"If You Don't Respect Your Husband..."

"...he will never come back," the prayer partner told her, after she had tearfully and vulnerably shared about incidents of abuse she had experienced.

"Well...don't provoke him," the pastor's wife said when she asked for prayer, looking for guidance, explaining the fear and confusion over his growing volatility toward her.

"You know...sometimes things get out of hand. Next time, maybe just take a walk, until things cool down between the both of you," was the first response she ever heard, from the assistant pastor--that time she felt afraid because he threw something at her...then pulled the phone cord out of the wall so she couldn't call anyone for help.

The moment he started telling his side, she knew there was nothing she could say otherwise. She sat on the corner of the couch across the room from both of them, staring at the floor, fighting the tears as they laughed lightheartedly, changing the subject. Defeated.

Dismissed.
Discounted.
Denial.

The "non-believer" told her, "Yah, just get the f*** out!" By then though, she was understanding, forgiving, he was under a lot of stress, they just needed to leave until he came to his senses, used to making excuses for him. 

These were pivotal points, defining moments, in her marriage and life when she reached out. She was looking for help, not condemnation. She didn't need more guilt, shame and blame.

She was young, impressionable and lacking any confidence she had come into the marriage with. What did she know? She didn't even know what abuse was--as she obviously couldn't recognize it as it was happening to her. That's not something that would or could happen to her. She wasn't the type of person something like that happens to. She would never be involved with someone like that.

How many times does it need to be said, to be taken seriously? How early does a concern need to be voiced, before it is believed? Obviously, if it was that bad, she would have left, or at least mentioned it, sooner. Of course.

How bad is that bad?

One time, she did go the police. However, the threat she reported was not accompanied by an actual plan as to how that threat would be accomplished...so there was nothing they could do. Years later, a plan would be admitted, verbalized. She was too shocked to do anything. Like all those who had dismissed her voice, she was now just like them. She discounted her own voice and concerns. Her own brain had bought into all the other voices.

The loudest voice, smiling when he spoke gently now, "You know I didn't mean it. People say things like that when they are mad."

No. People don't sometimes lose control.
No.  It has nothing to do with respecting a husband or not.
No. A lack of self control needs no provocation.

But don't make him look bad. This is a private matter.

Yes, yes it was a private matter. Perhaps that's exactly why it happened.

Nice vs Love

"Sometimes he acts like he loves you and sometimes he doesn't!" My daughter said, mirroring my own frustration with her father, my estranged husband.

A red flag went up, activating my mother's intuition and internal warning system. "In what ways does he act loving?" I asked, as questions began to riddle my brain. What impression had I been giving my 11yo daughter about love? What had I been teaching her? Was the behavior she had been witnessing between her father and I, an adequate and accurate description of love?

"Well, he comes and hangs out sometimes, he gives you a hug sometimes and he's nice sometimes..." her voice trailed off.

Is that all she will look for and expect of her own future husband? Is 'being nice sometimes' all it will take to convince her that she is loved? A vision bomb went off and the internal veil of neediness and codependency was lifted. Hopefully, it wasn't too late to be honest with her...and myself.

"Honey, that isn't love, that is just being nice. Lots of people may be nice to you, but that doesn't mean they love you. A mommy and daddy that love each other hold hands, they sit next to each other and snuggle while they watch movies-not on opposite sides of the room. Husbands don't get up and walk away every time their wife tries to sit next to them. And most of all, they don't live in separate homes. Yes, your daddy IS nice to me sometimes, but being nice doesn't equal love...it's just being nice."

I went on to share some of Corinthians definition of love with her.

We must be honest with ourselves here. If we claim God's standard for our lives, this includes being honest, whatever the painful cost. What a disservice we do to our children if we're lowering love to the definition of being nice.

Love is sacrificial. Nice is not. I can't in good conscious, allow my daughter to grow up believing, just because a guy remembers  and brings her a favored candy, that it means he LOVES her. Love is faithful. I can't continue to act grateful and praise God that my husband brings me a bag of peanut m&m's while he goes every night to share an apt with someone else. What a gross misrepresentation and abuse of God's love and the standard He set forth in His Word.

Being nice is a common and basic form of human decency. There is nothing special about that. It is the lowest and most base expectation one can have of other humans we share this planet with.

I am keeping my vows, sacrificially, and that is an example of divine love. How dare we equate a move of God with common behavior as 'being nice'. What a devilish deception to embrace such dysfunction and call it a name of God, such as LOVE!

I will praise God for being God. I will pray for strength to continue to really love my husband, as defined in His word. What I won't do and I believe, must repent from, is being dishonest and calling or representing such deplorable behavior, as 'love'. Lying and telling myself, "My husband loves me, see, because he was *nice* to me today." No, that is untruth. All my husband was really doing, was being nice.

Being nice is selfish and has it’s own agenda. Love...divine love, which can only occur if the Spirit of God dwells within you, is selfless and seeks to gain nothing in return. Nothing. Love does not abuse others...or one's self. Let's embrace God's truth...and emotional health...and pray from that place of power...not from our dysfunctional weakness. ‪

Showing Respect Toward the Separated Husband

There are times, of course, when it feels easier to respect your husband. Such as when he is being loving, is well rested and polite, meeting your needs and being understanding. I know first hand how challenging it can be when your life and marriage are not living up to even basic expectations. Or worse–you are estranged or separated from your husband and he isn’t exactly behaving respectable.

