Where Else Can I Go?

When you show up to church heavy hearted, heart broken, grieved over your own brokeness...and friends unexpectedly bless you. 

What demonstrations of Christ's unconditional love and grace. When I'm less than deserving and want to hide from His divine presence-but I show up anyway. Where else can I go? Where can I hide from His presence?

So I bring my shame and He brings me flowers? He showers me with gifts. Not because He approves but because He continues to love, even when He does not approve. In that space of safe love and acceptance, I am convicted and corrected. May I never miss an opportunity to share this same abundance of grace and forgiveness toward others, that has been shown me. 

❤💔❤

I'm grateful I was disowned.

SO! That's quite a title isn't it? Here we go...

There once was a girl, of only 16 years. Maybe she thought she was in love, maybe she was simply hoping someone really loved her. Whatever she was thinking or feeling, cost her childhood. Without knowing, she grew up in one night, as her future was conceived in her womb. Along with a baby, grew a burden of shame and guilt that she would carry for the rest of her life. Added to that was a nagging doubt she had made the wrong decision. Oh, not to have the baby and accept motherhood.

She made a life altering decision that she would never know for sure was the right one. She chose the father of her baby. She didn't leave it up to biology or chance. She took back her power and made the best decision she could, with the knowledge and skills she had at the time. She didn't live long enough to know it was the right one all along.

I have though.

I connected with my biological father a few years ago via facebook. He was never part of my life. He would say it was my mother's choice, shirking any personal responsibility. I know enough of the legal system, if he truly wanted to be in my life, nothing and no one could stop him. I was over that though. Willing to accept him as is and allow him into a small part, at least digitally through social media. My personal life was falling apart at the same time so it was all I could handle.

Fast forward to the past month. I discover that I have another brother. A biological half brother, who shares a father with me. Strange. He is quickly accepted by the extended paternal side of our family and by our father...for about three minutes. Then he was denied. I question bio-daddy about this and, oh about three minutes later, I was virtually disowned via social media. Since that was the only way I had to connect with him, I no longer can. Just.Like.That.

Here's the thing though. The real point of this post.

In that moment, when it all went down--though I felt shocked, I mostly felt immense gratitude. Confirmation that almost 45 years ago, my mom made the BEST choice ever. For me, for her, for the man I REALLY call dad. He was the best thing that happened to us. He is an amazing father. He also, did the best he could with the skills and knowledge he had. He stayed. He loved. He chose fatherhood, even as a teenager. He chose me.

One brief, shocking moment brought a lifetime of clarity...and healing. Resentments I didn't even know I had toward my parents, nothing major, self-centered, residual, teenage angst I didn't even perceive I had been carrying around-was healed in the realization that I was so blessed with the father who raised me.

All the work I've been doing on myself, working through heart ache to self-care, healing and being emotionally and mentally healthy and whole, was also demonstrated when I didn't react brokenly by bio-daddy's unwarranted shunning. I clearly saw his brokenness and let him carry it.

How could I have seen my own growth? Is there another way to practice gratitude but when you experience loss? Or are unjustly mistreated? How can you not be grateful for the distance from madness? Once again, I have been reminded...the separation is the rescue.

Thank you mom. You made the right choice.

Exercises in Forgiveness

Soul Work is hard work. It requires going deep inside and bringing the wounds to the outside. As I work more on myself, I become more capable of leading my children along this path of healing with me.

After an unexpected incident, which led to more opportunities for healing and growth, I knew we needed to seal our hearts a little tighter. The wounds needed mending. It was also a good way to release the wounds of and say goodbye to, August and hello to September, a new month, a fresh start.

One exercise I have developed and found helpful in aiding the work of forgiveness involves actual fire.

I had my children join me in an exercise I have done myself. We make a list, two actually. One side is all the offenses, hurts, and wounds we can think of, remember, or the Lord reveals, that have been perpetrated against us. It doesn't matter if they are real or only perceived. Whatever it is, it gets written down.

