A Moment of the Sea

You only get to experience the sea crashing over you once. When that wave reaches its peak, then begins to recede, the next wave that crashes, is an entirely different ocean. New sand, shells, water, particles. A mere echo of the waves before and glimpse of the ones after. Waves drip down, returning to the earth, transformed into memory fragments.

The Big Dance: Masquerade Ball

Helping my favorite girl get all dolled up. 

Yes, actually, home schoolers do occasionally attend real dances, if they are so inclined. My oldest attended a dance when he was in high school with the same local tween/teen home-school social group. This wasn't the middles first dance. They attended a costume party dance last fall with this same group. They don't really know anyone {that's why they invite friends} but they enjoy having fun and dancing all together.  

The theme was: Masquerade Ball. Sounds fancy but we're talking teens here! They did wear masks and dressed up. I was a bit shocked when I finally saw Birdy all ready. I mean, she's 12!!! She wanted to wear her high top chucks but they are purple with unicorns, naturally they wouldn't match. I suggested a pair of low pumps of mine. Once I saw her, I sort of wished I would have left her alone with the tennis shoes so she'd still look 12. Haha.

Mothers and daughters.

My niece, their paternal cousin went with them again. She wore chucks. 

Ready to enter the dance hall!

Here they are, siblings, cousins and friends. They had fun. They are good kids. I feel proud that they are even willing to step out of a comfort zone, to attend an event where they wouldn't really know anyone, and be joiners. I know not everyone would agree with kids attending dances...unless it's cotillion. Oh well.

While they were dancing the night away, I took a mommy date with youngest, like last time. We went to Knott's, ate dinner and went on a few rides. He was SO excited to say we were going on a date. Right before we left for the evening, he proudly, told his little neighbor friend, "I have to go. I'm going on a date with my mom!"

Rainy Day Walk

Every Tuesday my daughter has guitar lessons and I use the 30 minutes to get in an extra walk...while also praying {multi-task!}.

Today it was raining but not that hard. I certainly did not want to just sit around for 30 minutes...My sciatica began to hurt a few months ago and has been acting up ever since. There is no explanation for it but it pretty much hurts no matter what I do; sit, stand, walk, sleep...etc.

I finally had to admit that certain exercises seem to aggravate it more, and cut back on my 'morning crunch' routine. I started using the time to walk and pray (which I used to do but had gotten away from)...this way I am still exercising but in a gentler manner.

I bundled up, grabbed an umbrella and was on my merry way. It was actually a gorgeous day. Sure it was raining...but everything was lovely. Bright flowers and colorful leaves of autumn, in brilliant hues of yellow, red and orange paved the side walks.

Who needs rose petals when you've got these amazing leaves? He leads me along the path of righteousness...

The lover of my soul was before me, with glorious displays of His love, just for me. It was breath taking. Everywhere I turned, looked and pay attention, I saw His love, in the details.

I always enjoy my walks but this was one of the best  I'd had in awhile. Spending time with God isn't just in sitting down, reading the Word...it's getting out there to SEE His Word in action. To commune WITH Him. Meditate on the wondrous beauty and majesty around us, right in front of us.

Be blessed!

Red Sky at Night

'Red sky at night, sailors delight.'

My phone doesn't do this fiery sky justice...which may just be the point. Some beauty is not meant to be contained or captured. Stepping out of work to encounter this brilliant view, was the best thing that happened to me today.

I know that God is good all the time...sometimes He just makes it more obvious. 

Why I set the table every day.

I always wanted to have sit down meals around the table but we got into the habit of eating while sitting on the couch, on the go or wherever.  My husband worked non-traditional hours, I was in school, kids had various schedules which contributed to different meal times for all of us. Not to mention, when my husband worked during meal time hours and wasn't home, it felt like it was 'time off' for me. I'd make simple, snacks more than meals for myself and family.

Not having my husband/dad in the home anymore, we obviously feel the loss. I experienced a new freedom too. I could make decisions for my family, alone. I didn't have to cater to my husband's schedule or preferences.