 …and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33 b

We know this verse. Most wives do. I knew it but my understanding was limited. My filters and guard were very high and leery of this verse. I didn’t trust it. I mean isn’t respect earned? If I give it freely, well, it won’t be valued right? *I* won’t be valued!

Read more as I pray for you and share at Intentionally Yours today...

Small Acts of Humility

My husband is knocking on the door a little after 8am. (in our house, we don't even recognize that time.
haha) I jump up out of bed, open the door and greet him with an awkward, morning smile. He forgot his jacket the night before and I forgot, he said he'd come by in the morning before work, to get it.

"Do you have a wash cloth?" He has something all over the bottom side of his dress/work slacks. Pizza sauce or something.

I get a warm, damp wash cloth, kneel down and begin to wipe it clean for him. I'm there, below him, on my knees. What a humble position this is. {like washing feet} I wanted to do this, serve him. My identity has grown and become secure in Christ that I did not feel inconvenienced or devalued, by this small act of service--that some might say this man does not deserve. He simply appreciated my help.

I literally, began my day, kneeling on a wood floor--maybe it means something. Perhaps, there is more honor than I have understood, in starting our day with such humility...instead of the attitude of: all we are going to conquer  or have to do.

And maybe, taking the lowly position, is the way we will conquer in the end.

How to Speak Life Into Your Dead Marriage

I throw that ‘Speak Life‘ phrase around a lot…this is something that I’ve only begun to understand and develop as a discipline, within the last year. Is your marriage seemingly dead?

The Bible assures us that our words and the language we use are VERY powerful. It affects our perspective, our outlook, our attitude, the very direction our brain physically fires up!

The Bible also warns us to ‘take every thought captive’ and to ‘think of what is good, pure, Holy etc…’ Going so far as to even state that the POWER of LIFE and DEATH is in our TONGUE! If our words were not powerful…God would not have written those scriptures for us to take heed to. Find verses about husbands, wives, family and declare those aloud on behalf of yourself, your spouse and your family daily! The POSITIVE ones, not the curses!

Read more, as I'm guest posting over at Intentionally Yours today....

Stop Defending Yourself

The straw that broke the camel’s back when my husband and I finally separated this last time, if I’m honest, was me telling him to leave.  I didn’t ask, we didn’t discuss it, I made a decision and enforced it upon him.

The entire time we have been separated, I justified my decision based on behavior he was exhibiting at the time. I can give you a run-down of all my reasons, which would basically sound like this:

He did this…
He was doing that…
Well, he…and he…then he….so I…

Read more...I'm sharing at Intentionally Yours today...

Your Marriage Won't Save You

It can’t. Your spouse won’t save you either. They aren’t your savior.  We are often told, “You can’t save your spouse, only Jesus can.” This is true.

Then we turn right around and behave as if all our concerns, hurts, worries, childhood issues, wounds, sadness, depression, and loneliness will be magically cured if only…our marriage was restored, our spouse came home or just did this or that. Right? If you could save your spouse or them you, if your marriage could save you both…there would be no need for Christ, no need for His death.

Read more...sharing over at Intentionally Yours today...

Vows are for failures

...in sickness & in health, in good times & bad, for better and for worse, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part? Well, those were the vows I took and I meant them. I've surrounded myself with others who've supported and challenged me to keep those vows-not those who would disrespect me by disrespecting my word, my promise that I gave...I respect my vows, my self and my marriage. I wasn't joking, I didn't take it lightly. 

I was asked, invited, to be my husband's wife-I made a choice and freely and willingly agreed...and in doing so, I gave my commitment and stand by it and for it. I haven't remained married for over 20 years by taking my word lightly!!

Love, commitment, marriage, family and vows--aren't about being perfect. Exactly opposite. It's about loving in spite of disappointment. Keeping your word is about being someone your family can trust and depend on in the really hard, deep dark, moments. It's about grace for others and for yourself when you know you've failed big time and made a mess of things. It's about asking for help and being willing to give it. It's about faith in something bigger than just yourself or your own point of view. It's about starting right where you are--to be the person you vowed to be--to and for others.

It's about second and third and fourth chances. It's about forgiving, freely. About making a choice to do better, be better, to not give up-even if you 'feel' like it. Believing in love that is real because you choose to love not only because you think you feel it or not. I also vowed to love, cherish, respect, honor and forsake all others. That was the first part of the vow I made. The first part, is independent of the second part. I did not make a vow of fidelity and commitment based only on whether I was cherished, protected or loved...I made a vow of commitment, independently of the way I was treated. Independent of anyone else's behavior. I made a vow that I desired (and still desire) to keep.

I can tell you---with 20 years behind me--LOVE IS what you MAKE, not what you FALL for!

Let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up. Galations 6:9

None of us will ever perfectly maintain the first part of our vows, which is why I believe the second part of the vow was created and necessary. If we're honest, we will fail miserably at times. It's not only in good times, but a vow for bad times, poor times, a vow for the worst times. Maybe that is really it: vows are for failures...just like grace. I thought I made a vow in confidence that I could maintain the first part...never expecting my own failures would be why my vow included the second part.

We need vows because we will fail.

So come, let's make a covenant, you and I, and it will be a witness to our commitment. Genesis 31:44

A witness to our commitment.

