Happy Valentines Day!

Here's my FAVORITE DAY again. It was low key this year. I made a Valentine lunch for my sweet hearts. I cut carrots and cucumbers into heart shapes, for a spinach base salad, topped with heart shaped pepperonis and cheese slices to go along with baked pasta also topped with heart shaped pepperonis & cheese slices. I baked a few heart shaped cookies and loaded the table with valentine candy and sweets.

We invited another friend and her kids (my kids BFFs) since her Mr. was out of the country on business, and one of the youth leaders. It turned out to be really hot, so the mid-day festivities included an impromptu water gun fight.

I wanted to do more but have been fighting a sore throat and cold for a few days now...so I had to be satisfied with what I had. I also gave each of the youngers a fresh new plush bear with a red ribbon bow. The youngest especially loved his 'baby'.

Last minute I put together a 'photo booth' for fun pix. I really liked how it turned out and I pulled it together in about 10 minutes.  That was probably my favorite part of the afternoon.

As far as favors...I let each guest take a succulent cutting and replant it into one of the assorted glass mugs and dishes I had, to take home.

It was a lovely afternoon...now I can focus on the upcoming OSCARS and Oscar Soiree!

Boundaries For Love = Self-Control

"This is not a good time to talk. I don't know what to think. I think you should leave. I am not in a good place right now. This is not a good time." My heart was racing, my hands trembling as I tried to concentrate on keeping my arms from appearing to flail wildly while I spoke.

The Mr. had shown up at the door unexpectedly yesterday, to do some damage control with our kids after we were all exposed to some hurtful information about him. He refused to leave...

Everything escalated after that, though I believe none of us truly wanted it to. I don't regret anything I said, because I spoke truth but I was too frustrated and wasted too many words that were not received and didn't want to be heard. Pearls to swine...

I am still figuring out the whole healthy boundaries and relational health 'thing'. It doesn't come naturally to me yet.

While I feel and one could say my husband didn't respect my boundary-the truth is, I didn't. It's always about self control. I could have (and should have) removed *myself* from the situation.

I also realized I have done the same thing my husband did many times...He has expressed in tense moments, that he didn't want to talk-and while there was some rejection and avoidance at play there, it never went well nor did it build trust to not respect the limit he was trying to convey.

Controlling ourselves with boundaries is not meant as punishment or emotional manipulation like the 'silent treatment'. It's meant to preserve our love and prevent damage to relationship.

My path to healing and relational health involves leading my children along this path with me. The Mr. ended up giving them permission and respecting their desire for 'space' (a healthy boundary) after yesterday's upset. The middles long for relationship with their dad but not at the cost of their own emotional health, well being and personal value system. They have decided they are OK talking on the phone to him when he calls but not hanging out with him.

When we create space, teach our children their worth which includes valuing their feelings, how to adequately manage them and use self control, they can then feel confident to recognize and stand up for their own boundaries/limits and learn to safely disengage from mistreatment.

We were able to convey that we all love, respect and forgive my husband and he is free to continue on this negative path along with the consequences of that choice, which includes a lack of intimate and close relationship with us, his family. He did not like that nor want it, he wants it *all* with out consequence...but surprisingly, so far, he accepted their decision. He also tried to reassure *them* of his love, though his actions convey only *self love*. We all accepted his choice as well.

We all, including the Mr, looked a bit battle worn today. The Mr was subdued and possibly remorseful and humbled as he came to get the kids. Only the 5yo went with him. I suspect this is affecting him, as in the past he would have approached arrogantly and upbeat, as if nothing had happened.

Sigh.

Keep pursuing healthy love and healing.

Nice vs Love

"Sometimes he acts like he loves you and sometimes he doesn't!" My daughter said, mirroring my own frustration with her father, my estranged husband.

A red flag went up, activating my mother's intuition and internal warning system. "In what ways does he act loving?" I asked, as questions began to riddle my brain. What impression had I been giving my 11yo daughter about love? What had I been teaching her? Was the behavior she had been witnessing between her father and I, an adequate and accurate description of love?

"Well, he comes and hangs out sometimes, he gives you a hug sometimes and he's nice sometimes..." her voice trailed off.