If I wanted us to start eating around the table, then we were going to start eating around the table. I made this change just this year. My goal is at least 5 meals together, around the table, a week. Which is usually not more than one meal a day.

I started out clearing the table completely. My oldest had been using it as his computer desk. The table was covered with a fresh table cloth. This inspired me to bring out my nice serving pieces that were always hidden away in the cupboard, brought out only for special occasions.

My children are special. Special enough to use the good dishes...everyday. I have one of a kind, vintage dishes that can not be replaced. I unofficially inherited them when my grandma and mother died. They are gorgeous. But what good are they, what appreciation is shown for their beauty if they are hidden away forever?

Accidents happen. Dishes might get broken. That is part of the learning process. learning to be gentle, use manners and not stand ON the table.

The other part to this is the healing of the trauma of not having a husband and father in the home any more. There is no better word, or a softer way of putting it than trauma. Especially if you are raising your children in a Faith based home.

There are scriptures, a standard of living we subscribe to. Dads moving out and no longer wanting to be married to moms, is not one of them. For my children, it really felt like the end of the world. I guess, to them, it truly was.

I want to reassure my children that their life is going to be beautiful, regardless. A beautiful life is not determined by or dependent on anyone else. As long as they continue to follow Christ, their life will continue to be amazing and lovely.

Yes, we all want 'dad' in our lives, but if not, and it's his choice, we can {and will} still live a beautiful life with out him.

We can still have lovely meals, great conversation, and all while using the good dishes.

Even if we are only eating pizza, YES, I still set it out on a glass cake plate. I use what I have. Yep, I've already lost a couple of glass serving pieces. They were lovely. They were vintage.

They weren't humans. They can be replaced. So what? My children can't be replaced. They are *worth* more than the good dishes. I'd rather a beautiful dish break because it had been used and enjoyed, than it fell out of the cupboard, having never been enjoyed.


It was definitely awkward at first. We'd eat the meal and then feel antsy and ready to leave. A few months in, it's become normal. If I had gotten discouraged and given up, we'd never be able to enjoy it like we do now.

It looks a lot more elaborate than it is really. Which is why we sometimes eat pizza, or good old fashioned spaghetti. I light candles at night and sometimes in the afternoon. I believe life is romantic. We aren't disqualified from a romantic, beautiful life because daddy doesn't live here any more.

My children have needed me more than ever before, during this season. They needed a stable adult to give them hope and reassure them of their prosperous future. This is one way I can do that for them. I show my love for them by setting a lovely table. I affirm their individual value by taking the time, putting in the effort to prepare a meal and set a table as beautiful and creatively as I can.

Life is going to be painful at times. It's unavoidable. As parents, I don't think we need to shield our kids from every heartache, but why not soften the blow a bit? Childhood is preciously short. My kids have been forced to grow up  in some ways, prematurely. I don't want them to remember only trauma. I want them to remember at least one small space in their home that was lovely. It's peaceful. In the coldness of the harsh realities that can strike us unexpectedly, there is a beautiful space and time they can look forward too. No matter how busy we are, we can come together, at least once a day and reconnect. It's the least I can do.

If you are interested in creating a beautiful space to enjoy your meals, here are a few tips that make it simpler:

• I leave the table set, every day. After a meal, dishes are washed {usually!} and then set right back out, ready for the next meal. Yes, this DOES make the table pretty much useless for anything else. I don't mind.


• Stack the dishes on the table. Since the table does become useless always being set, I started stacking the dishes on the table sometimes if we might need the space. This is only for the plates and bowls. Cups, wine glasses and silverware are put away since they are easy to get out again.


• I involve my kids in the process. I ask them for suggestions on table settings, meal preferences, creative input on what to include or exclude from the table. We *are* intentionally trying to make it *look* good.


• Ignore the awkwardness if you aren't used to it. It gets better. It gets easier. My kids are now so used to it, if it's not a *family* meal time, they still sit at the table to eat. Sometimes I will use the time to share a scripture verse or prayer for the day from a book. It helps break the ice and set the tone for peace and faith focus.


