What Do You Expect?

🕊 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13 🕊 

What if you fail? What if you get fired? You have no idea what you are doing! Don't get your hopes up in case you mess this up. Imagine how it will feel to tell everyone you were fired after telling them you finally found a job!?! Don't even tell anyone you got a job...just in case!

Those were the desperately frantic and fearful thoughts running through my head immediately after I was offered and accepted a position at a school, for exactly the type of job I was looking for.

The anxiety began to reach a fevered pitch. As I have many times before, I wondered if I had been called to a life of suffering or struggle, therefore, told myself not to get to excited when good things happened. We know there were followers and lovers of Christ that suffered greatly. The disciples faced immense hardship and persecution. Perhaps that is my calling, my gift? When the struggle lingers, long suffering becomes an intimately familiar way of life.

STOP!!! I thought-yelled at myself.

The infamous Jeremiah 29:11 came to my mind as I attempted to talk myself down, speaking truth to my heart and soul (don't act like you never think-talk to yourself!). 

I have trained for this. I AM trained for this. This is exactly what I have been working toward and wanted. THIS has been the plan all along. Why wouldn't they want me? I AM qualified. God has not brought me this far to fail...or get fired.

What are your expectations? Are you living in the expectation of failure, or a life of suffering? God tells us He has good plans for us. Some versions use the word ‘thoughts’ - He has good thoughts toward us.

God gave me a very clear plan to follow. So why would He not bring it to fruition? He also promises in His Word that he will complete the works He starts in us. Does this not also include the paths He implores us to follow?

We can confidently trust that He keeps His Word. He has not set us up to fail or fall short. Learn and grow? Yes. He is not a game player or promise breaker. He declares His plans and thoughts for us are for good. Knowing this, choosing to believe it, means we can walk and act as people of value and worth, because our God sees us valuable enough that when He looks at us, He declares, 'That's MY girl!' and 'That's MY guy!'

I don't have to expect suffering. I can expect a good end for my effort. I can expect good things to come my way. Rewards for hard work. Why expect anything less from a good and loving God?

He has prepared you.
Go and succeed!

Practiced Silence

 I feel like I've been fighting against silence my entire life.

When an older boy invited a few of us 1st grade girls to sit on his lap on the swing and then put his fingers in our underwear--I pretended to fall off of him, without a word. I told my mom...and I think another little friend who said he did the same thing to her. I think we told a few other girls to stay away from him. Our teacher told us not to tell anyone else because then those people would tell others and eventually so many people would know. My mom told the authorities at the school immediately and I *think* I remember having to repeat it to police? But I could be remembering wrong. The boy had to leave the school.

Later, I was told my dad was not my biological dad. I did not realize what it really meant for my heart and soul. That is when the lies of my heart and fragmenting of my identity began because from that moment on--I was NOT who I SAID I was. I thought I was 'brown' but I wasn't. When I was a teen, I wanted more information and my mom refuse to tell me anything. She said she was not ready. Again, silence. I was forced to carry the burden of her secret and that was unfair.

Between there somewhere, I was getting groped by a close member of the family. I don't remember when it started but I had decided I had to take care of myself. I handled it, in silence. Unfortunately, as a kid, I would sometimes forget again, and there he was. Always ready for me to forget and walk by too close. 

It all came out when I started triggering with a boy friend in high school. I was fine the entire summer we spent making out. I broke the silence but...it accomplished nothing. He was allowed back in our family's life. An even closer family member, swears he molested his daughter. I was told she admitted it. But so? Nothing changed except if he was around, we all acted as if he wasn't. We blocked him out in silence...until he just faded away. He's still here. He even spent years coaching girls sports. Everyone practiced the silence now. For who's benefit? At what cost? 

I verbally fought with my mom a lot in high school. I felt this rage inside--I think it was the silence trying to escape--fighting for a way out. I was never known for 'being quiet'. I was sassy as heck. Always my 'mouth' that 'got me in trouble.' But so many words I wasn't allowed to express. 'Why didn't you protect me?' came out as 'I HATE YOU!'

Let me not forget the moment I was told a female can not be a pastor. Because the Bible says. That's the verdict. No debate, no question. Women are not allowed to speak...in the church. 
But the marriage. The marriage provided the strongest silencing influence. There are still events I have never shared aloud and I don't know if I ever will...or can. But mostly, my voice is returning. It's not raging anymore. It's controlled and assertive, or written...mostly.

Growth Mindset for Adults

I'm excited to attend my first official guitar class tonight! {I've owned my guitar for 11+ years!!!!} I saw a FB ad for a FREE group class just for females. I'm hoping lessons after that, are affordable. I'm also back to ballet on Thursday nights. Its a riot-I  to dance but I am NO ballerina! Lol

I am now convinced if you want to experience *personal growth*, over come fear of failure and perfectionism-taking a ballet class is the answer. Lol I'm obviously there to learn or I wouldn't be in the class. But not being already good or excelling at something is way out of my comfort zone. Who wants to intentionally fail?

