If I Don't Reach the Promised Land, Beyond the Curse of the Desert Wilderness

We've all been there in the midst of a trial-that moment when we look back and long for the past. Just as the Israelites, in the middle of their own wandering, began to view their past of slavery and bondage, through the filter of rose colored lenses.

Maybe it wasn't so bad? At least it was familiar, predictable...safe.

We can read their story with the privilege of it's entirety. We know how it's going to end.

In our own lives though, we don't know the ending. And that scares us! We get uncomfortable. We do not like change. We want what WE want, how we want and when we want it. Of course.

We know how that ended with the Israelites--the generation of Moses never entered the Promised Land. What a punishment and what they are forever known for.

God is never that cruel though.  Perhaps, there was solace and even a redemptive quality to their lives that has been over looked?

The Israelites that didn't reach the Promised Land, are also the generation that led their families OUT of slavery! Into FREEDOM!

After generations of bondage, they were finally free. Their children were free, no longer subject to the whims of a master or genocidal pharaoh. Their grandchildren would grow up free.   This is significant.

Many of us face and endure the wilderness journey at times. The heat and barrenness of the desert, where refreshment and reprieve are only a mirage. Admittedly, I have been in that place for more than a few years now. I have been guilty of looking back at times, longing for the comfort of my own slavery and bondage.

Until God reminded me of what is ahead AND the importance of the present. Not only for me, but for generations to come. I have done this. I have led my children out of slavery. They will step into the Promise Land. They will have the strength to knock down walls and take back what is theirs.

They could not move into their own promise if we had not walked into the freedom of the desert. There is no going back. Regardless of the environment, our freedom can not be taken from us. Freedom from negative patterns of behavior that were being practiced and taught by example.

The Israelites stood in the gap between slavery and freedom. Someone had to. Someone had to take the first step and cross over. Someone had to make the choice and be brave, venturing out into the unknown, without a map! Their wilderness journey served a purpose whether they ever entered the Promise Land or not. 

Someone has to stand in the gap. I made that choice. If I never step into the Promise...It will have all been worth it to watch my children walk in the truth of freedom.

Be Brave.

Developing Patience While Giving Up Control

Patience, yah, yah, yah. It's easy to become impatient most days. All is well until something isn't going your way. When it involves parenting, I am learning more and more, it's less about controlling your children and more about being patient with them.

When I was a younger parent, my understanding (and teaching I received) was that the point was to get your children to obey you. If you did X, enough times or forcefully enough, they would eventually know to obey. Of course, they would love and respect you all the more.

As I have grown as a person and a parent, I realize we control no one. My children are not robots, they are free thinkers and they are free to choose how they respond to me and anyone else. I have made it clear, there are consequences to every choice, good and bad.

Some days they make better choices and others...they don't. Just as I do and don't. What is a parent to do when a child is having an uncooperative day? It's funny that we call them uncooperative, they could very easily call us uncooperative. It's the truth, isn't? We are not doing what our child wants us to do, whatever that may be in their mind at the time. Who is really being uncooperative here?

We are the adults, we naturally have more life experience. Yes, my six year old must learn to read and that learning requires he read aloud to me for a minimum amount of time. When he does not want to follow my instructions, nothing I do can force him to. Sure, I can give a swat, reason with him, try to cajole or bribe him, raise my voice or any other number of methods to convince him that my way is the right way.

Maybe one of those attempts will work. Maybe they won't. Until they do though, it is still my responsibility to remain patient. See how that works?  He is another human being with his own will, thoughts, ideas and preferences. I can have perfectly logical and good reasons for him to do what I want. To himself, he may have his own set of reasons that make perfect sense to him, why he should have things his way.

We say, Lord, give me patience. Another responds: don't pray for patience, or you will be tested on it. Okay, that is just nonsense! One fruit of the Holy Spirit IS patience. Either you have it or you don't...or...

If we believe we have the Holy Spirit living within us we will produce proof, in the form of good fruit. Here's the thing though, fruit doesn't magically appear. It takes time to blossom, and grow. You may have fruit that is not in season or ripe yet. We can develop the fruit of the spirit over time!

It's a constant pruning and nurturing to develop good fruit. The more opportunities we have to exhibit patience, the more that virtue will grow within us. How freeing! Every time another person isn't doing what I want (if we're honest, that is what it always comes down to) I have the opportunity to practice patience. In that time of practicing, perhaps, I will change instead. Perhaps I will come to see a new or different perspective I did not see before. However, if I continue to demand MY way, whether this is in parenting, marriage, friendship, at work or ministry, I have quenched potential fruit, and possibly bruised a relationship or a relationship in the making.

As a parent (or any human being really) I must be willing to give up the attempt to control others. I must allow others the freedom to make mistakes, even big ones, and allow them to handle the consequences of those choices. If the choice made produces negative consequences, we then have the opportunity to extend grace and help those we care about navigate through the consequences. It's a wonderful beauty to be part of this process.