Remember your covenant promises, for the land is full of darkness and violence! Psalm 74:20

Ghosts of Christmas Past

Fourteen years ago, this Christmas, we moved into the house we currently live in. We enjoyed all the Christmas Eve festivities, came back to our 'new' home and laid our sleepy, then 5 year old, in his bed, to awaken Christmas morning, for the first time, in his new 'home'. It was a very Merry Christmas!

For us, it was a real miracle. The Mr and I were working our way back from a six month separation, in our sixth year of marriage. I was in a really bad place, ready and willing to call it quits once and for all. I was ready to start a fresh new life, just me and my oldest. (only one at the time)

I felt absolutely nothing remotely positive for the Mr. I was beyond hurt, betrayed, angry and couldn't even see a glimpse of a future for the Mr and I. For some reason though, one day, I felt compelled to say a prayer...It was a very shallow and selfish prayer, I admit, but I believe God took it seriously.

I told (yes, told) God IF He wanted me to stay married, He was going to have to change my heart. That sounds simple enough at first, right? Except I was not willing to DO anything to facilitate this 'change of heart' I was asking for. My idea of a 'changed' heart meant I wanted to feel all lovey-dovey for the Mr. I wanted the warm-fuzzy, romantic feelings. I told God I absolutely refuse to live w/ the Mr. as a 'roommate' or to remain married out of obligation.

It was a tall order and I had no expectation of God fulfilling these selfish requests at all. Basically I sat there, arms crossed, daring God to change my heart. I don't know what I was thinking but I don't think I fully understood what I was asking, all those years ago. God certainly answered...

Besides my own heart needing to be changed, we needed to save up for the money required to move into a new place. Our son and I were living with friends, the Mr needed a new job and was sleeping on his parents couch.

We began our home search in the opposite direction. A friend happen to be driving by and saw a for rent sign. We were sure this corner, 3 bedroom, 1 bath home would be way out of our budget. (who am I kidding? WHAT budget?) We applied anyway and couldn't believe the low rent they were asking.

The landlords wanted us to wait until January but the Mr talked them into letting us move in right away. I think it helped that he offered to over look the paint job the the interior needed. They were happy we only had one child and obliged.

Fourteen years, 3 more children and innumerable mistakes later...I find myself in a similar situation, with a few minor changes. I can't tell if the situation looks more or less hopeless. Can hopelessness really be measured? Either there's hope or there isn't, right?

I've come a long way in how I perceive love to look and feel like. But hopeless is hopeless. It's the  first week of Advent and the focus is HOPE. We were a young, hopeless couple 14 years ago and God came through in a mighty way. Why wouldn't He come through now?

James 4:2b You do not have, because you do not ask God.  This CHRISTmas, the ktbunch and I are praying for another miracle. Asking and hoping for something we want.

A miracle occurred 2000 years ago that enables this Hope to live within us. Hope was born. 

I could have left my marriage, not looked back and been justified. I wanted to leave initially, at the time...but not now and not when we were in the middle either. When God changed my heart--all I can think is, that it was forever. Permanent. I certainly didn't do anything. Except pray.  God heard my prayer then and I've no doubt He hears it now. 

I prayed for one thing: a desire to be married to my husband. It's still here. Among all the mistakes and regrets, the desire that I prayed for, has never left. 

Heb 6:19 This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the Presence behind the veil,

I can not release this hope. We've come so far, this far, too far, to give up now. 

Psalm 71:14a But as for me, I will always have hope...

CHRISTmas is a time for miracles. 

Which one are you hoping and praying for?

Following in the Wrong Direction

Recently, the Mr & I were driving separately to the same event (a friend's child's birthday party). I agreed to follow him because he wanted to park on the street and not pay for the lot and I was not familiar with the area.

We were almost there when I noticed the Mr. in the exit lane earlier than the directions I had, said to exit. I got in the other lane and remained on the freeway since the Mr. was obviously about to go the wrong way. He did not follow me. My directions turned out to be wrong and my frustration began to rise quickly.

I finally contacted him w/ my phone and was quite irritated at the entire situation. I was upset because he had not communicated with me what he was doing. I thought I knew 'the plan' we had agreed to. He thought the plan was simple enough; I would follow him. What else was there to explain? This doesn't work well for a girl who lives for 'information'. 

I replayed this situation in my head over & over & over ad nauseum. For me, I realized, it was very hard to 'follow' when I didn't 'trust'. I think this is important in a marital relationship but I'm not sure if it is a requirement for 'following'...

Here we were, the other day--similar but different situation. Again, going to another unfamiliar-to-me location, in separate cars. Having had a couple weeks of analyzing the previous situation, I was determined to 'do it right' this time. 

"I will follow you," I emphasized and assured the Mr. 

He gave me the directions anyway and let me know I could always call him if necessary. (in other words-in case I got lost) He was making an attempt to communicate with me better and recognize my need for information.  I thought this was nice, at first.

Now, I'm thinking, he may not have trusted me to follow, even though I gave my word, because I gave my word last time, remember? Maybe, the Mr. had a need I had not recognized...

Everything was going great...until, once again, the Mr. deviated from the plan, as I understood it. He had only told me of one freeway and then the exit. We were now on another freeway, headed toward a toll road I certainly didn't have any money for.

