Practiced Silence

 I feel like I've been fighting against silence my entire life.

When an older boy invited a few of us 1st grade girls to sit on his lap on the swing and then put his fingers in our underwear--I pretended to fall off of him, without a word. I told my mom...and I think another little friend who said he did the same thing to her. I think we told a few other girls to stay away from him. Our teacher told us not to tell anyone else because then those people would tell others and eventually so many people would know. My mom told the authorities at the school immediately and I *think* I remember having to repeat it to police? But I could be remembering wrong. The boy had to leave the school.

Later, I was told my dad was not my biological dad. I did not realize what it really meant for my heart and soul. That is when the lies of my heart and fragmenting of my identity began because from that moment on--I was NOT who I SAID I was. I thought I was 'brown' but I wasn't. When I was a teen, I wanted more information and my mom refuse to tell me anything. She said she was not ready. Again, silence. I was forced to carry the burden of her secret and that was unfair.

Between there somewhere, I was getting groped by a close member of the family. I don't remember when it started but I had decided I had to take care of myself. I handled it, in silence. Unfortunately, as a kid, I would sometimes forget again, and there he was. Always ready for me to forget and walk by too close. 

It all came out when I started triggering with a boy friend in high school. I was fine the entire summer we spent making out. I broke the silence but...it accomplished nothing. He was allowed back in our family's life. An even closer family member, swears he molested his daughter. I was told she admitted it. But so? Nothing changed except if he was around, we all acted as if he wasn't. We blocked him out in silence...until he just faded away. He's still here. He even spent years coaching girls sports. Everyone practiced the silence now. For who's benefit? At what cost? 

I verbally fought with my mom a lot in high school. I felt this rage inside--I think it was the silence trying to escape--fighting for a way out. I was never known for 'being quiet'. I was sassy as heck. Always my 'mouth' that 'got me in trouble.' But so many words I wasn't allowed to express. 'Why didn't you protect me?' came out as 'I HATE YOU!'

Let me not forget the moment I was told a female can not be a pastor. Because the Bible says. That's the verdict. No debate, no question. Women are not allowed to speak...in the church. 
But the marriage. The marriage provided the strongest silencing influence. There are still events I have never shared aloud and I don't know if I ever will...or can. But mostly, my voice is returning. It's not raging anymore. It's controlled and assertive, or written...mostly.

Dinner On Me

Two individual dinner meals ready for delivery.

"Did you have a dinner break?" said my co-worker.
"Sort-of. I was going to cook but I remembered it's youth group tonight so I didn't because my kids eat at church on Wednesday nights," I replied.
"I wish I had a dinner break." she said.
"I would have brought you something, if I would have known." I said.
"I would pay for that!" she said.

Dinner On Me was born.

The next day I made a fabulous dinner of green chicken enchiladas, rice and beans and offered it to my co-worker. "What do I owe you?" she asked.

"This one's on me," I replied. On my way out the door, the front desk manager offered to purchase a plate. I walked the three minute walk home and the three minute walk back, to bring her a plate, making it my first official dinner sale.

The first co-worker loved her meal. She and I made arrangements for me to deliver her dinner 5 nights a week while she's working. The tutoring center hours are after school and often right through the dinner hour with out a break for the busiest tutors. This works out splendidly and is a win-win situation for both of us. I am getting PAID to provide affordable, home-cooked, delicious meals--which I would cook for my ktbunch anyway--and she gets to eat real food instead of snacks or fast food.

The remarkable thing is, I never considered myself much of a cook. On my honey-moon I tried to make the Mr, Hamburger Helper (and I did it wrong) because that's what I grew up with and thought *dinners* were. When there were meal delivery sign-ups at church for the new moms, I always declined for fear of my kitchen inadequacy.

I do love to bake and there was a time I thought of offering my home-made-from-scratch pies and baked goods for sale and was told, "No one wants your pies!" I realize now, the comment really had nothing to do with me personally. Considering the source, the individual was speaking from their own place of fear and bitterness. It certainly wasn't encouraging though and I quickly gave up my idea.

I think of this as another point in time, coming full circle. I feel like the Lord is rebuilding me, into a person of wholeness, one redeeming moment at a time.

Hello 2015 and January

Idk which to say first; Hello 2015, Hello January or Hello Thursday.
I've got nothing...I mean, usually there's something; a verse, theme, goal, expectation or at least One Word.

Maybe that's the point. I.don't.know. Maybe that's where the freedom is--->in not knowing?

I guess we're all going to find out, in the end.

It will be something. We can be sure of that. Maybe nothing close to what we think, expect, imagine or resolve to make it.


I mean, there was a January 20+ years ago, that I was carrying a baby due in March. No one expected him to suddenly arrive in January but he did. Way too early-yet, right.on.time.

Who knows what January may bring?

