner. It was nice, even though everyone was over an hour late...{sigh} Once everyone arrived, it was good times filled with laughter and joking around.

A few times this season, we braved the chilly night weather to go Christmas light looking in our neighborhood. A favorite tradition of mine. We got lots of use out of our crochet beanies, scarves and fingerless gloves! We enjoyed many hot cups of cocoa and tea, children's Christmas television specials, home baked cookies and minimal decorations. We had a big, fabulous tree for only $25 bucks!

I rediscovered ScrapBlog and produced a Christmas Season one. I LOVE how it turned out. I ordered my first photobook from it. (slightly different from what you can view below). I'll update with a review when it arrives. I hope you enjoy it. :-) (best viewed on full screen)

Big News!

Breakthrough!

I can hardly believe it myself but...DH agent always sends him out to SAG (Screen Actors Guild aka: actors mafia union) auditions, even though he is not a SAG member...

Well, this time it was worth it! He booked a Wells Fargo SAG commercial. It's called Taft-Hartley (you can google it--good luck!) when you are not a SAG member & they use you--but he will now be able to become a SAG member. This is a HUGE step & praise report.

This will open the doors for him to now get a 'theatrical' agent, which is an agent for tv & film. His current agent is only a 'commercial' agent. SAG can have a higher pay scale plus residuals. This commercial is in English too, which will be more exposure. This will also create more opportunity to actually DO tv and film gigs.

He got the call while we were at church. It was so exciting. It was a little bittersweet for him because he was unable to share it with his dad. { :( } Towards the end I was able to share our PRAISE report with our congregation, then our pastor and his wife (who is also an actress) prayed over us. It was so neat to be able to share this awesome news, as it happened, with our church family.

Living the Dream, living the Dream! SQUEeeeeeee!!!

In other news...

Happy Thanksgiving!

I know--that was last week, right? It was the first major holiday since my Father in Law died. ugh. I was not looking forward to what was sure to be an emotionally draining day. More draining than emotional for me, personally. This isn't even addressing *my own* extended family drama that I have purposely avoided writing about this past year, either!

Everyone had decided to celebrate Thanksgiving at my Mother in law's house this year. Normally Thanksgiving is not an extended family event on my husband's side. This year it was though. No one wanted MIL to have to be alone. That was thoughtful.

We get there and I don't remember why but I was really tired which was making me cranky. We were all hungry because we were supposed to have been eating our Thanksgiving meal already but we had to wait for LATE family members. Not too fun to skip a meal and extend hunger for hours. I was napping in my SIL room when my middle-not-so-little burst in to tell me some 'news'.

I JUMPED up and ran to the living room! WHAT!?!?!?!

After my initial inward jealousy---I was SO excited to hear. The entire atmosphere suddenly changed in the house. Instead of an unverbalized but noticeable feelings of sorrow and emptiness there was overwhelming JOY & excitement. WHAT? (I think I screamed!) Positive energy filled the house with laughter and happiness.

What could overshadow the loss? What could possibly replace the overwhelming feeling of 'something missing'?

TWINS!!!!!!!

My husband's sister is having TWINS!!!!

Is there anything more refreshing, more symbolic of Hope, than the anticipation of new life? Just as God sent his own son, the Hope of the world, symbolized in the birth of a baby, a fresh new life that would conquer death. So this wonderful news, given on Thanksgiving day, represents a new Hope. For a family still in mourning, still experiencing deep grief, we have this wonderful gift--a double gift, to look forward to!

I am so unbelievably excited! I can't wait to find out their genders so I can begin to make sweet gifts, crocheted beanies and booties, soft sewed shoes, cuddly toys! SQUEEEE!!!! I'm THRILLED!

Happy Birthday mom.

Somewhat melancholy but it was ok. 

This morning we went to the beach for regular Saturday morning beach volleyball.  We haven't been for awhile. I walked w/ the babe and enjoyed the gorgeous weather.  It was breezy but not too chilly.  We followed the paved trail a ways then back tracked along the shore line. It's easy to push a stroller along the water's edge and I thought baby would like the change of scenery.  He fell asleep. I had a nice long conversation w/ God. Well, I tried to anyway but one of us was quite wordy and the other couldn't get much of  a word in edge wise. I think He got his point across though cause I found myself asking for forgiveness for quite a few things.

