Practiced Silence

 I feel like I've been fighting against silence my entire life.

When an older boy invited a few of us 1st grade girls to sit on his lap on the swing and then put his fingers in our underwear--I pretended to fall off of him, without a word. I told my mom...and I think another little friend who said he did the same thing to her. I think we told a few other girls to stay away from him. Our teacher told us not to tell anyone else because then those people would tell others and eventually so many people would know. My mom told the authorities at the school immediately and I *think* I remember having to repeat it to police? But I could be remembering wrong. The boy had to leave the school.

Later, I was told my dad was not my biological dad. I did not realize what it really meant for my heart and soul. That is when the lies of my heart and fragmenting of my identity began because from that moment on--I was NOT who I SAID I was. I thought I was 'brown' but I wasn't. When I was a teen, I wanted more information and my mom refuse to tell me anything. She said she was not ready. Again, silence. I was forced to carry the burden of her secret and that was unfair.

Between there somewhere, I was getting groped by a close member of the family. I don't remember when it started but I had decided I had to take care of myself. I handled it, in silence. Unfortunately, as a kid, I would sometimes forget again, and there he was. Always ready for me to forget and walk by too close. 

It all came out when I started triggering with a boy friend in high school. I was fine the entire summer we spent making out. I broke the silence but...it accomplished nothing. He was allowed back in our family's life. An even closer family member, swears he molested his daughter. I was told she admitted it. But so? Nothing changed except if he was around, we all acted as if he wasn't. We blocked him out in silence...until he just faded away. He's still here. He even spent years coaching girls sports. Everyone practiced the silence now. For who's benefit? At what cost? 

I verbally fought with my mom a lot in high school. I felt this rage inside--I think it was the silence trying to escape--fighting for a way out. I was never known for 'being quiet'. I was sassy as heck. Always my 'mouth' that 'got me in trouble.' But so many words I wasn't allowed to express. 'Why didn't you protect me?' came out as 'I HATE YOU!'

Let me not forget the moment I was told a female can not be a pastor. Because the Bible says. That's the verdict. No debate, no question. Women are not allowed to speak...in the church. 
But the marriage. The marriage provided the strongest silencing influence. There are still events I have never shared aloud and I don't know if I ever will...or can. But mostly, my voice is returning. It's not raging anymore. It's controlled and assertive, or written...mostly.

He's back.

It's a PRAISE report right?

I knew he was headed in this direction...but there was still that tug of war within him.
For my own sanity & emotional health I HAD to cut off ALL contact w/ him last Saturday.

He was still talking/communicating w/ her and I made it clear I was NOT gonna 'share'.
I had to show some self-respect for myself & draw the line.

He called a few times over the weekend & I had the ktbunch answer & talk to him. He asked to speak to me but I refused. It was NOT easy.

Today...he called again this morning, I did the same thing. He TM me 4x, one asking me to go out w/ him on Saturday. I ignored them.

Then he called again & specefically asked for ME. I was gonna hang up on him, again....but I took the call.

He's sorry, he's concerned for his soul. {I'll accept that as a very valid concern}
I'll spare you the extraneous details....he's agrees individual & marital counseling is in order----for starters.

The real work now begins...but work is much easier to tolerate when you are all on the same team. ;-)

I am filled w/ mixed feelings of relief & trepidation, naturally.
But they are different feelings & require me to continue to fully rely on God, as I have been.
Trust is no easy thing to regain after something like this---but as before, my trust is in God.
I won't play detective or PI.
I refuse.
It's on the honor system---think what you will.


Now prayers are coveted for healing & full restoration...for our entire family not just he & I.

How do I feel?

My body wracks & heaves

Is it possible to vomit up a lung

My chest aches

I imagine any minute now my heart will burst out of my chest

I am doubled over in unimaginable pain

Pain I can't really feel but it is there

Tears flow freely as the screams & cries of sorrow are silent

Does God hear me?

Does He know how I feel?

Does He know how much my SOUL aches

I think I am going to die from sorrow.

How much can a human soul really take

I pray & scream & cry out

I am begging

I can't get any lower

please make it stop

GOD!

