What Do You Expect?

🕊 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13 🕊 

What if you fail? What if you get fired? You have no idea what you are doing! Don't get your hopes up in case you mess this up. Imagine how it will feel to tell everyone you were fired after telling them you finally found a job!?! Don't even tell anyone you got a job...just in case!

Those were the desperately frantic and fearful thoughts running through my head immediately after I was offered and accepted a position at a school, for exactly the type of job I was looking for.

The anxiety began to reach a fevered pitch. As I have many times before, I wondered if I had been called to a life of suffering or struggle, therefore, told myself not to get to excited when good things happened. We know there were followers and lovers of Christ that suffered greatly. The disciples faced immense hardship and persecution. Perhaps that is my calling, my gift? When the struggle lingers, long suffering becomes an intimately familiar way of life.

STOP!!! I thought-yelled at myself.

The infamous Jeremiah 29:11 came to my mind as I attempted to talk myself down, speaking truth to my heart and soul (don't act like you never think-talk to yourself!). 

I have trained for this. I AM trained for this. This is exactly what I have been working toward and wanted. THIS has been the plan all along. Why wouldn't they want me? I AM qualified. God has not brought me this far to fail...or get fired.

What are your expectations? Are you living in the expectation of failure, or a life of suffering? God tells us He has good plans for us. Some versions use the word ‘thoughts’ - He has good thoughts toward us.

God gave me a very clear plan to follow. So why would He not bring it to fruition? He also promises in His Word that he will complete the works He starts in us. Does this not also include the paths He implores us to follow?

We can confidently trust that He keeps His Word. He has not set us up to fail or fall short. Learn and grow? Yes. He is not a game player or promise breaker. He declares His plans and thoughts for us are for good. Knowing this, choosing to believe it, means we can walk and act as people of value and worth, because our God sees us valuable enough that when He looks at us, He declares, 'That's MY girl!' and 'That's MY guy!'

I don't have to expect suffering. I can expect a good end for my effort. I can expect good things to come my way. Rewards for hard work. Why expect anything less from a good and loving God?

He has prepared you.
Go and succeed!

Growth Mindset for Adults

I'm excited to attend my first official guitar class tonight! {I've owned my guitar for 11+ years!!!!} I saw a FB ad for a FREE group class just for females. I'm hoping lessons after that, are affordable. I'm also back to ballet on Thursday nights. Its a riot-I  to dance but I am NO ballerina! Lol

I am now convinced if you want to experience *personal growth*, over come fear of failure and perfectionism-taking a ballet class is the answer. Lol I'm obviously there to learn or I wouldn't be in the class. But not being already good or excelling at something is way out of my comfort zone. Who wants to intentionally fail?

I am in my last semester of my teaching program and I found also taking a class like ballet, has helped with my "growth mindset" over all. It may sound silly but allowing myself the grace to be clumsy in ballet has helped me to accept grace and make mistakes in my methodology classes and student teaching.

In my 20-25 years of marriage I developed a strong fear of failure and perfectionism. Because you know, if I was just *perfect*, my marriage wouldn't have ended and my children's father would have *loved* me. {eyeroll}

This has been so eye opening for me and also empowering but not without great struggle and a lot of work to untangle myself from this unhealthy and irrational way of thinking.

What are you doing to stretch and grow your mind, body & spirit?

Where Else Can I Go?

When you show up to church heavy hearted, heart broken, grieved over your own brokeness...and friends unexpectedly bless you. 

What demonstrations of Christ's unconditional love and grace. When I'm less than deserving and want to hide from His divine presence-but I show up anyway. Where else can I go? Where can I hide from His presence?

So I bring my shame and He brings me flowers? He showers me with gifts. Not because He approves but because He continues to love, even when He does not approve. In that space of safe love and acceptance, I am convicted and corrected. May I never miss an opportunity to share this same abundance of grace and forgiveness toward others, that has been shown me. 

❤💔❤

If I Don't Reach the Promised Land, Beyond the Curse of the Desert Wilderness

We've all been there in the midst of a trial-that moment when we look back and long for the past. Just as the Israelites, in the middle of their own wandering, began to view their past of slavery and bondage, through the filter of rose colored lenses.

