For the Momma Who's About to Lose Her Ish!

Freaks!

No judgment here momma. I'll raise a Hunger Games two fingered salute in solidarity to you. Take a deep breath, walk away, lock yourself in the bathroom--but take your phone so you can read this. 

Times get hard. Having a toddler can be hard. Having a teenager can be hard. Heck, getting out of bed and resisting the urge to go out in public in something other than pajama pants, can he heck-a-hard at times. This isn't every day life. But it's real life sometimes. like, when you're in school, your kids are in school, one or more of your kids have gotten the flu {the vomitrocious kind especially}, there is other extended family crisis, you're a solo-mom, or your 8 year old  has decided today is the day he is going to be his own person and refuse to do anything you ask him to do, ever. Or like it's one of those days that end in 'day'. 

Here are my 25 years of parenting suggestions that may or may not apply to you. Feel free to use the ones that do. 

Eliminate any thing you can for this season! It will NOT always be like this. Here are a few simple tips. HUGS!!!

1. Meals-is it work or relaxing for you? If it feels like more 'work': get ready made or one pot meals. Use paper plates and disposable utensils. Ditch the food guilt and feel proud that your kids are fed today. 

2. Take a walk or exercise everyday. Seriously, it will help your brain, emotions, heart and mental state. You can google it. It's true. I know you wish you could get to the gym, even if all you do is sit on your phone, in peace. Let the guilt, wishes and dreams go. This is the time to circle the wagons-we're not in the wild west or on the Oregon Trail but those of you who remember when that wasn't a board game--I think you get what I'm saying. 

3. When kids come home-drop the stuff and take a walk around the block. This really isn't a repeat of the previous suggestion, I promise. This time you *include* the freaks of your womb not try to escape from them.This will give everyone a chance to transition and reconnect.

4. Eliminate or minimize sugar intake. Consume lots of water and protein. Being hangry never helps and can seriously alter moods. I get it. We're all emotional eaters over here who would rather consume a sticky, fried donut than feel whatever we feel but--it won't help. Ok, well, it might for a minute, but not later. Trust me on this one. Step away from the sugar rush and eat a string cheese--ok dairy free, whatever. Just stick to the protein! 

5. 20 second minimum, hugs for each kid when they get home, after bath, before bed and any other time things are feeling tense. Hugs also help to reduce stress. Often it feels like the last thing we want to do is give a hug to our spawn behaving like twerps but they probably need it the most in that moment. Come on--you know it will help you too. It's like when mothers are suffering from Postpartum Depressions--doctors recommend they hold their baby more! The physical connection is great but counting to that 20 will give you a moment to breath and not do or say anything you will regret. It forces you to slow down, think and breath. You need oxygen. Duh. 

6. Smile. It tells your brain it feels positive. Really. Try it right now. Do it. Ok, now hold for 10...20 seconds. Well now it's just ridiculous so you have to laugh. But doesn't that feel better already? It's not full {fool?} proof, ya know? These are more like 'guidelines'. 

7.Touch your kids (tousle hair, pat on the back, tickle ear). Human touch helps lessen stress and maintain connection. Like the HUGS! 

8. Give yourself and your kids compliments. LOOK for positive things to say. It will help you stay focused on the goodness around you. Try to overlook negative behavior or responses as much as possible.

Life WILL get stressful. It happens. Expect it but be prepared. You will be able to handle it better if you are prepared, just like a fire drill! File this away in your brain, under life skills and crisis preparedness drills. We should really have those for aspiring parents. I'm not even joking.

You're ok momma. You are going to continue to be ok. You don't have to live life as normal, like everything is ok, when it's NOT. Life gets messy so why would we expect it to stay perfectly or even moderately organized? Be nice to yourself (oh! Tip #9?) It's ok if your kids wear mismatched socks, two days in a row, of the same non-pair. No one ever died of stinky feet.

Stay strong-You got this! 

I Watched 13 Reasons Why with My teens and I think You Should Too

I know, I know, some of you may be cringing or judging me as a mother right now. First, yes, the series contains mature content and subject matter. It also contains foul language, acts of bullying, graphic depictions of violence, assault, and rape, sexual situations and partial nudity. This may be upsetting or trigger inducing to some viewers.

It also contains a VERY realistic story-line about a highschool student who commits suicide. Via cassette tape, she outlines a series of events that led her to that point in her life.

So why would I recommend this? Because these horrific situations happen everyday and they are not isolated events. It's very eye-opening, especially in a digital age, how a seemingly minor incident can be twisted, blown out of proportion and shared, in a matter of seconds. This is serious and life altering for a teenager.

I especially implore you to watch the interview at the end, even skip the series and go straight to the interview if you want. We need to talk about these topics with each other, with our children. Sure, maybe you think you can talk about it without watching it (we fast-fwd through objectionable scenes, truth be told). However, even the parents depicted in this series are clueless. Not by choice. Everyone is trying but at the same time, they are trapped within the same 'system'. Looking out for themselves, hoping they don't become targets.

It clearly and accurately depicts the depth of pain that can occur over something that appears so trivial on the surface. The nature of relationships, hierarchy of survival and dynamics within teen (and even young adult) culture.

