Practiced Silence

 I feel like I've been fighting against silence my entire life.

When an older boy invited a few of us 1st grade girls to sit on his lap on the swing and then put his fingers in our underwear--I pretended to fall off of him, without a word. I told my mom...and I think another little friend who said he did the same thing to her. I think we told a few other girls to stay away from him. Our teacher told us not to tell anyone else because then those people would tell others and eventually so many people would know. My mom told the authorities at the school immediately and I *think* I remember having to repeat it to police? But I could be remembering wrong. The boy had to leave the school.

Later, I was told my dad was not my biological dad. I did not realize what it really meant for my heart and soul. That is when the lies of my heart and fragmenting of my identity began because from that moment on--I was NOT who I SAID I was. I thought I was 'brown' but I wasn't. When I was a teen, I wanted more information and my mom refuse to tell me anything. She said she was not ready. Again, silence. I was forced to carry the burden of her secret and that was unfair.

Between there somewhere, I was getting groped by a close member of the family. I don't remember when it started but I had decided I had to take care of myself. I handled it, in silence. Unfortunately, as a kid, I would sometimes forget again, and there he was. Always ready for me to forget and walk by too close. 

It all came out when I started triggering with a boy friend in high school. I was fine the entire summer we spent making out. I broke the silence but...it accomplished nothing. He was allowed back in our family's life. An even closer family member, swears he molested his daughter. I was told she admitted it. But so? Nothing changed except if he was around, we all acted as if he wasn't. We blocked him out in silence...until he just faded away. He's still here. He even spent years coaching girls sports. Everyone practiced the silence now. For who's benefit? At what cost? 

I verbally fought with my mom a lot in high school. I felt this rage inside--I think it was the silence trying to escape--fighting for a way out. I was never known for 'being quiet'. I was sassy as heck. Always my 'mouth' that 'got me in trouble.' But so many words I wasn't allowed to express. 'Why didn't you protect me?' came out as 'I HATE YOU!'

Let me not forget the moment I was told a female can not be a pastor. Because the Bible says. That's the verdict. No debate, no question. Women are not allowed to speak...in the church. 
But the marriage. The marriage provided the strongest silencing influence. There are still events I have never shared aloud and I don't know if I ever will...or can. But mostly, my voice is returning. It's not raging anymore. It's controlled and assertive, or written...mostly.

"If You Don't Respect Your Husband..."

"...he will never come back," the prayer partner told her, after she had tearfully and vulnerably shared about incidents of abuse she had experienced.

"Well...don't provoke him," the pastor's wife said when she asked for prayer, looking for guidance, explaining the fear and confusion over his growing volatility toward her.

"You know...sometimes things get out of hand. Next time, maybe just take a walk, until things cool down between the both of you," was the first response she ever heard, from the assistant pastor--that time she felt afraid because he threw something at her...then pulled the phone cord out of the wall so she couldn't call anyone for help.

The moment he started telling his side, she knew there was nothing she could say otherwise. She sat on the corner of the couch across the room from both of them, staring at the floor, fighting the tears as they laughed lightheartedly, changing the subject. Defeated.

Dismissed.
Discounted.
Denial.

The "non-believer" told her, "Yah, just get the f*** out!" By then though, she was understanding, forgiving, he was under a lot of stress, they just needed to leave until he came to his senses, used to making excuses for him. 

These were pivotal points, defining moments, in her marriage and life when she reached out. She was looking for help, not condemnation. She didn't need more guilt, shame and blame.

She was young, impressionable and lacking any confidence she had come into the marriage with. What did she know? She didn't even know what abuse was--as she obviously couldn't recognize it as it was happening to her. That's not something that would or could happen to her. She wasn't the type of person something like that happens to. She would never be involved with someone like that.

How many times does it need to be said, to be taken seriously? How early does a concern need to be voiced, before it is believed? Obviously, if it was that bad, she would have left, or at least mentioned it, sooner. Of course.

How bad is that bad?