God never leaves us alone and I don't believe He expects us to instantly get everything right, every time. His love does not change for us because we have made the wrong choice. He gives us options and encourages us to make good choices but He never forces us. He reasons with us, through His Word, gives warnings and shows us through the many examples of those who have gone before us, possible outcomes of our choices. We are though, always free to make our own choice.

He shows the ultimate patience and grace with us, sometimes waiting our entire lives, for us to call out to Him for help. I can do the same with my child in any given moment or with others I love and care about. He has given us all we need, it is up to us to reach out and access it. It's up to nurture the good fruit within to produce right when it is needed.

A child or anyone else, who is not cooperating, doesn't need more force coming against them, what they need, is more patience, grace and love. To be honest, it's probably what I need in that very same moment as well. 

Halloween 2015

We started the day off with a trip to Knott's Berry Farm. I knew they had trick-R-treating for the little ones in ghost town. I love dressing up with my kiddos, so why not?

As we entered, the young woman at admissions said: Now, this is good parenting! She was impressed that I would dress up with my kid, matching even. Plus she knew who we were, sot hat was fun. Actually, all the employees at each trick-R-treating stop, knew we were Team Rocket from Pokemon. They each took a moment to talk to Kurtis as if he was James. It was so sweet.

Liberty did not want to wear her costume {Umbreon, a pokemon} to Knott's. Sam, as Ash Ketchum {Pokemon trainer} didn't mind--easy since his DIY costume easily passed as civilian wear. Haha.

Ready to serve!

Later, we set up outside to pass out candy and chili. I returned to serving chili again this year, after all the requests last year. I purchased 150 cups but I didn't make nearly enough. Well, who's counting but I would have liked to hand out more. So we passed out about 50 cups of chili and of course, candy!

It was a highlight when a group of chaperoned developmentally disabled adults, ALL in costumes, came by. We offered the chili and a couple took it, very gratefully. One did not realized and as they were walking away, he realized his friends had chili and he didn't. He looked disappointed. The chaperones explained he could go back and grab a cup too. He was so happy to come back and be given a cup of chili. They were all very polite and well mannered too.

Pikachu, Ethan, Hilbert, Jesse, James, Umbreon, Misty
Ash Ketchum
Team Pokemon!

Of course some people were hesitant, mothers urging their baby-daddy's to try it first. lol Once he gave approval, then they would take some for themselves. Hilarious.

It's not a major deal or very evangelistic outreach opp. It's something though. It's my personal way to GIVE, freely to my neighborhood and community, from my God-loving heart.

A couple of the middles friends, my nephews and brother and sister-in-love all came by to help and hang out. We were ALL coordinated, dressed in the Pokemon cartoon theme.

Like last year, the neighborhood gave off mixed signals. Only a few houses were giving out candy. Literally only one or two per block. As per our annual tradition, we stopped by the neighbor who hosts a drive way dance party every Halloween. He holds a very informal dance contest, with bigger and bigger candy prizes every year. Sam took home the prize! 

Drive-way dance contest winner. 

Monday All Day

 

Sometimes it's just like that, right?

My Monday started with my 6yo sitting up in my bed, staring at me...

"Good morning mommy."

I smiled, "Good morning sweetie. Why don't you come over here for  a big hug."

"I peed the bed."

Sigh. "It happens. Give me a big hug anyway and then go change your clothes."

Maybe an hour later we were off to our morning work out, late, as usual. I didn't get upset...this time. What's the point?

I worked on a custom order, making the same exact sewing mistake at least 3, if not 4, times in a row! Very frustrating, but I pulled it through.

I began an art project with Kurtis only to realize every container of water colors, paintbrushes, white and brown paint, had all disappeared, just in time for me to want to use them. Whatever.

Later, I decided to help Kurtis make owl themed cookies to go along with the owl themed learning we've been doing for his first grade work. I bit the bullet and pushed aside any insecurities of feeling like the working mom who can't take the time to mix together sugar cookie dough from scratch and bought Pillsbury refrigerated dough. I was going to make this happen!!!

As you can see above, it didn't exactly turn out the way I planned. Which is basically the story of my life, in case you hadn't noticed. It's also definitely been the ongoing theme the past few weeks. I try to fight it at times and in those moments of fighting, life feels so overwhelming hard and impossible. When I choose to finally surrender, it all suddenly feels like no big deal. Funny how that works, eh?

I suppose that is the point all along. Surrender.

The cookies taste just as sweet either way. 

When Mom Needs a Time Out

I turned the cold water on full blast, hoping to mask my uncontrollable and desperate sobs. I could hear angry stomping and crying outside the bathroom door from at least one of my kids, adding to my misery. 

Since the water is on, I might as well get in.

I sat on the edge of the tub and plunged my feet into the cold water. Tempers were raging, confusion filled my thoughts. Resting my head in my hands and my elbows on my knees, I prayed; 

How do I get out of this mess? How did we even get here? Lord, please make it clear. What do I do now?