Wow! I don't know why I was so surprised how strong my urge was to stop following. I was certain, once again, he was going the wrong way. But I wanted to follow...and I wanted to trust.

I kept following, hoping...and praying he was right. I wanted him to be right.

The exit we wanted, was right before the toll road. We made it.

I released a deep sigh of relief...and I hope, at least, a small victory. 

So many times, I've stepped out in faith, to follow God. Then I find myself beginning to feel anxious because I'm not sure of the route He's taking me on. Or it doesn't appear to follow the plan, as I understood it. Everything in me wants to scream, "You're not going the right way!"

I'll feel like I hit a breaking point as I settle into that I-can't-take-it-any-more collapse of defeat, when suddenly the plan, or part of it, is revealed. 

"Great. Thanks God for understanding. Now let's get this show on the road. I'm right behind you." I'm thinking He understands me and knows how much better I feel when I have the directions or the plan.

Maybe though, He was only revealing the plan...because He didn't trust me to follow...

Maybe...I need to trust that the destination will be worth it, whether I know the way to get there...or not.

How's your lawn doing?

image found on pinterest

The grass is always greener..on the other side. 

Right.

Oh! We LOVE that saying, don't we? It implies one can never truly be satisfied with what they have: human nature. By accepting this little saying as a truth, it absolves us of all responsibility. That's just the way life is, nothing we can do about it. Sigh. We've gotta just be happy with our own dead lawn.

I call BS!
Seriously.

This idea of being content--as if it's a penance we have to pay. Contentedness is such a drag, on & on & on with the whining.


The grass is NOT always greener on the other side. 
The grass IS greener--where you WATER it.

Why are you staring at your neighbor's lawn anyway, weirdo!

Lawns don't grow like magic...a lot of hard work is required. I've got a garden...if I neglect it, before I know it, it's filled with giant weeds that are very tough to remove. If I neglect my lawn--IT DIES! Duh! All the time I spend looking at my neighbor's lawn, coveting the lush green--I could be tending my own garden. THAT is the key. If we were dedicated to working our own lawn and gardens, we wouldn't even have time to covet the neighbor's lawn. Right.

See where I'm growing--I mean going with this? :-)

image found on pinterest

I can look all around me and see families, relationships, children, homes etc of others that appear better, shinier, lovelier than what I have. I can neglect my own children and by doing so allow weeds of bad character to take root and dig deep within their hearts. Before I know it--I'm overwhelmed by the work that needs to be done and I simply want to run away. Self defeating cycle that is, huh?

However, if I tend my own garden, the garden God has given ME--work to make it the lushest, greenest, most fertile soil of the heart one has ever known...the fruit it will bear will be self-satisfying. It starts with the gardener--NOT the lawn. Because the problem isn't the lawn. The problem is the gardener who neglects his own lawn.

Do not allow your own idleness to breed a spirit of dissatisfaction within your own heart!

When your marriage is faltering and you don't know what to do...

Source: i.imgur.com via Katy on Pinterest

There are times in life and especially marriage, when you feel at a loss. The situation may feel hopeless and your heart is unsettled and heavy. It happens.

When I have been in really challenging marital (and non-marital) situations & feel torn over WHAT exactly I should do...the first thing I do is STAY QUIET. Ok--maybe it's not always the *first* thing...but I'm learning.

Seriously though, I take it straight to God. I DO believe God will give you the answer...for some it may be an ultimatum. If you believe your spouse or the person involved would/will respond to that--then by all means, play that card. BUT YOU have to be absolutely sure YOU will follow-through on that *ultimatum*.

If you do not feel led or up to following through with that....there is NO SHAME in that choice either. Only you know your own limits here.

However, there is also a STRONG defense you have, & that is PRAYER. Situations always look hopeless to the naked eye. Here on Earth solutions are often hard to come by. BUT in the spiritual realm...there is more power. God is faithful to hear your petitions & answer your prayers.
 
There is a prayer guide for wives to pray for husbands & children. I *strongly* suggest you start that now, if you haven't already.

When things take a turn toward the extremely serious, especially in marriage, MOST of all I would pray DILIGENTLY for the person's TRUE salvation. That covers the root of it all, wouldn't it? I'd also include conviction in there. Beseech God for ALL that you want your marriage to be: passionate, peaceful, faithful--whatever it is you desire in your heart. 

ALSO, I would inquire to God about WHAT He wants YOU to learn from this. What is He teaching YOU through this situation? For me, in my life, the challenge has been to truly & deeply look @ God's/Christ definition of LOVE. How can *I* LOVE my husband better? HOW can I show him CHRIST'S UNCONDITIONAL love. (I have realized I am *very* conditional)

I had to face my own fears that certain unbecoming behaviors stirred up within me & take them to God. If my husband was not there for me the way I desired--I KNEW God was. If a husband disappoints--God never does. If a husband abandons--God never will.

I am  not just telling you what to do--I am speaking from my own experience. I know what it is to feel unloved, to feel neglected and abandoned. I understand the despair of a broken heart when life takes unexpected turns and one is completely blind sided. I have been there....and taken my own advice.
And I have lived to tell about it...

YOU dear wife, are a cherished & beloved daughter of the King. He does not take lightly to his daughters being mistreated...HE will have your back. HE will exact judgement if needed. You need not.
 