One time, she did go the police. However, the threat she reported was not accompanied by an actual plan as to how that threat would be accomplished...so there was nothing they could do. Years later, a plan would be admitted, verbalized. She was too shocked to do anything. Like all those who had dismissed her voice, she was now just like them. She discounted her own voice and concerns. Her own brain had bought into all the other voices.

The loudest voice, smiling when he spoke gently now, "You know I didn't mean it. People say things like that when they are mad."

No. People don't sometimes lose control.
No.  It has nothing to do with respecting a husband or not.
No. A lack of self control needs no provocation.

But don't make him look bad. This is a private matter.

Yes, yes it was a private matter. Perhaps that's exactly why it happened.

Boundaries For Love = Self-Control

"This is not a good time to talk. I don't know what to think. I think you should leave. I am not in a good place right now. This is not a good time." My heart was racing, my hands trembling as I tried to concentrate on keeping my arms from appearing to flail wildly while I spoke.

The Mr. had shown up at the door unexpectedly yesterday, to do some damage control with our kids after we were all exposed to some hurtful information about him. He refused to leave...

Everything escalated after that, though I believe none of us truly wanted it to. I don't regret anything I said, because I spoke truth but I was too frustrated and wasted too many words that were not received and didn't want to be heard. Pearls to swine...

I am still figuring out the whole healthy boundaries and relational health 'thing'. It doesn't come naturally to me yet.

While I feel and one could say my husband didn't respect my boundary-the truth is, I didn't. It's always about self control. I could have (and should have) removed *myself* from the situation.

I also realized I have done the same thing my husband did many times...He has expressed in tense moments, that he didn't want to talk-and while there was some rejection and avoidance at play there, it never went well nor did it build trust to not respect the limit he was trying to convey.

Controlling ourselves with boundaries is not meant as punishment or emotional manipulation like the 'silent treatment'. It's meant to preserve our love and prevent damage to relationship.

My path to healing and relational health involves leading my children along this path with me. The Mr. ended up giving them permission and respecting their desire for 'space' (a healthy boundary) after yesterday's upset. The middles long for relationship with their dad but not at the cost of their own emotional health, well being and personal value system. They have decided they are OK talking on the phone to him when he calls but not hanging out with him.

When we create space, teach our children their worth which includes valuing their feelings, how to adequately manage them and use self control, they can then feel confident to recognize and stand up for their own boundaries/limits and learn to safely disengage from mistreatment.

We were able to convey that we all love, respect and forgive my husband and he is free to continue on this negative path along with the consequences of that choice, which includes a lack of intimate and close relationship with us, his family. He did not like that nor want it, he wants it *all* with out consequence...but surprisingly, so far, he accepted their decision. He also tried to reassure *them* of his love, though his actions convey only *self love*. We all accepted his choice as well.

We all, including the Mr, looked a bit battle worn today. The Mr was subdued and possibly remorseful and humbled as he came to get the kids. Only the 5yo went with him. I suspect this is affecting him, as in the past he would have approached arrogantly and upbeat, as if nothing had happened.

Sigh.

Keep pursuing healthy love and healing.

Like Old Times

It could have almost felt like old times if not for that last moment the Mr. walked around the table giving each individual kid a kiss and hug with an 'I Love You,' before he left to return to work...stopping short to offer a 'see you later' in MY direction. 

He specifically asked what our plans were for S's birthday yesterday...and asked if we could meet him for lunch so he could see Sam on is birthday since he might have to work late, missing his 'visitation' (gosh how I despise that word!). He forgot Sam's birthday card so he also asked me to take them all by his work so he could give it to him. I stayed in the car but I knew he would walk the kids back out anyway, to say goodbye.

I maintained my SELF. As it's sometimes confusing to know just how to behave in these unknown situations, isn't it? So I smiled and listened to him talk about his morning at work...I keep the appropriate guard over my own heart until it's time to 'awaken love' per God's instructions in Song of Solomon. 

'...and they all enjoyed their lunch, as if they were an ordinary, happy family, on an ordinary, summer day...as their smiles hid the invisible ache of their hearts.'

Happy Birthday

He was our 1st restoration baby, though I didn't know he would be the 'first'. I was so unsure of trusting my husband again...our oldest was 7.5 by the time this second son was born...I can STILL remember being in our new home, back together and feeling so self-conscious...