I am in my last semester of my teaching program and I found also taking a class like ballet, has helped with my "growth mindset" over all. It may sound silly but allowing myself the grace to be clumsy in ballet has helped me to accept grace and make mistakes in my methodology classes and student teaching.

In my 20-25 years of marriage I developed a strong fear of failure and perfectionism. Because you know, if I was just *perfect*, my marriage wouldn't have ended and my children's father would have *loved* me. {eyeroll}

This has been so eye opening for me and also empowering but not without great struggle and a lot of work to untangle myself from this unhealthy and irrational way of thinking.

What are you doing to stretch and grow your mind, body & spirit?

Where Else Can I Go?

When you show up to church heavy hearted, heart broken, grieved over your own brokeness...and friends unexpectedly bless you. 

What demonstrations of Christ's unconditional love and grace. When I'm less than deserving and want to hide from His divine presence-but I show up anyway. Where else can I go? Where can I hide from His presence?

So I bring my shame and He brings me flowers? He showers me with gifts. Not because He approves but because He continues to love, even when He does not approve. In that space of safe love and acceptance, I am convicted and corrected. May I never miss an opportunity to share this same abundance of grace and forgiveness toward others, that has been shown me. 

❤💔❤

Developing Patience While Giving Up Control

Patience, yah, yah, yah. It's easy to become impatient most days. All is well until something isn't going your way. When it involves parenting, I am learning more and more, it's less about controlling your children and more about being patient with them.

When I was a younger parent, my understanding (and teaching I received) was that the point was to get your children to obey you. If you did X, enough times or forcefully enough, they would eventually know to obey. Of course, they would love and respect you all the more.

As I have grown as a person and a parent, I realize we control no one. My children are not robots, they are free thinkers and they are free to choose how they respond to me and anyone else. I have made it clear, there are consequences to every choice, good and bad.

Some days they make better choices and others...they don't. Just as I do and don't. What is a parent to do when a child is having an uncooperative day? It's funny that we call them uncooperative, they could very easily call us uncooperative. It's the truth, isn't? We are not doing what our child wants us to do, whatever that may be in their mind at the time. Who is really being uncooperative here?

We are the adults, we naturally have more life experience. Yes, my six year old must learn to read and that learning requires he read aloud to me for a minimum amount of time. When he does not want to follow my instructions, nothing I do can force him to. Sure, I can give a swat, reason with him, try to cajole or bribe him, raise my voice or any other number of methods to convince him that my way is the right way.

Maybe one of those attempts will work. Maybe they won't. Until they do though, it is still my responsibility to remain patient. See how that works?  He is another human being with his own will, thoughts, ideas and preferences. I can have perfectly logical and good reasons for him to do what I want. To himself, he may have his own set of reasons that make perfect sense to him, why he should have things his way.

We say, Lord, give me patience. Another responds: don't pray for patience, or you will be tested on it. Okay, that is just nonsense! One fruit of the Holy Spirit IS patience. Either you have it or you don't...or...

If we believe we have the Holy Spirit living within us we will produce proof, in the form of good fruit. Here's the thing though, fruit doesn't magically appear. It takes time to blossom, and grow. You may have fruit that is not in season or ripe yet. We can develop the fruit of the spirit over time!

It's a constant pruning and nurturing to develop good fruit. The more opportunities we have to exhibit patience, the more that virtue will grow within us. How freeing! Every time another person isn't doing what I want (if we're honest, that is what it always comes down to) I have the opportunity to practice patience. In that time of practicing, perhaps, I will change instead. Perhaps I will come to see a new or different perspective I did not see before. However, if I continue to demand MY way, whether this is in parenting, marriage, friendship, at work or ministry, I have quenched potential fruit, and possibly bruised a relationship or a relationship in the making.

As a parent (or any human being really) I must be willing to give up the attempt to control others. I must allow others the freedom to make mistakes, even big ones, and allow them to handle the consequences of those choices. If the choice made produces negative consequences, we then have the opportunity to extend grace and help those we care about navigate through the consequences. It's a wonderful beauty to be part of this process.

God never leaves us alone and I don't believe He expects us to instantly get everything right, every time. His love does not change for us because we have made the wrong choice. He gives us options and encourages us to make good choices but He never forces us. He reasons with us, through His Word, gives warnings and shows us through the many examples of those who have gone before us, possible outcomes of our choices. We are though, always free to make our own choice.

He shows the ultimate patience and grace with us, sometimes waiting our entire lives, for us to call out to Him for help. I can do the same with my child in any given moment or with others I love and care about. He has given us all we need, it is up to us to reach out and access it. It's up to nurture the good fruit within to produce right when it is needed.

A child or anyone else, who is not cooperating, doesn't need more force coming against them, what they need, is more patience, grace and love. To be honest, it's probably what I need in that very same moment as well. 

Another New Normal

Trusting in this, in Him, tonight. I feel disheveled. Wanting to regain my balance. My mind feels...flighty.