You have more influence as a wife than an ex-wife. YOU protect your children. They need not be aware of marital issues. Pray diligently for protection of their childhood. Speak to them the words of God that define who they are: men of integrity, protectors of women & children, providers for the needy, daughters of the King, all beautiful within etc.

Also, for your own heart, DIG DEEP into God's word about your own identity. DEEP sister. Walk in your royal birthright. Not to be lorded over others, but walk in righteousness & dignity, be above reproach. Walk confidently & securely in the knowledge that God LOVES you & is near to you. You have access to all he has for you...give freely the fruits of the spirit. Walk in peace & AUTHORITY that you have been chosen to be the wife to your husband & mother to your children. NO ONE can pray for your family like YOU are called to.

I love Jer 29:11....but I *especially* love the verses after...yes, God has a plan for you, not to hurt you or harm you, to give you a future & a hope....BUT WHY? SO that you will CALL OUT TO HIM & KNOW that HE is GOD!


Jer 29:12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

Jer 29:13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

For practicality purposes....I would try to speak your husbands love language...whatever that may be. Invite him to run errands w/ you , to watch a movie w/ you, sit by him on the couch...if that is beyond what you feel you are able...ask God to help you love your husband beyond what you are able. Ask God to GIVE you that love for him. He is a broken man, filled w/ mistaken identity, forgetting his true purpose & life God intended for him: (as we all have been) to be a man of high honor & dignity. Remind him....

When you are feeling extra down & discouraged....THINK, as hard as you have to, of ALL the good aspects of your husband. Is he affectionate toward your children? Does he work hard to pay the rent? Is he generous? Whatever it is, make a list, let it grow, indefinitely & refer to it OFTEN!

Source: fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net via Katy on Pinterest

Fresh Priorities

New Year's is such a special time. Everyone feels like it's an opportunity to start fresh. Reflect and reevaluate our lives. What worked? What didn't? What can we change, improve, let go, add more of etc. blah, Blah, BLAH!!!

Here are some great links to check out that I think are fabulous! It's truly about priorities and creating a life that will have an impact, right?

The reason I've specifically chosen the links below is because they are the type of plans and guides that can basically be picked up and started right where you are, regardless of the day or date. No need to play catch-up or think you can't start if it isn't exactly Jan 1st. You can start at ANY time.

What are you waiting for? Get started! :-)

First, I think prayer is the number one life changing act we can participate in, on a daily basis. As wives, it is our responsibility and privilege to lift up our husbands in prayer *daily*.  Here is a free printable prayer guide I absolutely LOVE. You pray each day of the month and then repeat the next month. If you like to write and keep logs you might enjoy this free printable prayer journal that goes along nicely with praying for your Mr.

Children are not forgotten. As mothers, the same obligation applies. And really, what mother DOESN'T call to God each day? Sick kids, explosive diapers or vomit, rainy-stuck-in-the-house-for-3-days anyone?

Here is a free printable prayer calendar of virtues to pray each day for your children. This one is just slightly different and basically the same but I wanted to give you the option.

I print out these calendar pages and store them in my One Year Bible. I LOVE my OYB. Seriously! It makes reading through the Bible so easy. Just start where you are and keep going. Next year, just start over. Personally, having grown up in church, I found it took a good year just to get everyone else's opinions and sermons out of my head while reading. It was so worth it though. Even if you don't have a OYB you can still follow the reading plan. Guess what? There's a free One Year Bible printable schedule for that too!

Of course, decluttering your soul will probably lead to a desire to declutter your life. So here's a link for that too.

This is a great link. A FREE calendar with tasks to do each and every day of the year to keep you DECLUTTERED and on track to enjoying the space you call home. It's absolutely FREE!
A decluttered environment allows creativity to flow freely, thinking to be clear, peace and tranquility.

Hahahaha! Of course NOT! For some reason my mind thinks staying fit is NO fun & lots of boring hard work. However, staying ACTIVE always sounds like fun. I try to avoid *exercise* as much as possible in this life. Honest. But I DO love riding my bike, a lot. I love the outdoors, hiking and {wistful sigh} I even used to love running. I'm not making any promises...but I am determined to be a better pet owner and walk my dogs regularly this year. So far so good!

If you do want to start running, and trust me, you won't regret it, this is the best beginner plan. Really. Hey! No pressure though.

While we're at it....why not create your very own customizable Owl themed calendar? Use card stock to print each months page. Then use a large file clip to hold them together. Flip the ends of the clip upwards to use as a hook to hang on a nail. Easy peasy!

You are beautiful. You are going to have a fabulous year, I just know it! Don't be afraid any longer. You can do this. Relax and CREATE something beautiful. 

Anniversary Adventure 2011

This year (Oct. 3rd) was our 19th wedding anniversary. We didn't have big plans but the Mr. was invited to *work* a Dinner Detective Show at the franchise in SF. (he works the local franchises regularly) We used that opportunity as an excuse to get away & call it an 'anniversary trip'. We had no idea it was also a big marathon weekend!

We survived a slightly tense trek from the airport to the Hotel...once we found it since we exited the subway too early (dejavu' NY!)...we were thrilled upon arrival to discover our reservation had been CANCELLED. Being familiar with adventure we were only  a little bit annoyed. The Mr. needed to start rehearsing w/ the cast he'd never met before so we headed toward the show hotel and confidently thought we'd figure something out once we got there.