"Come sit by me," he called from the living room. I felt like I should finish the dishes first to keep every thing clean the way he liked, trying to impress...

He wanted me to spend time with him, sit with him...I walked over and he pulled me down on his lap. I always loved sitting on his lap.

He wanted us to grow our family. Maybe we were finally ready. I expected it would happen so quickly like our first. It took 10 disappointing months. We didn't find out the gender. Oldest son prayed for and was sure it would be a boy.

We changed his name at the last minute...as I read about Hannah, from the Bible. The Mr wanted to use his grandfather's name, as our child's middle name. I did not like the name Angel but I said ok if he would let me have the name Samuel. We agreed. 

We started attending a new church. We were moving forward and every day we were further away from the past. I met another mom in the church cry room with a daughter the same age as our Samuel...she was a single mother... her daughter's father, which was now her past, was a married man.

There we were. The place where broken people go to be restored, healed, and transformed. Bringing our broken pieces, broken lives, broken hearts, along with the hope we carried in and birthed from our womb.

Here we are. He's 14 today. My heart is filled with the bittersweet sighs of yesterday and the longing for the uncertain hope for tomorrow.

Nice vs Love

"Sometimes he acts like he loves you and sometimes he doesn't!" My daughter said, mirroring my own frustration with her father, my estranged husband.

A red flag went up, activating my mother's intuition and internal warning system. "In what ways does he act loving?" I asked, as questions began to riddle my brain. What impression had I been giving my 11yo daughter about love? What had I been teaching her? Was the behavior she had been witnessing between her father and I, an adequate and accurate description of love?

"Well, he comes and hangs out sometimes, he gives you a hug sometimes and he's nice sometimes..." her voice trailed off.

Is that all she will look for and expect of her own future husband? Is 'being nice sometimes' all it will take to convince her that she is loved? A vision bomb went off and the internal veil of neediness and codependency was lifted. Hopefully, it wasn't too late to be honest with her...and myself.

"Honey, that isn't love, that is just being nice. Lots of people may be nice to you, but that doesn't mean they love you. A mommy and daddy that love each other hold hands, they sit next to each other and snuggle while they watch movies-not on opposite sides of the room. Husbands don't get up and walk away every time their wife tries to sit next to them. And most of all, they don't live in separate homes. Yes, your daddy IS nice to me sometimes, but being nice doesn't equal love...it's just being nice."

I went on to share some of Corinthians definition of love with her.

We must be honest with ourselves here. If we claim God's standard for our lives, this includes being honest, whatever the painful cost. What a disservice we do to our children if we're lowering love to the definition of being nice.

Love is sacrificial. Nice is not. I can't in good conscious, allow my daughter to grow up believing, just because a guy remembers  and brings her a favored candy, that it means he LOVES her. Love is faithful. I can't continue to act grateful and praise God that my husband brings me a bag of peanut m&m's while he goes every night to share an apt with someone else. What a gross misrepresentation and abuse of God's love and the standard He set forth in His Word.

Being nice is a common and basic form of human decency. There is nothing special about that. It is the lowest and most base expectation one can have of other humans we share this planet with.

I am keeping my vows, sacrificially, and that is an example of divine love. How dare we equate a move of God with common behavior as 'being nice'. What a devilish deception to embrace such dysfunction and call it a name of God, such as LOVE!

I will praise God for being God. I will pray for strength to continue to really love my husband, as defined in His word. What I won't do and I believe, must repent from, is being dishonest and calling or representing such deplorable behavior, as 'love'. Lying and telling myself, "My husband loves me, see, because he was *nice* to me today." No, that is untruth. All my husband was really doing, was being nice.

Being nice is selfish and has it’s own agenda. Love...divine love, which can only occur if the Spirit of God dwells within you, is selfless and seeks to gain nothing in return. Nothing. Love does not abuse others...or one's self. Let's embrace God's truth...and emotional health...and pray from that place of power...not from our dysfunctional weakness. ‪

February was Sweet!