I considered sitting in the tub completely except I felt that would have been over the top dramatic and ridiculous. The cold water was refreshing and produced the desired affect as my brain began to clear. I literally began to emotionally cool down and could think straight again. No, all hope was not lost. I, we, could move forward from this moment in time. This horrible moment that felt like we couldn't ever recover from. 

A simple instruction had turned into a yelling and screaming match. Plans cancelled, frustrations building, everyone hurt and angry in the end.

When we posed and took this picture, a foam heart showed up.

I called them into the bathroom with me. Hurt and anger pained their faces. "Put your feet in the tub."

They obliged.

With out explanation, excuse or blame, I took full ownership of my actions. I apologized for every thing I did wrong. I asked for their forgiveness, right there with all our feet in the tub. I affirmed how we all wanted to be heard more than listen and because we felt unheard, we couldn't listen. I asked for forgiveness with out expecting a request in return. I resolved in my heart, they owed me nothing.

I stopped talking and listened. With out interrupting, with out argument, with out trying to set the record straight, I simply sat...staring at the toys floating in our bath tub pool, listening to their words, feelings, frustrations and eventually fears.

One of them spoke for both of them. Finally, though reluctantly, the other spoke, of fears deeper and greater than what had transpired over the last 60 minutes. The heart opened and the tears spilled out. The pressures, the fear of not being good enough, the desire to not have to feel responsible but be allowed to remain a child. The pent up burden of unwanted transition and change was released.

The cooling water continued to bathe our feet and miraculously sooth our heavy hearts. The rushing stream from the faucet moved the toys and odds and ends around.

The heat of the escalation had cooled. I couldn't take back anything that happened. I couldn't fix or change it. It can't unhappen. All I could do was admit the fault and sit right in it, hoping to move forward, reiterating my need, as much as theirs, for grace and Jesus.

I had no solutions but in that blink, water was the answer.

Sometimes you have to let it flow, stick your feet in, as ridiculous as it seems, and have a family meeting in the bathtub. 

Four Ways to Ease the Tension When Your Child Is Having a *Moment*

I am sure I have mentioned our *shake it off* routine --works TREMENDOUSLY well for *transitional* periods, like from ncp to cp!

SHAKE it off/out
HUG it out
BREATH it out
TICKLE it out

I did this with my 6yo when he came back from being with dad and *immediately* started whining!!! I actually did ALL of them! lol

Instead of barking at him, becoming frustrated (for the millionth time) I gave him a big hug and  said: Your whining is indicating to me you are not feeling %100 right now. {I said this while hugging him.} Do you need to hug it out? Or breath it out--then we did hands to heart center & took a few deep breathes--I smiled and said OR do you need to TICKLE it out!?! And began tickling him. He laughed it out. 

Whew! Crisis averted. He proceeded to the back yard, happily doing who knows what--as he often goes & does--he loves the outdoors. 

Peace restored!!! 

SHAKE it off/out: go the porch and vigorously shake the entire body, all the limbs, say a few words about leaving whatever happened previously *behind* and *outside* declare your home a place of peace and love.

HUG it out: embrace in a FULL body hug. Squeeze tight. Stay physically connected for at least a a couple breathes.

BREATHE it out: {hands to heart center} Slowly raise hands above head while taking a deep breath until they meet. Keeping the palms touching bring them down in front of chest/heart. Hold. Repeat at least 3 times, taking your time.

TICKLE it out: {self explanatory, right?} Smile big & tickle your child. Enjoy a moment to relax & laugh boisterously.

YOU know your child. YOU know what they need and what will work. An angry child may not respond positively to tickling. A sick child may not be capable of shaking it out. A whiny child may just need a hug and to be reminded how smart they are. Of course, the articulate child may be fine just *talking it out* but even my older children often need a *physical trigger* to disconnect and switch gears in their attitude (or as we like to call it: BADitude!).

These also work well for MOMMAS and other adults. 

Broken Glass, Fragile Hearts

Glass breaks...so do hearts. Equally fragile, unequally valuable

Your kids will make mistakes, hey, maybe they'll even be careless and reckless. How you respond is *crucial*. An angry or impatient response only teaches a child you are not to be trusted or safe when they find themselves in trouble, in a situation-even of their own making-they don't know how to get out of, or have made a mistake they can't fix alone.

Be gracious. Help them figure out solutions, how to manage consequences and failures, with out condemnation. Accidents happen.

Broken glass is replaceable,  a heart isn't.

Just Another Manic Monday!

So here is my average Monday routine...I don't ever call it Manic Monday because I want to have a good attitude about it. haha. It does tend to feel rather crazy though.

Morning Fit Camp

We started back to morning work-outs today. Bright and early, 8:30 am and we even arrived on time! That was close to a miracle already. After that it was back home for showers, breakfast, some schoolwork and getting things together to take in the car and for art class--OH but first a stop at the grocery store for a tub of yogurt and a bit of granola. That sounded more refreshing to the middles than eggs I guess.