Is that all she will look for and expect of her own future husband? Is 'being nice sometimes' all it will take to convince her that she is loved? A vision bomb went off and the internal veil of neediness and codependency was lifted. Hopefully, it wasn't too late to be honest with her...and myself.

"Honey, that isn't love, that is just being nice. Lots of people may be nice to you, but that doesn't mean they love you. A mommy and daddy that love each other hold hands, they sit next to each other and snuggle while they watch movies-not on opposite sides of the room. Husbands don't get up and walk away every time their wife tries to sit next to them. And most of all, they don't live in separate homes. Yes, your daddy IS nice to me sometimes, but being nice doesn't equal love...it's just being nice."

I went on to share some of Corinthians definition of love with her.

We must be honest with ourselves here. If we claim God's standard for our lives, this includes being honest, whatever the painful cost. What a disservice we do to our children if we're lowering love to the definition of being nice.

Love is sacrificial. Nice is not. I can't in good conscious, allow my daughter to grow up believing, just because a guy remembers  and brings her a favored candy, that it means he LOVES her. Love is faithful. I can't continue to act grateful and praise God that my husband brings me a bag of peanut m&m's while he goes every night to share an apt with someone else. What a gross misrepresentation and abuse of God's love and the standard He set forth in His Word.

Being nice is a common and basic form of human decency. There is nothing special about that. It is the lowest and most base expectation one can have of other humans we share this planet with.

I am keeping my vows, sacrificially, and that is an example of divine love. How dare we equate a move of God with common behavior as 'being nice'. What a devilish deception to embrace such dysfunction and call it a name of God, such as LOVE!

I will praise God for being God. I will pray for strength to continue to really love my husband, as defined in His word. What I won't do and I believe, must repent from, is being dishonest and calling or representing such deplorable behavior, as 'love'. Lying and telling myself, "My husband loves me, see, because he was *nice* to me today." No, that is untruth. All my husband was really doing, was being nice.

Being nice is selfish and has it’s own agenda. Love...divine love, which can only occur if the Spirit of God dwells within you, is selfless and seeks to gain nothing in return. Nothing. Love does not abuse others...or one's self. Let's embrace God's truth...and emotional health...and pray from that place of power...not from our dysfunctional weakness. ‪

February was Sweet!

Early in the month I saw this picture and kept going back to it. So much, that I made it my cover pic on Facebook. I'm not exactly sure why, except I hold so many wonderful memories of Disneyland in my heart...combined with the declaration it seemed to be  making--it felt almost prophetic to me. A couple weeks later my husband informed me that he had finagled a way to take the younger set (3/4) of our kids with him to Disneyland. I was almost jealous! I prayed about it and left it in the Lord's hands. It turns out he was able to finagle us all entry into the park, compliments of a generous friend, who works there.

It was an extremely crowded day but I didn't even realize it. I was shocked when I learned just how crowded it really was. A friend told me, the main parking structure and entrance to the Downtown Disney lots were blocked because they were so full. Patrons were being directed to a remote lot, that required taking a complimentary shuttle back to the park! (we arrived before the lots were full) My kids were so great though. They were patient and appreciative, didn't complain at all. It really showed me how much my patience and tolerance levels have really grown too because I didn't even feel irritated by the crowds. .

We were able to go to California Adventure too. It's been a few years since we've paid 'The Big D' a visit and so much has changed. We saw the Aladdin show, one of our favorites. Kurtis fell asleep right as it started though! There wasn't much time to see or do anything else before we headed back to catch the fireworks. They ended up being cancelled due to wind and weather conditions but we still got to catch Fantasmic and ride Indiana Jones before we left.

I was a bit nervous about the day. I'll be honest, being a 'wife-in-limbo' is very taxing, mentally, spiritually and especially emotionally. I try to stay true to who I am, in all matters... It was a nice treat for the ktbunch and I was happy to be a part of this day and watch them enjoy themselves. Kurtis was even chosen to participate in the Jedi Training Academy show and he loved it. I think the kids and I had a great time and it was a blessing over all. Life can be bittersweet. I choose to intentionally stay focused on the sweet. 

Vows are for failures

...in sickness & in health, in good times & bad, for better and for worse, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part? Well, those were the vows I took and I meant them. I've surrounded myself with others who've supported and challenged me to keep those vows-not those who would disrespect me by disrespecting my word, my promise that I gave...I respect my vows, my self and my marriage. I wasn't joking, I didn't take it lightly. 