Early in the month I saw this picture and kept going back to it. So much, that I made it my cover pic on Facebook. I'm not exactly sure why, except I hold so many wonderful memories of Disneyland in my heart...combined with the declaration it seemed to be  making--it felt almost prophetic to me. A couple weeks later my husband informed me that he had finagled a way to take the younger set (3/4) of our kids with him to Disneyland. I was almost jealous! I prayed about it and left it in the Lord's hands. It turns out he was able to finagle us all entry into the park, compliments of a generous friend, who works there.

It was an extremely crowded day but I didn't even realize it. I was shocked when I learned just how crowded it really was. A friend told me, the main parking structure and entrance to the Downtown Disney lots were blocked because they were so full. Patrons were being directed to a remote lot, that required taking a complimentary shuttle back to the park! (we arrived before the lots were full) My kids were so great though. They were patient and appreciative, didn't complain at all. It really showed me how much my patience and tolerance levels have really grown too because I didn't even feel irritated by the crowds. .

We were able to go to California Adventure too. It's been a few years since we've paid 'The Big D' a visit and so much has changed. We saw the Aladdin show, one of our favorites. Kurtis fell asleep right as it started though! There wasn't much time to see or do anything else before we headed back to catch the fireworks. They ended up being cancelled due to wind and weather conditions but we still got to catch Fantasmic and ride Indiana Jones before we left.

I was a bit nervous about the day. I'll be honest, being a 'wife-in-limbo' is very taxing, mentally, spiritually and especially emotionally. I try to stay true to who I am, in all matters... It was a nice treat for the ktbunch and I was happy to be a part of this day and watch them enjoy themselves. Kurtis was even chosen to participate in the Jedi Training Academy show and he loved it. I think the kids and I had a great time and it was a blessing over all. Life can be bittersweet. I choose to intentionally stay focused on the sweet. 

Showing Respect Toward the Separated Husband

There are times, of course, when it feels easier to respect your husband. Such as when he is being loving, is well rested and polite, meeting your needs and being understanding. I know first hand how challenging it can be when your life and marriage are not living up to even basic expectations. Or worse–you are estranged or separated from your husband and he isn’t exactly behaving respectable.

 …and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33 b

We know this verse. Most wives do. I knew it but my understanding was limited. My filters and guard were very high and leery of this verse. I didn’t trust it. I mean isn’t respect earned? If I give it freely, well, it won’t be valued right? *I* won’t be valued!

Read more as I pray for you and share at Intentionally Yours today...

Vomit is worth it

Splash. Wretch. Splatter. Those were the sounds I heard coming from the hallway right before midnight.
Maybe it's the dog?

It wasn't. It was my 13 year old vomiting a puddle of spaghetti at least a foot in diameter. No lie. Exactly two weeks earlier it had been my 11 year old...except she made it the four extra steps to the restroom.

What glory and honor is there, kneeling on the hard wooden floor, using an entire load of freshly washed towels and a bottle of vinegar, to mop up regurgitated spaghetti? Alone. I didn't sign up for this. 
I signed up for the 'till death do us part' part. 'In sickness and in health.' I never agreed to have and raise four kids on my own. I'm not even a single parent...I'm just parenting alone.

The vomit splatter reaches beyond the foot wide puddle. It goes past the living room door, up along the walls...pretty sure vomit juice made it down into the floor heater. I pile the towels one by one, in an attempt to not make any bodily contact what so ever with the foulness. The entire load goes right back into the washer. While I'm wiping the baseboards, might as well hit the doors and door frames since I'm down there anyway. Right?

I meant the vows I made. They don't lose meaning just because half of the 'us' that made them decides they do. This half-my half-meant them and that hasn't changed. They are still valuable. I make them valuable because I still honor them. I hold them as honorable. I maintain the integrity of marriage and my commitment to it every day.

It wasn't for nothing then and it's not for nothing now. If no one else stands for marriage or my marriage, I still do. If no one else is going to clean up the vomit, I will. Alone if I have to. I'm here. I'm wiping the tears. I'm handling the hard questions and the emotions that come with it. I'm raising children to love and forgive. I'm invested. I made a commitment and even if I am the only one sticking to it--I continue to do so.