Today was also a day the 5yo spends with the Mr. That involved packing his school bag, creating assignments, getting him up and dressed WITH teeth brushed for longer than 2 seconds.

Basic home chores

The middles and I also squeezed in a few extra chores. We left at noon to get big brother/oldest to work by 12:30pm, though the middles and youngest class does not start until 1:00pm. Hence, the school supplies for the car. I try to have them take advantage of 'extra time', otherwise, they tend to believe they don't have enough time to do schoolwork, reading especially. I check my tutoring schedule and catch up on business emails from the car before class.

While they are in art class, another mom and I use the time to walk the neighborhood or local beach while catching up and praying. Today we tracked ourselves at 4.8 miles burning 666 calories in just under 1.5 hours. 

Trip to the library

After art class we head on over to my second part time job--where we each get to play Cinderella and clean a local hair salon. That includes sweeping, vacuuming, mopping, dusting, restroom cleaning, taking out the trash and replacing bags, you get the idea.

I had an extra errand I had to squeeze in--a quick trip to the library to check out books about Martin Luther King Jr, so the middles could write a research paper or essay, as both of their history texts are covering the civil rights movement. At the same time, I stopped at the mall to drop oldest off at Target so he could get toiletries he needed.

Work at the tutoring center.

Rushing home to get ready for job #1--the tutoring center. It was a nice and warm day, I needed a shower from both the work outs. I had just under an hour now to get ready and at least start dinner for my dinner delivery plus prepare for my Monday tutoring client--an extremely busy preschooler. The middles helped finish dinner up. I drove instead of walked to work this evening since we had play rehearsal right after work.

Play rehearsal.

Dinner delivery cancelled due to my own lack of notice which worked out--I ate the delicious Teriyaki chicken salad when I arrived at rehearsal. My tutoring session is 5-6pm and rehearsal is 6-7:30 pm. Birdy met me at the tutoring center and I was out the door by 6:05, arriving at rehearsal about 6:10pm.

It went well. Birdy then heads across the parking lot to choir practice. It actually starts at 7:00 pm but due to play rehearsal, the children in both the play and choir, arrive late. My friend, the choir director is kind enough to bring Bird home afterward.

I am finally back home for good and I feel pretty Monday wasted. I walk in and my 5yo is "enthusiastic" to put it mildly, from not seeing me all day and wants all my undivided attention-he and the 14yo are both eating popsicles. My five year old puts on a pouty face, "I don't even like this popsicle though!"

 "Show me your new jump rope! Did you learn to jump?" I change the subject,  knowing the Mr purchased one because I asked, so I can record a new PE skill learned and to go along with a rhyming poem I found about jumping rope.

He hands me the popsicle. I put it away in the freezer and never remind him about it later. He demonstrates his new jumping rope skill. I read him the poem and we repeat it a few times. He insists I read all the poems...I skip a few pages with out him knowing. I talk him into taking a bath. My 14yyo swears he's hungry again and starving. 

I veg out a bit until the 5yo cries, "I can't wash my hair, it's too hard." I wash him up. "Ok, love you, go to bed now--your own bed." Later I find him asleep in mine...as usual.

Happy Monday.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

As he snuggled up to me, all I felt was fear that he would vomit on me!

There was no celebrating for us. No sweet green table settings. And absolutely NO pinching. After a long couple nights of vomiting and fainting children, we were all wiped out. 

After art class and cleaning the salon on Monday, Kurtis vomited as soon as we arrived home, right outside the car on the sidewalk. I'm not sure how he survived art class. Liberty started feeling a bit funky too and by evening, took her own turn. She tried to stay in denial about it and that cost her the blanket and pillow she was lying on. 

Eggs of natural blue, pink, tan, and deep rust colors.

I felt exhausted and overwhelmed but you know--no rest for the weary--especially if that 'weary' is a momma! I headed to work and was greeted with this cute jar of the most beautiful fresh eggs I have ever seen from one of my students. His family has six chickens and they brought me a jar of naturally colorful eggs as a 'Thank You' for working with him. That brightened my day unbelievably. His chicken laid the blue eggs. Since these are fresh, they can remain unrefrigerated for up to 5 weeks unless I wash them. Amazing!

Getting my green on for work!

Since there was no St. Paddy's day indulgence happening at my house, I got a little green on for work at least. I painted my nails green, wore green earrings, sweater and rubber bands along with this green sparkly foam tiara, that's obviously seen better days.
Sleepless nights that include sick vomiting children are just the worst for me. Besides being exhausted, they take a major toll on me emotionally as they magnify the reality and feelings of being left alone in this parenting journey. The worry, the decision making and feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders alone...pushes me to my limits. Limits of faith and trust in God in the mess, in the loads of laundry, towels and underwear, like the vomit in the corners, splattered on every surface, is how far reaching is my need for Christ's grace in my own life.
Once again, He was there with me. He sustained me and led me into moments of beauty and gratefulness in an otherwise dehydrated barf-O-rama desert! 