I was asked, invited, to be my husband's wife-I made a choice and freely and willingly agreed...and in doing so, I gave my commitment and stand by it and for it. I haven't remained married for over 20 years by taking my word lightly!!

Love, commitment, marriage, family and vows--aren't about being perfect. Exactly opposite. It's about loving in spite of disappointment. Keeping your word is about being someone your family can trust and depend on in the really hard, deep dark, moments. It's about grace for others and for yourself when you know you've failed big time and made a mess of things. It's about asking for help and being willing to give it. It's about faith in something bigger than just yourself or your own point of view. It's about starting right where you are--to be the person you vowed to be--to and for others.

It's about second and third and fourth chances. It's about forgiving, freely. About making a choice to do better, be better, to not give up-even if you 'feel' like it. Believing in love that is real because you choose to love not only because you think you feel it or not. I also vowed to love, cherish, respect, honor and forsake all others. That was the first part of the vow I made. The first part, is independent of the second part. I did not make a vow of fidelity and commitment based only on whether I was cherished, protected or loved...I made a vow of commitment, independently of the way I was treated. Independent of anyone else's behavior. I made a vow that I desired (and still desire) to keep.

I can tell you---with 20 years behind me--LOVE IS what you MAKE, not what you FALL for!

Let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up. Galations 6:9

None of us will ever perfectly maintain the first part of our vows, which is why I believe the second part of the vow was created and necessary. If we're honest, we will fail miserably at times. It's not only in good times, but a vow for bad times, poor times, a vow for the worst times. Maybe that is really it: vows are for failures...just like grace. I thought I made a vow in confidence that I could maintain the first part...never expecting my own failures would be why my vow included the second part.

We need vows because we will fail.

So come, let's make a covenant, you and I, and it will be a witness to our commitment. Genesis 31:44

A witness to our commitment.

Remember your covenant promises, for the land is full of darkness and violence! Psalm 74:20

Care Bear Movie

This was a prompt from a school assignment this past semester: not a recent event.

*     *     *

“Katy.”

“HI!” I smiled in surprise.

“Do you remember me?”

Jason Flores. My elementary school boyfriend. He looked exactly the same, bony and skinny, drawn face.

“Yes! Of course. Jason Flores.” I emphasized his name to prove I remembered.

“Well, give me a hug.”

I stood up from the cheap plastic chair, slightly embarrassed. I had been waiting for our pizza order to finish. My family was visiting friends and the wife and I were making a quick dinner run. Why did I choose not to wear make-up today?

“You look exactly the same.”

I blushed at his compliment, knowing seventeen years were impossible not to notice. I hadn’t seen him since I switched schools for eighth grade.

*          *          *

I blushed when I turned around and realized it was Jason who had whistled at me. Whistled, while riding his bike past my lane. He was the sweetest boy I knew but he was on the fringes of our social circle. He often wore a baseball hat over his dirty blond hair and had light skin, though his dad was Hispanic. I don’t remember the color of his eyes. I knew that he madly adored me.

          

I was finally old enough to ride my bike home from school. A blue beach cruiser. We took the same route home because we lived in the same gated complex. Back then ‘gated complex’ didn’t have the positive connotation it does now. It was simply known as “The Manor.” He lived somewhere near the front of the complex and I lived closer to the back.

He offered to ride me home on the handle bars of my bike. It sounds romantic but since we were both at the age where all the boys were skinny and short and the girls tall and getting curves, it was only awkward. I was afraid he’d realize how heavy I was and not be able to support me on the bike. I stayed on the handle bars for only a minute before I pretended I was freaked out and made myself fall off. That’s all I remember from that walk home.

Another time, for my birthday, he came to my house unexpectedly to give me a gift. It was a thick metal bracelet that looked like gold. I think he bought it from Thrifty’s. It had my name in cursive letters across it. Spelled wrong, of course. My name can never be found spelled correctly on personalized items.

After he whistled, he rode up to me and some sort of chit-chat ensued.  “Hey, maybe we can go see that Care-Bear movie sometime.”

“Sure.” Feeling too uncomfortable to continue making eye contact, I looked down at the concrete sidewalk and didn’t say anything else. I didn’t want to see a dumb Care-Bear cartoon!