Exercises in Forgiveness

Soul Work is hard work. It requires going deep inside and bringing the wounds to the outside. As I work more on myself, I become more capable of leading my children along this path of healing with me.

After an unexpected incident, which led to more opportunities for healing and growth, I knew we needed to seal our hearts a little tighter. The wounds needed mending. It was also a good way to release the wounds of and say goodbye to, August and hello to September, a new month, a fresh start.

One exercise I have developed and found helpful in aiding the work of forgiveness involves actual fire.

I had my children join me in an exercise I have done myself. We make a list, two actually. One side is all the offenses, hurts, and wounds we can think of, remember, or the Lord reveals, that have been perpetrated against us. It doesn't matter if they are real or only perceived. Whatever it is, it gets written down.

The other side is creating a list of offenses, hurts, wounds, we have perpetrated against others. We take these lists and bring them before the fire. We say a pray confessing these wounds and declaring FORGIVENESS of every offense. We physically tear the paper to bits and pieces and we throw it into the fire. We set our hearts free from resentment, bitterness and or unforgiveness.

We do the same for ourselves, we repent and receive forgiveness as our 'sins' are torn to shreds and burned in the fire. We verbally speak aloud, forgiveness, release from repayment or obligation, repentance and freedom.

At the end, we make declaration of life and blessings on our offenders and over ourselves as we watch the evidence of our wounds disintegrate into ash. It is a raw reminder of God's promises of restoration to us:

Isaiah 61:3 To appoint them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified. 

Beauty comes from the ashes. God created man from the dust, the dirt, perhaps even the ashes of the earth. He created something remarkable and breathed His life and image into him...into us.

My children will walk in freedom. They are free to love, to forgive, to laugh and be themselves. They are free to know their value and worth in Christ...enough that they will not harbor bitterness nor tolerate the weakness of another mistreating them.

It's a symbolic gesture. A gesture of our commitment to healing and freedom.
Always moving forward.

Why I set the table every day.

I always wanted to have sit down meals around the table but we got into the habit of eating while sitting on the couch, on the go or wherever.  My husband worked non-traditional hours, I was in school, kids had various schedules which contributed to different meal times for all of us. Not to mention, when my husband worked during meal time hours and wasn't home, it felt like it was 'time off' for me. I'd make simple, snacks more than meals for myself and family.

Not having my husband/dad in the home anymore, we obviously feel the loss. I experienced a new freedom too. I could make decisions for my family, alone. I didn't have to cater to my husband's schedule or preferences.

If I wanted us to start eating around the table, then we were going to start eating around the table. I made this change just this year. My goal is at least 5 meals together, around the table, a week. Which is usually not more than one meal a day.

I started out clearing the table completely. My oldest had been using it as his computer desk. The table was covered with a fresh table cloth. This inspired me to bring out my nice serving pieces that were always hidden away in the cupboard, brought out only for special occasions.

My children are special. Special enough to use the good dishes...everyday. I have one of a kind, vintage dishes that can not be replaced. I unofficially inherited them when my grandma and mother died. They are gorgeous. But what good are they, what appreciation is shown for their beauty if they are hidden away forever?

Accidents happen. Dishes might get broken. That is part of the learning process. learning to be gentle, use manners and not stand ON the table.

The other part to this is the healing of the trauma of not having a husband and father in the home any more. There is no better word, or a softer way of putting it than trauma. Especially if you are raising your children in a Faith based home.

There are scriptures, a standard of living we subscribe to. Dads moving out and no longer wanting to be married to moms, is not one of them. For my children, it really felt like the end of the world. I guess, to them, it truly was.

I want to reassure my children that their life is going to be beautiful, regardless. A beautiful life is not determined by or dependent on anyone else. As long as they continue to follow Christ, their life will continue to be amazing and lovely.

Yes, we all want 'dad' in our lives, but if not, and it's his choice, we can {and will} still live a beautiful life with out him.

We can still have lovely meals, great conversation, and all while using the good dishes.

Even if we are only eating pizza, YES, I still set it out on a glass cake plate. I use what I have. Yep, I've already lost a couple of glass serving pieces. They were lovely. They were vintage.

They weren't humans. They can be replaced. So what? My children can't be replaced. They are *worth* more than the good dishes. I'd rather a beautiful dish break because it had been used and enjoyed, than it fell out of the cupboard, having never been enjoyed.


It was definitely awkward at first. We'd eat the meal and then feel antsy and ready to leave. A few months in, it's become normal. If I had gotten discouraged and given up, we'd never be able to enjoy it like we do now.

It looks a lot more elaborate than it is really. Which is why we sometimes eat pizza, or good old fashioned spaghetti. I light candles at night and sometimes in the afternoon. I believe life is romantic. We aren't disqualified from a romantic, beautiful life because daddy doesn't live here any more.