That one time...

Remember that one time my 14yo got so upset he stormed out of the house at 10pm with out telling anyone where he was going, and we called a search party of parents, youth pastor Sean, leader Alberto and big brother Ern while his other siblings shed crocodile tears? Oh wait-that was last night!

And shall forever be known as: "That one time Sam ran away...to Target!!!"

Too soon?


Yes. That happened. He's seems to be the most melo-dramatic one of the four, so far. Sigh. This sweet, funny, emotional, fourteen year old man-child. Bird was so upset. It completely triggered a feeling of abandonment in her. "How could he just leave!?! How could he leave me? He's my best friend. I go to him for everything, the one I can talk to!"

Ern, oldest, had circled the neighborhood a few times and was unable to locate him. He suggested I let youth Pastor Sean know and he was kind enough to come over to help search. I felt obligated to call the Mr. I didn't want to, honestly, for fear it would in some way, be used against me. I put my personal hesitations aside and called him, out of respect as his father, at least. He joined the search to find him.

I noticed I had received a cryptic and dramatic text from the boy...indicating he was someplace with free wifi since he does not have a cell phone, only an Ipod. The Mr. found him at Target and promptly brought him home. The 14yo told me later, he was just wandering the toy aisles, looking at all the toys.

What a perfect picture for a 14 year old, caught within the frustration between boyhood and manhood. Wanting to be independent but required to submit to the daily rigors of schoolwork, chores and mom.

I, of course, felt like a complete failure. I'm doing this alone. Even after all this time, it shocks me sometimes, the responsibility of parenting alone. I don't know what the right thing to do or respond always is. Should I have not chased after him and simply expected he'd come home when he was hungry or cold or at least when Target closed? Did that just feed into his pity party? Should I have gone easier on him in the first place when I was reprimanding him before he stormed out? Is he just doing this to be dramatic and get attention or is he really feeling unloved, neglected and abandoned too? 

I don't know the answers to these questions but the questions themselves, weigh heavy on me, daily. It's ALL on me. I'm the one making the parenting decisions. I'm the one meting out consequences, ultimatums, making the decision to ground someone or not. I'm the one having to decide when to exert an extra measure of grace or push a little harder.

And sometimes, I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to have FUN! I want everyone to be happy and carefree. I want to ditch the rules and responsibilities too. I'm tired of having to choose if situations warrant me playing good cop or bad cop that day. I don't want to be any cop. I don't want to feel stressed and overwhelmed. I'm tired of worrying about feeling I'll get blamed for everything if I make a wrong decision.

I'm tired of trying to teach my sons how to be honorable and respectable men of integrity. I'm tired of trying to teach my daughter what to look for in a man, what a respectable, honorable man of integrity looks like...just by my words and warnings, with out a living example for myself, to SHOW them!!!

Don't get me wrong, we know men of integrity. But there is a huge difference between knowing someone and having a daily, living and breathing man in the home, teaching by example. I like to think I have it all together and my kids will turn out just fine--like the Mr. insists. Moments like last night though, make it glaringly obvious that everything is NOT ok. I do NOT have it all together. My children DO have wounded hearts and sometimes is shows.

The only saving grace I can give myself...is my trust in God. That He is caring for all of us, come what may. He hears my prayers and the cries of my heart. I know all hope is not lost and our life is pretty great, considering. But these moments...aaahhhh...they challenge hope for sure. So for now, I make light and poke fun at the ridiculousness of my 14yo running away...to Target! 

Dinner On Me

Two individual dinner meals ready for delivery.

"Did you have a dinner break?" said my co-worker.
"Sort-of. I was going to cook but I remembered it's youth group tonight so I didn't because my kids eat at church on Wednesday nights," I replied.
"I wish I had a dinner break." she said.
"I would have brought you something, if I would have known." I said.
"I would pay for that!" she said.

Dinner On Me was born.

The next day I made a fabulous dinner of green chicken enchiladas, rice and beans and offered it to my co-worker. "What do I owe you?" she asked.

"This one's on me," I replied. On my way out the door, the front desk manager offered to purchase a plate. I walked the three minute walk home and the three minute walk back, to bring her a plate, making it my first official dinner sale.

The first co-worker loved her meal. She and I made arrangements for me to deliver her dinner 5 nights a week while she's working. The tutoring center hours are after school and often right through the dinner hour with out a break for the busiest tutors. This works out splendidly and is a win-win situation for both of us. I am getting PAID to provide affordable, home-cooked, delicious meals--which I would cook for my ktbunch anyway--and she gets to eat real food instead of snacks or fast food.

