Like Old Times

It could have almost felt like old times if not for that last moment the Mr. walked around the table giving each individual kid a kiss and hug with an 'I Love You,' before he left to return to work...stopping short to offer a 'see you later' in MY direction. 

He specifically asked what our plans were for S's birthday yesterday...and asked if we could meet him for lunch so he could see Sam on is birthday since he might have to work late, missing his 'visitation' (gosh how I despise that word!). He forgot Sam's birthday card so he also asked me to take them all by his work so he could give it to him. I stayed in the car but I knew he would walk the kids back out anyway, to say goodbye.

I maintained my SELF. As it's sometimes confusing to know just how to behave in these unknown situations, isn't it? So I smiled and listened to him talk about his morning at work...I keep the appropriate guard over my own heart until it's time to 'awaken love' per God's instructions in Song of Solomon. 

'...and they all enjoyed their lunch, as if they were an ordinary, happy family, on an ordinary, summer day...as their smiles hid the invisible ache of their hearts.'

Happy Birthday

He was our 1st restoration baby, though I didn't know he would be the 'first'. I was so unsure of trusting my husband again...our oldest was 7.5 by the time this second son was born...I can STILL remember being in our new home, back together and feeling so self-conscious...

"Come sit by me," he called from the living room. I felt like I should finish the dishes first to keep every thing clean the way he liked, trying to impress...

He wanted me to spend time with him, sit with him...I walked over and he pulled me down on his lap. I always loved sitting on his lap.

He wanted us to grow our family. Maybe we were finally ready. I expected it would happen so quickly like our first. It took 10 disappointing months. We didn't find out the gender. Oldest son prayed for and was sure it would be a boy.

We changed his name at the last minute...as I read about Hannah, from the Bible. The Mr wanted to use his grandfather's name, as our child's middle name. I did not like the name Angel but I said ok if he would let me have the name Samuel. We agreed. 

We started attending a new church. We were moving forward and every day we were further away from the past. I met another mom in the church cry room with a daughter the same age as our Samuel...she was a single mother... her daughter's father, which was now her past, was a married man.

There we were. The place where broken people go to be restored, healed, and transformed. Bringing our broken pieces, broken lives, broken hearts, along with the hope we carried in and birthed from our womb.

Here we are. He's 14 today. My heart is filled with the bittersweet sighs of yesterday and the longing for the uncertain hope for tomorrow.

Happy Birthday to Me

It was the day after the investigative interview. I was still reeling and felt pretty confused and depressed. Before I was even out of bed my daughter greeted me with a large gift bag containing a gift her dad, my estranged husband, had taken them to get for me. I immediately burst into tears.

Once again, I was only left with the same plaguing thought, How did we get here?

In less than 24 hours my husband had chosen to disown both our oldest son and myself on social media.

Any birthday plans I imagined I'd have, all went up in the air when the middles got a last minute call for an audition in Santa Monica. That was going to take a significant portion of our day just for the drive back. Oh well.

We had rehearsal that night and arrived late to a surprise shout of HAPPY BIRTHDAY from my cast mates. That filled my heart with warmth.

I fought not to get down. It's just a day, in the big scheme of things. Tears dry up quickly.

As I left to get oldest from work, a friend showed up at the same time bearing gifts! What a fabulous surprise. I was literally on my way out the door and there she was ready to knock. This isn't a friend I see very much, if at all, anymore but here she was. How special to know that God had laid it on her heart to remember me and bless me like this. We talked way too long, or I did at least, and she was kind enough to listen and understand.

Later, I sat on my couch, everyone finally in bed, reviewing the day when a message popped up on my social media account. Another friend wrote to tell me they left a gift on my porch for me. What!?! It was almost midnight too. How exciting is that? I jumped up, threw the door open to find a pot of fresh Easter Lillies, and a gift bag of goodness. This was another friend I don't see very often either. Again, God put me on her mind to bless.

Happy tears this time. Grateful tears. Tears of gratitude and love. My day had come full circle, starting and ending with tears, accompanied by opposing emotions.

In a dark time and space, God remembers us. He shows us His love for us. He created us in our mother's womb, hand crafted...how could He ever forget our birthday?

Ever get that feeling...

like everything is moving, suddenly, but you aren't sure exactly what direction it's all going in...but it feels exciting. You embrace the change, full of anticipation for whatever the future holds.

Then.It.Just.Stops!