• Use what you have. I took down serving pieces from the top shelves of my cupboards. I pulled out China pieces that were being neatly displayed on shelves. I have real silverware that doesn't match. I found a whole bag of it, on sale at the thrift store.


• Keep the menu simple. Even hot dogs look fancy when stacked on a cake plate! Water is froo-froo when you toss in lemon slices. 


• Don't limit the meal to dinner. Choose a meal time that works for your family and your schedule. My goal is at least one meal a day and it isn't always dinner.


• Enjoy yourself and relax.

Free Pancakes at IHOP

It was nearly 8:30pm or so when I hopped on facebook and saw a post about IHOP offering free pancakes for the day, as a charitable fundraiser. We live right across the street from an IHOP. Another why not moment?

I knew it wouldn't really be free. Of course we'd give a charitable donation plus a tip. I could whip out pancakes myself way cheaper...and probably tastier. How many times though, do you take a late night walk, on a whim, for a few pancakes? Who knows what adventure may await us?

The kids couldn't get ready any quicker. We threw on jackets and shoes and we were out the door. We walked. I figured, being so late by now, there certainly wouldn't be much of a crowd, right? I was wrong. There was waiting out the door.

But hey...it only comes once a year, though I was tempted to leave when I saw that crowd. We were seated right away--I declared we had favor as soon as I walked in and it was true. I felt like maybe the server took one look and regretted he was assigned to the mom and kids table. I am sure 'single moms' w/ a bunch of kids wouldn't be expected to be the best tippers right? He doesn't know my husband, who taught me to 'over tip'. Of course, we were there for the free pancakes. He didn't even ask us WHAT we wanted to order but said: stack of pancakes? Well, he was right about that.

No protein, not much in the way of nutritional value...but maybe there were smiles and memories...of that one time Mom decided out of the blue, on a Tuesday, to take us to IHOP for some free pancakes after dark.

Be spontaneous. Take walks. Enjoy your kids.

Oscar Party

Why not? I've always loved watching the Oscars--of course. And someday I will reach my goal of watching all the current years Best Picture nominees. I am sure of it! I bought some decorations because I felt inspired when I was at the party store looking for something else. I can't even remember what now.
















I took a few days preparing by hanging decorations from the ceiling and taping them to the walls. The boys flaked out but us girls got all dolled up for the occasion. I even rolled out a 'red carpet' for us to walk down and take pix. I used a cheap, red plastic table cloth, taped to the porch for our 'red carpet'.














I then set the table, with an Oscar worthy spread. The main course of the evening was Oscar Mayer hot dogs, naturally. We also had sparkling cider, chips, fresh veggies, various spreads like hummus, ranch dip, salsa and guacamole. Movie favs like cheddar and kettle flavored popcorn. We couldn't over look red vines and  M&M's! I really classed it up by making chocolate dipped strawberries too.

It's not about the Oscars, really. It could have been just another Tuesday. It's about living a life that's worth dressing up for. Worth decorating for. Worth celebrating. That is the life I am determined to live. This is the life I am creating for my family. A life that is beautiful and filled with occasions to have fun. Every day offers that opportunity. It's what I choose. Red carpet or concrete porch, it doesn't matter. Whatever this life holds for us, regardless of past or future--it will be beautiful and lovely.

My First Super Bowl

For the first time EVER, I actually, well sort-of, WATCHED the Super Bowl. I hosted a 'party'...which means I set up lots of snacks on the table and invited friends over...that's enough to call it a party, right? I would have called it a party even if no one showed up. My kids and I can have our own parties, no guests needed.

I realized the reason I had never watched it before in all my adult years. We have been invited to friends homes in the past but I usually had a little one. I am not a big proponent of leaving young children unsupervised, especially when I am a guest at someone else's home. Often, while the adults were enjoying the game, I was left watching, at least my own small child....alone.  I felt left out for being a responsible parent. I don't think anyone wanted a young child interrupting their sports viewing and I didn't want my child alone in another room, left to his own devices.