Maybe it wasn't so bad? At least it was familiar, predictable...safe.

We can read their story with the privilege of it's entirety. We know how it's going to end.

In our own lives though, we don't know the ending. And that scares us! We get uncomfortable. We do not like change. We want what WE want, how we want and when we want it. Of course.

We know how that ended with the Israelites--the generation of Moses never entered the Promised Land. What a punishment and what they are forever known for.

God is never that cruel though.  Perhaps, there was solace and even a redemptive quality to their lives that has been over looked?

The Israelites that didn't reach the Promised Land, are also the generation that led their families OUT of slavery! Into FREEDOM!

After generations of bondage, they were finally free. Their children were free, no longer subject to the whims of a master or genocidal pharaoh. Their grandchildren would grow up free.   This is significant.

Many of us face and endure the wilderness journey at times. The heat and barrenness of the desert, where refreshment and reprieve are only a mirage. Admittedly, I have been in that place for more than a few years now. I have been guilty of looking back at times, longing for the comfort of my own slavery and bondage.

Until God reminded me of what is ahead AND the importance of the present. Not only for me, but for generations to come. I have done this. I have led my children out of slavery. They will step into the Promise Land. They will have the strength to knock down walls and take back what is theirs.

They could not move into their own promise if we had not walked into the freedom of the desert. There is no going back. Regardless of the environment, our freedom can not be taken from us. Freedom from negative patterns of behavior that were being practiced and taught by example.

The Israelites stood in the gap between slavery and freedom. Someone had to. Someone had to take the first step and cross over. Someone had to make the choice and be brave, venturing out into the unknown, without a map! Their wilderness journey served a purpose whether they ever entered the Promise Land or not. 

Someone has to stand in the gap. I made that choice. If I never step into the Promise...It will have all been worth it to watch my children walk in the truth of freedom.

Be Brave.

Hello June

June is NOT doom and gloom. It's a rest for the in-between-time. A breath between what has finished and what is about to start. Inhale deeply, for the whirlwind of joy and celebration is coming.

Hello May

MAY you feel the love and acceptance of the Father. MAY you know how dearly loved and cherished you are. MAY you walk in His identifying truths about your value and worth. Amen. 

The Valley of Death

Its spring break, turn around trip to Death Valley National Park on Monday-4+ hour drive one way. We had never been there, it's a drive through the desert. A local said the winds were blowing 70mph! We went to see the "super bloom" of wild flowers that only happens every 10 years. Abundant, blooming life in the wasteland!

A few times, on a long stretch of empty road, the blowing sand would bring visibility to ZERO!!! I'd never driven through conditions like that and felt scared as I decelerated to 3mph!

The Lord reminded me of Psalm 23. ...as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...He gave me this literal, physical experience and picture, as I prayed our way thru.

We were IN DEATH VALLEY! Going *through* it! We may not see what is ahead, we have to trust Him and walk in FAITH!!! He tells us to not be afraid...actually, if you read and repeat it, it's a declaration: I will not be afraid! Because He is with me!

Be strong and courageous. Do not give in to the fear of the unknown! Keep moving forward. The dry, barren valley of death doesn't go on forever.

Our actual view, zero visibility, along our drive. 

Spiritual Paralysis

How many times, as Christians, do we sit around and do NOTHING in the name of "wanting God's perfect will?" You get an idea or you have a calling, you wait for it, but when the opportunity finally presents itself, you decide to backup...and say, 'I'll pray about it.'

You weren't praying about it already? I call BS! It's fear, plain and simple. Based on whatever your perception of God is. If you view Him as a condemning God waiting to punish you, you are afraid to 'get in trouble.' If you view Him as loving and quick to forgive, you most likely aren't afraid to take risks and make mistakes.

There is no fear in love.

But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18

Fear has to do with punishment...You are NOT going to 'get in trouble' if you make a mistake. God will tell you which way to go, it's called correction. If you are going the wrong way & lost, don't you want someone to give you the correct directions?

Are you a perfectionist, afraid of doing it wrong? Why? You don't have to *earn* God's love! Let it go! His love is free not earned.

As Christians, we've got to get off our @$$es and DO something already. Whatever that is that you've been called to do.