What is the redeeming factor of watching a series like this? Awareness. Having the hard conversations with your kids. Changing our own patterns of behavior toward each other. Pursuing real relationship with others and potentially the teens within our community or sphere of influence.

I think I have a good relationship with my kids but there are still things I don't know. I don't spend the 4 hours at the skate park with my son. I don't sit in their writing class with them. I am not at the dance studio. And I am considered a very involved parent. There is autonomy so it is impossible to know everything in one's heart, even those closest to us. But we can try.

I pursue relationship with my kids. But we have to be honest. We have to be safe and approachable. We HAVE to look beyond the surface of our children's lives and watch for the nuances of communication and BE there. We have to listen, even if we're tired. There aren't always signs of trauma but we need to pay attention when our children are trying.

We need to teach them that we can be trusted. Even with the hard stuff. Even with their dumb, or worse, choices.

Yes, we need Jesus. Guess what? Depression, despair, bullying, assault, violence and rape...all exists even with Jesus. They exist within our churches. In our youth groups. In our sanctuaries.

Lets start talking about it!

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

24 Hour – Local Referrals

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

1-888-628-9454 (En Espanol)

1-800-799-4TTY (4889)

VETERANS PRESS “1"

Teen Line

www.teenlineonline.org

800-TLC-TEEN (852-8336)

California Youth Crisis Line

www.youthcrisisline.org

1-800-843-5200

24 Hours Bilingual

Parenting WITH Fear Today

I have intentionally worked on parenting *without* fear. Not making decisions influenced by fear-based-outcomes but focusing on the positive. For the first time ever, I had a discussion with my ktbunch, giving advice, based strictly on *fear*.

Because yesterday, a grown man grabbed a 13yo against his will, refused to let him go and eventually pulled out a gun that fired. I watched a few of the original eye-witness videos last night before they were grabbed by local news media, edited, altered and chopped to pieces. I watched with fear in my own heart thinking I was about to witness a 13yo get killed. I watched as a human but probably more, without trying to, as a mother.

 I've heard and read the commentary on the incident. About how horrible the 13yo was for "being disrespectful" & that he "deserved" it. Somehow justifying the use of physical force and an armed weapon to accomplish what? Control? Prove a point?
We teach our children stranger danger, if there was ever an attempt by someone to grab them they must fight, kick and scream, do whatever needs to be done to get away...yet this 13yo, being grabbed & dragged by a stranger, who is bigger and stronger, is being called disrespectful? His entire generation is being called disrespectful. His mother is being accused of being a horrible parent.

So I tell my kids, from now on...yes, be respectful BUT...But what? Be *perfect*? You have no rights? You won't be protected? You can't make a mistake? You can't trust adults? What!?! What DO I tell them? That there are CRAZY people out there who obviously have NO problem with the idea of pulling out an armed weapon if you walk on their lawn or speak back at them when they curse you, or are surrounded by other teens walking home from school, or you're wearing a hoodie at night...

Do I tell them they can expect to be viewed as guilty until proven innocent? So walk with your eyes down and your nose clean. Mind your business son...just keep on walking. Do I tell them they are not allowed to make mistakes? That the strongest guy will win. The lightest color guy will win? YES, I know other mothers have lived with this fear for decades. I know. I'm sorry.

Of course, being disrespectful is never appropriate. But is the correct response to a mouthy teen to pull out a gun!?! Since when it is ok to put your hands on and grab a 13 year old, you don't even know!?! If a parent reacted the way the man in this incident did, they'd be charged with child abuse! So how is it ok for this guy? Why did the teen get immediately cuffed, arrested and charged and the man got a calm, 'talking to' and then given 72 hour 'administrative leave'. No charges have been filed against him. Apparently he is entitled to an investigation. What was the teen entitled to?

It's true we do not know what happened before the video. We have only heard the teen's side of the story so far. From what I saw, the teen was acting like a punk, sure. However, I don't see where that justifies the grown adult, reacting physically, trying to force his will upon the teen and then pulling out a weapon. That is an abuse of authority, intimidation, bullying, etc.

I have questions. I don't have answers. My heart is heavy.

When We're All Acting Like the Desperate-Jesus-Needing Humans We Are!

It's been some kind of week. The type that leaves my heart and mind all over the place and I'm not exactly sure where to land. Feeling as if the only two options are to eat all the pie or nothing at all. Sure, the worship music is on but I don't feel like singing along. The 'all-I've-got-to-give' looks a lot like 'just sitting there.' For my weary soul, that's everything. There's no cure and I don't need fixing-because being the one that stays, counts. It's enough.

I asked...told? my kiddos NOT to give me their assignments to grade the night before or morning of their learning record meeting, warned them to get their work samples together early...The night before and morning of--here I was. Feeling discouraged and like a failure because my kids had pretty much done everything I warned them not to do.

My frailty was evident as I felt like losing it and going off on everyone. Isn't everyone aware of how stressful my life is already? Dishes that only take minutes to do, left undone. Items and objects that could easily be put away, left out. Shelves carelessly over stuffed with random papers and ish everywhere.