Realized more was stolen (in the break-in) ...but most of all, my peace. Giving myself grace to accept feeling off-kilter for awhile-accepting this vulnerability & lack of comfort that follows-as 'perfectly normal'. Surrendering *to* instead of striving *against*. There are too many what-ifs that I can not control, to waste any more energy pondering...or fearing.
Tomorrow will be better.

Red Sky at Night

'Red sky at night, sailors delight.'

My phone doesn't do this fiery sky justice...which may just be the point. Some beauty is not meant to be contained or captured. Stepping out of work to encounter this brilliant view, was the best thing that happened to me today.

I know that God is good all the time...sometimes He just makes it more obvious. 

The Unfairness of Grace Part 3: Expose' of the Gracious Heart

How much more of this grace stuff is there? You can’t possibly understand what I have gone through. The pain, disappointment and betrayal I have experienced. I mean, when is enough, ENOUGH?

I’ll show grace after…when…or not until…

Well, maybe after you have paid your penance, that I have determined will suffice.
Perhaps, after you have put in your time.
Wear that sack cloth just a little while longer.

All of this adult ‘time out’ seems an appropriate price to pay, doesn’t it?

Posting over at at Intentionally Yours today...read more....

The Unfairness of Grace part 2: Extravagant Injustice

Grace is unfair

So you tell me; My spouse has left, running around with someone new, living the high life. Suddenly, extreme grace doesn't look so attractive anymore. Maybe it’s not revenge, exactly…but hey, some form of payment would be nice. Ok, let’s call it a “consequence.” Surely, God won’t let them get away with hurting ME like this. Will He?

I’ve been in those moments, of being more concerned with having my hurt validated than by trusting and watching the amazing power of grace. How can you forgive something like that? How can you forgive it again? How many times are you going to go through this?

Injustice: Grace blesses your enemies

The truth is, I can’t forgive anything. God can. He did. He is the one who sacrificed, not me. That is grace. I don’t have to wish ill upon my spouse or anyone else. In fact, the Bible clearly instructs us to BLESS our enemies and not to curse them. If consequences were so important, why would God ask us to bless our enemies? Bless the source of our pain and heart ache? Bless those that curse us?

Posting over at Intentionally Yours today...Read More.

The Unfairness of Grace Part 1: Indiscriminate Access

Grace is unfair.

That is pretty much the point. One man, yet a deity, sacrificed his own life so that you could have yours. Not only for you, but for every other human being who has and ever will be on this planet.

That is extreme grace.

We love to look at that grace and sometimes our eyes water, maybe a tear falls for the unworthiness we feel to have been awarded such a prize. To be chosen. To be viewed as so valuable, someone would willingly die for us.

Read more at Intentionally Yours...

365 Days

That's how long ago I was given a promise, a word of encouragement. I only know the date because I wrote it down in my journal. I could never forget the moment, though.

I can't tell you why I went to Target that day. I don't know what solace I expected to find in a store, especially since I had no money to spend. I had finished school, graduated the month before. All the highlights and celebrations were over. There was no more daily routine to keep me going, keep me moving.

I crashed. Emotionally.

My life was the farthest it had ever been from the dreams I had for it. As I walked down the toy aisle, my kids asking for this and that, pointing out every exciting item that grabbed their attention and promised fulfillment, the tears started to over flow. I couldn't contain them.

I looked at the pools, the slip-and-slides, the funtastic sprinklers that I couldn't afford. I knew they wouldn't bring satisfaction, they wouldn't fill the aching gap in our hearts and souls but they'd certainly offer a few hours of respite. A break from the daily pain over our fractured family, we were trying to wade through.

GOD!

All my disappointments, hopes, desperation, dreams, and prayers were contained in that one word. My heart cry.

He answered with this:

Which became this, as I processed and listened a little more intently.

Relationally and financially, our lives were a wreck. Beyond a wreck. I didn't know where my rent would come from, much less the other basic living expenses like groceries, car insurance, gasoline and monthly utilities. I held on to that word of hope, tightly, desperately. I prayed desperately. Help came. It came in various forms. Supernaturally, naturally, anonymously, when asked for, unexpectedly, right on time, when not asked for, it was there.

My children needed clothes. I instructed them to pray first. Then trash bags full of awesome clothes would arrive randomly. Gifts were given. I got side jobs here and there. Each month, I practically begged God to provide for our rent. Each month, eventually it got paid.

As the months passed, my prayers became less desperate and more faith filled as I saw God continue to provide through various means. By December, exactly six months later, I knew I no longer had to beg God for help. I knew the help would be there, consistently and I could praise Him for it. Praise Him, even in advance.

The Mr. booked a commercial AND got a regular day job. Our rent went from being non-existent and scraping by for it, to being two weeks late. Each month, it was paid closer and closer to it's due date. Each month I praised God and hoped that maybe one day we could even pay it on time! By June 30, 2013, exactly one year since I had made that walk of shame and despair through Target, we had the rent early, two weeks early.