I imagine He must know

but why then does He allow this to continue

For what purpose

I imagine He feels what I feel

How can He take it

How can anyone ever go through this

How did they survive

Am I the only weak one

Will this kill me

what can I do

Is there a way to stop it

I think not

Can I disappear

Depths of pain and sorrow

run deep

deeper than I've ever known

Release me

another night I cry myself to sleep

Charlotte Died

"It is not often someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both." -E.B. White, from Charlotte's Web

We've been reading a chapter of Charlottes Web every night or every few days. Last night, she died. I thought it was quite fitting as today is the anniversary of my mom's death last year. I couldn't help but cry, for Charlotte, for mom, for me, for Wilbur, for Dh, for my littles, for all that is NOT right w/ my world @ this moment.

S just kept looking @ me w/ a sad face, maybe a little worried, unsure whether he should cry or not too. He asked me what was wrong. I told him I'm sad because Charlotte was dying & she was a very good friend to Wilbur....and it reminds me of grandma dying. He then said: oh, ok.

Charlotte died all alone. I am glad my mother didn't.
We went to the cemetary w/ my brothers...(my dad was busy w/ some personal drama that I don't have time or energy to care about) We released some balloons & brought flowers & ate lunch. The spot is all finished now. The waterfall & wall are completed. There are alot more trees & they have added a valley behind it. It was very hot & muggy. (due to dry weather & the fires & ash in the air)

E (dh) did not acknowledge the day. No surprise right? I was a little selfishly disappointed that I did not hear from my in-laws either. But whatever. I know where thier loyalties lie & it's not w/ the 'truthful person' here. I'm sure they did not even remember & I know E did not tell them...if he even remembered either.

Last night, as I prayed w/ my ktbunch before bed, my 7yo S---prayed & asked for 'wisdom'. What does a 7yo need wisdom for? lol Lately he's been praying for 'guardian angels over mommy & daddy'. Where does he get this stuff? lol

I guess from me right? lol

My race is Sunday & I have NOT ran in 2.5 weeks. :-(

What's a girl to do?

When her life's falling apart?
When she's faced w/ unwanted changes?
When the future is so uncertain?

REDECORATE of course! ;-)

I'm repainting my bedroom---it's taking much longer than expected OR necessary.

My painting was interupted Monday when the bathroom sink was about to fall out of the wall. The pipes had been leaking & it got so bad it was rotting the cabinet. The cabinet, being so water damaged, could no longer support the sink, it was being supported solely by the pipes.

SIL & I (aka: Laverne & Shirley) installed a new cabinet (which came w/ a sink, I didn't know that) & pipes ourselves. Voila! Since the new sink & cabinet look so nice...I figured I HAVE to also paint the bathroom too right? We will do that on Saturday....I chose a brownISH color & will trim in light blue---I told DS it will be 'boyish' that way---don't tell him it will look like a 'Tiffany' bathroom, ok? I also got new peel & stick linoleum to apply over the old stuff. SIL said it's a nice but cheap way to spiffy it up.

I've got my walls done in my bedroom AND my bed. I rushed on the bed...but I could only stand sleeping on the couch for so long. kwim? But now the living room is tidied & my room is still a disaster---so I kinda want to sleep back on the couch. lol AND maybe it's the idea of being in my BED, ALONE. (too much REALITY) sniff, sniff. I threw away my mattresses first thing, the day we came back. I wasted NO time.

I still need to paint the ceiling, doors & trim. {sigh}

Besides that stuff...I still have SO many things to do.

E was nice for a couple days---then he mood swang back to Dr. Jekyl... or is it Mr. Hyde? or Dr.Hyde? Anyway---you get the idea.

He's afraid of me apparently....hhhmmm? Afraid to be ALONE w/ me or around me. Why do you think that is? I have my OWN theory---afraid to face the TRUTH. I think I represent the truth---the truth of his unjustifiable behavior & the truth that he CAN FIX this but he absolutely refuses.

It's hard not to take it 'personal'. kwim? He called ME & had this nice conversation, he was pleasant. I didn't even say much or encourage it...the very next day....BAM! He's back to behaving like a jerk & refuses to be around me (for the kids) or to even communicate w/ me.

The really funny thing is...what does he think I'm gonna do? I am not nagging him to change or get back w/ me or ANYthing like that.

HHmmm...& he doesn't believe he's bipolar? WHATever!!!

Oh & another funny thing....after a couple of my UNexpected visits & confrontations w/ a woman who shall remain nameless and SHAMELESS, in MY home----he installed all these new locks. ok. BUT the funny part is...he had left the living room windows OPEN all this time!!! ALL the locks in the world couldn't keep ME from climbing in an OPENED window! lololololol I thought that was HILARIOUS!