Enough to drive a mom mad, of course.

In the heat of my exasperation...the epiphany.

Everyone was simply acting like they need Jesus. I was upset because no one was doing what *I* wanted--even if what *I* wanted was good, useful and wise. And I was taking it personal because...?

Dumb.

My kids don't need me, they NEED JESUS! Just like I do. And I was getting upset because they were actually acting like it!?! Duh. 

Big. Fat. Duh.How else should they behave? Like they *need* ME? Like they have it all together and don't need anyone? Certainly not Jesus?

Why wouldn't I expect them to need Jesus and to actually act like it. Isn't this what every scripture and historical record in the Bible is about? One account after the next, of human beings prone to failure, trying to do this life on their own?

They need Jesus just as much as I do.
I need Jesus just as much as them.
The need is not dependent on chronological age.

Recognizing their need, my need, our need--enabled grace. Grace I need, is the grace I can give.

I want my children to need Jesus, not me. Even more, I want them to recognize it.
Maybe it requires me recognizing and remembering first. 

If I Don't Reach the Promised Land, Beyond the Curse of the Desert Wilderness

We've all been there in the midst of a trial-that moment when we look back and long for the past. Just as the Israelites, in the middle of their own wandering, began to view their past of slavery and bondage, through the filter of rose colored lenses.

Maybe it wasn't so bad? At least it was familiar, predictable...safe.

We can read their story with the privilege of it's entirety. We know how it's going to end.

In our own lives though, we don't know the ending. And that scares us! We get uncomfortable. We do not like change. We want what WE want, how we want and when we want it. Of course.

We know how that ended with the Israelites--the generation of Moses never entered the Promised Land. What a punishment and what they are forever known for.

God is never that cruel though.  Perhaps, there was solace and even a redemptive quality to their lives that has been over looked?

The Israelites that didn't reach the Promised Land, are also the generation that led their families OUT of slavery! Into FREEDOM!

After generations of bondage, they were finally free. Their children were free, no longer subject to the whims of a master or genocidal pharaoh. Their grandchildren would grow up free.   This is significant.

Many of us face and endure the wilderness journey at times. The heat and barrenness of the desert, where refreshment and reprieve are only a mirage. Admittedly, I have been in that place for more than a few years now. I have been guilty of looking back at times, longing for the comfort of my own slavery and bondage.

Until God reminded me of what is ahead AND the importance of the present. Not only for me, but for generations to come. I have done this. I have led my children out of slavery. They will step into the Promise Land. They will have the strength to knock down walls and take back what is theirs.

They could not move into their own promise if we had not walked into the freedom of the desert. There is no going back. Regardless of the environment, our freedom can not be taken from us. Freedom from negative patterns of behavior that were being practiced and taught by example.

The Israelites stood in the gap between slavery and freedom. Someone had to. Someone had to take the first step and cross over. Someone had to make the choice and be brave, venturing out into the unknown, without a map! Their wilderness journey served a purpose whether they ever entered the Promise Land or not. 

Someone has to stand in the gap. I made that choice. If I never step into the Promise...It will have all been worth it to watch my children walk in the truth of freedom.

Be Brave.

Taking Time Not To Lose It

Lunch...for the most challenging 7yo I've ever had! As a mom, I finally realized, when I am feeling the *most* frustrated-is when I *most* need to slowdown...and intentionally show and pour (strangle? No, pour! ) extra love into the moment. I can't even fathom how many million deep breathes I will have taken by the time this 'exhuberant' child is grown...but however many are necessary, I will take them! 

I stopped fighting the moment this morning. Walked away to focus on an act of love. The 7 year old could certainly make his own lunch. I acted out the grace by making it for him. I put in extra effort to make it look pleasing and attractive. I intentionally took the extra, unnecessary...or perhaps completely necessary, time to perform a gratuitous act of love. 

He ate his entire lunch in one sitting. A rarity! Peace was restored. 

Maybe...

I sat there, fascinated, watching him watch the water and all the potential it held. He pulled out a branch covered in soggy brown leaves. Then he pulled out a large chunk of wood he had previously thrown in. Who doesn't enjoy throwing things into water, watching a once in a life time splash that will never be repeated!?!

Maybe he will fall in the water...and be wet? Maybe he will slip and hit his head on a rock...and bleed? Maybe.

Maybe he will realize he has good balance, is smart, loves to explore, can get back up every time he falls, cuts heal, and that it's ok to get your shoes wet. Maybe.

Maybe he will remember when he was little and allowed to be a child.

Why My Children Don't *Have* to Obey Me

One of these kids is not mine. 

In my younger parenting days, I believed; you told your child what to do and they did it. I soon realized children don't always DO what you tell them to do, therefore it was my job, as a responsible parent to MAKE them do what I wanted them to do.

This could be accomplished in various ways. I'm sure many of us have grown up experiencing the various ways our parents would attempt to enforce their will upon ours, even when it truly was for our own good.

These days, I am a very different parent then I was when I started out 23 years ago.