The remarkable thing is, I never considered myself much of a cook. On my honey-moon I tried to make the Mr, Hamburger Helper (and I did it wrong) because that's what I grew up with and thought *dinners* were. When there were meal delivery sign-ups at church for the new moms, I always declined for fear of my kitchen inadequacy.

I do love to bake and there was a time I thought of offering my home-made-from-scratch pies and baked goods for sale and was told, "No one wants your pies!" I realize now, the comment really had nothing to do with me personally. Considering the source, the individual was speaking from their own place of fear and bitterness. It certainly wasn't encouraging though and I quickly gave up my idea.

I think of this as another point in time, coming full circle. I feel like the Lord is rebuilding me, into a person of wholeness, one redeeming moment at a time.

And the Oscar Goes To...

It was that time of year again. We ditched night church {Gasp!} and stayed home to watch the 87th Academy Awards. I set the table, decorated, dressed  up, and created a photo booth. Everyday is special in this house...any reason to celebrate is a great reason to me!

Oscar Winning Menu:

Oscar Meyer hot dogs (of course!)
Red Vines
Veggie Egg Rolls
Carrot sticks
Salami
Tortilla Chips
Trail Mix
Left over Valentine Candy

These kids of mine are absolutely the best. The way they go along with all my shenanigans. I love them to pieces!!! They make my life so much more enjoyable and fun. Truly.

I found these photo props on clearance after New Years. I bought them specifically to use for this year's Oscar Viewing Soiree. 

Here is my faux mantle, all dressed up for the Academy Awards!

How we spent our commercial breaks.

I really do take the 'dressing up' part serious.

Another 20 Days to Celebrate

We home-educate through a public charter school. We've been with this educational option for a few years now. Every twenty days, we meet with, what they title; an educational specialist. The children provide work samples from every subject and I provide a list of all the work they have done, topics that have been covered and skills learned, for that learning period, to be added to their 'learning record'or 'portfolio'.

Today was our twenty day meeting. I used to get extremely stressed by these meetings. It started 3 years ago when I was finishing my own education and the Mr and I separated. We developed a pattern of anxiety before the meetings.

The meetings never went as bad as we all imagined and once they were over, we would feel so relieved. The next year, I was finished with school but the pattern of anxiety was still there. I intentionally worked very hard to undue the stress we had associated with these monthly meetings.

It took all of that year after I graduated for us trust each other again. For them to trust that I was going to keep my cool. For me to trust that they were and would be, responsible for their own work and samples. For all of us to trust that everything was going to be ok.

Since that time of reestablishing our sense of peace, we've had a few changes, triggering the anxiety again. I work outside the house now, as well as from home. No matter what though, the meetings still seem to go very well and we leave feeling positive.

We have annual passes to Knotts Berry Farm which include a a meal plan. I had a couple client cancellations and didn't have to go into work so I took my ktbunch to Knott's and 'çelebrated' another successful meeting.

Even after 16 years of home-educating, I am still figuring things out and don't have it all together. It's more challenging now in some ways, but I am proud of what we have all accomplished and over come together, as a family. I love these kids and I love home-educating!

The Worst Daughter in the World!

Lately, when I feel especially frustrated or who-knows-what-exactly, I hear my mother's voice yelling those words at me. They rise up from somewhere deep and they threaten to escape from my own mouth. I catch them and reign them in before any damage is done and I curse the next generation with the same haunting future wounds.

It doesn't hurt. I don't think it even hurt originally, though that may have been my early days of robot-hood anyway. I suppose my mind tells me it's hurtful. It sounds horrible. Anyone who knows my mom, would find it hard to believe that she would speak such words to me, much less regularly for a season. She was a loving mom mostly and all wounds had been forgiven and left behind by the time she died.

When the memory of her voice rises from within my own heart, I wonder, if she was feeling this same disappointment? Frustration? Or maybe it was rage for everything she had ever dreamt that never materialized in her own life? Feelings I think I am becoming familiar with. I was often reminded of how much she 'gave up' for me, though no specifics were ever mentioned. I didn't care to know anyway since I had no say in the matter. Her choices were her burdens to carry.

I certainly wasn't the worst daughter in the world. Not even close.

Was she full of regret, or suspecting she was, over the youth she traded for the life we were living, together? Did she feel trapped by her past? The past can feel overwhelming at times.  The choices you realize you would not have made, if you had known it would lead you here. Or the choices you WOULD have made. I play out the scenarios and everything is impossible.

When I was still that little girl, I played out the scenarios too. The one where I have a rich daddy somewhere looking for me. The one where I am loved, adored and cherished with all the Barbies I could ever want. The life where I run away and instead of getting in trouble for it, there are tears of joy that I have returned.

I wasn't trying to run away from a life I thought I had...I only wanted to run to a life I thought I could have instead. With out even knowing what type of instead it would be.

When I was 18 years old, I thought I did. Sometimes, this life I ran to, feels very much like the one I ran away from. I didn't see that coming.