*          *          *

“Well, our pizza’s done...It was nice seeing you,” I said.

“Yah, you too.”
I had forgotten to introduce my friend. “Oh, Glenda, I’m so sorry. That was an old boyfriend I had when I was in elementary school.” I told her as we got back into her car.
She smiled and laughed. “Wow, he didn’t stop smiling the entire time he was talking to you.” 

 Neither did I. 

CRASHing down the walls

God recently brought to my memory an incident that happen over 15 years ago. My oldest was probably around 2 years old (he's 19.5 now)--though he was not with me and the incident did not involve him.

I was in community college and would ride my bike to and from school. The Mr. and I had been married a couple years and he worked @ Pep Boys back then. I was riding my bike, as I always did, wearing my floral print rayon skirt-shorts that were popular in the 90's. A professor was in his car in the driveway to the staff parking lot, on his way out.

Next  thing I know, I am under his car. I am getting hit by a car. This car is going to run over my legs. What is this going to feel like? Am I going to die? His front passenger tire pins my left thigh to the steel frame of my bike, mangled between my legs, as I lie on the black asphalt. My butt is showing!  I have no memory of it, but somehow I jump up quickly so I am not 'exposed'.

I am sitting on the curb of the street. My right hand has a cut on the back of it, between my thumb and forefinger, where the handle of the hand break broke as I gripped it. From the impact, I assume. Unusual for me, I am sobbing uncontrollably. I take slow deep breathes in an attempt to control my emotions but I can't stop crying. I have no other noticeable injuries.

"Are you ok?" A male student asks. The professor approaches, he is shaken up and looks worried.

"I," deep breath, "am ok." Another deep breath. "I don't know why," deep breathe, "I am crying." Deep breath. "I can't stop crying."

"Is there someone we can call?" the professor asks.
Deep breath, "Call my husband." Deep breath.
I guess I communicated that he was working at Pep Boys and someone calls him.
An ambulance arrives. I still haven't stopped crying. An EMT asks if I want to go to the hospital. I don't have insurance or money for this. I continue to insist I am fine. He wraps my hand with a bandage and tape. Am I going to get billed for this? I am too embarrassed to ask aloud.

A police officer questions me. "Which direction were you going?" "Were you riding in the street?"

"Well, not until I realized he was going to hit me," I remember answering. I get the feeling this is my fault...or that the officer thinks so.

My husband arrives. I am sure he must've asked if I was ok, my memory gets fuzzy here too. Turns out the Mr. knows this professor from a class he had with him before. I remember standing there and watching the Mr and the professor laugh and joke about the incident and feeling very disconnected. The Mr. puts my bike in the trunk of our Buick Regal--it fits now that it is bent beyond repair, the front tire rim in a nearly 90 degree angle.

What God showed me in this memory was MY own wall of independence. I did not allow myself to be vulnerable. I felt I had to be ok. I insisted I was fine. I believed I had to take care of myself--I didn't *need* anyone. It would make a fun story later--it was no big deal, right? If I wasn't 'ok', it meant I was weak. I couldn't be weak.

As I remember this incident--God also shows me the deep, true need I had in that moment. The crying--a normal response for a traumatic, adrenaline rushing experience. I was NOT 'ok'. My 130 lb body had just been hit by a car that had to have weighed at least a few *thousand* pounds. Yes, I could have been killed. Things were NOT 'fine'. It is miraculous that I walked away. Period. And with only the cut on my hand and eventually, an excessively large bruise on the inside of my left leg. What I needed was a protector. What I needed, was to be told I was NOT ok. I needed someone... I needed the Mr. to give me a giant bear hug and allow me to crumble into a puddle into his arms--comfort. (it's possible this happened but it's not what I remember)

My own defensive wall pushed away, in an attempt to cover up, the very thing I really needed. The past is past. God, however, knows our needs. He knew them back then and He knows them now. He is the one who fulfills those needs. He's created needs within us to drive us to Him for fulfillment, satisfaction, to make us whole. Of course, most often we hold back out of fear...of rejection, of not getting our needs met. Christ never rejects.