Dear wounded momma, sister, and wife,

It's worth it. It's valuable. Even when you're the only one kneeling on that hard wood floor, sopping up sour garlic scented chunks of something, it counts. You matter and He sees you.

Love,
Someone Who Really Understands.

Small Acts of Humility

My husband is knocking on the door a little after 8am. (in our house, we don't even recognize that time.
haha) I jump up out of bed, open the door and greet him with an awkward, morning smile. He forgot his jacket the night before and I forgot, he said he'd come by in the morning before work, to get it.

"Do you have a wash cloth?" He has something all over the bottom side of his dress/work slacks. Pizza sauce or something.

I get a warm, damp wash cloth, kneel down and begin to wipe it clean for him. I'm there, below him, on my knees. What a humble position this is. {like washing feet} I wanted to do this, serve him. My identity has grown and become secure in Christ that I did not feel inconvenienced or devalued, by this small act of service--that some might say this man does not deserve. He simply appreciated my help.

I literally, began my day, kneeling on a wood floor--maybe it means something. Perhaps, there is more honor than I have understood, in starting our day with such humility...instead of the attitude of: all we are going to conquer  or have to do.

And maybe, taking the lowly position, is the way we will conquer in the end.

The Unfairness of Grace part 2: Extravagant Injustice

Grace is unfair

So you tell me; My spouse has left, running around with someone new, living the high life. Suddenly, extreme grace doesn't look so attractive anymore. Maybe it’s not revenge, exactly…but hey, some form of payment would be nice. Ok, let’s call it a “consequence.” Surely, God won’t let them get away with hurting ME like this. Will He?

I’ve been in those moments, of being more concerned with having my hurt validated than by trusting and watching the amazing power of grace. How can you forgive something like that? How can you forgive it again? How many times are you going to go through this?

Injustice: Grace blesses your enemies

The truth is, I can’t forgive anything. God can. He did. He is the one who sacrificed, not me. That is grace. I don’t have to wish ill upon my spouse or anyone else. In fact, the Bible clearly instructs us to BLESS our enemies and not to curse them. If consequences were so important, why would God ask us to bless our enemies? Bless the source of our pain and heart ache? Bless those that curse us?

Posting over at Intentionally Yours today...Read More.

21 Years

I awoke to the feeling of nothing.
This is good.
He called. I knew he wouldn't ask for me. I fell back to sleep, I think. Waking a second time to nothing.
It began to creep up on me. I tried to focus on my mental check-list of tasks I could accomplish for the day. The phone was ringing again.  Our four year old came to me with it.
"Daddy wants to talk to you."
"Are you sure?" He has a new habit of making things up.
"Yes."
I took a very deep breath and said a silent prayer. Of what, I don't know. He shared some logistics about the kids. I had my civil, non-emotional persona on and gave short, curt answers. Maybe he's forgotten. That might be best.
"Uh...well, this feels a little awkward but...Happy Anniversary." He remembered.
Here it is. The tears burst forth. I sniffled.
"Ok...bye."
"Bye," I whispered. I laid back down,
burying my head under my blankets.

There was an email later. Two paragraphs. Two paragraphs long, which was more than I had gotten in nearly as many years. It wasn't mean. I'm sure he might have even thought it was kind, if he thought anything about it at all. Unexpressed implications filled the white spaces on the screen. My heart felt it much deeper than last year.

21 years was worth two paragraphs. That might possibly be more than a standard Hallmark. Two paragraphs worth 21 years. 21 years, four children and three separations later, our marriage is old enough to drink.

I responded in the only way I had left in me to respond; I didn't.

I surrender. 

How to Speak Life Into Your Dead Marriage

I throw that ‘Speak Life‘ phrase around a lot…this is something that I’ve only begun to understand and develop as a discipline, within the last year. Is your marriage seemingly dead?

The Bible assures us that our words and the language we use are VERY powerful. It affects our perspective, our outlook, our attitude, the very direction our brain physically fires up!