The other side is creating a list of offenses, hurts, wounds, we have perpetrated against others. We take these lists and bring them before the fire. We say a pray confessing these wounds and declaring FORGIVENESS of every offense. We physically tear the paper to bits and pieces and we throw it into the fire. We set our hearts free from resentment, bitterness and or unforgiveness.

We do the same for ourselves, we repent and receive forgiveness as our 'sins' are torn to shreds and burned in the fire. We verbally speak aloud, forgiveness, release from repayment or obligation, repentance and freedom.

At the end, we make declaration of life and blessings on our offenders and over ourselves as we watch the evidence of our wounds disintegrate into ash. It is a raw reminder of God's promises of restoration to us:

Isaiah 61:3 To appoint them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified. 

Beauty comes from the ashes. God created man from the dust, the dirt, perhaps even the ashes of the earth. He created something remarkable and breathed His life and image into him...into us.

My children will walk in freedom. They are free to love, to forgive, to laugh and be themselves. They are free to know their value and worth in Christ...enough that they will not harbor bitterness nor tolerate the weakness of another mistreating them.

It's a symbolic gesture. A gesture of our commitment to healing and freedom.
Always moving forward.

Boundaries For Love = Self-Control

"This is not a good time to talk. I don't know what to think. I think you should leave. I am not in a good place right now. This is not a good time." My heart was racing, my hands trembling as I tried to concentrate on keeping my arms from appearing to flail wildly while I spoke.

The Mr. had shown up at the door unexpectedly yesterday, to do some damage control with our kids after we were all exposed to some hurtful information about him. He refused to leave...

Everything escalated after that, though I believe none of us truly wanted it to. I don't regret anything I said, because I spoke truth but I was too frustrated and wasted too many words that were not received and didn't want to be heard. Pearls to swine...

I am still figuring out the whole healthy boundaries and relational health 'thing'. It doesn't come naturally to me yet.

While I feel and one could say my husband didn't respect my boundary-the truth is, I didn't. It's always about self control. I could have (and should have) removed *myself* from the situation.

I also realized I have done the same thing my husband did many times...He has expressed in tense moments, that he didn't want to talk-and while there was some rejection and avoidance at play there, it never went well nor did it build trust to not respect the limit he was trying to convey.

Controlling ourselves with boundaries is not meant as punishment or emotional manipulation like the 'silent treatment'. It's meant to preserve our love and prevent damage to relationship.

My path to healing and relational health involves leading my children along this path with me. The Mr. ended up giving them permission and respecting their desire for 'space' (a healthy boundary) after yesterday's upset. The middles long for relationship with their dad but not at the cost of their own emotional health, well being and personal value system. They have decided they are OK talking on the phone to him when he calls but not hanging out with him.

When we create space, teach our children their worth which includes valuing their feelings, how to adequately manage them and use self control, they can then feel confident to recognize and stand up for their own boundaries/limits and learn to safely disengage from mistreatment.

We were able to convey that we all love, respect and forgive my husband and he is free to continue on this negative path along with the consequences of that choice, which includes a lack of intimate and close relationship with us, his family. He did not like that nor want it, he wants it *all* with out consequence...but surprisingly, so far, he accepted their decision. He also tried to reassure *them* of his love, though his actions convey only *self love*. We all accepted his choice as well.

We all, including the Mr, looked a bit battle worn today. The Mr was subdued and possibly remorseful and humbled as he came to get the kids. Only the 5yo went with him. I suspect this is affecting him, as in the past he would have approached arrogantly and upbeat, as if nothing had happened.

Sigh.

Keep pursuing healthy love and healing.

I Don't Want to Have Anything to DO With Him Ever Again!

Last night, I went to bed with a heavy heart, nearly heart broken all over again. My middle son was triggered and began to share his heart. We MUST STOP what we are doing when those who share so tentatively, take a moment to trust us with their tender vulnerability, and REALLY LISTEN--not only to them but to God, at the same time, for divine wisdom--parenting can be challenging sometimes.