Thinking I needed to be strong and take care of myself is exactly opposite of how God created me, created us. There is grace and redemption in that: But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2Cor 12:9 

By being vulnerable, admitting we have needs, we allow God to work through Himself and sometimes others to fulfill that need. If we push others away in an attempt to 'be strong'--we close ourselves off to love...and off to others. A lose-lose situation. And if we are closed off to receiving love, it is safe to assume we are closed off to giving love as well. This memory gave me so much more insight to all the moments after this one--in my life-long pursuit, desire and fight to love and be loved.

I thought I was a fearless lover of people--but this incident clearly reveals I was not. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1John 4:18


No more fear.


My love-story is not over...and neither is yours.

Last writing class

I forgot to take a pic today of the set up that is happening on campus, the giant tent for graduation & the stage etc. This picture is from the other day...the frame now has the canopy over it.

WoW! I am just SO excited.

For today's "final" we had a pot luck. Everyone was so at ease & friendly. Too bad it's now at the LAST class...kwim?  But one girl/classmate actually requested to keep in touch w/ me--that made me feel good.

We all shared what our *message* is in our 'writing' or the message we want to convey. I've been thinking about it for a few months now since it was first brought up.

I realize my "message", that I want to convey in my writing, is the same as what drives me in LIFE. It's LOVE. Not the romance novel type of love but the real love that endures birth defects, disappointments, hardship & every day real live.  The real love that lives next door, in your neighbor that is from a foreign country and is striving for their idea of the American Dream. The real love that lives in the man across the street and makes homemade juice for his wife who has finally finished her last cancer treatment. The real love in the husband that hates gardening but will go out on a hot, sunny day and mow the lawn for his wife. The real love in the wife that will slice real lemons and strawberries and add them to the tap water with ice and deliver it to her husband with a smile, as he sweats over the lawn mower. The real love in the mother that's cleaning vomit splatter from the hallway at 3 am in the morning, after her 10 yo wakes up in the middle of the night with stomach cramps. The real love that strips the bed for the third time that week to wash sheets of preschool pee. The real love that would take on the task of being a young mother, with an uncertain future, to give birth to the son of God.

THAT is what I want to convey in my writing and in my life.

Besides that though...it was a sentimental moment at the end of class--just a few of us--& it was such a neat feeling to know that someone actually GETS what you are trying to convey & understands. One classmate, we shared the short story fiction and NON-fiction creative writing class together & he is also graduating--in that class I wrote a piece about depression--he understood, combined w/ my fictional writing style AND my non-fiction--exactly what I meant about "Love".

I think he could relate to the idea of 'unconditional love' & over coming hardship because his family has hit severe financial difficulty & moved to Las Vegas & he has to leave school to go work & help them survive basically. THAT is the message of LOVE I want to convey--& the voices I want to be heard.

aaahhhhh....

it's bitter sweet to see it end!
I totally want to keep in touch w/ the ones that want to...& maybe we can have a writers group this summer or something. ;-)

And it's a pretty good feeling to know and realize that.

Rejection leads to Love

At the beginning of the  year, instead of a to-do list I made a NOT-to-do list. One of the most significant items on this list was to *not* with hold love. I thought I was pretty good at this already. We all like to think we are generous, loving people. Right?

Then things began to change. I can't say exactly when it was. My heart began to feel rejected and abandoned. This led to a survival mentality, wanting to avoid that pain of rejection, I withheld my love. I didn't even realize it. I wanted to reach out in love, but at the same time, the FEAR of being rejected over ruled my heart. It makes complete logical sense. Even children know not to play with fire once they've felt the burning sting of a flame.

The rejection went beyond a simple feeling to a fact. I was and AM rejected....along with abandoned. I thought I was past my 'abandonment' issues. Such a cliche' right? As the rejection became more real and solid in my life, my mind went right back to the times I had been abandoned. Moments I thought I had dealt with and moved past. The pain from those memories over rode any love I had been given along the way. Over road any acceptance. I was surprised that my mind went back to those places because I thought I was 'over' it, healed.

I thought I had hit rock bottom in my pit of rejection. Then there was another instance. I recognized clearly that I was making a conscious choice to with hold love in moments I felt God telling me to act out on that love & I didn't. No way. I was NOT going to put myself out there, for FEAR of rejection.