Happy Thanksgiving

Our self-timed groupie...the best we could do.

We didn't get to go camping this summer, like we usually do, so I took the opportunity to get away for the Thanksgiving holiday.

We've camped for Thanksgiving when oldest was younger but the other three never had.

Personally, I was using it as a bit of escape too. I didn't want to have to face the idea of another holiday, *all together* when we aren't *together* the way we should be. It's too hard on everyone. At the last minute I made a reservation at O'Neill Regional Park.

In my family, I don't know if I have a reputation or what but I am usually assigned to bring the 'bread rolls'. It's lame because I love to bake desserts but I get stuck with that. It's convenient though, for sure.

Well, it was interesting to plan a Thanksgiving camping menu. The weather was unpredictable. Were we going to need more hot foods or cold foods? I cooked more for this camping Thanksgiving than I have any other Thanksgiving...and I loved it!

Our Thanksgiving table.

Our meal was fabulous and it actually wasn't that hard to do. I cooked the main side dishes the night before we left so they only needed to be reheated. We ran into an issue when our one burner camping stove ran out of butane after our first breakfast.

We had to cook over the fire in a make-shift way. It took a long time but remarkably, every thing stayed warm on the table.

Our Thanksgiving breakfast (that took 2 hours to cook) menu:

Pumpkin Pancakes, bacon, Hawaiian rolls and orange slices.

Thanksgiving Dinner Menu:
Turkey melt sandwiches
wild rice with cranberries
apple-sage stuffing
potato medley (sweet, yellow, and red)
corn, baked beans, pumpkin & dutch apple pie, pumpkin pie mini tarts,  tri-color tortilla chips and a toast with Sparkling Cider. Oh and Red Vines. lol

Our camp site is down there...view from our hike.

I didn't make or cook everything from scratch. It was a mix of scratch made, store bought and canned foods. (Come on! It's camping!!!) Everything was absolutely delicious! We couldn't even finish it all, much less our sandwiches...they were piled high with 3-4 different flavored turkey meats from the deli and various sliced cheeses.

The weather was quite warm during the day light hours. We seemed to have the only campsite with out shade! haha. As soon as the sun went down though...bbbrrrr...it cooled down quickly. We didn't realize how much wood we would have to burn through.

The camp ground itself was wonderful really. A great 'beginner' site. Family friendly. Very bike and hike friendly. It was like a little treasure hidden away in the middle of suburbia. We found a grocery store and pharmacy only 10 minutes away (perfect for last  minute needs you didn't realize you had or when you forget essentials like...soap, shampoo or more firewood!). The park had great (ie: real & clean) restrooms that included free, warm showers. There was a play ground and nature center on site as well. The nature center states it is only open on the weekends and weekdays via reservation. We showed up on Saturday before we left, at the designated *open* time and were disappointed when it remained closed.

Emotionally, we all felt a bit 'off'--which I think is to be expected under the circumstances. We handled it like we usually do---> talking it out, taking a walk and with humor.  It didn't help that we forgot CHAIRS! Of all things. haha. We improvised and used the bench seat from the van but with out shade...we found ourselves often sitting IN the van...that wasn't fun but it made our trip memorable for sure. In the end, everyone agreed that we enjoyed the place and would like to return again...even next Thanksgiving. Maybe we will make this a new annual tradition. It helped that is was also ONLY about an hour's drive away, if that.

Exercises in Forgiveness

Soul Work is hard work. It requires going deep inside and bringing the wounds to the outside. As I work more on myself, I become more capable of leading my children along this path of healing with me.

After an unexpected incident, which led to more opportunities for healing and growth, I knew we needed to seal our hearts a little tighter. The wounds needed mending. It was also a good way to release the wounds of and say goodbye to, August and hello to September, a new month, a fresh start.

One exercise I have developed and found helpful in aiding the work of forgiveness involves actual fire.

I had my children join me in an exercise I have done myself. We make a list, two actually. One side is all the offenses, hurts, and wounds we can think of, remember, or the Lord reveals, that have been perpetrated against us. It doesn't matter if they are real or only perceived. Whatever it is, it gets written down.

The other side is creating a list of offenses, hurts, wounds, we have perpetrated against others. We take these lists and bring them before the fire. We say a pray confessing these wounds and declaring FORGIVENESS of every offense. We physically tear the paper to bits and pieces and we throw it into the fire. We set our hearts free from resentment, bitterness and or unforgiveness.

We do the same for ourselves, we repent and receive forgiveness as our 'sins' are torn to shreds and burned in the fire. We verbally speak aloud, forgiveness, release from repayment or obligation, repentance and freedom.

At the end, we make declaration of life and blessings on our offenders and over ourselves as we watch the evidence of our wounds disintegrate into ash. It is a raw reminder of God's promises of restoration to us:

Isaiah 61:3 To appoint them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified. 

Beauty comes from the ashes. God created man from the dust, the dirt, perhaps even the ashes of the earth. He created something remarkable and breathed His life and image into him...into us.