Too much!

So much has been happening.
So much HAS happened.
You might not even believe me if I told you.

Too much to really go over...maybe sometime or someday.

The littles are w/ their dad this weekend, until Sunday @ 5pm, in OUR home.
We will be moving BACK into our HOME on Monday afternoon w/ no promise of financial provision whatsoever---I'm taking QUITE a leap of faith.

We've still got almost 2 months until the actual hearing, Nov. 30 & mediation was rescheduled to Nov. 29.

I don't know how much longer I can last through all of this.

I am EXTREMELY ANGRY right now.
I cannot even express how ANGRY I am but if you read this....pray w/o ceasing for me.

I KNOW God is WITH me.
I KNOW I have the Holy Spirit within me.

I am STILL extremely ANGRY!

I cried all night---I cried myself to sleep & I woke up crying.

Happy Anniversary!

Yep 15 years today.

The tears started last night..

He didn't know but I was planning, w/ my friend, to go to a cabin in the mountains, she was going to let me/us use their time-share---we took our honey moon in the mountains. I was going to make it extra special, being the big 15 and all.

I think of last year's, we went to D-land, had a reservation to eat @ Pirates of the Caribbean...*I* had a nice time, they gave us buttons w/ mickey & minnie on them that said Happy Anniversary...we got there late...we were arguing---about what? nothing worth remembering.

NOW I think--well, duh, what's the big deal, LAST YEARS anni was FAKE anyway---AND the one before that? FAKE too!

Talk to a person EVERY FREAKING DAY for the past 15 years & he can dismiss ME so easily? WHY am *I* so NEEDY all of a sudden?
WHY do *I* feel so DESPERATE?
It's ALL I can do NOT to call him for every single little thing. I practically make up excuses to TM him....I TM him today about doing our taxes & he kinda blows me off...says he "needs to check his schedule" will let me know after THURSDAY! WTH?

Yah, he's in NO rush cause he won't get ANY of it! (his half goes to his CS arrears for OC)
Wonder if it's because he needs to ask his attorney's permission first? kwim?

I WANT him!
I WANT to be married to HIM!
Is he so great looking? no.
Is he so nice? obviously not.
WHAT IS IT?
He's MY husband is what!
Even if HE didn't mean his vows...*I* DID!

He was fun.
He was funny.
He KNEW me.
HE knew me.
He knew ME!!!!!!!!!!
He was sweet.
He cried when our children were born.
He said they were so beautiful.
He said I was beautiful.
He said he always found me beautiful.
He knew I liked blueberry muffins.
He knew I liked oreo-cookie ice cream & cookie dough ice-cream.
He liked my long neck.
He knew how to tickle me & that I hated it.
We both knew how to laugh @ our families.
We could both make fun of people secretly & we knew what we were talking about.
We had fun taking the kids to the drive-in.
We had fun going to the drive-in alone.

I HATED him the first time....sincerely, I knew that was MY CHANCE to get away...but I decided to try it for the sake of lil E....& my heart CHANGED. I fell back in love w/ him so I know it is NOT impossible. I KNOW he could love me (if he truly doesn't, which I don't believe) again if he did the RIGHT thing here. Man...do I sound pathetic or what?

I don't even care. I have to write these things...what else do I have? I'm not faking, I'm being honest.

I'm not alone, I have my girls, IRL & online. I have my support if I need it. @ church, I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to say the truth--what's happening.

People ask me how I'm doing---I will tell them straight out---My life has fallen apart! How's your's? kwim? Well, unless I REALLY don't know them. lol

This sux. The first time...I hid away---didn't want anyone to know---maybe because I felt & believed I was partly responsible (I'll own that)---but THIS time....NO WAY! I KNOW I am NOT responsible for ANY part of this. I DID NOT create an environment of 'vulnerability' for my Dh, or anything like that. HE did this ALL on his own & he knows it!

What to do today? What to do?

Let's see:
go to a 'mandatory' parenting class @ the courthouse---lame
email E & tell him of my anni plans in a desperate attempt to make a heartless man feel guilty---lame
TM KK & thank her for being such a BIG part of my anniversary---lame
take lil E to an 'art' class---might be good for him
hole up in my room {that i share w/ my 2 littles & my nephews}---impossible
take a very long run in the morning---wouldn't be long enough
treat myself to a massge---not a very wise financial move
sit in the shower till the hot water runs out---possible but not long enough

Aaahhhh...choices, choices, decisions, decisions. :'(

Unless any of these actually lasted ALL day---none will fit the bill.