The fear was still alive and well, brewing in my heart and deep within my soul.
Then something happened. I was brought to a place of complete and hopeless despair. The rejection broke through to my soul. It tore it apart. My soul and my heart, shattered into a million tiny pieces. My hope was destroyed. For the first time in my life, I actually felt and admitted I was completely devastated. I had never used that term in my life before. I was determined NOT to be broken. Sure, I might be cracked, scarred and hurt, but definitely not broken.

Until now.

I said it aloud. I admitted it. Devastation. Brokenness. Rejected to my core. The sobs wrenched my gut so deep--I thought I would vomit my soul. I couldn't imagine a human body being capable of producing any more tears than I sobbed that night. I couldn't deny my sorrow anymore.

I was spent.

I had nothing to hold on to.
Like a zombie, I was the living dead.
I fell asleep and didn't dream.

I awoke the next morning, remembering all that had transpired. I was numb. Robotically I got up, got dressed, put on my make-up and drove to church. I would pray and worship out of obedience but nothing more. I took my broken pieces, my broken heart and gave it all away. I was empty and finally, truly, had nothing to offer but the shell of myself.

There was something different. I wasn't sure what it was exactly until I faced the source of my rejection and realized I felt nothing...but love.

No anger. No malice or even pain. Only love. Love with out fear.

I knew that I couldn't BE any more rejected. There was no more reason to hold back. The fear was exhausted.

The fear had been holding a space in my heart, crowding out the true unconditional love.
That space was empty and there was more room for love. More room for forgiveness. More room for peace. More room to understand Christ's motives. He knew he was going to be rejected. That rejection killed him.

I thought it killed me too. I certainly felt dead.
Then I woke up. Christ woke up.

And loved.
I love.

If I wrote Romeo and Juliet...

I love Romeo and Juliet, by William Shakespeare. I especially love the Baz Lurhman movie version that featured Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes. Swoon! Greatest love story ever told, of course. That version is one of my most favorite films of all time. (My absolute fave is Wizard of Oz, of course!)

However, I'm not a fan of traditional romantic movies and I love a good ending--which Romeo and Juliet really isn't, well it's a good ending but certainly not a happy one. I prefer happy endings but not in the cheesy chik-flik way. Don't give me that cheap sap!

I want to see real issues or struggles that people have a hard time with BUT over come them together. I don't want fairy tales where a prince suddenly rides in and the princess is saved just in time. PPpuuuhhlllleeeeze! Save that for the five year olds--or better yet SPARE the five year old.

I believe in true and honest love. I believe people can feel meant for each other or they can learn to realize how meant for each other they are.

But truly, I think the secret is knowing one another. I've been hearing lately, from various sources, that a married couple really doesn't get to know each other until well into their 20 and 30 years of marriage. WHAT! Well I'm fairly certain that 1) most might not make it that far and 2) WHO wants to wait that long to get to know someone? haha. If you think about it though...it makes perfect sense! If you view the years of marriage as a life cycle...a 5 year old marriage is barely starting kindergarten. A 15 year marriage is a teen....20 years isn't very much when you realize the marriage is *barely* an adult!

I also base my idea of love from the Bible. It's not a feeling that flutters back and forth in the wind like a fallen leaf. It is a strong action, a word that DOES such as: it waits patiently, it covers a multitudes of wrongs, it endures, it always hopes and it doesn't fail....to name a few.

See, if I had my way....everything could be the same up until the time Romeo and Juliet are in the tomb, and Romeo has found Juliet's supposedly dead body. He's there, he's sobbing. BUT because he TRULY loves her, he just can't believe she is dead. (which the audience all know she is not) He cant believe it.

He does not lose hope. He's there, maybe sobbing his heart out but he grabs her by the shoulders and he hugs her close. He tells her he just KNOWS it can't be true....because he is hoping so hard it isn't. He KNOWS she would not kill herself. Even though he sees (mistakenly) w/ his eyes that she is dead. He knows & believes with all his heart and every cell of his being that it can't be true.

His body is wracking, nearly vomiting in earnest with disbelief. Then...there is a twitch. Did he feel that? Did he imagine it? His cries are quickly stifled as he listens intensely. There it is again! He stares deep into her face looking for a sign. He turns his head and holds his ear to her mouth for signs of air. He feels a slight tickle of breath. Again he is surprised. Could it be? He bends his head to her chest to listen for a heart beat...it's faint, almost unnoticeable but he is sure he hears it.