Our utility bills were getting paid randomly and were more often than not, months behind. Getting paid when it was desperate and we had received a disconnect notice. By June 2013, I was able to make a payment to get them all caught up. The Mr. then accidentally made another payment which caused them to be over-paid and have a credit. Now they are paid up for three months in advance!

The brakes on my car, for some unknown reason, kept going out. We would replace the brake pads, which was the cheapest way to go. By June 2013, we were able to take the car in to the dealership and have everything taken care of fully.

Last year, our oldest son generously contributed as much of his paycheck as was necessary toward our household finances. It's been months since he's 'had' to do that (beyond his own personal financial obligations). Not only that, but his hours at work have increased. He is now making twice as much money as he was last year when he was covering some of the monthly expenses.

I am a different person than I was when I walked through Target that day. We all are. God really does restore. He brings things back into order.

I could go on and on. The main thing is, God DOES keep His promises. He does keep His Word. He is real. He speaks and He changes your life. He IS who He says He is! I am excited to see what THIS next year will hold!

My Two Dads: A Double Portion

As I pray for restoration of one area in my life, I am reminded of how much God desires restoration in all areas of our lives.  Before my husband and I separated, over a year ago, I had not set foot in my dad’s house for three years. After my mother (the love of his life) died, he remarried. It was not a good situation and my brothers and I became estranged from my dad. We rarely saw him, which was a complete change of how close we used to be as a family.

When I started this restoration journey for my own marriage and family, I began to see God work in all the other fractured parts of my life. Soon after my husband and I separated, my dad re-entered our lives.  I hadn’t even realized what a profound affect this was having in my heart and marriage. As my heart was filled with love from a father to a daughter, I felt myself begin to ‘grow up’.  As I began to experience healing in this area, I was able to begin to relate to my husband less as the ‘wounded little girl’ and more as a ‘grown woman and wife’.  As my relationship with my earthly father improved, so did my understanding of my Heavenly Father.

Read more...Sharing at Intentionally Yours today.

It was a feverish, vomiting, couch cover washing, car dying, audition rescheduling, neck aching, grace needing, low key kind of day.

My day was planned. I had a plan. It was a full but good plan. Take oldest to work, earlier than usual, take middle to an audition later in the day, and everything in between. Those two spots were the required tasks, all the rest were every day filler.

Instead, the youngest woke in the middle of the night, fearful and with a high fever. It continued into the day but now accompanied by whining and fatigue.

The middle son woke up still feeling residual fatigue, achiness and an over all not-feeling-good, from the day before. That led to a little debate and then the decision to call in, and unfortunately, opt out of the audition.

Not long after, youngest woke up from a morning nap, started crying again and promptly vomited all over the couch.  I strip the couch covers off. Only one cushion was the lucky recipient but you can't just wash ONE cover, right? Youngest goes in the bath, crying the entire time.

At some point a desperate phone call was made to a friend for spiritual support--I knew we were headed for one of those days. Youngest fell back to sleep. It would not bode well to try and get him dressed and in the car to take oldest to work...yah, it wasn't even noon yet.

Left middles home with youngest and proceeded to take oldest to work. Which required a trip to the gas station first and then swing by the bank. Between the gas station and the bank, my car died. It just stopped. In the street. I restarted it. Detour to Pep Boys to get oil because that is all I really know how to check and do. Oldest had to let his boss know, he would be late coming in early.  Car was a little shaky but drove. This deserves a Starbucks run by now. I had a gift card. Unexpected, extra long line. Swing by the bank and finally headed to oldest's job, late coming in early.

Back home, every one's awake again, watching cartoons.
"Mommy, I cried for you," says my youngest as he starts crying again.
Agent calls and audition has been rescheduled to next week. Yay! More vomiting, of an orange, on the blanket that was covering the bare couch cushions.

More crying. Middle son makes a miraculous recovery after the audition is rescheduled and a shower. The youngest seems best to sleep in nothing but a towel.

The Mr. is not going to be able to take the kids out after all, since there is vomiting involved. They hang out here. Watching a movie sounds good...along with laundry. Oldest calls, his ride misunderstood. I'm back out to get him, later than usual, due to the mix up. Drop him off at his Bible study.  I fall asleep long before he ever gets home.

We make plans. We have plans. Plans are good...usually. I keep thinking of this verse, for my life right now, as hope for other people. God will direct other peoples steps...according to MY plans...which of course, line up with God's plans...I'm sure of it.

Then there is this day. What plans? I trust the day to His plans. Knowing He has a plan. I'm living it. It's now.   Even when it includes vomit and head aches and requires grace. Lots of it. In the midst of laundry, these are His plans. I don't know why. He will and is directing my steps in the way I should go. I can surrender the change of plans, my steps to Him...because I choose to trust.

Dear Wounded Child

I want to address every child that has ever been wounded, disappointed or let down by a parent. I want to stand in for your parent that has disappointed you. We are adults, and you were right to expect us to behave like ones. I want to say I am sorry.