I am trapped here. I can't run away---it's all I really want to do which sux cause it ALWAYS works in the movies.

Contrary to my latest blogging habits...this isn't consuming me...we went to the nature center yesterday & I felt like a really good mom...but I just don't have my upload tool for my memory card to upload my pix so easily. lol But I'll post about it when I can.

Papers are filed!

I felt relieved once I filed...but I was back to being anxious when he was served. My brother served him, he said 'Thank You.'. lol

The mediation appointment is November 28, my mother's birthday. Our hearing date is that Friday, November 30th.

It is going to be a very long 2 months.

Deep breathe.

I took the ktbunch to Disneyland tonight. It was fun...will post pix as soon as I can get them uploaded...life goes on, one way or another.

I only filed for a Legal Separation, but he emailed & called it a 'dissolution of marriage' (divorce) so I don't know if he was truly confused or what. There is a HUGE difference between a separation & a divorce.

Just keep breathing....right?

I had a real breakdown the other day...I don't know how to do this, who would right?

So whatever, I locked myself in the bedroom, hoping to just go to sleep---for who knows how long. I was making a conscious decision to "be depressed". I had decided I would put just enough energy into filing the LS paperwork & that was IT! Well, I guess God has freed me from the depression cause I couldn't stay depressed. lol I did stay locked in the room & filled out & printed a gazillion pices of legal paperwork....

I went to the courts today to have the Family Law Facilitator look it all over...I was feeling pretty good & self confident. I just needed to go get my proof of income for my fee waiver application. Went back...Had to make a mediation appointment first, it's required.. blah blah blah...FIRST AVAILABLE appointment is not until November 28th!!!! TWO MONTHS AWAY! Our court date will be assigned sometime after that!!!

And the filing clerk---NOT so nice. They have to know that every single person coming in there is stressed. How do you not feel stressed in a 'court of law'? So I had NO idea I was supposed to staple all kinds of pieces of paper & hole punch each piece! Sorry!

AND either I missed it or something & didn't include my last 3 paycheck stubs...so the spousal & child support order requests could NOT be filed, therefore could not be served either. And she could not approve my fee waiver application, she had to send me upstairs to the judge. I had to hand my paperwork over to the bailiff. Another not-so-nice female, telling me I didn't completely fill it out, yet I followed the instructions exactly. I guess they really want MORE information than the instructions actually indicate. whatever!

I went back outside to fix it...couldn't even think straight. I finally broke down again. Let me also add that I had gone to the court house BEFORE 11 am...by now it was almost 4pm! Then she tells me I have to write EVERY single member of the household, even though it clearly states to write who depends on you for income & who you depend on for income. NO ONE else in this house is dependent on me but my kids??? SO that makes NO sense. THEN she's like, well then if you only make xxx how are you making it? Well, duh! I responded humbly: I'm NOT. That's the point. That's why I'm here. My husband just left me and I'm a SAHM. And she says: well the judge is going to want to know how you're making it. I respond, yah I'm not, this just happened. {sigh}

Well he approved it @ least. He checked the box 'partial' approval meaning I would have to pay something for certain services...but it wasn't any services I would need, like an interpreter.

SO---tomorrow I still have to go back, include my paycheck stubs...to prove why I need CS & alimony...& file & get a hearing date & THEN serve E. (well, have someone else serve him)

He's arguing w/ me about seeing the kids. Says I am just trying to hurt him. I am telling him he can see them w/ me present--he already knows this. Then he's bullying me & telling me that his aunt, w/ 30 years of legal experience is advising him & he's gonna get an immediate order, within a week & have the kids overnight. That's fine, he can do what he wants. The aunt thing kinda shakes my confidence a bit...because it's true, she does have experience, she is a paralegal.

Then he's telling me how his parents & especially his mom are realizing MY lies? I figured he was saying things to confuse them & turn them against me & you know what...YAH I'm really hurt by that. They have been my family for 15 years now & the fact that they would really believe I could be that way? I HAD to call SIL & give her the run down. I told her how hurt I was, she said she is confused. I had to explain to her how the legal system really works & that there is no restrainging order against him (that's what he told them). He is also telling them repeatedly that I am NOT allowing him to see the kids, again that I am just angry & trying to hurt him. He's so slick. I explain to her that that is simply not true. He has not asked to see the kids but once every few days lately & the last time was because S called him. I have never not allowed him to see them, my only stipulation is that they remain in my custody during their visits. I am always polite, out of the way & generous. Most times, initiating the visit before he even called. Only lately I have given up on that. He needs to put in that effort, not me.