The next leg of our trip was interrupted by an Occupy San Francisco protest. It was so strange. We were in a decent area and a few feet over the air and energy changed and suddenly I noticed vagrants, graffiti and abandoned businesses. As we were walking, traffic stopped and a large swarm of people, carrying protest signs and shouting protest slogans, came marching down the street. The hairs on my arms stood on end. On our side of the street a small band of black men shouted anger filled slurs and hate toward the protesters and, it seemed, toward America in general. They shouted things like; "Death to America!" and "America is Dead!" They had a large cardboard sign but I did not want them to think I was staring at them so I was not able to read what was written on it. They were wearing some sort of robes but they did not look clean cut.  On the other side of the street were "Christians" holding large signs referring to the sin of homosexuality. I don't remember exactly what was written on it but their faces...the ones holding the signs, looked very bland. Not approachable at all and easy to ignore--bored maybe? I'm not sure...

We hiked up a big hill (isn't that *all* of SF?), decided to hop onto an over stuffed trolley car and finally arrived to the location of the show and that hotel was sold out--booked solid. I tried to find openings online to no avail. I enjoyed myself anyway, watching the Mr. in action for the show. I'd never seen it before and had a great time. It helped that our friend/franchise owner's girlfriend came along, so we sat next to each other. The show included dinner--that was nice. Our table was filled w/ other friendly guests of the evening. They had a great time and when the show was over and we revealed we were related to the "owner" & "detective"--they were so excited & said that made their night even *better*. (the exact quote was F*^&*#@ AWESOME!)

During the middle of the show I decided to check with the front desk again, tell them our cancellation-sob-story, smile big and beg if necessary. Turns out they had a cancellation but it was a smoking room and even though it was 9:00 pm it was not ready yet. The woman at the counter was nice and gave us a discount. It still ended up being more than we planned since our cancelled reservation was part of a "package". The room was very luxurious and lovely and we were happy with it...especially since our only other option was spending the night in Denny's!

The next day we headed toward the Wharf. We'd been here before a few years ago but for a full weekend--and had a great time. We ate a nice brunch at the Boudin Bakery. The weather was cool but nice. No trip is complete without a walk around Ghiradelli Square and free chocolate samples from the Ghiradelli chocolate shop. We wanted to bring bread, cookies and chocolate back home to everyone BUT we thought the airport still had security rules of no food. We found out too late we were wrong & it's only liquids you can't bring on. :-( We walked around & window shopped---exactly what I said I did NOT want to do. Funny how that works out. The Mr. wanted to see the sea lions...again. I figured once you've seen them--you've SEEN them and had no desire to repeat the experience.

We picked up a few minor souvenirs for the ktbunch back home and before we knew it...it was time to head back to the air port. I was sad to end our trip so soon. We took a longer ride on the trolley car back to Union Square. We had time to check out the grand opening of a museum. It was mainly Japanese art--very interesting sculptures in a style I had never seen before. They looked like giant wax rocks encapsulating a cave inside. Once sign said they were irreplicable. Amazing!

We finally figured out the BART. We were almost to the airport just as a Raider game was finishing. I'd never seen so many fans in one place. It was as if the whole world was dressed in black and silver. The Mr. was so excited to see that. It was a bummer we couldn't have gone to a game...I'm not really sad about that. haha.

We arrived at the airport dutifully on time just to have our flight delayed and delayed again. We almost missed it because they never announced it was even boarding. Good thing for us they DID call us by name over the loud speaker. We were the *last* people to board the plane!

I've come to accept that my life will never go exactly as planned...so it's a good thing we're always up for adventure, no matter what we do. It's what gives my life 'character'....I believe.

When a spouse makes a bad decision...

This particular post was inspired by a recent online conversation so it speaks from the wife's perspective, but I believe it can apply to either spouse. 

There may come a time within a marriage when either spouse makes a really bad, horrible choice or decision. It can be confusing and even tricky to know how to respond.

I am not sure about the idea of *just* trusting God to *provide* if your DH is making a BAD decision. I mean like DH over spends & God is going to provide an extra paycheck or something to cover it.

I tend to think more like: We just might ALL suffer for DH bad decision--if we can't afford it there is no guarantee God is going to just magically make us afford it. We might end up losing the car or something else, ruining our credit etc. However, I TRUST that GOD will use the bad decision, rather, to TEACH DH a lesson, on his own, w/o my help.

& I believe FAMILIES often pay consequences for DH (or DW if it was something she did) mistakes. BUT there is grace & mercy so that the families grow stronger in the end because of it.

I think Christian women need to be aware of this: men make mistakes--sometimes BIG ones--we need to be prepared to weather these storms & allow GOD to work in the hearts, minds & souls of our men, just as He works in OURS. A lesson in graciousness & mercy. How will we respond in the END?

Throw it @ them? Hold a grudge? Or stand beside them, pull up our boot straps & say: ok--here we are--let's work TOGETHER now to figure it out & clean up the mess. kwim?

I think that sends a better message of support & unconditional love--not smiling w/ approval @ things we clearly or strongly disagree w/ but BEING THERE when the time comes to manage the *consequences* w/ grace.