My middle son was interested in the big game so I promised him I'd go all out and we could enjoy the game together. Maybe I should have hosted myself, years ago...but we never had the 'big' tv like my in-laws or our friends.

I got 'football' type snacks...or what I thought was football type snacks. Haha. Chips, mini-weenies, veggie tray with dip, more chips, salsa, guacamole, crackers, cheese, deli meats/cold cuts, fruit...that's game food right? A friend and her kids came by. We had fun talking and joking around. By half-time all the kids were bored and headed out to the back yard on the trampoline.

Not like I was into the game and yet, I was the one left watching it. I was disappointed in the commercials. I thought they would be better. I wasn't impressed. We were hoping to see Sam's commercial but alas...nope.

It was still fun all around. We had a great time. I love having people over but even if no one showed up, I like making days special for my kids and I. Here's hoping next year is just as fun or better...

Two halves Make a Whole

I'm a quarter of the way down the pier when I turn around. It's not enough to just look down at the water any more.

I head to the sand. I'm not dressed for the beach. I'm dressed for a California day in Feb while it's still winter. Jeans and a light V-neck pull over sweater.  The wind is chilly though the sun is shining.

The shoes are off. I have to get in the water. The tide is low. I can walk half the length of the pier before my ankles are wet. The sand holds ripples of black and gold. I could pan for it. I could gather and collect it all--if I was a fool.

Did my mother walk this beach? The sand her feet touched has probably been swept to the bottom of the ocean by now. The sand she was lying on when she thought she was cool and told some boys she was an 'extra' in the movie Jaws.

Broken and scattered shells compete for my attention among the sandy ripples of gold. I don't want the broken ones. I don't want a dull one. I only want a bright, intact orange one. Though I know it won't be as bright once it leaves the beach, it's ocean home. It was meant to be appreciated from under the cover of the sea, where it looks the loveliest.

I search for something else. Is it possible? God can you give me this? Can you make this sign for me?

I need to leave. It's getting later. Do I have time? I know this is ridiculous but I keep searching among the remnants of the sea. My hand is cold and getting numb from rinsing the orange one. My feet don't notice the temperature. I keep searching, scanning the shore. Turning shells over with my big toe, looking for it.

I need something. I'm asking for this ridiculous sign, Lord. I'm writing this post in my head as I search. I've got to find it so I know this entry ends how I've written it...in my head.

There it is!

It's broken and battered. But it's there. It's real.

Two-halves.

Two halves, still connected, as one being. Unseparated. Whole.

I can go home now.

Mark 10:8 and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one.

What did I do all year?

If you asked me what *I* did through out this year--ALL I can honestly say is, I PRAYED! (of course, I still AM)

I cried, I whined, I screamed & cussed at God. (He's a Big God, he can handle it!) I laid on my face, begging, pleading. I questioned, I exalted, I praised, I listened, I sang, I groaned, I brought myself low. I humbled, I repented, I adored...& at the end of the day--I KEPT praying!

EVERY moment. EVERY tear. EVERY disappointment. EVERY question--I prayed THROUGH!  I was honest, laid bare--most often literally--on my face in the shower. haha.

There is nothing, no part of me, no secret, no place in my soul that I am aware of, that I did NOT let God into. And He was faithful to expose & reveal all the nitty gritty details of ME...& show me HIS goodness...above all else, over & over & over & over again! He showed me where I was hesitant to let Him in, where I held back, what I tried to hide, the places I wasn't trusting HIM.

I'm sure there's still more cause this life is a process...but it's way past time for us to really get HONEST before ourselves & before God & let HIM do THIS WORK that we keep trying to manage on our own.

God is always listening.
God is always answering.

We don't have to impress, put on airs or use fancy language.
He already knows who we are...and He knows everything He has created us to do AND be.

My life changed so dramatically this year.
If you know me personally, your first thought may be that I am referring to my circumstances...and sure, there's that. Besides that though, is this whole other part of me, there's all of me, there's ME. I started the year kicking and screaming and railing against God. Not understanding why He wasn't changing my situation....quickly.