The Bible also warns us to ‘take every thought captive’ and to ‘think of what is good, pure, Holy etc…’ Going so far as to even state that the POWER of LIFE and DEATH is in our TONGUE! If our words were not powerful…God would not have written those scriptures for us to take heed to. Find verses about husbands, wives, family and declare those aloud on behalf of yourself, your spouse and your family daily! The POSITIVE ones, not the curses!

Read more, as I'm guest posting over at Intentionally Yours today....

Stop Defending Yourself

The straw that broke the camel’s back when my husband and I finally separated this last time, if I’m honest, was me telling him to leave.  I didn’t ask, we didn’t discuss it, I made a decision and enforced it upon him.

The entire time we have been separated, I justified my decision based on behavior he was exhibiting at the time. I can give you a run-down of all my reasons, which would basically sound like this:

He did this…
He was doing that…
Well, he…and he…then he….so I…

Read more...I'm sharing at Intentionally Yours today...

Your Marriage Won't Save You

It can’t. Your spouse won’t save you either. They aren’t your savior.  We are often told, “You can’t save your spouse, only Jesus can.” This is true.

Then we turn right around and behave as if all our concerns, hurts, worries, childhood issues, wounds, sadness, depression, and loneliness will be magically cured if only…our marriage was restored, our spouse came home or just did this or that. Right? If you could save your spouse or them you, if your marriage could save you both…there would be no need for Christ, no need for His death.

Read more...sharing over at Intentionally Yours today...

My Two Dads: A Double Portion

As I pray for restoration of one area in my life, I am reminded of how much God desires restoration in all areas of our lives.  Before my husband and I separated, over a year ago, I had not set foot in my dad’s house for three years. After my mother (the love of his life) died, he remarried. It was not a good situation and my brothers and I became estranged from my dad. We rarely saw him, which was a complete change of how close we used to be as a family.

When I started this restoration journey for my own marriage and family, I began to see God work in all the other fractured parts of my life. Soon after my husband and I separated, my dad re-entered our lives.  I hadn’t even realized what a profound affect this was having in my heart and marriage. As my heart was filled with love from a father to a daughter, I felt myself begin to ‘grow up’.  As I began to experience healing in this area, I was able to begin to relate to my husband less as the ‘wounded little girl’ and more as a ‘grown woman and wife’.  As my relationship with my earthly father improved, so did my understanding of my Heavenly Father.

Read more...Sharing at Intentionally Yours today.

When Your Marriage and Family Need a Prayer...and When They Don't

Dear Lord, we affirm that this is the day YOU have made and we will rejoice and be glad in it. We affirm, as You have created us one flesh with our spouse, that every word prayed for us--is for them, and every word prayed for them, is for us. May You honor and answer these prayers we lift before You.

We come before You, pressing in to find refuge in the shadow of YOUR wings. We walk in a new way--the way of surrender. Lord, we choose to intentionally cast all our cares and burdens to You. YOUR yoke is easy and Your burden is light. We commit to saying this every time a negative thought or worry crosses our mind. Lord Your Word states that you will fight for us and we need only to be still. We walk in Your peace that passes understanding.

Lord--we choose to trust YOU. We commit to repeating this every time we are confused or things don't appear to be going well. Lord, we will not lean on our own understanding. We will lean on You.

We will take every thought captive and meditate on Your Word. We will taste and see that the Lord is good because we choose to eat the bread of life. Lord, help us to fend off temptation--to run from it. Lord, may Your shield be about us. We run for safety to You as a strong tower. This day belongs to You and has been ordained as Holy because You are holy.

You have prepared the way for us. The narrow way that leads to you. When we face trouble today, we will run to You. You are for us! Lord--continue to work all things for our good.

We do not give in to the enemy but we surrender our will to Yours. We will stand fast and hold our position--not moving to the right or the left with out a word from You. We declare Your goodness, grace and mercy. We allow You to work in and through our lives. We hold lightly to the things of this world, knowing it shall all rot, turn to dust and pass away.

We lift up hurting marriages everywhere and pray for healing. We pray for Your love to reign supreme. We pray every knee will bow and tongue confess that You alone are God. You are God of heaven and earth. May your will be done on Earth AS it is done in Heaven.

