I feel like I've been fighting against silence my entire life.
When an older boy invited a few of us 1st grade girls to sit on his lap on the swing and then put his fingers in our underwear--I pretended to fall off of him, without a word. I told my mom...and I think another little friend who said he did the same thing to her. I think we told a few other girls to stay away from him. Our teacher told us not to tell anyone else because then those people would tell others and eventually so many people would know. My mom told the authorities at the school immediately and I *think* I remember having to repeat it to police? But I could be remembering wrong. The boy had to leave the school.
Later, I was told my dad was not my biological dad. I did not realize what it really meant for my heart and soul. That is when the lies of my heart and fragmenting of my identity began because from that moment on--I was NOT who I SAID I was. I thought I was 'brown' but I wasn't. When I was a teen, I wanted more information and my mom refuse to tell me anything. She said she was not ready. Again, silence. I was forced to carry the burden of her secret and that was unfair.
Between there somewhere, I was getting groped by a close member of the family. I don't remember when it started but I had decided I had to take care of myself. I handled it, in silence. Unfortunately, as a kid, I would sometimes forget again, and there he was. Always ready for me to forget and walk by too close.
It all came out when I started triggering with a boy friend in high school. I was fine the entire summer we spent making out. I broke the silence but...it accomplished nothing. He was allowed back in our family's life. An even closer family member, swears he molested his daughter. I was told she admitted it. But so? Nothing changed except if he was around, we all acted as if he wasn't. We blocked him out in silence...until he just faded away. He's still here. He even spent years coaching girls sports. Everyone practiced the silence now. For who's benefit? At what cost?
I verbally fought with my mom a lot in high school. I felt this rage inside--I think it was the silence trying to escape--fighting for a way out. I was never known for 'being quiet'. I was sassy as heck. Always my 'mouth' that 'got me in trouble.' But so many words I wasn't allowed to express. 'Why didn't you protect me?' came out as 'I HATE YOU!'
Let me not forget the moment I was told a female can not be a pastor. Because the Bible says. That's the verdict. No debate, no question. Women are not allowed to speak...in the church.
But the marriage. The marriage provided the strongest silencing influence. There are still events I have never shared aloud and I don't know if I ever will...or can. But mostly, my voice is returning. It's not raging anymore. It's controlled and assertive, or written...mostly.
1. 5 Minutes of Memories
Set a time for 5 min. Without any preplanning, begin to write everything you would WANT to remember from the past year...as if you were to get amnesia tomorrow. You only have 5 minutes.
It is interesting to note and reflect on what came up and what have even been forgotten, when the pressure was on. Read into it what you may.
2. Thankful List
This can go one forever, setting a timer is wise. Make a list of all you have to be thankful for this year.
2A. Offer a prayer of thanksgiving and praise to the Almighty one. Stick to ONLY praises at this time.
3. What you accomplished, learn, are proud of, over came...this year.
Yes, it's time to take credit for everything you have done RIGHT! Learning is a process and overcoming challenges gets credit! Take inventory and write it down.
4. Bring to Light-meditation
Say a prayer asking God to reveal or bring to light anything that needs to be dealt with: resentment, unforgiveness, unconfessed sin, failures etc. This is not for condemnation but for *release*. Now meditate/listen for the Lord to speak to you, via a picture/vision, thought, sense or feeling, or a memory.
4A. After meditating (listening to the Lord)...WRITE down what the Lord revealed to you, whatever came to mind. Don't spend too much time on this either, don't stare at it, don't memorize it!
5. Release
Take your list from #4 to a safe place to burn. (I like to tear mine up into as many pieces as possible too) We used our outdoor fire pit. Drop all pieces into the fire. Optional: Anoint yourself (or hands) before hand, if you like, so your paper will be anointed.
5A. Say a prayer of RELEASE! Pray repentance for your own faults, failures, etc. Thank the Lord for his sacrifice in your place. Pray blessings upon your enemies, pray a release from all bondages of unforgiveness. Pray that any and all of your offenders are released from any sense of entitlement to retribution, repayment, obligation and unforgiveness. Declare them forgiven, released, free and clear--as their debts have been paid on the cross and they owe you nothing. Thank the Lord for forgiveness of your own sin. Open your hands and pray to now receive all that the Lord has for you, favor, prosperity, future and hope etc...
6. Decree and Declare
In the name of Jesus, write out a declaration for the new year...your hopes and dreams, blessings according to His word, IN FAITH. Whatever comes to mind. It's almost like a *mission statement* for your year. Include blessings over yourself, your family, your business, your household, employment and relationships.
*Bonus: Pray, ask and meditate (listen to the Lord) for a *word* (like an actual ONE word--though it could be a bible verse too) or *theme* (like a title) for this year. Receive it as a promise and prophetic blessing for your year.
~*~*~*~*
These are just ideas. Feel free to personalize. Be inspired. I've done *some* form of this every year.
I feel like I've been fighting against silence my entire life.