I am sorry that we did not protect you. I am sorry for being selfish and putting my own wants and desires first. I am sorry for letting you down. I'm sorry that we did not behave as adults. I'm sorry that we put you in a position of having to grow up too fast, for having to take care of yourself when we should have been the ones to take care of you. I'm sorry for acting immaturely and more like a kid than an adult.

I'm sorry we didn't keep it together for you. I'm sorry that we didn't respect your other parent enough to maintain an intact family for you to grow up in. I'm sorry for the ways and times I didn't listen to you when you had something on your heart to tell me. I'm sorry I didn't show up when I said I would. I'm sorry I forgot you at school. I'm sorry I left you unsupervised and allowed you to face temptations you weren't ready to handle yet. I'm sorry I didn't always follow the standards I told you to follow. I'm sorry we demanded respect while we acted disrespectfully. I'm sorry we separated from your other parent. I'm sorry we divorced and you had to go between two houses and then got mad when you forgot stuff. I'm sorry we never married and I introduced you to a new parent and that caused you to feel confused.

I'm sorry I lied to you about where you came from. I'm sorry I didn't protect you and allowed you to be introduced to topics too young. I'm sorry I yelled when you spilled your drink. I know it was an accident. I'm sorry I was too busy to just give you a hug or tousle your hair. I'm sorry I didn't even notice when you needed a hug or that time you were crying alone in your room. I'm sorry we didn't maintain our authority and position as your parents and let you make decisions you weren't able to take on yet.

I'm sorry for losing my temper, for calling you names. I'm sorry you were left alone. I'm sorry I scared you.  I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me the most. I am sorry that we failed you. Big time. There is no excuse. I want you to know though, that it wasn't your fault. It was mine. It was ours. We failed you. We were supposed to protect you and provide for you and we didn't.

It wasn't your fault. Do you hear me? It wasn't. You were a kid. You were meant to behave like a kid and we were supposed to be an example of responsible adult behavior. I want you to know that you don't need to carry around that guilt any more. It wasn't your fault we never married your other parent, or separated or even divorced from them. None of that was ever really about you. It was about us. It was our own selfishness. We are sorry for bringing you into our problems. We should have exhibited more self control. We should have shown more love. We should have taught you how to work out problems instead of running away from them.  You deserved more respect from us. You deserved to be loved and accepted. We are sorry you felt rejected. You deserve to be taken care of as a child. We should have pursued more of a relationship with you. It was selfish of us to expect you to chase after us. It was selfish of us to blame your other parent.

You are worthy to be loved. You need to know that. You are not destined to fail or to repeat our failures. You have your own path to walk. You need to know that God has a greater path ahead for you. A path that is not bound to our mistakes. You can release the anger toward us. We deserve it. We want you to know, though, that it was not meant to be your burden to carry. We are sorry for putting our own burdens on you to carry.

You are destined for greatness, not mediocrity. You are meant to soar and succeed. Your dreams are not stupid. They are amazing. You are amazing. You were not a mistake or an accident. You were meant to be born. There is a great plan and destiny for your life. I want you to be free to follow it, to live it. You are smart. You have talents and gifts that are uniquely yours. Don't be afraid to use them. Don't be afraid to let your light shine. You can go to school and do well. You can get good grades. You can paint or sing or dance or act. You can do research and find answers. You can read great books. You can learn new things. You can get a great job and excel at it. You can enjoy it. You are responsible and you can make good choices.

You will get a second chance. If we ruined your childhood--we want you to know you have a second chance. When you have your own kids. You are free to have fun, to laugh, to play ball, to roll around in the grass with them. You are free to enjoy their childhood and have fun all over again.

You do not need to behave like us. You do not have to be neglectful or selfish. You are free to love your own children. You are free to let them love you. You are free to cuddle and snuggle with them. You are free to tickle them, hug and kiss them. You are free to have family dinners around the table. You are free to listen to them. You are free to laugh at their silly jokes. You can smile when they spill their drink accidentally. You don't have to yell.

You are free to love, honor and respect your spouse too, their parent. You don't have to repeat our bad behaviors. You are free to be faithful and loving. You are free to love. You will be a great parent and a great spouse. You will honor others. You will treat others respectfully. You will keep your word, your commitments, your vows. You will be trustworthy.

We want you to know that you really were a great kid. We hope you will forgive us and choose to be free. We want you to be everything you were destined to be. We want to see you succeed in spite of us. You were born to succeed. Don't give up. Please forgive us and be free.

Our scarlett letters

Dear sister, believe me when I tell you, I know the pain in your heart. It’s unbelievable at times. It’s a whirlwind and all you want to do is to be able to walk out of it, intact. There’s no hiding these types of situations. Everywhere you go, whatever you do, it’s as if YOU are the one wearing the Scarlett Letter.