Slowly, her heart beats stronger, her eyes flutter open and she gasps strongly for breathe. She sees her Romeo and they embrace sweetly, as he showers her face with kisses.

Blah, blah, blah,then their parents walk in, are over come with shock to see Juliet alive. They realize what a miracle it is to have their daughter alive and no longer care about a petty family feud. Romeo and Juliet's love bring their two families together and they look forward to little grand kids.

The point is, Romeo never gives up hope because he KNOWS Juliet. He knows that underneath what he sees (her dead body) it just can't be true. His truth is that she also loves him, he knows this and he holds firm to that foundation. (yeah, I know they barely know each other but work with me here, okay?)

To me, love and ultimately marriage, is not something you walk away from, no matter what. You hold firm and you fight for it. If you are at a stand still--you stay up all night, or however long it takes until you reach a solution that will WORK. If there is a problem, you don't hide it, you seek help and answers from others with more wisdom and knowledge who have been there. You keep searching until you find that help.

Marriage is not for the weak and cowardly, that is for sure. It changes you...from the inside out. You realize that life isn't and really never was all about you. For the rest of your life (if you do it right) you now have another to answer for. Your actions no longer affect you alone. And in this crazy life, you have the opportunity to grow beyond immediate infatuation and physical attraction. You have this once in a lifetime opportunity to really, truly get to know someone and allow someone to get to know you and love each other anyway.

Because love was never about you to begin with. Love is not self-seeking.

I think people tend to mistake marriage and their spouse as 'optional' because they aren't related by DNA. You chose to be with someone and you can choose to be with out them. Well, sure you can...but it is not meant that way. It's meant to be like family. You know you've had those moments with siblings, maybe you were so irritated and upset with your sibling BUT in the end, you both KNEW that you "loved" each other. Whatever the issue was, when mom said "Go work it out." you did--there was no other choice. They weren't going to STOP being your brother or sister. And as far as siblings go, usually, you didn't have to have long drawn out conversations and discussions about WHY you were mad at each other and how you felt so unloved. Usually, it was left unsaid and you knew if you wanted a playmate the next morning you better be nice and ask them to join you in the backyard for a game of tag.

Sure, as adults we want to "use our words". Go ahead. Use them to edify, encourage and build up. Use them to seek solution not retribution. Be a peacemaker. BE married.

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When your marriage is faltering and you don't know what to do...

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There are times in life and especially marriage, when you feel at a loss. The situation may feel hopeless and your heart is unsettled and heavy. It happens.

When I have been in really challenging marital (and non-marital) situations & feel torn over WHAT exactly I should do...the first thing I do is STAY QUIET. Ok--maybe it's not always the *first* thing...but I'm learning.

Seriously though, I take it straight to God. I DO believe God will give you the answer...for some it may be an ultimatum. If you believe your spouse or the person involved would/will respond to that--then by all means, play that card. BUT YOU have to be absolutely sure YOU will follow-through on that *ultimatum*.

If you do not feel led or up to following through with that....there is NO SHAME in that choice either. Only you know your own limits here.

However, there is also a STRONG defense you have, & that is PRAYER. Situations always look hopeless to the naked eye. Here on Earth solutions are often hard to come by. BUT in the spiritual realm...there is more power. God is faithful to hear your petitions & answer your prayers.
 
There is a prayer guide for wives to pray for husbands & children. I *strongly* suggest you start that now, if you haven't already.

When things take a turn toward the extremely serious, especially in marriage, MOST of all I would pray DILIGENTLY for the person's TRUE salvation. That covers the root of it all, wouldn't it? I'd also include conviction in there. Beseech God for ALL that you want your marriage to be: passionate, peaceful, faithful--whatever it is you desire in your heart. 

ALSO, I would inquire to God about WHAT He wants YOU to learn from this. What is He teaching YOU through this situation? For me, in my life, the challenge has been to truly & deeply look @ God's/Christ definition of LOVE. How can *I* LOVE my husband better? HOW can I show him CHRIST'S UNCONDITIONAL love. (I have realized I am *very* conditional)

I had to face my own fears that certain unbecoming behaviors stirred up within me & take them to God. If my husband was not there for me the way I desired--I KNEW God was. If a husband disappoints--God never does. If a husband abandons--God never will.