You're back to wondering what is going on? It feels like you're in a freeze frame of slow motion except everything around you, maybe, is still moving at a lightning speed? Maybe I'm in Dorothy's house, while the tornado of the world is outside my window, spinning madly around me. Yah. Maybe that is what is happening.

I am not sure where I am going to land. Or, at this point, if I ever will.

Maybe it's because I recently had my birthday. (which was fabulous, by the way) Or maybe not. Maybe it's because birthdays force us to think of our births...and the woman responsible for my birth is not here. The woman I originated from, of whom I am practically a twin of--no longer exists on this earth.

In a few days, it will be Mother's Day. Another reminder of who I thought I was, a mother, but realize, is only one aspect of who I am. Also a reminder of what I am missing. Mother's Day is the most crowded day at the cemetery. I try to avoid going, if possible. I couldn't be a mother if it weren't for my kids. I am blessed to have them. I wouldn't be a mother if it weren't for my husband either. For whatever that is worth--even if only to me.

On the other side of my birth...is the paternity of it all. A sudden surprise, bigger than the party they threw me?...a man I can remember meeting when I was nineteen...or maybe twenty. I know I was already married, though my husband was not there when we met. I don't remember where he was, but I wish he would have been there. I really wish he had been there. Oldest was a newborn.

I met him but I don't remember saying much, if anything. He and my mother spoke to each other, while I stood there awkwardly, silent, like a little girl trapped in my grown body. They spoke of me, of my existence, of my coming into being, into their lives, though I was standing right next to them...once again invisible.

I couldn't really tell you what he looked like. I knew he was fair skinned, like me. Eyes. Where my blue eyes came from? He held my son, for a dance. That was it. I never expected or imagined anything beyond that.

But here we are. Surprise! I'm not the little girl I was when he first met or left me. I am not nineteen or twenty...the age of my mom, when he left her? The age he was when I was born?

I just turned forty. I've had a dad all my life. In my life. I am his daughter.

But he wants to call me his daughter, when we meet...again. Again, my husband isn't here. That's strange isn't it? I wonder why this is, that he isn't here for this. I really wish he was here, this time.

I know what he looks like now. In this cyber-age of technology, I can click on his picture whenever I want. It doesn't tell me much though. Not really. I'm not even sure of what I want to know. Can you really express forty years of a life-time in an email? Is it even worth the effort at this point?

I want to believe it's worth everything. Maybe if we just start now. Working forward and not backward. I do not know. I don't have any great answers. I don't even have great questions anymore.

I think the house I'm in, that was spinning through the air, just landed.
I think, maybe, the journey home, starts now.

Happy Birthday Baby!

This little fella is 4 years old today. I still cant believe what a HUGE blessing he has been to my
life...especially during this past year of...challenge.

I just had a knowing, a sense. I woke up early and took a pregnancy test. I cried and prayed for an hour straight, alone, before I told anyone. The Mr. was in the shower when I burst into the restroom and threw back the shower curtain.

"Are you in it for the long haul?"
"What?"
"I mean it. I will not put our kids through this ever again. If you aren't in it for the long haul you tell me. You tell me right now! You make your choice and you leave now or you stay."
"What  are you talking about?" he asked with the tooth brush hanging out of his foamy mouth.
I burst into tears, "I'm pregnant!"
The Mr. broke into the largest smile and laughed, "You're crazy. I love you!" He gave me a wet hug.

I wasn't sure but I couldn't get his spontaneous and reassuring smile out of my mind. I was worried. I was afraid. The Mr. and I were still on shaky ground, being back together for less than a year. The timing couldn't have been worse or better.

Our children sealed the deal when we broke the news to them. They were thrilled, literally jumping and dancing with excitement and joy. All our friends received the news as something to celebrate, finally.

I prayed over this child, in my womb, consistently. His existence was such a gift and a blessing. A testament to God's redemptive grace in our lives. Everyone who ever saw and met him, even as a newborn, commented about him.


We once met a woman in Target who must've talked to us for at least 20-30 minutes about how wonderful having a child is. "When I looked over and saw my son, no matter what was happening, I knew everything was going to be ok," she said. How could I have known how prophetic those words would be?

Oldest was on his way back from out of town the day Kurtis was born and this year he's out of the country. Yes, it's strange to have a 20 year old and a 4 year old, at the same time.

One time Kurtis was literally jumping off the walls...he was bouncing on the couch, to the floor, off the back of the couch, repeat, repeat, repeat.