The wilderness of the Israelites wasn't a 40 year punishment, it was preparation. Not being allowed to enter the promise land? That was a consequence of fear and doubt-not trusting God, turning to idols for salvation. The wilderness experience was all about learning to trust God in freedom as much as trusting God in captivity.

We are given promptings from the Lord, then we turn around and say, "I just want to do God's will." Or "I don't want to do the wrong thing." Well, doing NOTHING is the WRONG thing!

Apply for the job! Start the business! Write the book!! It's not that complicated people. If it's not His will, guess what? You WON'T get struck by lightning for it. He'll simply tell you, go the other way. The verse in Isaiah assures us, He will tell us which way to, AS we're walking. He can't very well tell you to turn right or left if your still sitting on the couch! 

What are you waiting for?

More to Life

This verse is often referred to as an exhortation against worry *because* of God's providential nature. It's true one aspect of His divine identity is of being a provider.

This verse hit me differently this morn, the second part, which is often over looked. At the end of the day, or more importantly, life, what you eat and what you wear, will not matter! Nothing you have or own will matter. My grandma and mother's lives, have been reduced to a small box of sentimental items. No one cares or remembers how fashionable or stylish they were or weren't. No one cares what they cooked. 

Having just gone through a major life move-being present here-looking at all I owned...very little of my belongings mattered enough to want to pack and take with me. Very little was important enough to be worth the effort. 

There is ‪freedom when we embrace what we know matters and let go of all else. We hold on to the ‪love a person had or didn't have, for us. What we really hoard are the feelings, good or bad, produced within us when we remember someone. We must ask ourselves every moment, with every interaction, what we truly want to leave behind, and act accordingly. 

That is the *more* to life, I see in this verse.

No, you can't fix it momma...

It's a harsh moment of grief when your children tell you they would like you to 'move on' and 'get involved' (meaning fall in love and get married) with someone new, not for your own happiness but for theirs. So they could feel loved instead of rejected, feel financially supported instead of lack.

My heart breaks.

It's one thing to carry your own burden of hurt but when you see your children hurting, it's an unstoppable ache.

I know that desire. The feeling of being unwanted regardless of how much love and acceptance surrounded me. Nothing could satisfy the longing that plagued my heart from the biological connection that never was.

The emptiness that formed and shaped my self prescribed identity.

Now, as a mother, I know that nothing on earth can fill that emptiness, not a man, a lover, a father or husband.

It's a God gap we all carry.

It manifests in different forms and we create a word or a blame for it. Maybe it was daddy or mommy, husband or wife, maybe it was grandma or a different type of unspeakable trauma...that left us battle worn and gun shy. Feeling lost and alone at times, still a trembling little kid in a cynical adult body.

We don't realize when we're young usually. At least I didn't. It was that ignorance that got me here, I think.

I was sure my marriage and family would be my happily ever after. 

Not, instead, a series of before and afters.

I can't fill the holes in their hearts myself. I could try and burden myself with guilt, shame, regret, distraught over my never ending efforts. Only to come the same conclusion...There's nothing I can do. I am not the great healer. How I wish I was. I wish I could fix it all. I wish I could love the emptiness out of them. Love the pain away.

My fractured love would only be a temporary band-aid at best.

My tears flow for all of us.

Not because I feel the situation is hopeless, but because I feel it deeply too. I feel the pain for all of us. The grief is real. Loss is real. Trauma is real.

We're all carrying it, looking for the answers, often in the wrong places, creating what feels like, a bigger mess than before.

We're looking for black and white, and creating a mash-up in shades of grey.

It won't work.

I can say that I believe God.

I trust Him.

He is the only perfect Father.

The perfect One.

The perfect everything.

I have seen Him work in my children's hearts and lives.

He produces good fruit.

He is the only one who could heal our hurts.

Heal our hearts.

How I wish it was as easy as finding a new man, a new father, a new lover.

I had a father. A good one too.

He wasn't the one.

He loved and accepted me, while in my mother's womb, and yet...

My heart still yearned for the one that wasn't there.

As Christ knelt in that garden crying, "Abba, Father..." (Mark 14:36)

Our hearts still cry out, "Take this from me!"

Though often, in silence.

He knew our longing to feel close.

It starts there, with the Father.