Now, at the end, I can look back and see how far I've come, WE've come, together. How much He has changed me, which in essence, changes my situation. I didn't do anything. Actually, I believe, when I stopped trying...it began to happen. The change.

I kept envisioning myself just falling. From a cliff or off a bridge, into the sky or the water. I kept having that free-fall sensation. But it wasn't a falling off, it was a falling into.

Falling into Christ.
Falling into grace.
Falling in, falling into love.

I would lay on my back, on my hard wood floor, on my bed, the beach, the grass at the park, my front sidewalk, the trampoline...and just look and stare up. Far up, as far as the sky could go...and say a prayer.

I just kept falling...into prayer.

He heard.
He moved.
He changed...me.

1 Thessalonians 5:17 pray continuously

I did.
And I survived.
And I thrived.

How much work He did when I stopped trying...but kept praying.

Good Bye Summer

It's time to wind down for us. The freedom of lazy days with out care for time and obligation are gone. Technically it is still the season of summer but we've stepped into the 'no-cartoons-or-tv-until-all-work-is-finished season--that means SCHOOL!

I love to look back over our summer and all the wonderful times we shared, especially the moments I never got around to writing about. We had lots of relaxing days filled with peace and joy.

We enjoyed our city's annual firework show. This year we tailgated with my brother's family, my dad and my other brother and his wife.
























One afternoon my Birdy-girl and I played with a henna kit and decorated ourselves. We had a lot of fun creating designs and writing words on our hands and feet.

We had so much fun, even Sammy decided he needed to get in on the action. He ended up with designs on his hands too. One of his hands had a compass on it. It was almost prophetic because I know he was really needing direction in his life, from the Lord, at that time.

I wrote words on my hands. I felt like they would be absorbed into my soul. They were symbolic representations of the virtues I needed and wanted to carry in my spirit.

That was a pleasant afternoon. I can't wait to get another kit and practice making more designs on our hands and feet. Birdy ended up with a design that went all the way up her arm!

I had set a goal to run one mile every day for a year. Well....I made it 28 days straight before I broke my streak. It was what I needed at the time and it helped me maintain my emotional and mental stability. Someday...I really will reach my full year goal.

Sam had a few auditions and one of them was at Universal Studios. On our way back through the lot to our car...we snuck and took this quick shot with Mr. Potato Head!

Another summer day, my nephews went with us when Sammy had two auditions in the same general area. In between, we decided to hang around Hollywood and check out the Walk of Fame.

I don't think my nephews had ever been to the Walk of Fame before. Sammy really wanted to get a pic next to Michael Jackson's star but his was too crowded.




Then there were days we stayed home and did exactly what summer is for: nothing. We laid around the house, kids got wet in the back yard or jumped on the trampoline.

In the evening times we'd gather on my bed (you know, community property) and choose a favorite worship song or two and sing along. Then we would pray. This has now become an almost-nightly tradition.





One afternoon, a friend from church invited the ktbunch over to ride her horse. They absolutely LOVED it. This was one of the first times they'd ever *really* ridden a horse.

They had so much fun and really enjoyed it. Even Kurtis got in on the action. The horse really seemed to like them too. My kids were so great, they volunteered to help clean up the stable and feed the horse afterward. Who knew shoveling manure would be so 'thrilling'? lol

They got the hang of leading the horse around real quick, and took turns with each other.

Over all, I'd say we had a pretty fab summer.

We did some new things and stuck with some annual traditions. We spent lots of days at the beach and parks.

One night we even got to watch an outdoor, evening performance of Romeo and Juliet. It was lovely.


Happy Summer.

Peace

This afternoon, I stop praying and sit on the 'garden swing', in my back yard, just breathing.

Maybe I'm waiting...