His jaw was set hard but it didn't stop those big, silent, crocodile tears from streaming down his 14 year old face, over the peach fuzz above his lips. "I don't want to EVER be compared to dad. I don't like that. I am nothing like him and I don't want to be!"

He continued, "I am ready to move on...I am ready to let go." His shoulders tensed as the tears came in waves. Fourteen year olds should not have to be stoic.

"What do you mean by move on? Let go? What does that look like for you?" I asked softly.

"I mean, I just want to forget about him. I don't want to be around him. I don't want to have anything to do with him." He said, his anger and pain rushing again to the surface.

"You won't ever forget him...I mean every time you look in the mirror..." I smiled. "I know you love him and that is why you feel hurt. People disappoint us. I am sorry you are facing this situation."

Barely holding back my own tears, I tried to use my words sparingly. A hand on his shoulder...wishing I could cuddle him in my lap and he didn't have to feel what he was experiencing. Silently saying my own prayer for wisdom...I reminded him of the WORD. "God says He will use what is meant for harm, for good." I continued to speak intentionally into his life, heart and soul, "You are forgiving. You have a heart of compassion and you know, maybe more than others your age, how God is your provider and because of the pain you have felt, you feel compassion for others...."

More tears, more words, more heart ache...

"His DNA is in your blood, along with mine, you are part of both of us. You also have the DNA of Christ, which over rides negative behavior. You stay humble and continue to rely on Christ and you will be a responsible and loving husband and father some day... It might be helpful to focus on and remember the good times you shared with your dad. I know you have good memories with him."

In the end, we were both worn and it was late.

Today, the Mr was scheduled to pick them up for a couple hours before work. Everyone slept in later than usual. No one was in a hurry to leave either when dad showed up at 10am.

I checked in on my 14yo and in typical 14yo fashion, he was 'fine.' Tired but fine. He still chose NOT to express his heart to his dad...none of them feel safe enough for that yet...but the burden was lifted. He said he just needed to 'release' what he had been holding in.

Amazing what comfort a listening ear can be. Also a reminder that negative emotions can be handled appropriately, redirected and they DO PASS, therefor, we do NOT have to act on them. 

I wanted to be angry. For both of us. For him, having to feel so hurt. For my pain, cause he was hurting AND for having to deal with it ALONE. I was tempted to text my older son (21yo) who was out w/ friends-to come home immediately, for 'back up' (they have a good relationship)--BUT knowing I had to be the parent God has created me to be! I AM the parent & I have been CHOSEN, qualified and capable of handling the *hard stuff*.

JUST AS YOU have been! You CAN do this. No, you DON'T have to play BOTH parental roles...just YOUR role. I am not perfect. I *consistently* pray for WISDOM, not only as a human on this planet BUT specifically as a PARENT...in this 'situation'. We are dealing with circumstances above and beyond the normal call of duty. God promises to give wisdom. Start or KEEP reading Proverbs--EVERY day. Keep praying. Keep speaking life. Don't give up.   

{this was NOT all of his or our conversation--as I want to respect his privacy, but I feel free to share portions of MY part. I know you all understand.  }

Dear Wounded Child

I want to address every child that has ever been wounded, disappointed or let down by a parent. I want to stand in for your parent that has disappointed you. We are adults, and you were right to expect us to behave like ones. I want to say I am sorry.

I am sorry that we did not protect you. I am sorry for being selfish and putting my own wants and desires first. I am sorry for letting you down. I'm sorry that we did not behave as adults. I'm sorry that we put you in a position of having to grow up too fast, for having to take care of yourself when we should have been the ones to take care of you. I'm sorry for acting immaturely and more like a kid than an adult.