A for Adultery

A for Almost but Not Quite Enough

A for Anything but This

A for Abandoned

A for All Your Shattered Dreams

A for All Exposed

A for Asking for Answers

A for Abuse
A for Alcohol
A for Adoption

Maybe you didn’t put any of these on yourself. You didn’t ask to wear the T-shirt but here it is and it feels like it fits. Maybe you bought the Tshirt and had it custom made. It really doesn’t matter. What matters is that was never yours to begin with.

God had and still has a plan for your life. He promises that even the harmful things and situations, He will work out for good in your life. It takes a lot of faith to believe that when all you really see is the destruction and mess around you.

God is the one to help you clean it up. You have to let go of that Tshirt though. Exchange it for a garment of praise. For the clothing of righteousness. When all is exposed, it can hurt. It’s raw and your tender. God desires honestly of us all.

Forgive those that forced you to wear it. They did so out of fear. Because scarlet letters are contagious, don’t you know? Not really, but often times we think that. How many times have we pulled away from someone going through a hard time because it challenged our own way of thinking? If it could happen to them, maybe it can happen to us? Or we were prideful and thought something like that would NEVER happen to us, to our family. We thought we would never do such a thing. And on and on.

The reality is, mistakes happen every day. Huge ones. People fail. We fail ourselves and we fail God. We do minor stupid things and we make major, life changing wrong decisions. Yes, it feels unfair. Maybe it is. We often experience loss in life due to other people’s decisions. We may even get blamed for it.

Then what? Do we carry around that burden for the rest of our lives? Or do we step up, walk in grace and extend it, no strings attached? The real question, then, becomes; do you believe you are who God said you are?

There is no more hiding. We must be honest. We have all fallen and come short of the glory of God. That is why we need a Savior. We cannot make it in this life alone. We cannot forgive ourselves much less anyone else without the grace of God. We cannot save ourselves or anyone else. We can’t stop the pain or heal our wounds.

Yes, we can come to a place of forgiving the unthinkable—even the shame others put on us—because it was never ours to wear. 

Vows are for failures

...in sickness & in health, in good times & bad, for better and for worse, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part? Well, those were the vows I took and I meant them. I've surrounded myself with others who've supported and challenged me to keep those vows-not those who would disrespect me by disrespecting my word, my promise that I gave...I respect my vows, my self and my marriage. I wasn't joking, I didn't take it lightly. 

I was asked, invited, to be my husband's wife-I made a choice and freely and willingly agreed...and in doing so, I gave my commitment and stand by it and for it. I haven't remained married for over 20 years by taking my word lightly!!

Love, commitment, marriage, family and vows--aren't about being perfect. Exactly opposite. It's about loving in spite of disappointment. Keeping your word is about being someone your family can trust and depend on in the really hard, deep dark, moments. It's about grace for others and for yourself when you know you've failed big time and made a mess of things. It's about asking for help and being willing to give it. It's about faith in something bigger than just yourself or your own point of view. It's about starting right where you are--to be the person you vowed to be--to and for others.

It's about second and third and fourth chances. It's about forgiving, freely. About making a choice to do better, be better, to not give up-even if you 'feel' like it. Believing in love that is real because you choose to love not only because you think you feel it or not. I also vowed to love, cherish, respect, honor and forsake all others. That was the first part of the vow I made. The first part, is independent of the second part. I did not make a vow of fidelity and commitment based only on whether I was cherished, protected or loved...I made a vow of commitment, independently of the way I was treated. Independent of anyone else's behavior. I made a vow that I desired (and still desire) to keep.

I can tell you---with 20 years behind me--LOVE IS what you MAKE, not what you FALL for!

Let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up. Galations 6:9

None of us will ever perfectly maintain the first part of our vows, which is why I believe the second part of the vow was created and necessary. If we're honest, we will fail miserably at times. It's not only in good times, but a vow for bad times, poor times, a vow for the worst times. Maybe that is really it: vows are for failures...just like grace. I thought I made a vow in confidence that I could maintain the first part...never expecting my own failures would be why my vow included the second part.

We need vows because we will fail.

So come, let's make a covenant, you and I, and it will be a witness to our commitment. Genesis 31:44

A witness to our commitment.

Remember your covenant promises, for the land is full of darkness and violence! Psalm 74:20

God is Always Working

God is ALWAYS working & every moment up to NOW, has led UP TO NOW! Every prayer has been in the process of being answered & being fulfilled NOW...

Every trial, tribulation & failure brings us to HIM that is greater than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4 b ...He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.)...it is a process of transforming us into the person God has created us to be! 

Peter denied Christ three times...he walked w/ Christ, walked on water w/ Christ, he saw miracles performed, people healed & YET--> denial!

BECAUSE he had brokenness, doubt & fear WITHIN him...He didn't even realize it but GOD did and that was why He warned him...It HAD to be brought out (revealed, brought into the Light) so that it could be dealt with, so Peter could be healed and then FULLY restored by God. (Mark 4:22 For everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into the open, and every secret will be brought to light.) THEN he could go out & minister, on his own, as God had called him to do.