Later we did some not-Spring cleaning to get ready for Christmas, make room for our hope-we-get-a-tree.  Dh barBq'd and few friends and family came over. We hung out in the back yard and had a bonfire going. It was a nice night for that, clear and cool.

I am so blessed to live in such a great area with a wonderful climate. Being at the beach in the morning was way too nice.  I am so blessed that God chose me to be born in CA. It sounds funny but I am so serious. 

I rearranged my living room a bit, in prepration for Christmas.   This required taking a lot of the books and items off the bookshelves. In doing so, many forgotten books literally jumped out at me. 

One is: Hundred Dollar Holiday, The Case for a More Joyful Christmas.  I highly recommend it. I never finished it when I got it but I understood the gist of it in the first few pages.  I'm reading it again now.  It confirms and affirms how I feel about 'stuff' in general and is encouraging when faced with the temptations of all that is glittery, especially during this season of high consumerism.`

I forgot to mention...

I {fiiiiiinalyyyyy} finished and submitted my application to return to school.  University, here I come. I hope.  Only took me 1.5 months of procrastinating to accomplish it.  It's out of my hands now. 

When I actually finished the online app--I was suddenly gripped with fear.  What if this is a mistake?  What if I really don't have time?  What if it's the wrong major? what if, what if, what if?  I felt SO nervous I could not hit that submit button.  I went to bed instead--to sleep on it. 

I was up early the next morning.  I immediately got online and clicked submit before I had time to talk myself out of it.  It was rather anti-climactic, actually.  I didn't feel any different really.  Maybe I will next Fall.....

I keep asking myself: WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

I don't pretend to buy into a 'having it all' mentality. I don't believe it's possible.  So how will I do this? I'm not sure myself.  Maybe it will only be 2 classes at a time?  I do know it won't be without God. I know I felt confident in the plan He gave me so I am sticking to it.  Yes, I agree, it sounds crazy.

I have to keep reminding myself that my life has changed.  I have changed--I think.  It's not a bad life and it's not bad to change.  I don't know how exactly I'll get to the end of the big picture, the final destination, which is a clear vision God has given me.  I'll leave those fine details to Him.

I will continue to strive towards it, since He has shown me the big picture....at least for now.  I can't be afraid of making a mistake.  Fear is immobilizing.  I can get so afraid of making the wrong choice that I make no choice.  Not moving is not an option.  You have to move in this life.  Hopefully forward.  If you end up moving back a few paces, that is ok too.

No fear!

Close to hitting bottom...

Last night our car was impounded. (which is a nicer way of saying repossessed, it is what it is) Besides humiliating, it is quite a freaky feeling. One minute we are relaxing at home, DH was eating some ice cream then *suddenly* he realized our car was not out front. Freeeeeaky!

They had a right to take it, of course. No denying that. I just can't believe it has come to that. My emotional response felt very PTSD-ish! My chest got tight, hard to breathe, shock, numbness & finally tears from deep within myself that I could not control or stop. Eventually, I even cried myself to sleep later too.

It's not about the car--it's a hunk of junk, that we will try to get back, somehow. It's the fact that it came to this. DH actually did 2 great jobs (commercials) last month but for some reason (unusual) he has not been paid on them yet. (that's a whole other blog) I kept hoping (& praying) he would get paid in time to catch the van up to date...but it hasn't happened yet.

I can live with out a car. That's no big deal. The good thing is, the life that we lead, we often *choose* to walk to run errands. We live within walking distance of most places we go to like the park and library, post office and grocery store, even our church. My children will not notice much of a difference really.

It will be a bit inconvenient when DH has his shows or auditions. Most of our extended families have extra cars (1 to 1 ratio) to help us when needed...so far. Hopefully it will not last too long.