My parenting language used to go something like this: "Take out the trash." Which worked great if the particular child this was directed at was feeling compliant at the moment. If not, well, that required more challenging navigation. My language began to vary: "I want you to take out the trash." Which was at least more honest, to "I need you to take out the trash." It wasn't really a need, not like I couldn't do it myself-no one was going to die if the trash wasn't taken out.

The thing is, over the last few years specifically, I feel my parenting style and expectations have changed dramatically and it was inspired by the challenges and struggles I've had within my marriage. Learning what healthy boundaries look like (*self* control not *others* control) and implementing them have had the greatest impact on my parenting and expectations of my kids.

God doesn't force us to choose Him as our Lord and Savior. He doesn't force us to receive His gift of grace. We are completely free to reject Him. Therefore, He also never forces us to obey Him. We have the freedom to choose. There are positive and negative consequences for every choice we make in our lives.

I have found the same goes for the parent-child relationship and obedience. These days my language looks more like this (when I'm on my game anyway-come on, I'm not perfect!): "I'd appreciate it if you would take out the trash." It either gets done or it doesn't. The problem parents have, is when our will is not done. How to handle that?

I offer positive and negative consequences, just like real life! I reason with my kids and speak to them as reasonable human beings, capable of considering the 'evidence' and making a well informed decision. IF they follow instructions, they enjoy privileges. If not, they lose privileges. Tasks are required to be fulfilled to the best of their ability. I remind them these are life skills...just like I can not go to work and do a shoddy, half @$$ job and expect to get paid my full, agreed upon wages, neither can they! I can't disrespect my boss and expect to continue working there.

Here's the thing--> I CAN choose to still do shoddy work and disrespect my boss, anyone can choose to behave in any way, form, or fashion they want...because we do not control anyone! However, as stated above, there are consequences to negative choices, just as there are for positive ones. I agreed to a certain amount of pay for a certain amount and level of work--not done equals not paid! Simple.

My children CAN choose to NOT do what I want them to do. I often remind them {and myself} if I have used language to the contrary: "You have to take out the trash-wait, let me rephrase that, you don't have to take out the trash but I'd appreciate it if you took out the trash. The choice is yours. There will be consequences for either choice you make." Of course they are aware of the consequences.

The real challenge is my response when I am not getting what I want, even as a parent. How I respond when my children are not doing what I want them to do, is crucial. The bottom line is: CONTROL! I DO NOT *control* my children or any other human on the planet except myself--and sometimes I fail at that! I think this will have a great impact on their view of God and relationship with him, first as a father and later as a friend, lover, mentor, etc. I don't believe God ever attempts to *control* us.

The same way God did not create us as automatons, incapable of individualized thoughts-because that is not what He wanted-I want my children to do right because they believe and know it's right, to obey because they want to, not out of fear or due to force. Even use of force requires an act of submission at some point. I don't want my children's submission to be based on a fear. I don't want my children to grow up thinking they can or have the right to attempt to control anyone either.

Life has no guarantees. Neither does parenting. It's a long process and maybe there's a learning curve for some of you...and for the rest of us, we're winging it. With fear and trembling...haha.

Happy Parenting! 

Developing Patience While Giving Up Control

Patience, yah, yah, yah. It's easy to become impatient most days. All is well until something isn't going your way. When it involves parenting, I am learning more and more, it's less about controlling your children and more about being patient with them.

When I was a younger parent, my understanding (and teaching I received) was that the point was to get your children to obey you. If you did X, enough times or forcefully enough, they would eventually know to obey. Of course, they would love and respect you all the more.

As I have grown as a person and a parent, I realize we control no one. My children are not robots, they are free thinkers and they are free to choose how they respond to me and anyone else. I have made it clear, there are consequences to every choice, good and bad.

Some days they make better choices and others...they don't. Just as I do and don't. What is a parent to do when a child is having an uncooperative day? It's funny that we call them uncooperative, they could very easily call us uncooperative. It's the truth, isn't? We are not doing what our child wants us to do, whatever that may be in their mind at the time. Who is really being uncooperative here?

We are the adults, we naturally have more life experience. Yes, my six year old must learn to read and that learning requires he read aloud to me for a minimum amount of time. When he does not want to follow my instructions, nothing I do can force him to. Sure, I can give a swat, reason with him, try to cajole or bribe him, raise my voice or any other number of methods to convince him that my way is the right way.

Maybe one of those attempts will work. Maybe they won't. Until they do though, it is still my responsibility to remain patient. See how that works?  He is another human being with his own will, thoughts, ideas and preferences. I can have perfectly logical and good reasons for him to do what I want. To himself, he may have his own set of reasons that make perfect sense to him, why he should have things his way.

We say, Lord, give me patience. Another responds: don't pray for patience, or you will be tested on it. Okay, that is just nonsense! One fruit of the Holy Spirit IS patience. Either you have it or you don't...or...

If we believe we have the Holy Spirit living within us we will produce proof, in the form of good fruit. Here's the thing though, fruit doesn't magically appear. It takes time to blossom, and grow. You may have fruit that is not in season or ripe yet. We can develop the fruit of the spirit over time!