Then I spoke w/ MIL. SHE is SO hurt by ME? How can I not let him see his kids????argh! I tried to explain to her that that was simply NOT true! It was a long conversation...I don't know if she really believed me or what. I am so disappointed & hurt.....it's like one betrayal after another. I am DEVASTATED & I am the one LOSING EVERYTHING!!!

This is so ridiculous.

I don't think I can really take 2-3 months of this. Seriously.

He doesn't want to change. He says our marraige was mostly fake. That he's always had "compassion" for me & knows I'm a "genuinely nice person" but he does not love me, hasn't for a long time, he was just 'faking it' & 'faked our vow renewal'. He says loves her, he wants to be w/ her or no one, he is going to try and get back w/ her & that he finally has the 'guts' to leave.

How can you honestly (I know there is no such thing as honesty coming from him anymore) say you love someone---because does love lie to a person for 2 years? Does love lie about who YOU are to create an alternate persona that the other person can fall in love w/? If he loved her so much---why would he treat HER that way? She fell in love w/ someone who does not even really exist.

He is in love w/ someone & it's not her---it's HIMself!

Maybe tomorrow I can post pix from Disneyland last Sunday.

I have one crazy goal to keep me focused....IF a miracle doesn't happen & E doesn't come back to the Lord & repent 9which doesn't seem likely & I don't have my hopes up or anything) then after all this I am going to 'reward' myself by getting rid of the 'adventure' van & buying MYSELF some cute new car, w/ my OWN money & my OWN good credit!!! And I am going to buy it from his OLD job from one of his old friends! lolololol It's fun to dream. lol

I'll never do that again.

We arrived @ the restaurant & everyone was waiting outside. I looked nice & felt confident. The inlaws kinda rushed over to greet & hug the littles. They handed out some goody bags from their cousins b-day party that we missed. I offered to take them to the car...& give them some space.

When I returned S & l were w/ their dad & E was keeping his distance from them. Finally we got a table, more awkwardness as we tried to figure out who would sit where as E & I were both trying to avoid sitting by his dad & his dad was trying to avoid sitting by me.

Finally got situated, I made small talk & cracked jokes w/ my sil & kept asking the littles what they were going to order. It was all so ridiculous as we all ignored the HOT pink elephant in the middle of our table. kwim?

I had a 10 second pity party when my food was the last to arrive. I was fine until I noticed big E taking pix of L w/ his camera. It triggered me to think about how disgustingly he would takes pix of them ALL the times we were out together & he was TMing them to OW!!!! I immediately lost my appetite & had to literally force myself to start digging into my salad & refrain from grabbing my kids fleeing the scene!

When I felt like I was about to lose it, I quickly excused myself from the table & it was all I could do to make it to the restroom before my mascara flowed down my face. Before I even knew it the tears were streaming uncontrollably. I hid in the restroom for awhile until I could compose myself. I hoped my eyes wouldn't look to red & give me away.

I came back to an awkwardly silent table. My mil asked if I was ok--yah, sure, I'm fine, I replied icily. I forced myself to finish my salad & gave L my turkey croissant sandwich. (yah it looked delicious!)

I started rushing them to finish & soon enough they were. I instructed the littles to tell their grandparents thank you for brunch & give kiss & hugs good bye & we couldn't get out of there soon enough.

WHAT was I thinking? This IS so ridiculous. It's not right & it's pathetic for his family to act like everything is OK. It's NOT! Their son has hurt & devastated alot of people, least of which his immediate family.

We went to Disneyland alter w/ sil. We made pretty sure not to talk about 'anything'. {sigh} We had an okay time.

E wants us all to move back into the house, thinks the children will be more comfortable. It won't include him...just us. The more I have thought about it though, I truly don't think it's a very good idea. Too stressful & anyway I have come to the conclusion that my children & I deserve better! (prior to what I said about what we deserve. lol)

I thought I was teaching my children to be grateful...& they are. However, I was also teaching them to SETTLE fro less than the best. Now I don't mean materially...but for example accepting only the scraps & bits of time & attention their father was giving them. Or accepting that home in it's run down state. No, he should have been doing what was necessary to keep that place in tip top shape.