I'm sorry we didn't keep it together for you. I'm sorry that we didn't respect your other parent enough to maintain an intact family for you to grow up in. I'm sorry for the ways and times I didn't listen to you when you had something on your heart to tell me. I'm sorry I didn't show up when I said I would. I'm sorry I forgot you at school. I'm sorry I left you unsupervised and allowed you to face temptations you weren't ready to handle yet. I'm sorry I didn't always follow the standards I told you to follow. I'm sorry we demanded respect while we acted disrespectfully. I'm sorry we separated from your other parent. I'm sorry we divorced and you had to go between two houses and then got mad when you forgot stuff. I'm sorry we never married and I introduced you to a new parent and that caused you to feel confused.

I'm sorry I lied to you about where you came from. I'm sorry I didn't protect you and allowed you to be introduced to topics too young. I'm sorry I yelled when you spilled your drink. I know it was an accident. I'm sorry I was too busy to just give you a hug or tousle your hair. I'm sorry I didn't even notice when you needed a hug or that time you were crying alone in your room. I'm sorry we didn't maintain our authority and position as your parents and let you make decisions you weren't able to take on yet.

I'm sorry for losing my temper, for calling you names. I'm sorry you were left alone. I'm sorry I scared you.  I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me the most. I am sorry that we failed you. Big time. There is no excuse. I want you to know though, that it wasn't your fault. It was mine. It was ours. We failed you. We were supposed to protect you and provide for you and we didn't.

It wasn't your fault. Do you hear me? It wasn't. You were a kid. You were meant to behave like a kid and we were supposed to be an example of responsible adult behavior. I want you to know that you don't need to carry around that guilt any more. It wasn't your fault we never married your other parent, or separated or even divorced from them. None of that was ever really about you. It was about us. It was our own selfishness. We are sorry for bringing you into our problems. We should have exhibited more self control. We should have shown more love. We should have taught you how to work out problems instead of running away from them.  You deserved more respect from us. You deserved to be loved and accepted. We are sorry you felt rejected. You deserve to be taken care of as a child. We should have pursued more of a relationship with you. It was selfish of us to expect you to chase after us. It was selfish of us to blame your other parent.

You are worthy to be loved. You need to know that. You are not destined to fail or to repeat our failures. You have your own path to walk. You need to know that God has a greater path ahead for you. A path that is not bound to our mistakes. You can release the anger toward us. We deserve it. We want you to know, though, that it was not meant to be your burden to carry. We are sorry for putting our own burdens on you to carry.

You are destined for greatness, not mediocrity. You are meant to soar and succeed. Your dreams are not stupid. They are amazing. You are amazing. You were not a mistake or an accident. You were meant to be born. There is a great plan and destiny for your life. I want you to be free to follow it, to live it. You are smart. You have talents and gifts that are uniquely yours. Don't be afraid to use them. Don't be afraid to let your light shine. You can go to school and do well. You can get good grades. You can paint or sing or dance or act. You can do research and find answers. You can read great books. You can learn new things. You can get a great job and excel at it. You can enjoy it. You are responsible and you can make good choices.

You will get a second chance. If we ruined your childhood--we want you to know you have a second chance. When you have your own kids. You are free to have fun, to laugh, to play ball, to roll around in the grass with them. You are free to enjoy their childhood and have fun all over again.

You do not need to behave like us. You do not have to be neglectful or selfish. You are free to love your own children. You are free to let them love you. You are free to cuddle and snuggle with them. You are free to tickle them, hug and kiss them. You are free to have family dinners around the table. You are free to listen to them. You are free to laugh at their silly jokes. You can smile when they spill their drink accidentally. You don't have to yell.

You are free to love, honor and respect your spouse too, their parent. You don't have to repeat our bad behaviors. You are free to be faithful and loving. You are free to love. You will be a great parent and a great spouse. You will honor others. You will treat others respectfully. You will keep your word, your commitments, your vows. You will be trustworthy.