All issues need to be brought into the Light so healing can occur. God does not let us hide and we can only run for so long. Moses ran for 40 years...but God accomplished HIS will--he came back and indeed fulfilled God's promise to set His people free. Then another 40 years in the wilderness...and God STILL fulfilled HIS promise of leading His people into the promised land. All those years, decades, of refinement in the hearts of God's people.

Grace. It is not what WE accomplish but what God accomplishes in and through us. HIS will, will prevail.

When we are praying to become the man or woman God wants us to be, or praying that for others, it is a life long process. You are being transformed every moment, closer to what God has always envisioned you as. Even when you fail and you learn from that failure, you are closer to being the full you God created you to be.

Allow God to reveal and heal, within your own heart and within the hearts of others. Keep praying. Every past prayer is leading up to this moment and every future prayer is leading to the NEXT. ♥ ♥ ♥

A Call to Passion

This is what I'm looking for in my life. People, friends, lovers (of me, not my body) who are willing to rise to a higher standard, not slink down in lazy mediocrity.

I don't want to 'settle' anymore. I'm tired of settling. I'm tired of this feeling and attitude of just having to *accept* second best. I want to be a person who doesn't shrink back from challenge. Doesn't shy away from challenging people, places or situations. Are you stronger than me? Good!

I want to be surrounded by people who can challenge me to be stronger, strive harder, pray for the impossible. Where are those souls? The ones who aren't trying to suppress or oppress voices? The ones who aren't threatened or insecure. The ones who don't feel like a stronger voice is competition for their own agenda and self-promotion.

I want to be a person who isn't afraid to take God at His word. To believe He truly IS the God of the impossible. To challenge God to BE all that He claims he is. I'm not looking for the comfortable life.

I'm seeking the passionate life. The one that says: yes, I do have a voice and I want to hear yours. Yes, I am strong but only because I have friends and lovers strong enough to allow me to be me. A life that admits when I AM weak and trusts God's strength to help me continue on in passion for Him. Passion to change a life. Passion to change my life. Passion to admit God is changing my life.

A passion that declares the goodness of God while we're in the middle of shoveling manure. Where are those people? I know a few of them...

I want a life that says there is more than just life...there is a promise of abundant life. 

A life that declares joy. A life that grieves as passionately as it strives to celebrate. A life that refuses to believe in the impossible. A life willing to face challenge, embrace it, believing there is more than this. There is beauty around us. A life that refuses to walk away from love. A life that refuses to believe it can be nothing more than mediocre.

I refuse to believe life is meant to be so hard or depressing or sad and joyless. NO! I refuse. I refuse to admit defeat except when I'm acknowledging that I've been doing it in my own strength, power & limited knowledge void of divine intervention. A life that admits it can feel hard sometimes but embraces it anyway. A life that is not afraid of doing the hard things when it is the right thing to do.

I embrace the future because God says the future He has for me is one of hope, of prosperity. I am surrounded by prosperity. I not only have what I need but what I want. My cup runs over. I sit at a banqueting table, before my enemies and His banner over me is LOVE!

I am surrounded by love. I am surrounded by grace. I have so much that I can extend it beyond myself. I want a life that exemplifies grace and lets go of anger.

I want a life that holds tighter to the promises than to material things. A life that says, whatever I have is yours. Do you need something? Do I have what you need or want? If so, you are welcome to it. Every *thing* is replaceable and temporary.

A life that values people and time. I want to walk in God's time and realize that every moment is precious. Every moment is an opportunity to feel passionate. I don't want a life that is self-seeking. I want a life that serves, passionately. I want to be a lover, a passionate lover.

I want to tell you that God IS real. He loves You. He with holds no good thing from You. I want to admit I am nothing with out the power of Christ within me. I want you to know that I can only stand, write, speak, pray and love because of the grace of Christ running through my veins and beating within my heart.

I want you to know, like I know, that LOVE wins!  I want the faith that moves a mountain. I want a life that is free. I am free to forgive, regardless.

I want a partner that isn't trying to change me or remake me into their ideal. A partner that says I want you to be who Christ has created you to be. An equal partner in this life that isn't ruled by insecurity and fear. One that refuses to stay in a place of failure but walk in grace and is willing to passionately strive for excellence. I desire a friend that's willing to fight through it, fight through doubt to find the love. Fight through disappointment, fear and failure. A lover IS a fighter! Where is THAT strength? The strength that fights mediocrity!

I want to BE that partner. The one that admits I have failed horribly and I refuse to stay there! I don't want to lower my standards, I want friends who are willing to raise theirs.  I want a life that is willing to stop and stare at the sky and bask in His presence and awesome creation. One that charges forward and slows down to bring others along side.

I want to live a life that feels sorrow and still desperately clings to hope and LIFE. A life that LIVES.

I'm tired of fear filled, scared, half-lived living. Let's create a life that holds the scriptures as truth...not just the easy parts that we are confident in. Even the scriptures that we doubt...we hold tightly. I want friends willing to wrestle with God until we receive the blessings He's promised.