That is what it really means when you *commit* to marriage--you're not just committing to sunshine & flowery days.  You're committing to ups AND downs, highs AND lows. This goes for both parties. If you're thinking about marriage--what you really need to consider is IF you are willing to weather (& grow from) the storms and disappointments, just as much as your willing to enjoying the Spring times.

You have your whole life to work it out

A friend made that statement to me recently & it resonated so strongly.  I don't think it's a surprise to anyone, for me to mention my marriage has suffered from some serious issues in the past. Sometimes the residual effects still break the surface.

I began to feel discontent and hopeless about this.  I thought if only these issues were resolved....if only we could resolve this...things could be good if only...I found myself ignoring the present, waiting, waiting, waiting for some mysterious future of resolution.

It dawned on me that resolution may not be a destination, but a process. I was wasting time wanting to push through a process, and in the meantime unable to enjoy the current present reality.  What pressure, huh?  When your dealing with relationships, you are dealing with so many variables at any given moment.  An entire other person with a different perspective, point of view and way of processing.

All my waiting was robbing me of simply being and enjoying.  Marriage, like life itself, is a constantly evolving journey. Each person in the marriage, IS constantly experiencing, changing, discovering.

If there are issues, allow the Father, time and nature to move within hearts to change and reveal.  No need to rush or push.  As I stepped back from the idea and inner need to have everything wrapped up all tidy, I suddenly felt free.  Free to enjoy my marriage and husband even more. Perhaps this was acceptance? Unconditional love, maybe? No enforcement of my own will or ideas of how things should be or look like. Simply being.

In the end, it's true....we do have our whole lives to work it out.

I can't emphasize enough...

...how *important*, nay ESSENTIAL, to be IN prayer daily for & over your family & your husband!!!

YOU are HIS wife--it is your duty, responsibility & privilege to cover him in prayer like NO OTHER woman can do!

Things have been going well for us & admittedly, I had been slacking off on my prayer coverage.

Well, things went maddenly & unexpectedly down hill first thing this morning. I won't go into the extraneous details but the mini-crisis looked hopeless & I could *foresee* no solution.  I was near 'bout a wreck!

Anyway...I have a prayer partner/friend, another wife & mom & we meet EVERY Monday to pray for our families etc. SO I felt like I really had NO other option--& definitely no BETTER option, but to head on over to her house & gather together & PRAY my heart out.  It seemed like we were praying for hours but IDK how long it really was...but God was so faithful & gracious & while we neared the end of our prayers a solution & reconciliation was initiated LIKE WE HAD JUST PRAYED FOR!!!!

Peace & unity were restored to our household. PTL!!!

Please take my advice & what I consider wise words & DO NOT neglect the diligent prayer over your chillers & husband. AS WELL AS, seeking God first in all things, *especially* moments of crisis.

He is a God of harmony, reconciliation, endurance and encouragement. Be sure of it. ;)

Here are some prayer guides:

31 days of praying for your husband

In calender Form--{a different one}to pray for your DH

31 Biblical virtues to pray for your children

In calender Form--prayers to say for your children

These are great places to start. I have seen wonderful changes in my marriage when I am faithfully following the daily prayer guides. Another friend that I introduced to it, reported the same praise report.

Of course you are not limited to the prayers on the guides but they are a good way to begin your prayer. ;)

Identity & Forgiveness Part 2

No one wants to be continuously reminded when they have done something wrong.  They feel like the other person has something over on them--they are afraid it will be hanging over their head forever,right? 

The victim can walk in grace & mercy, reminding the offender that their sin does not define who they are either.   They can walk confidently in forgiveness, knowing their transgressions have been washed away by the sacrifice of Christ---forever.

Often, an 'offender' may feel as if they are forever 'under' the label of their transgression, they will always be remembered as, "the one who did _________", or "the insert label of transgression here". 

Going back to the Word of God, just as the 'victim', there is freedom.  Christ does not recognize us as our transgression.    Psalm 103:12 as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.  He sees us just as he created us, fearfully and wonderfully made.

If an offender becomes defensive it is usually due to mistaken identity, feeling as if they are only seen as the sum of their sins.  A 'victim' can graciously remind the 'offender' that they are loved and forgiven. 

Although we are humans striving to be like Christ--we are not Christ.  Healing must occur, which only God can do. I believe one way He heals us is through his Word, reminding us of who we truly are.  Saturate yourself, in His Holy Word! His breathe, allow Christ to breathe your identity into you, even on a moment by moment basis, the breathe of life!

Both part 1 & part 2 are more for those relationships that we are involved in on a daily basis, like the marital one.  Some offenses do not require continued contact. For those relationships that we truly desire reconciliation, I believe it all boils down to identity.  When we know our true identity in Christ, forgiveness is a natural byproduct.

Identity & Forgiveness Part 1

I have heard enough sermons about *forgiveness*.  Usually they focus on the mandate that we *must* forgive.  I can't remember ever hearing about the offender's part in making amends.

I did some Bible searching.  It has a bit to say about making amends.  I think so often, these days, the emphasis is put on the one who has been offended to do the forgiving and the idea of making amends is over looked.  Why? I have even heard this psycho-politically-correct idea of forgiving yourself.

I believe the offender can actually HELP the one they have offended. I believe making amends actually aids in the healing & forgiving process.