They don't deserve to have to sleep in a bedroom w/ plastic over the window because a pane is broken. Or w/ winter coming to have a broken back door that will allow all the elements to come inside. Or stuff overflowing in the closets because the garage door is broken and can't be opened.

So I had told him, no. We will stay @ my dad's home because it is in better shape & they deserve that. IF I was ever to change my mind, he would have to fix everything first anyway for me to even consider it. And I have support here & don't have to worry about bills & such.

Then I got into a conversation (lecture?) w/ him about how I will NO longer allow myself or my children to settle for second best. I want ONLY the best for them & an every other weekend daddy is NOT what is best for them. I told him he CAN fix this if he wanted too & I expect more from him & I expect him to do what is BEST for them & to give them the BEST.

I also told him he has issues & he needs to speak to someone about it. He needs to fix himself so he can fix this mess he created. I reminded him that no one here hates him. We all love him & that is why we are all so hurt & angry, because we DO love him. We wouldn't be so disappointed & hurt if we didn't. blah blah blah.

He has/had an interview today @ a dealership....the guy called HIM, referred from an old friend that we haven't talked to in a very long time that had moved away. Weird???

I may just be wasting my breathe, I know that...but he didn't hang up anyway.

@ Carrows, we care!

A sil tm me this evening that she, mil & fil would like me & the ktbunch to go out to eat manana @ Carrows. I asked the ktbunch if they wanted to go---sure, of course! :-) They love their grandparents & aunties (& uncles on my side).

S asks if his dad is going to be there...he wants him there....ugh. So I tm sil that & she says she will invite him if we want.

No, it's not what I want...but what choice do I have? {sigh}

We were out today & E called, asked to speak to the kids....I hand the phone to L & ask her if she wants to talk to her dad...she says NO. I say: are you sure & she shakes her finger no & says, yes I am sure.

Ern of course said no...S said yes. Then while S was on the phone, he asked his brother & sister again & again they said no. :(

L...she has fun & will play w/ her dad when they 'visit' (I hate that term) but she is refusing to speak to him on the phone. She did this the other night too. I had forgotten to tell them that their dad had called while they were gone...S was already asleep but I let L know that her dad called & if she wanted to call him back. She said: no, he's rude to you. I responded, well all you need to know is that your dad loves you very much. Would you like to talk to him? Again she said: No, he is rude.

I HAVE to keep reminding them how much thier dad 'loves' them, whether I believe it or not does not matter. PLUS...until we have a court order settled...anything I say to them can be misconstrued, therefore it is practically illegal for me to say ANYthing that might be perceived as 'negative' about thier father. {eye roll}

S thinks his dad is a Christian again because he is 'being nice' again. {major eye roll} I can't really talk about what a real Christian looks like @ this point. bummer. I tried to ask him what the Bible said about providing for your family & acting lovingly to your wife & if he has seen that. kwim? He says, well I think dad is a Christian now because he is acting nice again.

My heart breaks that he thinks THAT is Christianity! kwim? ouch!!

Woke up to rain today so no run...regret that. The chilly change in weather had thrown my body into a premature hibernation state I think. lol All I want to do is eat, curl myself up into a ball & cry myself to sleep.

I TM E tonight congratulating him on his current 'cagematch' (improv) wins, that I knew he would & I was sorry I had to miss them. He had insisted (before everything went down) that I *not* attend, stating he did NOT want ANY of his friends there OR me.....That was really hurtful & more so when I found out he had REALLY invited ALL of our friends. :(

Kill him w/ kindness?

Do you think it will work? {sigh}

More police drama today...after yesterday & Wednesday were so peaceful! HA! (I have my suspicions as to WHY the sudden change in behavior)

I couldn't get all I needed from the house last night because the main room I was in, the light bulb is burned out..so it was too dark to see & get what I needed. I TM today asking when he will NOT be there (just like yesterday) & we make arrangements. He asks if he can take them to his parents house, I respond (same as usual) that I don't think that's a good idea. (since he threatened to take them away, I can't risk it)

ALL of a sudden he changes his mind & decides to be snarky & TM that I can ONLY come to the house ALONE! What? I remind him of my safety being a priority, blah blah blah. So then he decides he will stay, call his parents & the police, to escort me as I remove whatever it is I came for. Whatever. I TM him to tell his parents to bring the video camera too. sheesh!