It's a constant pruning and nurturing to develop good fruit. The more opportunities we have to exhibit patience, the more that virtue will grow within us. How freeing! Every time another person isn't doing what I want (if we're honest, that is what it always comes down to) I have the opportunity to practice patience. In that time of practicing, perhaps, I will change instead. Perhaps I will come to see a new or different perspective I did not see before. However, if I continue to demand MY way, whether this is in parenting, marriage, friendship, at work or ministry, I have quenched potential fruit, and possibly bruised a relationship or a relationship in the making.

As a parent (or any human being really) I must be willing to give up the attempt to control others. I must allow others the freedom to make mistakes, even big ones, and allow them to handle the consequences of those choices. If the choice made produces negative consequences, we then have the opportunity to extend grace and help those we care about navigate through the consequences. It's a wonderful beauty to be part of this process.

God never leaves us alone and I don't believe He expects us to instantly get everything right, every time. His love does not change for us because we have made the wrong choice. He gives us options and encourages us to make good choices but He never forces us. He reasons with us, through His Word, gives warnings and shows us through the many examples of those who have gone before us, possible outcomes of our choices. We are though, always free to make our own choice.

He shows the ultimate patience and grace with us, sometimes waiting our entire lives, for us to call out to Him for help. I can do the same with my child in any given moment or with others I love and care about. He has given us all we need, it is up to us to reach out and access it. It's up to nurture the good fruit within to produce right when it is needed.

A child or anyone else, who is not cooperating, doesn't need more force coming against them, what they need, is more patience, grace and love. To be honest, it's probably what I need in that very same moment as well. 

No, you can't fix it momma...

It's a harsh moment of grief when your children tell you they would like you to 'move on' and 'get involved' (meaning fall in love and get married) with someone new, not for your own happiness but for theirs. So they could feel loved instead of rejected, feel financially supported instead of lack.

My heart breaks.

It's one thing to carry your own burden of hurt but when you see your children hurting, it's an unstoppable ache.

I know that desire. The feeling of being unwanted regardless of how much love and acceptance surrounded me. Nothing could satisfy the longing that plagued my heart from the biological connection that never was.

The emptiness that formed and shaped my self prescribed identity.

Now, as a mother, I know that nothing on earth can fill that emptiness, not a man, a lover, a father or husband.

It's a God gap we all carry.

It manifests in different forms and we create a word or a blame for it. Maybe it was daddy or mommy, husband or wife, maybe it was grandma or a different type of unspeakable trauma...that left us battle worn and gun shy. Feeling lost and alone at times, still a trembling little kid in a cynical adult body.

We don't realize when we're young usually. At least I didn't. It was that ignorance that got me here, I think.

I was sure my marriage and family would be my happily ever after. 

Not, instead, a series of before and afters.

I can't fill the holes in their hearts myself. I could try and burden myself with guilt, shame, regret, distraught over my never ending efforts. Only to come the same conclusion...There's nothing I can do. I am not the great healer. How I wish I was. I wish I could fix it all. I wish I could love the emptiness out of them. Love the pain away.

My fractured love would only be a temporary band-aid at best.

My tears flow for all of us.

Not because I feel the situation is hopeless, but because I feel it deeply too. I feel the pain for all of us. The grief is real. Loss is real. Trauma is real.

We're all carrying it, looking for the answers, often in the wrong places, creating what feels like, a bigger mess than before.

We're looking for black and white, and creating a mash-up in shades of grey.

It won't work.

I can say that I believe God.

I trust Him.

He is the only perfect Father.

The perfect One.

The perfect everything.

I have seen Him work in my children's hearts and lives.

He produces good fruit.

He is the only one who could heal our hurts.

Heal our hearts.

How I wish it was as easy as finding a new man, a new father, a new lover.

I had a father. A good one too.

He wasn't the one.

He loved and accepted me, while in my mother's womb, and yet...

My heart still yearned for the one that wasn't there.

As Christ knelt in that garden crying, "Abba, Father..." (Mark 14:36)

Our hearts still cry out, "Take this from me!"

Though often, in silence.

He knew our longing to feel close.

It starts there, with the Father.

God is the good Father.
There is none other like Him.
He hears you momma.
He hears your children.
He is not far from you.

I don't have to fix it and neither do you.

Our attempts would be mediocre at best.

I leave it in His hands.

I will show my children that someone else, is not the answer, and never will be. It's a grief that needs to be felt, even deep. Through it, glory is revealed. I don't know how or when. I only know God is the answer. Another man, lover or husband is not going to make all my, or their, pain go away. If it could, my family wouldn't be where it is today.

Nothing can satisfy.

Pursue God, momma, with all that is in you, or even just a fraction of what is in you, if that is all you have. Pursue Him and keep pressing forward. You will win this race and you will finish well.

Four Ways to Ease the Tension When Your Child Is Having a *Moment*

I am sure I have mentioned our *shake it off* routine --works TREMENDOUSLY well for *transitional* periods, like from ncp to cp!