Lord-Your word says we will decree a thing and it will be. We declare healing for relationships. We declare healing for hurting hearts. We declare husbands that love the wife of their youth and praise her name and call her blessed. We declare wives that respect and honor their husbands. We declare children honor their parents and have long lives.

Bless our marriages and relationships today. Bless our enemies. May we be a blessing to You Lord and those we come in contact with today. Go before us and open the right doors for us. We desire all that You have for us.

We will apply all these characteristics to You God. We will love you, honor and respect You, so that we too may have a long life. You are our kinsmen redeemer. In You we place our trust, our heart, our concerns and even our disappointments. You turn ashes into beauty, restore all that has been taken, turn our mourning into dancing and our tears into laughing. YOU are the God who sees and hears. Thank You God for being all that You say You are. In Jesus perfect name, Amen!

God is good!!!
  

Vows are for failures

...in sickness & in health, in good times & bad, for better and for worse, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part? Well, those were the vows I took and I meant them. I've surrounded myself with others who've supported and challenged me to keep those vows-not those who would disrespect me by disrespecting my word, my promise that I gave...I respect my vows, my self and my marriage. I wasn't joking, I didn't take it lightly. 

I was asked, invited, to be my husband's wife-I made a choice and freely and willingly agreed...and in doing so, I gave my commitment and stand by it and for it. I haven't remained married for over 20 years by taking my word lightly!!

Love, commitment, marriage, family and vows--aren't about being perfect. Exactly opposite. It's about loving in spite of disappointment. Keeping your word is about being someone your family can trust and depend on in the really hard, deep dark, moments. It's about grace for others and for yourself when you know you've failed big time and made a mess of things. It's about asking for help and being willing to give it. It's about faith in something bigger than just yourself or your own point of view. It's about starting right where you are--to be the person you vowed to be--to and for others.

It's about second and third and fourth chances. It's about forgiving, freely. About making a choice to do better, be better, to not give up-even if you 'feel' like it. Believing in love that is real because you choose to love not only because you think you feel it or not. I also vowed to love, cherish, respect, honor and forsake all others. That was the first part of the vow I made. The first part, is independent of the second part. I did not make a vow of fidelity and commitment based only on whether I was cherished, protected or loved...I made a vow of commitment, independently of the way I was treated. Independent of anyone else's behavior. I made a vow that I desired (and still desire) to keep.

I can tell you---with 20 years behind me--LOVE IS what you MAKE, not what you FALL for!

Let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up. Galations 6:9

None of us will ever perfectly maintain the first part of our vows, which is why I believe the second part of the vow was created and necessary. If we're honest, we will fail miserably at times. It's not only in good times, but a vow for bad times, poor times, a vow for the worst times. Maybe that is really it: vows are for failures...just like grace. I thought I made a vow in confidence that I could maintain the first part...never expecting my own failures would be why my vow included the second part.

We need vows because we will fail.

So come, let's make a covenant, you and I, and it will be a witness to our commitment. Genesis 31:44

A witness to our commitment.

Remember your covenant promises, for the land is full of darkness and violence! Psalm 74:20

Two halves Make a Whole

I'm a quarter of the way down the pier when I turn around. It's not enough to just look down at the water any more.

I head to the sand. I'm not dressed for the beach. I'm dressed for a California day in Feb while it's still winter. Jeans and a light V-neck pull over sweater.  The wind is chilly though the sun is shining.

The shoes are off. I have to get in the water. The tide is low. I can walk half the length of the pier before my ankles are wet. The sand holds ripples of black and gold. I could pan for it. I could gather and collect it all--if I was a fool.

Did my mother walk this beach? The sand her feet touched has probably been swept to the bottom of the ocean by now. The sand she was lying on when she thought she was cool and told some boys she was an 'extra' in the movie Jaws.

Broken and scattered shells compete for my attention among the sandy ripples of gold. I don't want the broken ones. I don't want a dull one. I only want a bright, intact orange one. Though I know it won't be as bright once it leaves the beach, it's ocean home. It was meant to be appreciated from under the cover of the sea, where it looks the loveliest.

I search for something else. Is it possible? God can you give me this? Can you make this sign for me?