My children will walk in freedom. They are free to love, to forgive, to laugh and be themselves. They are free to know their value and worth in Christ...enough that they will not harbor bitterness nor tolerate the weakness of another mistreating them.

It's a symbolic gesture. A gesture of our commitment to healing and freedom.
Always moving forward.

The Road to Freedom

Wow...the road away from dysfunction and toward health is hard and painful...very painful at times. Having such hard talks with my kids this weekend...You know the path to healing requires honesty-admitting what is or has been broken.

Walking around with a broken leg, insisting you don't need a doctor and all is well...only exacerbates the problem and leaves you with an improperly healed leg...a permanent disability.

It's painful to admit what we have been through...it requires admitting that we have been hurt at times...physically, emotionally, mentally.  I made mistakes and didn't protect them how I should have. Didn't protect myself. I was confused. I didn't take some situations serious enough...

I can't go back and change the past. We are finally brave enough to be honest with ourselves and each other and admit help is needed. It wounds deeply, it sux beyond measure.
If we remain dishonest. then we block forgiveness and healing. We must admit offenses that have been perpetrated against us so that we can engage in forgiveness. To deny an offense, is to deny true forgiveness. When we release forgiveness, we open our heart to healing and allow love to come where only pain held the space before. There is where we find freedom!

I am taking one step at a time...this is the step we were strong enough to take this weekend----> Honesty.

I Don't Want to Have Anything to DO With Him Ever Again!

Last night, I went to bed with a heavy heart, nearly heart broken all over again. My middle son was triggered and began to share his heart. We MUST STOP what we are doing when those who share so tentatively, take a moment to trust us with their tender vulnerability, and REALLY LISTEN--not only to them but to God, at the same time, for divine wisdom--parenting can be challenging sometimes.

His jaw was set hard but it didn't stop those big, silent, crocodile tears from streaming down his 14 year old face, over the peach fuzz above his lips. "I don't want to EVER be compared to dad. I don't like that. I am nothing like him and I don't want to be!"

He continued, "I am ready to move on...I am ready to let go." His shoulders tensed as the tears came in waves. Fourteen year olds should not have to be stoic.

"What do you mean by move on? Let go? What does that look like for you?" I asked softly.

"I mean, I just want to forget about him. I don't want to be around him. I don't want to have anything to do with him." He said, his anger and pain rushing again to the surface.

"You won't ever forget him...I mean every time you look in the mirror..." I smiled. "I know you love him and that is why you feel hurt. People disappoint us. I am sorry you are facing this situation."

Barely holding back my own tears, I tried to use my words sparingly. A hand on his shoulder...wishing I could cuddle him in my lap and he didn't have to feel what he was experiencing. Silently saying my own prayer for wisdom...I reminded him of the WORD. "God says He will use what is meant for harm, for good." I continued to speak intentionally into his life, heart and soul, "You are forgiving. You have a heart of compassion and you know, maybe more than others your age, how God is your provider and because of the pain you have felt, you feel compassion for others...."

More tears, more words, more heart ache...

"His DNA is in your blood, along with mine, you are part of both of us. You also have the DNA of Christ, which over rides negative behavior. You stay humble and continue to rely on Christ and you will be a responsible and loving husband and father some day... It might be helpful to focus on and remember the good times you shared with your dad. I know you have good memories with him."

In the end, we were both worn and it was late.

Today, the Mr was scheduled to pick them up for a couple hours before work. Everyone slept in later than usual. No one was in a hurry to leave either when dad showed up at 10am.

I checked in on my 14yo and in typical 14yo fashion, he was 'fine.' Tired but fine. He still chose NOT to express his heart to his dad...none of them feel safe enough for that yet...but the burden was lifted. He said he just needed to 'release' what he had been holding in.

Amazing what comfort a listening ear can be. Also a reminder that negative emotions can be handled appropriately, redirected and they DO PASS, therefor, we do NOT have to act on them. 

I wanted to be angry. For both of us. For him, having to feel so hurt. For my pain, cause he was hurting AND for having to deal with it ALONE. I was tempted to text my older son (21yo) who was out w/ friends-to come home immediately, for 'back up' (they have a good relationship)--BUT knowing I had to be the parent God has created me to be! I AM the parent & I have been CHOSEN, qualified and capable of handling the *hard stuff*.

JUST AS YOU have been! You CAN do this. No, you DON'T have to play BOTH parental roles...just YOUR role. I am not perfect. I *consistently* pray for WISDOM, not only as a human on this planet BUT specifically as a PARENT...in this 'situation'. We are dealing with circumstances above and beyond the normal call of duty. God promises to give wisdom. Start or KEEP reading Proverbs--EVERY day. Keep praying. Keep speaking life. Don't give up.   

{this was NOT all of his or our conversation--as I want to respect his privacy, but I feel free to share portions of MY part. I know you all understand.  }