SHAKE it off/out
HUG it out
BREATH it out
TICKLE it out

I did this with my 6yo when he came back from being with dad and *immediately* started whining!!! I actually did ALL of them! lol

Instead of barking at him, becoming frustrated (for the millionth time) I gave him a big hug and  said: Your whining is indicating to me you are not feeling %100 right now. {I said this while hugging him.} Do you need to hug it out? Or breath it out--then we did hands to heart center & took a few deep breathes--I smiled and said OR do you need to TICKLE it out!?! And began tickling him. He laughed it out. 

Whew! Crisis averted. He proceeded to the back yard, happily doing who knows what--as he often goes & does--he loves the outdoors. 

Peace restored!!! 

SHAKE it off/out: go the porch and vigorously shake the entire body, all the limbs, say a few words about leaving whatever happened previously *behind* and *outside* declare your home a place of peace and love.

HUG it out: embrace in a FULL body hug. Squeeze tight. Stay physically connected for at least a a couple breathes.

BREATHE it out: {hands to heart center} Slowly raise hands above head while taking a deep breath until they meet. Keeping the palms touching bring them down in front of chest/heart. Hold. Repeat at least 3 times, taking your time.

TICKLE it out: {self explanatory, right?} Smile big & tickle your child. Enjoy a moment to relax & laugh boisterously.

YOU know your child. YOU know what they need and what will work. An angry child may not respond positively to tickling. A sick child may not be capable of shaking it out. A whiny child may just need a hug and to be reminded how smart they are. Of course, the articulate child may be fine just *talking it out* but even my older children often need a *physical trigger* to disconnect and switch gears in their attitude (or as we like to call it: BADitude!).

These also work well for MOMMAS and other adults. 

Collecting Acorns

It's the mundane, ordinary, nothing-special, looking moments.
You're on the lawn, gathering acorns, sifting through the dirt, dead leaves, avoiding the split and cracked ones...when a heart opens. Conversation ensues.

We're not meant to entertain our kids constantly. It can't be Disneyland every day. It can be togetherness. It can be quiet opportunities of time. We don't have to complicate it.

An opportunity with nothing pressing and no agenda, except to be...together...sitting in dirt, collecting acorns.

Hide & Seek

Playing a major game of hide & seek & 6yo hasn't even looked in the closet yet!

It's a Sunday afternoon...this seemed like a good idea. SO I hid in my closet and all the other kids hid while the youngest was outside in the back yard. I hollered at him to come in the house. 

He won't look in the closet! 

He kept coming into my room and looking on my bed, but not once looked in the closet. He returned to the back yard and oldest snuck  out to spy on him from the roof.

I finally had to have uncle/my brother call and tell him to *look in the closet*! Lol

He was just about to lose it crying from not being able to find me or anyone else. He walked into my room So many times and I still can't believe he never looked in the closet. Every time he left, I would holler again, for him to come in the house. It was fun while it lasted. 

Broken Glass, Fragile Hearts

Glass breaks...so do hearts. Equally fragile, unequally valuable

Your kids will make mistakes, hey, maybe they'll even be careless and reckless. How you respond is *crucial*. An angry or impatient response only teaches a child you are not to be trusted or safe when they find themselves in trouble, in a situation-even of their own making-they don't know how to get out of, or have made a mistake they can't fix alone.

Be gracious. Help them figure out solutions, how to manage consequences and failures, with out condemnation. Accidents happen.

Broken glass is replaceable,  a heart isn't.

Just Another Manic Monday!

So here is my average Monday routine...I don't ever call it Manic Monday because I want to have a good attitude about it. haha. It does tend to feel rather crazy though.

Morning Fit Camp

We started back to morning work-outs today. Bright and early, 8:30 am and we even arrived on time! That was close to a miracle already. After that it was back home for showers, breakfast, some schoolwork and getting things together to take in the car and for art class--OH but first a stop at the grocery store for a tub of yogurt and a bit of granola. That sounded more refreshing to the middles than eggs I guess.

Today was also a day the 5yo spends with the Mr. That involved packing his school bag, creating assignments, getting him up and dressed WITH teeth brushed for longer than 2 seconds.

Basic home chores

The middles and I also squeezed in a few extra chores. We left at noon to get big brother/oldest to work by 12:30pm, though the middles and youngest class does not start until 1:00pm. Hence, the school supplies for the car. I try to have them take advantage of 'extra time', otherwise, they tend to believe they don't have enough time to do schoolwork, reading especially. I check my tutoring schedule and catch up on business emails from the car before class.

While they are in art class, another mom and I use the time to walk the neighborhood or local beach while catching up and praying. Today we tracked ourselves at 4.8 miles burning 666 calories in just under 1.5 hours. 

Trip to the library

After art class we head on over to my second part time job--where we each get to play Cinderella and clean a local hair salon. That includes sweeping, vacuuming, mopping, dusting, restroom cleaning, taking out the trash and replacing bags, you get the idea.

I had an extra errand I had to squeeze in--a quick trip to the library to check out books about Martin Luther King Jr, so the middles could write a research paper or essay, as both of their history texts are covering the civil rights movement. At the same time, I stopped at the mall to drop oldest off at Target so he could get toiletries he needed.

Work at the tutoring center.