Really though, it's just so NOT about that. It's so embarrassing and humiliating. Having to explain...kwim? Being how old and experiencing this? I am too old for this. Shouldn't we have established careers by now?

It's not even that this happened....it's everything that led up to this happening that really haunts me. Unresolved issues. Open wounds that run deep...

I even tried not to, but I just *can't* seem to shake still having *hope*.
;-)

I figure we'll have quite a rags to riches story.....someday.

Bad Mommy Moment #542 & 543

I was @ the library the other day, feeling very good mommyish. I had to change baby while there and when I put him back in his stroller, although my lovely Birdy reminded me, I did not buckle him into his seat, like I normally do. I figured I was going to take him right back out when I returned to our table.  As I reentered the library, I was craftily distracted by the Friends of the Library, books for sale. They had a rolling cart filled with irresistable Christmas craft books.  I perused the cheaply priced books to see if there was one I just *had* to have that would warrant spending the $1 I had found on our walk there.

Suddenly Birdy says MOM! and I had to gasp as I look down and see my sweet baby entangled in the straps of his stroller. He had flipped himself completely over (from a sitting position) onto his stomach, his feet hanging out the front of the stroller! Of course I quickly glanced around to see if anyone had taken note of my 'bad mommy moment'. Whew!

Then I had placed him on my bed to change his clothes. His head was toward the middle of the bed, with his feet facing the edge.  My room is very small so I literally only needed to turn slightly to grab a pair of pants for him. Faster than I can type this, I turned back around & his head was at the end of the bed along with his whole body, ready to take a nose dive any second!! Baby K!!!! What was he thinking? Goodness. I hadn't even stepped away from the bed. That little baby is quick, I tell ya.

I have a feeling K might keep his angels (and this momma) on their toes...

Who knew football could be *Cute*?

Tonight we went to a football game.  A highschool football game. My Dh highschool football game.  It was their 20 year championship football team reunion. Not a highschool reunion, but a reunion for the football team that won back to back CIF championships.  It was so CUTE!

They met pre-game in the teacher's lounge.  The old coaches were there.  They had food and snacks, football balloons and old friends. They gave each player a goody bag w/ a complimentary program of the evening, a tshirt w/ the original championship design and a dvd copy of the winning game from 20 years ago.  During the game they were able to be out on the field and were escorted and introduced during half time.

Afterward, we met up @ a resaurant.  DH wore his highschool letterman jacket. It still fit. A bit tighter than 20 years ago but he could snap it up. It was cute to see him so excited.  It was fun to watch the game...even if the team is NOT so good this year.

We saw some people from church supporting their student. I LOVE how I can be out & about & run into people from church. *That* is 'community'.

It's also interesting to note that normally, in our 'circle' we have the oldest child. Around all these football players, our oldest was one of the youngers....many players had 18-19 year old kids. Public school results? We'll never know...

Healing

Oldest DS has been experiencing pain in various muscles and especially one of his shoulders. That shoulder is *very* visibly lower than the other.(by @ least an inch or more) A few nights ago, we decided to lay hands on him & pray. It was Birdy and myself. We prayed for healing, no more pain etc. After the first prayer, he said the pain was noticeably less. We prayed again & again he said he was feeling better & he asked for us to pray specifically for his elbows and joints. We prayed again. Also after each prayer we kept checking the balance of his shoulders. We noticed his chest muscles were also obviously different sizes. We layed hands on his chest & continued praying for healing, no pain, straight spine, symmetry, strong muscles etc etc etc.



Afterward, his shoulders were VERY visibly equal, if anything only a centimeter difference. To make sure we weren't imagining it, he even went in the bathroom to look in the mirror to confirm for himself. He came back & agreed. (& we checked again to make triple sure) He said when we prayed the last time that he felt his arm/shoulder physically move up. We did not have our hands on his shoulder or arm @ all either!!!

I don't know why I doubt but I kept asking him how it felt for the next few days afterward. I think God allowed the healing to NOT happen instantaneously after the first prayer, in oder to allow our faith to grow and as it did, more healing took place. Either way, pretty cool if you ask me!!!