God is the good Father.
There is none other like Him.
He hears you momma.
He hears your children.
He is not far from you.

I don't have to fix it and neither do you.

Our attempts would be mediocre at best.

I leave it in His hands.

I will show my children that someone else, is not the answer, and never will be. It's a grief that needs to be felt, even deep. Through it, glory is revealed. I don't know how or when. I only know God is the answer. Another man, lover or husband is not going to make all my, or their, pain go away. If it could, my family wouldn't be where it is today.

Nothing can satisfy.

Pursue God, momma, with all that is in you, or even just a fraction of what is in you, if that is all you have. Pursue Him and keep pressing forward. You will win this race and you will finish well.

Hello October

Anniversaries, birthdays and remembrances of all sorts greet us gently, while we're all focused on the celebration at the end. 

Yes, look forward...celebration is waiting. 

Propel Womens Conference

Filled to capacity...3000 women.

I was blessed to be invited to this conference, last minute by my sweet friend, Jen. I had no idea what it would be like...and I was giving up a Friday Hike Day for it! I went with expectation...to hear a personal Word from the Lord. He did not disappoint. 

So grateful for this thoughtful friend.

It's a little scary, to tell the truth, being at an event with 2998 other women I don't know. I figured there were women in attendance that I actually did know and I was right...confirmed thanks to my instagram feed. haha.
Seriously though. SO easy to get caught up in all the female insecurities when I begin to focus on the falsity of comparison. All these other women, stylish, beautiful, fashionable, taller, thinner, trendier, happier...the list goes on. It's overwhelming. Easy to give into it and shrink back into myself-which is exactly the opposite of what was being shared from the stage. Thank goodness!

It's amazing how one bad report can keep an entire generation from their destiny. ~ Christine Caine

 Instead, there were life giving and affirming messages of hope and leadership. Christine Caine started it out and whoa--I was full and ready to go home after hearing her. She is funny and honest and inspniring, to put it mildly.
What I got most from her, the theme of the entire conference, was that we are ALL called to leadership. This sounds controversial, within the church when it comes to females--but the truth each speaker conveyed, was if you are e believer in Jesus Christ, you are called to lead people to Christ...from wherever you are!
I think we can all agree with that.
She was so humble about it though, actually being the one ON the stage, speaking to us. She admitted the only difference between her and us, was that she may have gotten more support. True. 

Her advice for that was to PRAY! Pray for favor. Pray for change within churches so that all women will be empowered to operate in her individual giftings and talents. 

When we learn how to feast, we will stop faking... ~ Beth Moore

 The messages were all so validating. It's not that one type of leadership is better than another. A woman on the stage or behind the pulpit is not more important or more of a leader than the traditional stay at home mom or a woman in the market place. We are all called to live like Christ and share our faith, wherever Christ has called us to serve. one is not above or below, better or worse than the other.

I believe THAT is the message of empowerment for women within the church and in community. The answer to women having sincere relationships is support not competition and condemnation. Instead, supporting each other where we are. No need to feel condemned or ashamed or put down because we are on different paths or in different places in life, ministry and marketplace.
WoW!

If older people stop dreaming, they will never inspire vision in younger people. ~Brian Houston 

 Brian Houston is Christine Caine's pastor. It is refreshing to see a male leader be so supportive of females. I will admit I tend to be biased and skeptical given my background and experience with male dominated leadership. I felt extremely frustrated and even hopeless for real change at times. 

THis conference though, was positive. I want to remember to focus on that. We can all continue to pursue Christ and pray for those who may block our pursuits of God's will for our lives. 

We must remember we can not change anyone or anything on our own, only God can.

...women being in leadership is not a right but a DUTY. ~ Dr. Haylee Gray Scott

We have a duty to those that come after us, to continue to pursue God's will for our lives, regardless of challenges or obstacles we face. The messages were validating for where I am right.now. It's ok to be who you are, right where you are. It's also time to move forward and let of the negative and hurtful events, situations, lies and oppression of the past. It no longer has a hold on us. Great reminder not to go back there. Embrace who GOD says you are and keep pursuing that!