Rushing home to get ready for job #1--the tutoring center. It was a nice and warm day, I needed a shower from both the work outs. I had just under an hour now to get ready and at least start dinner for my dinner delivery plus prepare for my Monday tutoring client--an extremely busy preschooler. The middles helped finish dinner up. I drove instead of walked to work this evening since we had play rehearsal right after work.

Play rehearsal.

Dinner delivery cancelled due to my own lack of notice which worked out--I ate the delicious Teriyaki chicken salad when I arrived at rehearsal. My tutoring session is 5-6pm and rehearsal is 6-7:30 pm. Birdy met me at the tutoring center and I was out the door by 6:05, arriving at rehearsal about 6:10pm.

It went well. Birdy then heads across the parking lot to choir practice. It actually starts at 7:00 pm but due to play rehearsal, the children in both the play and choir, arrive late. My friend, the choir director is kind enough to bring Bird home afterward.

I am finally back home for good and I feel pretty Monday wasted. I walk in and my 5yo is "enthusiastic" to put it mildly, from not seeing me all day and wants all my undivided attention-he and the 14yo are both eating popsicles. My five year old puts on a pouty face, "I don't even like this popsicle though!"

 "Show me your new jump rope! Did you learn to jump?" I change the subject,  knowing the Mr purchased one because I asked, so I can record a new PE skill learned and to go along with a rhyming poem I found about jumping rope.

He hands me the popsicle. I put it away in the freezer and never remind him about it later. He demonstrates his new jumping rope skill. I read him the poem and we repeat it a few times. He insists I read all the poems...I skip a few pages with out him knowing. I talk him into taking a bath. My 14yyo swears he's hungry again and starving. 

I veg out a bit until the 5yo cries, "I can't wash my hair, it's too hard." I wash him up. "Ok, love you, go to bed now--your own bed." Later I find him asleep in mine...as usual.

Happy Monday.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

As he snuggled up to me, all I felt was fear that he would vomit on me!

There was no celebrating for us. No sweet green table settings. And absolutely NO pinching. After a long couple nights of vomiting and fainting children, we were all wiped out. 

After art class and cleaning the salon on Monday, Kurtis vomited as soon as we arrived home, right outside the car on the sidewalk. I'm not sure how he survived art class. Liberty started feeling a bit funky too and by evening, took her own turn. She tried to stay in denial about it and that cost her the blanket and pillow she was lying on. 

Eggs of natural blue, pink, tan, and deep rust colors.

I felt exhausted and overwhelmed but you know--no rest for the weary--especially if that 'weary' is a momma! I headed to work and was greeted with this cute jar of the most beautiful fresh eggs I have ever seen from one of my students. His family has six chickens and they brought me a jar of naturally colorful eggs as a 'Thank You' for working with him. That brightened my day unbelievably. His chicken laid the blue eggs. Since these are fresh, they can remain unrefrigerated for up to 5 weeks unless I wash them. Amazing!

Getting my green on for work!

Since there was no St. Paddy's day indulgence happening at my house, I got a little green on for work at least. I painted my nails green, wore green earrings, sweater and rubber bands along with this green sparkly foam tiara, that's obviously seen better days.
Sleepless nights that include sick vomiting children are just the worst for me. Besides being exhausted, they take a major toll on me emotionally as they magnify the reality and feelings of being left alone in this parenting journey. The worry, the decision making and feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders alone...pushes me to my limits. Limits of faith and trust in God in the mess, in the loads of laundry, towels and underwear, like the vomit in the corners, splattered on every surface, is how far reaching is my need for Christ's grace in my own life.
Once again, He was there with me. He sustained me and led me into moments of beauty and gratefulness in an otherwise dehydrated barf-O-rama desert! 

The Big Dance: Masquerade Ball

Helping my favorite girl get all dolled up. 

Yes, actually, home schoolers do occasionally attend real dances, if they are so inclined. My oldest attended a dance when he was in high school with the same local tween/teen home-school social group. This wasn't the middles first dance. They attended a costume party dance last fall with this same group. They don't really know anyone {that's why they invite friends} but they enjoy having fun and dancing all together.  

The theme was: Masquerade Ball. Sounds fancy but we're talking teens here! They did wear masks and dressed up. I was a bit shocked when I finally saw Birdy all ready. I mean, she's 12!!! She wanted to wear her high top chucks but they are purple with unicorns, naturally they wouldn't match. I suggested a pair of low pumps of mine. Once I saw her, I sort of wished I would have left her alone with the tennis shoes so she'd still look 12. Haha.

Mothers and daughters.

My niece, their paternal cousin went with them again. She wore chucks. 

Ready to enter the dance hall!

Here they are, siblings, cousins and friends. They had fun. They are good kids. I feel proud that they are even willing to step out of a comfort zone, to attend an event where they wouldn't really know anyone, and be joiners. I know not everyone would agree with kids attending dances...unless it's cotillion. Oh well.

While they were dancing the night away, I took a mommy date with youngest, like last time. We went to Knott's, ate dinner and went on a few rides. He was SO excited to say we were going on a date. Right before we left for the evening, he proudly, told his little neighbor friend, "I have to go. I'm going on a date with my mom!"

That one time...