When a 'victim' (for lack of a better word) is so deeply affected by an offense committed against them---I believe it can be traced back to a lack of proper identity.  When a 'victim' realizes their true identity, in Christ, the offense is not part of who they are & healing can happen leading to true forgiveness. 

I believe the offender can help by understanding that when anger is shown, it is the victims way of revealing their hurt or the wound that is still there, unhealed, caused by the offense.  The offender is not held captive by their offense because they have realized their own true identity as well.  They know they are no longer the "offender"-in Christ their sins are forgotten.

The victim needs help remembering who they truly are too--they are no longer the "victim" but are a beautiful creation of God. In those moments, the offender would do well to respond in loving kindness to the one they have hurt--remind the one you love how much you DO love them, admit they did NOT deserve to be mistreated---why? simply because they are a child of GOD!

to be continued.....

I had a the cutest pair of pink suede shoes...

I *loved* them.. They looked exactly like my black ones, but they were pink. I wore them all the time. But suddenly, I found myself reaching down & taking one off & throwing it, w/ all the angry force I could muster. It didn't hit my target but landed pathetically a few feet in front of me. Making me all the more angrier I took off the other one & threw that one too...*IT* landed in a large bush, way off target & wouldn't be found for months!!!

I was in the middle of living a nightmare that I could not escape from. For all of you married or hope to be married people, I'm here to tell you that there might be a time when reality slaps you in the face like a freight train & all your hopes, dreams & foundations RUN YOU OVER!

16 & a half years ago when I signed that marriage certificate, wearing my pretty dress, {yes the sleeves were a bit *poofy* but hey, it was appropriate for a 'fly girl' in 1992}, I was filled w/ wonderful fantasies of a wonderful life & most of all, a great marriage. I *never* once could have imagined I'd be sacrificing my favorite pair of pink suede shoes, across my lawn, in the direction of my husband!!!

There may come a moment when the foundation you have based your truth on is tested & I ask...will it stand up? Is your truth based on your fantasies? Is it based on your emotions? Is it based on your *own* hopes & dreams? Cause there is only ONE truth that can be tested & will survive.....I was in that place & had to reexamine what I was going to *choose* to stand on.

God's word tells us of a *great mystery* {Eph 5:32}, the *two become one flesh*. {Mat 19:5, Mar 10:8} Can any of you, if I cut your body in half--still live? Can you still function normally if someone cuts your body down the middle? Of course not. But God's word says when 2 people get married they are ONE. SO how can you function w/o your *other half*?

God' word also states: what God has joined, let no man separate. {Mat 19:6, Mar 10:9} How does that work? Did *I* *really* believe that? Was my foundation based on God's truth or one of my own creation? Was I going to let someone else separate me from my H? Was I going to let my H try to separate us? Was *I* going to separate what I believed God had joined together?

How much did I trust God? How much did I trust His actual Word to be true? I had a choice to make...I knew I wanted the *for better* part of my marriage vows...but this *for worse* part---let's be honest, it was really beginning to SUCK!

I chose to trust God & His Word. I wasn't even sure what that was going to look like. I was heart broken, I was angry beyond words (thus the flying shoes) & I was unsure of my future & the future of my marriage & family. But I knew that I knew that I knew that I trusted God & His will for my life. I knew what His word said, I knew my DH & I were *one* & I knew I *meant* my vows when I took them.

I stepped back & began to look @ my life as God might be seeing it. I looked @ my marriage in the way I believed God saw it. I was able to step back & STOP everything. Stop *trying* to reason, stop trying to *convince*, stop trying to control the situation. I just *stopped*.

I began to realize that not only was I the wife of this man, but as we have been taught, I was the Bride of Christ. My body was *not* my own to do w/ as I please {1Cr 7:4}. If Christ was my H, I had no right to simply do as *I* wanted but as Christ wanted. Back to His Word, His truth, His foundation. UNless I stood on the rock of HIS foundation, His Word, there was NO way I was going to get through this nightmare.

I had no right to end my marriage based on my feelings or my own comfort, because my body belonged to Christ alone. I could only do what HE wanted me to do. I knew that He hated divorce. I considered all my options. I knew I could *be* a single mom. I knew I *could make it* but what did GOD *want* me to do.

I stepped back & allowed God to work within my own heart as well as MY H. I trusted Christ to do the *work* that needed to be done. I stopped trying to make MY way happen. I stopped trying to accomplish things in *my* time frame.

Suddenly I felt peace. Anger subsided....No there was never an *easy* moment. But I was not devastated. I was not dead. I was impatient. I wanted what I wanted & I wanted it NOW. I had to wait on God' timing to turn things around. Like a friend mentioned last week, I surrounded myself w/ Christian friends who would support me in doing what God wanted & waiting on God's timing. Not the world's idea of a contractual marriage, but God's ideal of a covenental marriage...

I trusted God to do the healing within my own heart as well as my H. I knew it would be work. I knew it would be painful...for a time. But I was willing to trust God @ His word & trust his healing power.

When I began to listen to God, I was able to see things more through God's eyes & to see how He saw me. My heart began to open to compassion, to see my own H as this hurting & wounded man. I began to look beyond my own pain & see his. And could then relate how God could see me. God had never divorced me nor attempted too. God had never left me when I had offended him, when I turned my back on him. Christ, when I didn't even know how much I had offended him, stayed on that cross & asked God to forgive me. {Luk 23:34}

...to be continued.