Two hawks fly in circles high above, in a cloud covered sky. They fly higher but I could still see them as they flew farther and farther away, in the mist of the clouds, as their forms grew foggy. Nearly a dozen Monarch butterflies flutter gracefully around my passion fruit vine that grows on the chain link fence that divides my back yard from my neighbor's. One lands on a leaf, now and then, slowly opening and closing her wings. Dragonflies fly by in pairs. They weren't here last year.Three birds perch on three separate power lines toward the back fence, where the clothesline stands, on the other side of the trampoline. A large, single, bright yellow butterfly makes its way across the view, drawing my attention to an expanse of dirt where all the grass has died. I take a deeper breathe, lean my head back and look up; tree branches above me hold a few apples.

I feel it.
A smile spreads across my lips involuntarily.
I close my eyes.

I breathe in the lovely breeze that begins to blow as the cloud cover breaks and the sun quickly warms me.

My tears are dry.

I'm ok.
Everything is better than ok.
It will continue to be.

In the midst of everything being the same...it's different.

Six months from now...

is going to be so much better than today. Really.
By this time next summer...you will be amazed at how far you have come.

You are going to get through this moment. Through this day.
Life will change. You will change.

You will praise God, when you look back & see how He brought you through. 

As the Israelites crossed over Jordan & God told them to pick up stones--from the river bed...symbolic on many levels, one of which was to have a tangible reminder of what God did there, when they placed their feet into that river & waited....waited for those waters to part. Similar but different from when their ancestors crossed the Red Sea.
You will have those stones, as memories you carry in your heart, to look at & remember what God carried YOU through.
Because you WILL get through it. It may be different. It may be a path that feels similar but it will be different. YOU will be different.
I will be different.
It will be better & it will be beautiful.
Praise God now, for what will be.

Let God carry you, teach you & bring all things to light.
I believe what he REALLY wants to do FOR YOU, is show you how HE sees You. Forget about what you see happening around you. God's got that covered. Look at God & let Him show you; YOU.
Let him uproot all that was comfortable & 'safe'...to reveal what may have been hidden or forgotten all these years.
Let it all go, fall back & let Him catch you. He will.

I know that you already know this.
No one can walk this path but you.
You are not alone. You never have been.

This time though, you will stay focused.
You've stepped out on the water, don't you look down! Don't look to the right or the left. Look at Him. Do you see his face? Look into His eyes as He looks into your very soul. He's smiling and you're walking with Him...on the water. He's smiling at you right now. He's cheering you on. He can see beyond this moment. He knows it's beautiful--do you trust Him? Yes, you do or you will. Choose right now.


The Lord bless you, and keep you; the Lord make His face shine on you, and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance on you, and give you peace. Numbers 6:24-26 NASB

Just SPIN!

I've been losing my mojo. I do have a tendency toward depression & it's been taking all the energy & self-will I have NOT to give into it, lately. I hardly recognize the person, woman I am lately. Disconnected, emotional, a sissy? Maybe. lol I'm making up for lost time--all those years I spent as a 'robot' I guess.

Anyway. Monday we needed to be out & about early--to take oldest to a meeting at work. It was only supposed to be an hour, not worth coming home for the 20 minute drive it takes to get there. I knew there was a little park nearby that I wanted to check out.

No time to make a 'good-mommy-breakfast'--see the pressure we put on ourselves? Thank God they're fed at this point! ;-) So I spent a few extra bucks & paid someone else to make them a breakfast burrito. Hey, eggs are healthy-and I'm supporting the economy. It's a great little burger joint that makes 'real food'. Hash browns, bacon, and eggs wrapped in a tortilla is pretty delish.

It's one of those great parks that's separated into 3 age appropriate groupings of play equipment; has climbing walls, ropes, balance and spinning 'things'. You know, urban, with recycled rubber tires under the swings.

The park is tiny but gated, attracting lots of mommies and nannies. A few too many in such a small space. Must be popular. Many of the mommies, either dressed in work-out wear or casual clothing and jewelry, knew each other. The nannies paid very close attention to their charges.

Kurtis loved it. he could climb, swing, hang, and balance to his heart's content. The park in our neighborhood is very similar, but more spacious. It has many of the same type of play equipment.