Remember that one time my 14yo got so upset he stormed out of the house at 10pm with out telling anyone where he was going, and we called a search party of parents, youth pastor Sean, leader Alberto and big brother Ern while his other siblings shed crocodile tears? Oh wait-that was last night!

And shall forever be known as: "That one time Sam ran away...to Target!!!"

Too soon?


Yes. That happened. He's seems to be the most melo-dramatic one of the four, so far. Sigh. This sweet, funny, emotional, fourteen year old man-child. Bird was so upset. It completely triggered a feeling of abandonment in her. "How could he just leave!?! How could he leave me? He's my best friend. I go to him for everything, the one I can talk to!"

Ern, oldest, had circled the neighborhood a few times and was unable to locate him. He suggested I let youth Pastor Sean know and he was kind enough to come over to help search. I felt obligated to call the Mr. I didn't want to, honestly, for fear it would in some way, be used against me. I put my personal hesitations aside and called him, out of respect as his father, at least. He joined the search to find him.

I noticed I had received a cryptic and dramatic text from the boy...indicating he was someplace with free wifi since he does not have a cell phone, only an Ipod. The Mr. found him at Target and promptly brought him home. The 14yo told me later, he was just wandering the toy aisles, looking at all the toys.

What a perfect picture for a 14 year old, caught within the frustration between boyhood and manhood. Wanting to be independent but required to submit to the daily rigors of schoolwork, chores and mom.

I, of course, felt like a complete failure. I'm doing this alone. Even after all this time, it shocks me sometimes, the responsibility of parenting alone. I don't know what the right thing to do or respond always is. Should I have not chased after him and simply expected he'd come home when he was hungry or cold or at least when Target closed? Did that just feed into his pity party? Should I have gone easier on him in the first place when I was reprimanding him before he stormed out? Is he just doing this to be dramatic and get attention or is he really feeling unloved, neglected and abandoned too? 

I don't know the answers to these questions but the questions themselves, weigh heavy on me, daily. It's ALL on me. I'm the one making the parenting decisions. I'm the one meting out consequences, ultimatums, making the decision to ground someone or not. I'm the one having to decide when to exert an extra measure of grace or push a little harder.

And sometimes, I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to have FUN! I want everyone to be happy and carefree. I want to ditch the rules and responsibilities too. I'm tired of having to choose if situations warrant me playing good cop or bad cop that day. I don't want to be any cop. I don't want to feel stressed and overwhelmed. I'm tired of worrying about feeling I'll get blamed for everything if I make a wrong decision.

I'm tired of trying to teach my sons how to be honorable and respectable men of integrity. I'm tired of trying to teach my daughter what to look for in a man, what a respectable, honorable man of integrity looks like...just by my words and warnings, with out a living example for myself, to SHOW them!!!

Don't get me wrong, we know men of integrity. But there is a huge difference between knowing someone and having a daily, living and breathing man in the home, teaching by example. I like to think I have it all together and my kids will turn out just fine--like the Mr. insists. Moments like last night though, make it glaringly obvious that everything is NOT ok. I do NOT have it all together. My children DO have wounded hearts and sometimes is shows.

The only saving grace I can give myself...is my trust in God. That He is caring for all of us, come what may. He hears my prayers and the cries of my heart. I know all hope is not lost and our life is pretty great, considering. But these moments...aaahhhh...they challenge hope for sure. So for now, I make light and poke fun at the ridiculousness of my 14yo running away...to Target! 

Another 20 Days to Celebrate

We home-educate through a public charter school. We've been with this educational option for a few years now. Every twenty days, we meet with, what they title; an educational specialist. The children provide work samples from every subject and I provide a list of all the work they have done, topics that have been covered and skills learned, for that learning period, to be added to their 'learning record'or 'portfolio'.

Today was our twenty day meeting. I used to get extremely stressed by these meetings. It started 3 years ago when I was finishing my own education and the Mr and I separated. We developed a pattern of anxiety before the meetings.

The meetings never went as bad as we all imagined and once they were over, we would feel so relieved. The next year, I was finished with school but the pattern of anxiety was still there. I intentionally worked very hard to undue the stress we had associated with these monthly meetings.

It took all of that year after I graduated for us trust each other again. For them to trust that I was going to keep my cool. For me to trust that they were and would be, responsible for their own work and samples. For all of us to trust that everything was going to be ok.

Since that time of reestablishing our sense of peace, we've had a few changes, triggering the anxiety again. I work outside the house now, as well as from home. No matter what though, the meetings still seem to go very well and we leave feeling positive.

We have annual passes to Knotts Berry Farm which include a a meal plan. I had a couple client cancellations and didn't have to go into work so I took my ktbunch to Knott's and 'çelebrated' another successful meeting.

Even after 16 years of home-educating, I am still figuring things out and don't have it all together. It's more challenging now in some ways, but I am proud of what we have all accomplished and over come together, as a family. I love these kids and I love home-educating!

Time-Out

Somehow, I get the impression 'Time Out' 

against the wall w/ the map,

wasn't the best idea...

"Do you want to know which flag is my favorite? 

Which one's our country? 

Where do we live?"