My children have needed me more than ever before, during this season. They needed a stable adult to give them hope and reassure them of their prosperous future. This is one way I can do that for them. I show my love for them by setting a lovely table. I affirm their individual value by taking the time, putting in the effort to prepare a meal and set a table as beautiful and creatively as I can.

Life is going to be painful at times. It's unavoidable. As parents, I don't think we need to shield our kids from every heartache, but why not soften the blow a bit? Childhood is preciously short. My kids have been forced to grow up  in some ways, prematurely. I don't want them to remember only trauma. I want them to remember at least one small space in their home that was lovely. It's peaceful. In the coldness of the harsh realities that can strike us unexpectedly, there is a beautiful space and time they can look forward too. No matter how busy we are, we can come together, at least once a day and reconnect. It's the least I can do.

If you are interested in creating a beautiful space to enjoy your meals, here are a few tips that make it simpler:

• I leave the table set, every day. After a meal, dishes are washed {usually!} and then set right back out, ready for the next meal. Yes, this DOES make the table pretty much useless for anything else. I don't mind.


• Stack the dishes on the table. Since the table does become useless always being set, I started stacking the dishes on the table sometimes if we might need the space. This is only for the plates and bowls. Cups, wine glasses and silverware are put away since they are easy to get out again.


• I involve my kids in the process. I ask them for suggestions on table settings, meal preferences, creative input on what to include or exclude from the table. We *are* intentionally trying to make it *look* good.


• Ignore the awkwardness if you aren't used to it. It gets better. It gets easier. My kids are now so used to it, if it's not a *family* meal time, they still sit at the table to eat. Sometimes I will use the time to share a scripture verse or prayer for the day from a book. It helps break the ice and set the tone for peace and faith focus.


• Use what you have. I took down serving pieces from the top shelves of my cupboards. I pulled out China pieces that were being neatly displayed on shelves. I have real silverware that doesn't match. I found a whole bag of it, on sale at the thrift store.


• Keep the menu simple. Even hot dogs look fancy when stacked on a cake plate! Water is froo-froo when you toss in lemon slices. 


• Don't limit the meal to dinner. Choose a meal time that works for your family and your schedule. My goal is at least one meal a day and it isn't always dinner.


• Enjoy yourself and relax.

Need a Perspective Shift?

Break through and victory are NOT based on or determined by what you feel...BUT how you REACT to what you feel.

You can feel lonely, discouraged, sad, depressed...BUT the break through happens when you choose not to behave that way, not to take it out on someone else, or make rash decisions based on emotion.

When you realize this, you begin to make HEALTHY choices...you begin to break the dysfunctional and negative patterns of behavior in your live. Then you see and experience victory!!! Your eyes and heart are open to recognize it. You face adversity but it doesn't send you reeling, you face an upset but it doesn't 'ruin your entire day'. You walk in favor, believe you are an over comer. You behave and PRAY like it! Your focus changes from being inward--on what YOU want, and becomes outward focused, to serving others and desiring to glorify God above all else.

Heart Check
Do you need to change your focus right now?
Do you need to make a *different* choice, right in this moment?

One small shift, can change your entire destination!

First things, first

First day of a whole new year.
So much potential. Feelings of having a fresh start. Choices and changes to be made. How to implement everything...all at once?

What has been on my heart is how God started. What did He do first? There are two major beginnings that come to mind:

Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

and

John 1:1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

The first thing God did, in the beginning was create and be. Right now, on this first day, we have the ability to create. We have the ability to just be. Leave the past behind and do not give in to worry about the future. Center and ground yourself, right now, in this one moment.

Embrace it. Then create something. Anything. Start creating your future from what you are being right now. If you want to reap a plentiful harvest, you must start sowing. If you want to be creative, you must create. If you want to move forward, you must take steps.

Take a deep breathe. Meditate on the here and now. Enjoy it. Breathe it in. Give thanks for all that you have right now. Your life is wonderful. Say that it is. It is not confined to your circumstances, struggles or challenges. Look for the joy that is now.

My family and I spent our first day of this year, which is a multiple of seven, and whose digits equal seven when added all together...taking a drive. I had a plan and it went awry.

I could choose (and I almost did) to give up and give in to defeat. I made a different choice to focus on the beginning. I created a new beginning and we got in the car. We drove with out a final destination. It's ok to do that sometimes. It was interesting that we happen to see people we knew, along our route. Even more interesting that they ended up in the same place we did. I suspect they had a destination, but we did not and yet, we ended up in the same place. Fascinating.

We arrived and chose enjoyment. No complaints and nothing to complain about. By making a choice from the beginning, the future of our day ended up being a pursuit of peace and joy and love and healing.

I kept hearing in my soul (for a few weeks now); 'Go to nature and be healed.' I wasn't sure why but I knew
I needed it. My soul was telling me what my body, mind and spirit needed. I listened and my soul thanked me for it. I felt centered and grounded again. Recharged.

It's never too late to start over...from the beginning.