I left feeling amazing. I felt so affirmed. There was a personal prophetic word given as well. I knew it was coming. I knew what it would be and be about as soon as Christine Caine began to share that she had a word. I closed my eyes and raised my hand as instructed, as uncontrollable tears ran down my cheeks. Again, God speaking to and IN to my heart, in the deepest places and deepest desires to remind me that HE is in control. I am not forgotten and neither are the desires of my heart. He knows all. He is here, always.
Hallelujah!

If there is a Propel Women's Conference coming to your area--PLEASE ATTEND!!! 

Hello September

Structure comes to transition, a settling in from where you've come out. Opportunity for a fresh start right in the middle. The ninth month brings birthing of the awaited gift but you have to labor for it. 

Everything is OK

I started my too early morning, greeted by hundreds of ants, invading my kitchen sink. I sprayed them down, ignoring that creepy-crawly feeling all over my skin, then plodded my way to the bathroom. I stepped on an extra wet towel near the sink cabinet that I knew should not have been so wet.

Sure enough, water was over flowing out from under the newly replaced sink, pipes and cabinet. 'Newly replaced' after the faucet exploded on the 4th of July, shooting up high enough to blow out the light bulb that still has not been replaced. The towel was on the floor, over flowing from our laundry basket, spilling out into the small hallway because of a reoccurring and unresolved plumbing issue in our laundry room preventing us from doing laundry regularly. The laundry room plumbing connects to our kitchen sink, causing it to drain only sometimes and when the water from the washer isn't backing up into it, producing a very narrow window when I can actually wash dishes. That narrow window is not long enough for me to complete a full sink load of dishes at a time and I can only do dishes during day light hours because the kitchen light also burned out and I keep forgetting to replace it...until it's dark again!

Five humans live in this house. One meal is a sink load. Five days or more with out doing laundry...is disastrous.

Along with this, is the fact that my adventure van is sounding and running like a lawnmower, spewing strong fumes into it so that we have to drive with all the windows open just so we can slightly breathe.

This could all sound so horrible and awful and make any mom want to go back to bed and stay there. I could have gotten angry. Given in to agitation. I could whine and complain about how terrible my life is, all day.

None of that would be true though. Sure, it's inconvenient. Last week a drawer face broke off, as someone tried to open it. Just snapped right off one side.

None of this will last forever though. Nothing ever does, good or bad. Everything will be fixed eventually. We did get a brand new water heater, after the old one had been continuously leaking and running for months after we found out. We're renters in this home and we have a good deal.

My side kitchen garden is really thriving and looks so lovely even though earlier in the week I had to pull out a mold diseased squash plant. It was a bummer but everything else is still looking good. The garden looks beautiful and lovely with it's mix of edible herbs, vegetables and wild flowers.

I can choose to focus on the FEW things wrong in my life right now. I choose to focus on the temporary nature of EVERYTHING in my life right now. The plumbing will be fixed. We have more than enough clothes. I can wash dishes in increments. I own a plunger. The Mr. was helpful enough to try and readjust the restroom sink plumbing to prevent more over flow when he came to pick up the ktbunch. We shared a laugh. The ants died and more may or may not be back tomorrow but my 5yo thinks it's the funnest thing ever to get to "spray the spray" and kill them.

I have a rush custom baby bloomer order to fulfill today that put some cash in my back pocket. I have a lovely family. I have a great sense of humor. I have a great job opportunity I'm starting, that is challenging and loaded with potential. Life is ALWAYS good. I really have no reason to get down. My live is lovely and beautiful and sometimes inconvenient which makes for fun stories and possible blog posts and laughter and snarky, sarcastic comments to process.

Life is going to end sooner than any of us will ever want. There may be painful moments. There will be lots of fabulous moments. I choose to not waste any more time focused on the negative or what is 'wrong' with it. I may share and let you in on some of it but a bad moment does not make for a bad day...or a bad life.

This is how my family not only survives but thrives.
Smile on.

Restoration is NOT the Exception

...it is the RULE!

God declares in His Word that he restores what has been consumed. And if you read the verse that describes the locusts etc...it describes NOTHING being left. NOTHING! Not a stalk, not a leaf, NOTHING left to harvest what so ever.