We want you to know that you really were a great kid. We hope you will forgive us and choose to be free. We want you to be everything you were destined to be. We want to see you succeed in spite of us. You were born to succeed. Don't give up. Please forgive us and be free.

You can Forgive and Forget

Yesterday, I remembered an offense that had been perpetrated against me, by someone very close to me. I had completely forgotten about it. I don't know what even triggered the memory. I felt nothing about it. No emotional response whatsoever.

There was no sting, pain or even disappointment. I truly felt
nothing. I can't even remember what the offense was even now, while I am writing. It has become so insignificant, that it takes up no space in my memory.

When you choose to forgive and allow God to do the work within your heart, He really does. Just as He blots out our transgressions from His own memory, He has the power to remove from our memory, transgressions against us, as well.

That is real freedom.

Tuesday on Set

Yesterday was crazy on set...today was more low key though there were more people here...that I know personally too. Yesterday there were homeless people--I mean actual homeless people to play homeless people in a church/mission scene.

One was a transvestite and he exposed his breast to me and threw off his wig in a fit...it was interesting to me that I could immediately tell he was reacting to an incident, internalizing and taking the situation completely personal when it was completely NOT personal--not about him at all.

I could see that he had been hurt in life...before he confirmed it I knew; prostitution, drug use...a very abused and hurt individual...a life led by addictions, alcohol, lack of identity, exploitation and self abuse...very sad. So what to do?

I believe a few years ago..or maybe just any other day I would have just stayed there to myself with my friend, conversing and ignored him completely. But for some reason, I did not feel socially afraid of him in any way and did not feel like I wanted or needed to ignore him.

So since he was still getting upset...I turned to him and simply acknowledged his pain. Then I bent down a bit to look in his eyes and put my hand on his big gnarly man hand with the long red painted fingernails and began to speak to him.

"It sounds like you have been very hurt. You are right, you are here for a purpose and God does love you." I continued, "Whatever happened inside there, is between those people and God. They are going to answer for that.  But we, are going to just let it go and forgive...and be free," I took a deep breathe, indicating and encouraging that he do the same.

I spoke softly, encouraging him to quiet down and knowing he was hungry continued, "You're going to get some food, let's just quiet down and everything is going to be ok. We are going to be free and forgive. Just take a deep breath and simply let go, release and forgive."

He did calm down...he was pretty teary eyed by then. "Thank You," he said.

I feel like the instinct is to think I did something great for this man--went out of my comfortable bubble and 'oh look at me a member of the great white hope, reaching out!' But really--*I* certainly don't think that at all. I don't feel special and I don't even think *I* did anything special at all. My eyes were opened to recognize a hurting individual, a human being...who carries his baggage right there with him at all times...mainly in the form of artificial feminine breasts that are permanently attached to his chest. 

He had two bullet wound scars on his right arm...beside a long scar running the length of the inside of his forearm...I think 'track mark' scars on the inside of both elbows, a bypass surgery scar over his heart, long scars along his neck and across his left forearm...and he was missing some teeth.

He also wore a hospital identification bracelet but it didn't look new.

I think it all seemed so obvious to me because...because...I don't know exactly...because of my own life and the need for forgiveness? Being able to recognize when another person over reacts--compassion is stirred if you are aware. If you understand the need for forgiveness and the freedom it carries when you do. His name was Ericka but I think his birth name was Tony.

He finally left after being told to be quiet for the last time.

"I am leaving! I AM a star and what you people are doing in there is WRONG! I am going to make my own tape and then you will see!" He said to the assistant that told him to be quiet.

He came back later when he realized he forgot his blanket. Then he walked around to the back of the building to ask for one of the producers, to get him and his friends some food. He had left before lunch.

Later we realized someone stole my four year old's ice cream $$$ from my bag...but we all had our lap tops and Iphones out in the dressing room so I figured that was a small price to pay for nothing else of higher value, being stolen. A costumer's atm card and the make-up girl's credit card were stolen...but not cash from their wallets or other cards...interesting.