However, there is one piece of equipment that is really my favorite. It's this *thing* that spins. You stand on it, in it? Somehow, your body makes it spin. At the park by our house, I can never get it to work. Which is strange. It will spin, if I'm lucky, a couple turns and then stop and it always makes me feel nauseous!

Normally, when we are at our own neighborhood park, I'm visiting (& praying) with another mom friend. This time though, since I was alone, I dutifully followed the ktbunch around and tried to be a little more involved. My daughter told me I just *had* to try the spinning thing, assuring me it worked good.

Kurtis decided he wanted to try it with me. He FLEW off a minute after this picture was taken, with only one turn.

He said he didn't like it and didn't want to get back on after that. It sure was funny though.

Birdy was right--this spinning thing can FLY! You get on and you can't get off cause it won't stop spinning.

Sam is pretty cool but not too cool to spin.


Think I won't?

I am SO NOT that cool!

I don't think I'm even wearing make-up! Gasp!!

This thing is OUT.of.CONTROL!

AND it didn't even make me feel queasy at all. I think I almost flew off at one point.

You can stand around and watch life go by. You can be sad. Life can fall apart around you. But hey--if it's gonna fall apart anyway...why not laugh it all to pieces?



For a moment, a blissful, happy moment, I was myself again. I was Katy. I was a free little girl-that I don't think I ever was. I was *that mom* that I recognized. The one that laughs and still likes to go on the swings and jump off. The one that isn't holed up in her room, hiding so her kids don't see her crying, again.

And I think, maybe...that's what you, I, just gotta do sometimes. Just SPIN. The tears will be waiting, if you want to face them again, later. So will the laundry and the dishes and the eggs. Buy the burritos. Go to the park. Pretend if you must. Pretend everything is OK. While you're pretending, you just might realize, that everything really IS ok. Or at least it's going to be. You are going to be ok.

SPIN. The next time someone asks you how you are, you can answer sincerely, with a big smile, that you're "great!" Cause you are. If you're not sure, go to the park, swing as high as you can and jump off.

Or just go on that spinning *thing*, hold on for dear life, lean your head back and let yourself get dizzy as the clouds swirl above you. 

You are not a bird.

 I saw a bird on a traffic post the other day. It was hopping along across the top of it. It looked awkward, fragile and moved slowly. I didn't think it was ever going to get across.

Finally, it took off in flight. It's wings were strong and it glided gracefully and quickly to another post.

Birds are meant to fly, that's how we associate them as birds. They have legs but they seem to be more for the purpose of landing gear than walking. They can walk but they don't do it as well as they fly.

Often we try to be something we are not and it's awkward for all involved. When we are who we are truly meant to be, we can then find true strength. We are more powerful being who and what we are meant to be than trying to be something we were never designed to be in the first place.

A bird has been designed to fly, not walk. A bird's true majesty and strength can only be seen while in flight, not hopping along on two spindly feet.

Your true strength can best be utilized when you behave and do what you are meant to do, as well.

Tuesday

It has been SUCH a peaceful day today. (completely different from *yesterday* which was one frustrating situation after another!) Today was my early day. Got up & got ready, baked a light breakfast for the kiddos and was on my way to school. It was scheduled to rain...it looked like it was going to pour at any moment but it only lightly drizzled. It was perfect homemade scarf weather!

My first class is my creative non-fiction class and I really love the professor. Just adore her. She runs her class so well. It's always a bonus when you have classmates who are great writers as well. In between classes I have been utilizing the campus rec center. It's awesome and such a great perk. I wish I could have used it sooner...it just never worked out with my schedule.

This semester though, I have one and two hours breaks between classes each day. Today was my one hour break. I've only been using the indoor track but it's enough for now. I try to rush on over since I only have an hour and the time passes quickly. I've gone back to actual running, even though it's a super short distance, only a mile. I don't have time for more since it takes me about 10 minutes to just GET to the rec center, then I have to change, load up my locker, stretch a little then run. A little time after to stretch and cool down, then back to the locker room to change and then back across campus to class. Which by the way, have I mentioned HOW MANY stairs this campus has? Remind me again WHO's idea it was to build a university ON a HILL? haha.