 *~*Joel 1:4 

What the chewing locust left, 

the swarming locust has eaten; 

What the swarming locust left, 

the crawling locust has eaten;

And what the crawling locust left, 

the consuming locust has eaten.*~*

 SO if things look beyond bleak, DEAD, nothing but rot, obviously impossible--THAT is what He restores.

I am meeting people every week on the OTHER SIDE of being *restored*...restored to Christ and never in a million years could I have imagined the lives they had led prior...murderers, promiscuous, vandals, drug addicts, murdering their own children via abortion...on and on and on. GOD RESTORES! NO ifs, ands or buts about it!

 *~* Joel 2:25 

“So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, 

The crawling locust, 

The consuming locust, 

And the chewing locust, 

My great army which I sent among you."*~*

(this entire chapter is worth reading!)

Faith Not Fear

No! You are NOT going out like that! This is NOT how it ends!

Today was harder than I expected. I started the day by over-sleeping, which NEVER happens, lately I've been waking up *earlier* than usual, like before 7am! Today I woke up at 9:15 am when we leave at 9:30am to get to church...so, of course we were late.

My husband came and got our kids later...my laptop kept tripping so I never got to print the cute Father's day cards I planned to give him! They all left and I just broke down. Felt more like crawling into bed rather than attend night church alone. So many tears...

I forced myself to go and prayed for all of us and our hurting children...many, many more tears. Worshipping anyway...tears, tears, tears...BUT....

Such an encouraging message! To have FAITH NOT FEAR! To NOT give up! The pastor got up to speak but didn't...called us to press in and worship more! Wow! What a challenge to push beyond myself, my own pain, hurt and brokenness, to surrender my whole heart and CHOOSE to WORSHIP instead. Hallelujah!

God IS faithful. In the broken surrender, the break through comes. It truly shines in the darkness. A heart worships in hope that the words sung, become a truth. And they do. The joy bursts forth, over shadowing those tears of sorrow. Strength is restored for tomorrow.

Hello June

♡♡♡Luke 1:26-28 In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth,

a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.”♡♡♡

★Who knows what could happen in this sixth month of the year? Or in the next six months...Or who might visit...★

Your Prayers Matter, Momma

My oldest returned from the Philippines. He is the one kneeling, touching this little girl's face. They prayed for healing, she had a toothache-it was gone after they prayed.

What really moved me was seeing these young men, serving and praying over another child. They could have chosen any other way to spend 10 days of their lives, than in 90 degree heat with % 90 humidity, in a third world country.

Teach your children how JESUS is ALL that really matters in this life! Don't ever stop praying over, for and with them!!!! Speak life! Then understand its God's grace they really need, NOT you or their other parent. This life may feel broken...but the enemy does not and will NOT have the next generation!

They will lead the rending of hearts. This picture brings me to tears...you are looking at over 2 DECADES of a mommas prayers! WHO do you think packed that little boy's lunch of fish and loaves that was transformed into a meal for 5000+ other people?

Daddies and mommies fail, we disappoint and we wound...and you humble yourself, get on your knees and don't stop praying until you see the fulfillment! My prayers for this scrawny 4lb preemie (21 years ago) have reached the heart of a little Philipino girl with a toothache! Have reached the heart of another momma who's daughter was suffering. My son's suffering and prayers ministered to another child's suffering. Christ is with them all. He's connecting us with each other, across continents, countries, islands, cultures, genders, ages and generations. Christ's heart for us knows no bounds.

Be encouraged today momma and poppa...your pain, suffering and PRAYERS are not in vain.


 Proverbs 22:6 NIV Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.  

It Passed Over

The angel of death will pass over...

These words were on my heart this week with everything I was facing combined with the regular issues I have been dealing with and it being Passover Week.

I clung to them as a personal promise as I entered the welfare office for the interview with the fraud investigator.

I felt very afraid as I was told, by well meaning friends,  real stories of women being accused, charged and penalized by suspension of benefits, fines and even prison time. I had no idea how this would play out or what to expect.

My husband and I drove mostly in silence on the way there. Then we sat mostly in silence for the 45 minutes we waited for the investigator. I began to wonder if I was in the right place or I had possibly gone to the wrong offices.