After a few errands....I STILL TM him asking him if he had time for the ktbunch or what. (we were trying to make arrangements earlier before he 'lost' it). Ok, we make arrangements to meet @ a local park....THEN he decides to be snarky, again. Says he is bringing a witness. Ok fine, again I remind him to bring the video camera. {eyeroll, long sigh} Then he's telling me I have to meet him @ the police station for the 'exchange'. Are you kidding me? There is NO exchange....I am bringing the littles to play w/ their dad, I remain there & then they leave w/ me, like they came. kwim?

He demands I arrive @ such & such police station in 10 minutes! I respond, we agreed to the park & that is where we are going. I arrived, he was alone. {duh!} It was freezing, after 50 min I ask if we can go somewhere INdoors. *I* suggest Check-E-Cheese. ok fine.

I guess my new attitude is to be kind, polite & cool as a cucumber. I've realized, when he's getting 'high-drama' it's because he is 'losing control'. duh. He's always been a 'feeler' & I am a 'thinker'. It is serving me well in this situation. ;-)

He is trying to bully me & it's not going to work. Like a child, he gets mad when he doesn't get his way & starts 'acting up'. whatever.

I spoke to him as the children were getting in the car about not smoking in the home because the smell remains & since Ern has asthma...I didn't think it was a good idea. I spoke softly & politely. I think he was thrown off & even though he had attitude, he said ok. I also made brief chit-chat w/ him inside ChuckEcheese & let him know no one hates him @ my dad's house. He told the littles he would bring pizza to the house after we left.

He called & spoke sympathetically to let me know he had arrived w/ it. We went out to get it & he rushed to leave...I was trying to ask him his plans for tomorrow & when he wanted to see the kids & he turned around & snapped back W/ attitude: WHAT? I responded politely & just repeated myself...He snapped out: OK! & just kept walking. I don't know if he really heard, but whatever.

I couldn't help but break down & cry (again) as we left ChuckECheese. {another deep sigh}

Question of the Day?

Would *I* take 'him' back?....in a heartbeat (@ least today).

Most everyone is asking me this lately.

Let me explain what 'taking him back' really means.

It does NOT mean, if he came sobbing & begging, that I would say GREAT! & start moving me & the kids back into "the house". It means, I would allow him the opportunity to try & PROVE to us, w/ every waking breathe, for the rest of his life, that we are his #1 priority & he's sorry.

kwim?

He'd need to do tons of tangible things that go along w/ proving it...& yes, I do have a list started.

And it's easy for me to say yes when I know it is not something that I believe is ever going to happen anyway. kwim? That's how it is w/ hypothetical questions. He's not sorry.

I love this man, never stopped. When I took our vows, I truly meant for better or for worse. I am not embarrassed to admit that. You don't just turn off love because you are very angry. kwim? I still meant it, even more, when we renewed our vows 3 years ago, whether he did nor not, *I* did.

I put 15 years of myself & my life into this relationship. I built & rebuilt us a life & a family...I cannot give it up that easy. The least of my goals was to give my children a stable intact family....I would still like too.

I'm tired of people telling me I can 'do better', I will 'find someone else' OR that I 'deserve' to be treated better. Because, as a Christian, realistically---what do we ever deserve? Certainly not what we receive right? None is better or more deserving than the next. IMO

So there ya go. The answer is yes, you can stop asking now. ;-)

What can I say?

So....I haven't posted for awhile....My world has been turned completely upside down, inside out & deliberately torn apart. It is good that I am writing about it NOW & not so close to the fact. I can be less emotional about it I guess.


About 2 weeks ago....my H came home from an improv show to tell me, quite indifferently, that he had been having an affair for the past 2 years (from what I can tell, it's really only about 18 mos---but that is part of is alternate reality, trying to make it into more than what is was/is), it wasn't my fault, I did nothing wrong & he's been lying & hurt alot of people & that it wasn't his ow's (other woman's) fault either, that he had been lying to her & that he's a real jerk (he used stronger language). And that he thought I should know. Ya think?


There were no apologies, no begging for forgiveness. Actually that conversation was still wrought w/ lies, contrary to his plea that he felt he should 'come clean' & that I deserved that much.


My initial thought was: "Well, I know I am not going to die." really, it was. See I had been through this before, the 1st time, I wasn't so sure I'd survive, this time I KNEW I would.


There was plenty more to that conversation but it's neither here nor there.