The rec center is filled with various work out machines, ellipticals, stair climbers, treadmills, stationary bikes, free weights and weight machines as well as other various pieces of work out equipment. Maybe one of these days I will climb on something and get busy. haha. For now though, I simply use the track.

Today when I left the rec center--I was greeted by very cool, fresh air. It felt so refreshing. I was still warm so it wasn't even cold but refreshing. It made me smile. Then, right before I got to class I ran into a classmate from last semester. She was one I had hoped to see in class this semester but haven't. I was happy to run into her. I hope I see her again--before graduation!

My second Tuesday class is a little frustrating to me. I am having a better attitude about it though. It's only 12.5 weeks more to endure and do well. Then the great CELEBRATION.

I keep my eye on that GRADUATION prize. I am so excited!!!

After class, I walk to my bike, ride it to my car, then I am on my way home. Yep. I use three modes of transportation, at once, to get to school. That makes me laugh.

Home was peaceful. Middles had their school work finished, the living room was tidy and they were watching this very addictive series on Netflix. Everyone was calm in their spirits and that was nice and relaxing.

I already had dinner planned so it was easy to produce with enough left overs for tomorrow's lunch.

I hope this fresh peace will continue.

Source: etsy.com via Katy on Pinterest

tion: underline;">etsy.com via Katy on Pinterest

Nineteen

yah, he has a 'thing' for sunglasses!

I celebrated my nineteenth birthday with my then-boyfriend-who-later-became-my-Mr. He took me to a restaurant where the wait staff dressed in costumes from different decades. Mid-way through the night, they stood on the bar and danced and sang. It was in Hollywood so I felt very sophisticated and cool.

Less than a year later, I was married and gave birth to a six week premature, 4lb 1 oz bundle of flesh and bone via emergency C-section. My eye sight was extremely blurred so I could barely make out his image as they held him up and said, "It's a boy!" As if I didn't know already.

That tiny baby, though his slightly under developed lungs would reveal asthmatic tendencies years later, wailed for hours a day for three inconsolable months. I thought I knew enough to be a wife and mother but I had no idea how to get that baby to stop crying. Nothing worked. Some moments I had to give in and accept that the best choice for the moment was to put the beautiful child down in his crib and walk away--for the good of both of us.

Of course in retro-spec I realize how much I did not know about life and how much I have learned and developed since then. It's never been so obvious as when I look at this baby--having just turned nineteen and try to imagine HIM as a father and husband.

He's light years ahead of me in spiritual maturity. He sees the world around him fairly clearly. I can't help but feel I am looking, at least somewhat, into a mirror....and I recognize what a young parent I really was. I see how much he still has ahead of him, so much more to learn about himself and about life.

oldest strolling youngest in Washington DC during our epic road trip 2010.

Looking back I am at peace to know I was there. No wasted days. Home-educating has played such a big role in our lives. It's been our lifestyle and I don't regret a minute of it. All of his big childhood moments, his parents were right beside him. The successes, challenges, and disappointments as well as the moments of fun and adventure. I don't regret *being there* at all.

All those hours of crying turned into years of growing and teaching and developing a fine young man. I am so excited to watch the rest of his life, as well as the lives of my other children, progress.

I imagine my mother must have felt this way when I turned 17, the age she had me...

God's grace has been such a prevalent force in my life and the life of my family. To have such a wonderful young man for a son. One that still gives his mom a kiss goodnight and goodbye.

A young man that can have real conversations with adults and parents. A young man secure in the knowledge of who he is in Christ.

What more can I ask for?

Oh, he celebrated his nineteenth birthday Saturday, at home, surrounded by friends and family. We had a bonfire in the back yard, lots of pizza and sweet goodies. After the party, the police showed up, stating they got a call from a "neighbor" that we were out of town and therefore they were concerned about who might be in our back yard. Yep, I can't make this stuff up!