I am  not just telling you what to do--I am speaking from my own experience. I know what it is to feel unloved, to feel neglected and abandoned. I understand the despair of a broken heart when life takes unexpected turns and one is completely blind sided. I have been there....and taken my own advice.
And I have lived to tell about it...

YOU dear wife, are a cherished & beloved daughter of the King. He does not take lightly to his daughters being mistreated...HE will have your back. HE will exact judgement if needed. You need not.
 
You have more influence as a wife than an ex-wife. YOU protect your children. They need not be aware of marital issues. Pray diligently for protection of their childhood. Speak to them the words of God that define who they are: men of integrity, protectors of women & children, providers for the needy, daughters of the King, all beautiful within etc.

Also, for your own heart, DIG DEEP into God's word about your own identity. DEEP sister. Walk in your royal birthright. Not to be lorded over others, but walk in righteousness & dignity, be above reproach. Walk confidently & securely in the knowledge that God LOVES you & is near to you. You have access to all he has for you...give freely the fruits of the spirit. Walk in peace & AUTHORITY that you have been chosen to be the wife to your husband & mother to your children. NO ONE can pray for your family like YOU are called to.

I love Jer 29:11....but I *especially* love the verses after...yes, God has a plan for you, not to hurt you or harm you, to give you a future & a hope....BUT WHY? SO that you will CALL OUT TO HIM & KNOW that HE is GOD!


Jer 29:12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

Jer 29:13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

For practicality purposes....I would try to speak your husbands love language...whatever that may be. Invite him to run errands w/ you , to watch a movie w/ you, sit by him on the couch...if that is beyond what you feel you are able...ask God to help you love your husband beyond what you are able. Ask God to GIVE you that love for him. He is a broken man, filled w/ mistaken identity, forgetting his true purpose & life God intended for him: (as we all have been) to be a man of high honor & dignity. Remind him....

When you are feeling extra down & discouraged....THINK, as hard as you have to, of ALL the good aspects of your husband. Is he affectionate toward your children? Does he work hard to pay the rent? Is he generous? Whatever it is, make a list, let it grow, indefinitely & refer to it OFTEN!

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Fearless Love

Love often feels scary. You give your heart away and you're unsure how it's going to be treated, or if it will even be received. That's how most of us view romantic love anyway, right?

What about agape love? The love of friendship? Maybe it feels less risky but there can still be fear associated with it sometimes. Fear of being taken advantage of or what you give not being reciprocated, right?

Both of these are fairly the same except you are more deeply invested when it's romantic love we are talking about.

The biggest fear is of being disappointed and getting our heart broken, right? But....what if we loved with out fear? I mean truly, deeply, passionately loved as if heart break was never a risk. What would or could change? What would happen?

When Christ came--he already knew his heart would be broken. The brokenness of mankind was so great, our depravity over whelming. Enough, that a mere 30 pieces of silver could convince us to betray a man to death. He was overwhelmed with compassion that he knew could never be matched. He knew his heart would be broken--and yet he still loved. He expected the brokenness.

Mary--birthing the son of God...when she saw her son upon that cross--do you think she wished that she would have held back her love? Do you think her heart would have hurt any less if she had?

Maybe the expectation is the key? Maybe if we can accept that our hearts WILL be broken, we can let go of the fear...and then love so fully that it over rides the idea of broken-heartedness. Maybe not but what if....

If we weren't afraid of being taken for granted, being taken advantage of, being left behind or rejected....ever. How would the love we give, change?

Would we stop withholding? If we give our love as a gift, to be taken freely to be spent as the recipient chooses--can we even be taken for granted? Is it possible? I don't think so. But when we stop loving...it guarantees a negative response.

If we continuously gave, if we forgive 70 x7 times, if we over-looked offenses, stopped keeping a record of wrongs, if we were continuously patient, didn't get angry, always protected, always persevered, always trusted...if we never gave up hope...

What is the worst that could happen? A heart gets broken? Your heart, my heart?

Or maybe, just maybe, it's true what is written...Love, really never fails.

Maybe the lesson of the cross was just that...let go of that big fear...do we forget that after Christ's heart broke, after he died...he didn't stay dead. He resurrected--and our lives truly began.

Maybe that is the true key to long lasting, broken-heart-proof love--giving it away passionately, freely, abundantly and with out all reserve.

Let's try it and see what happens...

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