I need to leave. It's getting later. Do I have time? I know this is ridiculous but I keep searching among the remnants of the sea. My hand is cold and getting numb from rinsing the orange one. My feet don't notice the temperature. I keep searching, scanning the shore. Turning shells over with my big toe, looking for it.

I need something. I'm asking for this ridiculous sign, Lord. I'm writing this post in my head as I search. I've got to find it so I know this entry ends how I've written it...in my head.

There it is!

It's broken and battered. But it's there. It's real.

Two-halves.

Two halves, still connected, as one being. Unseparated. Whole.

I can go home now.

Mark 10:8 and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one.

Ghosts of Christmas Past

Fourteen years ago, this Christmas, we moved into the house we currently live in. We enjoyed all the Christmas Eve festivities, came back to our 'new' home and laid our sleepy, then 5 year old, in his bed, to awaken Christmas morning, for the first time, in his new 'home'. It was a very Merry Christmas!

For us, it was a real miracle. The Mr and I were working our way back from a six month separation, in our sixth year of marriage. I was in a really bad place, ready and willing to call it quits once and for all. I was ready to start a fresh new life, just me and my oldest. (only one at the time)

I felt absolutely nothing remotely positive for the Mr. I was beyond hurt, betrayed, angry and couldn't even see a glimpse of a future for the Mr and I. For some reason though, one day, I felt compelled to say a prayer...It was a very shallow and selfish prayer, I admit, but I believe God took it seriously.

I told (yes, told) God IF He wanted me to stay married, He was going to have to change my heart. That sounds simple enough at first, right? Except I was not willing to DO anything to facilitate this 'change of heart' I was asking for. My idea of a 'changed' heart meant I wanted to feel all lovey-dovey for the Mr. I wanted the warm-fuzzy, romantic feelings. I told God I absolutely refuse to live w/ the Mr. as a 'roommate' or to remain married out of obligation.

It was a tall order and I had no expectation of God fulfilling these selfish requests at all. Basically I sat there, arms crossed, daring God to change my heart. I don't know what I was thinking but I don't think I fully understood what I was asking, all those years ago. God certainly answered...

Besides my own heart needing to be changed, we needed to save up for the money required to move into a new place. Our son and I were living with friends, the Mr needed a new job and was sleeping on his parents couch.

We began our home search in the opposite direction. A friend happen to be driving by and saw a for rent sign. We were sure this corner, 3 bedroom, 1 bath home would be way out of our budget. (who am I kidding? WHAT budget?) We applied anyway and couldn't believe the low rent they were asking.

The landlords wanted us to wait until January but the Mr talked them into letting us move in right away. I think it helped that he offered to over look the paint job the the interior needed. They were happy we only had one child and obliged.

Fourteen years, 3 more children and innumerable mistakes later...I find myself in a similar situation, with a few minor changes. I can't tell if the situation looks more or less hopeless. Can hopelessness really be measured? Either there's hope or there isn't, right?

I've come a long way in how I perceive love to look and feel like. But hopeless is hopeless. It's the  first week of Advent and the focus is HOPE. We were a young, hopeless couple 14 years ago and God came through in a mighty way. Why wouldn't He come through now?

James 4:2b You do not have, because you do not ask God.  This CHRISTmas, the ktbunch and I are praying for another miracle. Asking and hoping for something we want.

A miracle occurred 2000 years ago that enables this Hope to live within us. Hope was born. 

I could have left my marriage, not looked back and been justified. I wanted to leave initially, at the time...but not now and not when we were in the middle either. When God changed my heart--all I can think is, that it was forever. Permanent. I certainly didn't do anything. Except pray.  God heard my prayer then and I've no doubt He hears it now. 

I prayed for one thing: a desire to be married to my husband. It's still here. Among all the mistakes and regrets, the desire that I prayed for, has never left. 

Heb 6:19 This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the Presence behind the veil,

I can not release this hope. We've come so far, this far, too far, to give up now. 

Psalm 71:14a But as for me, I will always have hope...

CHRISTmas is a time for miracles. 

Which one are you hoping and praying for?