I thought it was a good day over all.

Our scarlett letters

Dear sister, believe me when I tell you, I know the pain in your heart. It’s unbelievable at times. It’s a whirlwind and all you want to do is to be able to walk out of it, intact. There’s no hiding these types of situations. Everywhere you go, whatever you do, it’s as if YOU are the one wearing the Scarlett Letter.

A for Adultery

A for Almost but Not Quite Enough

A for Anything but This

A for Abandoned

A for All Your Shattered Dreams

A for All Exposed

A for Asking for Answers

A for Abuse
A for Alcohol
A for Adoption

Maybe you didn’t put any of these on yourself. You didn’t ask to wear the T-shirt but here it is and it feels like it fits. Maybe you bought the Tshirt and had it custom made. It really doesn’t matter. What matters is that was never yours to begin with.

God had and still has a plan for your life. He promises that even the harmful things and situations, He will work out for good in your life. It takes a lot of faith to believe that when all you really see is the destruction and mess around you.

God is the one to help you clean it up. You have to let go of that Tshirt though. Exchange it for a garment of praise. For the clothing of righteousness. When all is exposed, it can hurt. It’s raw and your tender. God desires honestly of us all.

Forgive those that forced you to wear it. They did so out of fear. Because scarlet letters are contagious, don’t you know? Not really, but often times we think that. How many times have we pulled away from someone going through a hard time because it challenged our own way of thinking? If it could happen to them, maybe it can happen to us? Or we were prideful and thought something like that would NEVER happen to us, to our family. We thought we would never do such a thing. And on and on.

The reality is, mistakes happen every day. Huge ones. People fail. We fail ourselves and we fail God. We do minor stupid things and we make major, life changing wrong decisions. Yes, it feels unfair. Maybe it is. We often experience loss in life due to other people’s decisions. We may even get blamed for it.

Then what? Do we carry around that burden for the rest of our lives? Or do we step up, walk in grace and extend it, no strings attached? The real question, then, becomes; do you believe you are who God said you are?

There is no more hiding. We must be honest. We have all fallen and come short of the glory of God. That is why we need a Savior. We cannot make it in this life alone. We cannot forgive ourselves much less anyone else without the grace of God. We cannot save ourselves or anyone else. We can’t stop the pain or heal our wounds.

Yes, we can come to a place of forgiving the unthinkable—even the shame others put on us—because it was never ours to wear. 

Forgiveness is Free

I forgave you, why can't you forgive me?
After everything you've done, you have the nerve?
You're upset about that?


We often don't realize what a skewed view of forgiveness we have. We choose to forgive and then stand there, jaw dropped, flabbergasted that we are not forgiven or treated the same, right? Why?

If forgiveness is freely given, NO strings attached...it should not matter if the forgiveness is reciprocated or not. But, but, but...

It's not like you can forgive someone %89 and then you automatically get a free pass worth %89...or that you forgive until you are even. Or that since you forgave something SO BIG that you deserve their forgiveness.

It doesn't work that way. Forgiveness does not entitle you to be forgiven. Because forgiveness is not about receiving--it's about giving. You give forgiveness.

Christ gave His forgiveness freely. Period. It stops there. Nothing more and nothing less. He did not give it to receive something in return. He did not give it so you would be obligated to follow Him. He gave it because He loves you and me. 

It's not for us to forgive and then wait to receive something in return--like forgiveness back. It's only to be given as a gift...and left there. Freely. We need to get it out of our minds that because we forgive we will automatically be forgiven in return. Only Christ does that. He does not promise that for people. He commands us to forgive, period. 

If we forgive and then get upset because someone is holding a grudge toward us, harboring bitterness or resentment and not extending the same grace toward us--then we are only proving we forgave to receive something--and it wasn't given freely with out the expectation of something in return. 

Forgive BECAUSE you have been forgiven by Christ. Don't forgive TO BE forgiven by others. ♥ ♥ ♥