I want a community that isn't afraid to wrestle with God. I want friends, neighbors and family that consider Christ a friend and lover, not just this far away, distant God that lives beyond the stars, in judgment.

Can we be friends like that? Friends that make time? Embrace time. Friends that have the hard conversations that always lead back to truth. Friends who don't fear truth. Friends who desire truth more than soft words.

Am I that friend? Probably not. But I want to be. Friends who want to PRAY through tears and fears and sorrow and disappointment. I want friends who've been through the valley and aren't afraid to admit it. Friends who are IN the valley and feeling afraid but are moving forward anyway. I'm looking for friends who can be lovers...lovers of my soul, lovers willing to get dirty, lovers who desire to see grace work. Lovers willing to stay and help shovel the manure. I want friends who will pray for the impossible, beyond their own doubts.

I want to be the friend that admits: I'm sick of the manure but if YOU'RE in, I'M IN and grabs the shovel!

I'm tired of pretense. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of playing church, playing house, playing friends.
I'm tired of playing at life, coasting through, just hoping to make it out alive.

News Flash: we're NOT going to make it out alive!

The time for living is NOW. Life is not a lay over to eternity. Life is what makes eternity worth it. Life IS dirty. Let's stop pretending it isn't. Stop pretending like we have it together. I'm ready to lay my cards out on the table and admit I've really EFFED it up!

And guess what? I have NO idea how to clean it up. I can't. I'm not cool, not trendy, not hip. I don't have it all together. I'm often one breath away from throwing a brick through someone's window. I'm witty when I'm angry. I've hurt people. I've lost it. I'm standing here, covered in manure, with a torn heart on my sleeve. I'm needy and often pathetic.

My nose has run down my face and I've used my shirt to wipe it.

And here I am.

You'll fail me. I'll love you. I'll forgive you. I'll want to hold  a grudge and be angry and hate you and gossip about you. I want to prove my point. I want to be right...all.the.time. I want to win. I am competitive. I really want to have the last word.

Jesus loves me anyway. And His grace fills my heart to over-flowing when I think of you. It's Him, not me. And the failure--it's me, not Him. His divine love over powers me because I surrender. I admit total, utter and complete failure.

He died. Passionately.

For me. For you. For the friends and lovers and neighbors and family I have.
For the friends and lovers and neighbors and family I want to have.
For the friends and lovers and neighbors and family that I have yet to meet.

I am a passionate failure.

I am ready to embrace other passionate failures...that are ready and willing to join me in fighting our way OUT of this manure. Let's keep digging until we uncover the grace that is sufficient.

Hey! Maybe I just met you...and this is passionately crazy...
But, let's be friends. Call me! Maybe?

Grace is for Failures

It's been over a year now, since the Mr. and I separated. I guess I can finally say it, or write it 'aloud' now. It's been a challenging, heart-breaking and gut-wrenching year. To say the least when I want to say the most.

I didn't expect it to be this long. I've never expected to be on my own and definitely not with four kids (even if one is an adult) in tow. I never wanted to be. We're far enough away from impact now that I know for certain we can never, ever go back. I thought that was what I was longing for, hoping for--to go back.

It isn't really. It doesn't even matter what I was hoping for anymore, anyway. The past is dead and gone--or it should be...even if we keep looking back, we can never return.

All that we have is the present and the future. I choose to look forward with optimistic expectation.

I hope to continue on a journey of grace, from now until forever. It's a hard word to hold on to and I think it's only been within the past couple days that it finally began to permeate my soul. We toss it around. We desire it, we crave it. We like to think we are masters at giving it, extending it...but I don't think we are.

I think we're failures at it. We suck at grace. We suck at forgiveness with out strings attached. We suck at love. At least the unconditional kind.

We think unconditional love is about smiling instead of growling when the toilet seat is left up. When really it's about forgiving when all your left with is the $hi+  what's IN the toilet!

When the one you think you love is nothing like you ever imagined and you choose to remain in love. When you choose to accept all the broken pieces. When you allow others the freedom to choose to really  f**k  mess things up. The freedom to choose to be nothing like you've ever wanted to love...you find grace.

The grace you were looking for all along. You find the grace you need to let go. Let go of expectation. Let go of disappointment. Or at least I am. I am finding it. I am free to love regardless. I am free to forgive.

I am free to accept that I can not return to the past. And that is ok. The future is and will remain bright with hope. Something new and different is here. It's been developing all along and I am very excited about it. Freedom ushers it in.

Grace for myself...is honest. It exposes. Exposure of my failed heart. I failed to love adequately. I failed to be honest with myself and with others. Grace is for the afraid. Grace comes in to say, it's ok. Grace loves and it forgives and...maybe there is more.

Grace smiles when it's done crying. Surrenders when it's done striving.
Grace faces each day ready to give in abundance.

Grace can feel elusive but it's been there all along.
Grace believes in the impossible and waits for it.
Grace has been in every moment leading to this moment right now. It  remains. It's here to stay.

Welcome.

Grace was born for failures...in a manger.