That night...I got online & sent public email to my DH internet department @ the dealership:

ATTN: Other Woman (I used her real name)

I found your turquoise thong w/ my H, HIS NAME, clothes. Would you like it back?

Feel free to give me a call ;-)

I signed my name & included my cell phone number & email. Needless to say, she did not respond. However, the entire department was soon in an uproar trying to figure out was going on. Both her & my DH had already decided to take the day off & not go in. From that point on, my DH pretty much refused to show his face there. She got off easy, stating her victimization. In the end, (supposedly) he was told only 1 of them would be able to keep their job there & he resigned.

DH naturally became quite upset w/ me, blaming me & how could I do that to her, she has kids & is a single mom you know! I was messing w/ 'her life'. We were on the way to the fair (the ktbunch & I) & I demanded he give me the $$ in his wallet (I had nothing)....only $500, leaving another $500 UNaccounted for (later learned he gave it to her, to 'start paying her back'). Then he left to an 'undisclosed' location for 2 days.....until he realized he had no access to credit. haha!

I took the ktbunch & a few things to my dad's....after a few extremely stressful days, we headed out to the desert on 'vacation' (compliments of a friend).

Oh & yes, I did find a thong w/ my DH clothes a week prior, to which he responded w/ disbelief & innocence that he had NO idea nor explanation for them. I continued to question & he continued to shower me w/ sweet sentiments about how I was his "whole world" & he "knew he had not been the ideal husband but was going to work hard & make it up to me" & how "we just needed to get away & spend some alone time together". vomit!

Yah...so it's all been pretty much downhill since then.

He's gone from loving me but being confused, to blaming me for everything, to stating that he's creating a better life for our children by removing them from an environment where 2 people"hated each other for the past 2 years" (I was unaware I hated him, wierd!), to saying that he just doesn't like me. nice.

He says he's looking for a job...in the meantime, I've had a few automatic payments out of my account, the car payment is due today & other bills will be coming due within the next week or so. Again, nice. He could have a job @ anytime on any dealership but he says he doesn't want to sell cars anymore. whatever.

I did report all of his credit cards lost/stolen so he had no access to funds, but I think he figured it out eventually & got replacements last week.

The other day I had to call & have the police out to the house 2 times because he was threatening to come & take the children away while I was @ work. It's been ugly. It's been an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. That's teh nutshell version.

I feel sorry for him, really. Because @ the end of the day, when he is all alone & there is no one to convince or lie too....he KNOWS the truth of all he has done & how many people he has & is hurting & he has to live w/ that.

In the meantime...I am working as many hours as possible @ the college, my part time job & working on paperwork for filing a legal seperation, so that we can have a Child & Spousal support order on record.

It's all I can do to go to work, my ktbunch is not used to me being gone so much & my middle little has a meltdown whenever I have to go anywhere. He doesn't want me to leave & is afraid I won't come back. My oldest one is hurt, angry & shell-shocked like me & doesn't want to see or speak to his dad. My youngest, my girl, doesn't know what to think @ any given moment & acts non-chalant about everything but yesterday & today she refused to speak to her dad on the phone. And the other night, she had a very fitful sleep & was sobbing in her sleep. :(

I am not 24 this time, I am not so naive & devastated. I am a grown 34 yo woman w/ 3 children to take care of. I am not afraid of being alone, I know I can do this, I have been for the past 2 years anyway. It's just NOT what I had planned for my life & our family, is all.

I'm not messing around, thus the reported credit cards, the email to his job ect. I know my legal rights & limitations. I know how to protect myself...this time. If *I* wanted, I could move half way across the country & still be within the law & my legal rights because we are still married & have no court order. He has no idea. However...it's not about me, I have 3 others to think about & they need their family & local friends too.

I am losing a lot & I am angry about that. 'She' was already a single mom w/ a career---she has lost nothing & ends this w/ a heart a little worse for wear..but otherwise her life stays intact. I have no sympathy for her & do not regret my email one bit. I relish it a little actually. ;-) I am now losing half my family, a family that I have been a part of for the past 15 years. I am losing the security & stability of a life I built---no, a life I REbuilt! kwim?

I am extremely disappointed, to say the least.

But @ the end of the day, what are you gonna do?

I'll live.

We all have our insecurities & I sure have mine, but strength, wit & intelligence, are NOT one of them!

Oh! & I had to make my blog private because he threatened to download & copy & somehow use them in court---how? I don't know cause i have a pretty NICE blog...but there's always a way to take things OUT of context.