We were finally called into one of the regular welfare interview booths. The investigator was wearing a sheriff's green polo shirt that had a large golden badge embroidered on her upper left hand shoulder, the around the neck ID and sparkly gold eye shadow. She introduced herself with the same firm demeanor she used when she had come to my door.  She directed her comments toward my husband, "I am not a case worker, I am a welfare fraud investigator, a police officer. I have been investigating you since February." She reiterated how she had come to my door, that I refused her entry to my home and that I was not required to allow her into my home.

I had dressed as professionally as I could with what I had, black pants, a fitted black shirt with a built in white collar, light, fitted grey jacket and closed toe grey shoes--that were much tighter than the last time I wore them. My husband was in his standard work clothes. I handed over my documents and sat up straight. I remained silent through most of the interview. I did feel a little defensive when she began to tell me how I could put my children in outside school, not home school, because that was a personal choice. "And my husband's..." I said. I felt a little more defensive when she told me I could get a job or get on cash aid to alleviate some of the tension between my husband and myself. I then pointed out the discrepancy between my husband's income last year vs his current income. 

She continued to address most of her comments and questions to my husband, including giving him unsolicited advice about filing for divorce for free, lowering his child support and relieving his financial stress and tension by suggesting that I apply for cash aid. She made a point to add that all of this could have been avoided and my husband would not have had to miss work, if I had only allowed her into my home in the first place. I refuse to look down and lower my head but kept my gaze focused on the clock on the wall behind her with my hands folded in a relaxed manner, on the counter top in front of me. I prayed silently to myself the entire time but there were moments that I could not hold it together and tears spilled out. Especially when she referred to my husband as my "husband"...at least a dozen times or more.

After she dictated to us what to write on an affidavit, and sign, it was over. She ended the interview with, "You can pick up an application for cash aid on your way out, since you're here, and make an appointment."

I could not get out of there fast enough. My heels made deep clicking sounds on the linoleum. I hadn't noticed it before the interview but it was very attention getting on my way out. I tried to hold it together at least until I was outside.

I tripped and lost my balance a bit as I crossed the cracked concrete of the parking lot drive-way, rushing to my car. There wasn't any sidewalk where I had parked. I took off my heels and walked barefoot on the thick green grass. I opened the back passenger door, throwing my heels and paperwork into the back seat. I walked barefoot on the asphalt to the driver side door, got in, leaned my head on the steering wheel, let out a confused deep breath along with my tears, and waited for my husband. He never showed up.

I went back to look for him in the office. I drove around looking for him. I went into the office a second time. Security looked in the restroom for me and also let me use the phone to call him. He did not answer. I felt worried. I went home, but I kept an eye out for him the entire way. Maybe he had a friend pick him up? When I got home, I called him again and left another message. 

Maybe he had his sister come and get him? I called his mom but they had not heard from him. His sister sent him a text and he finally called me. "I'm walking home."

"Why, what happened?"

"Because I don't want to be in a car with you," he angrily responded.

"Why?" I was shocked by his anger.

Click. He hung up on me with out an answer.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The angel of death will pass over...

I felt a little confused, lost, defeated maybe...Mostly just confused--it was hard to tell if I could really claim victory or not...

I meditated more on this angel of death scenario...the angel of death DID pass over the Hebrews--and they woke up the next day STILL ENSLAVED! Think about that a little bit.

They were spared a plague BUT the thing they wanted most: their FREEDOM, had still not manifested. They were finally released and Pharaoh changed his mind and went after them...then they were cornered up against the Red Sea...we know what happens.

We're in this war and God is giving us promises and encouragement for each battle. These battles are NOT the big war!  The final victory IS coming--I believe. Praise God even in the small victories or in the midst of battle. 

...the plague will not...destroy you. 

Showing Respect Toward the Separated Husband

There are times, of course, when it feels easier to respect your husband. Such as when he is being loving, is well rested and polite, meeting your needs and being understanding. I know first hand how challenging it can be when your life and marriage are not living up to even basic expectations. Or worse–you are estranged or separated from your husband and he isn’t exactly behaving respectable.

 …and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33 b

We know this verse. Most wives do. I knew it but my understanding was limited. My filters and guard were very high and leery of this verse. I didn’t trust it. I mean isn’t respect earned? If I give it freely, well, it won’t be valued right? *I* won’t be valued!

Read more as I pray for you and share at Intentionally Yours today...