"Mom! WHAT did you pray over this kid?" Oldest asked.
"Well, there was this book, about joy..." I replied.
"THAT explains it!" he said.

It's true. He was just sort of born with an ON button...and no off button. He's not even still when he sleeps. I am so grateful we have a trampoline! This past year has been really, really hard...but what that woman at Target said has been true. I look at this little boy, his bright eyes, his constant smile, his sass and spunk...and I just know in my heart that everything is going to be ok.

He has been such a balm to my hurting soul. I love each of my children dearly. I grieve for what grieves them and the personal pain they are enduring. It's a comfort though, to have a little one that was spared at least a little of the knowing or understanding of this grief, because of his age.

I am excited to watch what else the future holds for this little fella.

On the Eve of 20 Years

I've told and retold the story of my oldest's 6 week premature birth countless times. This time I'd like to share some words that were recorded before his birth....I have a tiny book that I journaled a few entries here and there, through the years. I started it before he was born...words that are now over twenty years old....

-----
11:30pm Tuesday Aug. 25, 1992
I saw you for the first time on Tues. Aug 18. A man from church gave me an ultra sound. I saw your little heart beating and I saw you move a little. I was so excited...

Then two days later I went to my new doctor and he let me hear your heart beat. That was on Aug 20-Thurs. He said we both seemed pretty healthy. That was when you were 9 weeks old. (gestation)

Your father has only seen the two pictures of you. He hasn't seen you move or heard your heart beat. He is very proud of you and me. Very excited too. He can hardly wait to meet you...

I must be under a lot of stress. Yesterday morning I was bleeding. I was (and still am) very scared. My parents took me to the doctor... He tried to check your heart beat but we couldn't hear it...I was so scared. I wanted to cry. I just kept praying. So then the doctor did an ultra sound. We saw you. You seemed content. You were just jumping and moving all around. The doctor said you were an "active little sucker."...It is a 'threatened miscarriage'. My body is threatening to end the pregnancy. There is a 50-50 chance it won't. And since you are so active and seem well, it's a better chance. But we're all very scared. The doctor ordered me to bed until the bleeding stops...

Gosh I can't wait to meet you. I can't feel you but I know you're there inside of me. When I saw you moving so much yesterday I was so excited. Your daddy is too. You were very unexpected to us. We had very mixed feelings at first. But now though everyone is very excited and happy. All these people that love and care for you already and they don't even know you and you don't even know them. I really love you baby and I can't wait to hold you in my arms.

-----
Thursday Nov 5, 1992
Hello little baby...On your father and I's honeymoon I started to feel you move. I wasn't sure at first. It felt like my stomach muscles were twitching. I realized though that it was you...Last week at my doctor's appointment, we had another ultra-sound. The technician told your daddy and I that you are a boy! Your daddy is so excited.

-----
December 1992 [written by daddy]
Dear Ernie Jr,
I hope you like your name. I also hope that you are happy. I've learned many things in the two months that I've been a husband and one is that I feel a great need to make your mother happy. I know that I'll feel this need with you too. My life is kind of in limbo right now. I don't know  which direction I am heading, but where ever I end up, I know that I'll be a good husband and father. You're going to be a big guy. I can tell you are growing really fast! When I go to sleep at night, your mom hugs me from behind and falls asleep. I can feel you kicking my back...

-----
Jan 30, 1993 [written by daddy]
Dear baby,
It's almost 4 you're due at 6:30. I'm thinking-I've waited 19yrs to be a daddy and now only in about 3 hours I'll be one. Time goes by so fast. I hope that the time we have doesn't go by too fast and that all your memories of me will be good. I'm so proud of your mom. She's so strong, and I know she'll be a good parent. I hope I am. Well I love you and I can't wait to meet you little guy. Love your father, Ernie
Your birthday, 93 3:55am

-----
There are more words...of anticipation, fear, doubt and love. Two young people, a young couple, soon to be young parents, writing words that only looked forward, that can now be read, only looking back.

Happy Birthday Mom

Mom,

Well, the tears started last night. Are you surprised? You didn't really know the non-robotic me, I don't think. I started the memory wreath tonight, I'll finish it tomorrow I guess. I think I started this 'tradition' last year, in memory of you and Ernesto's dad and grandma. It's something I guess...to keep my hands busy, moving. I don't know. It just seems like a nice sentiment. It's made out of rosemary, which is symbolic for remembrance.

There's so much going on right now, mom. I can't stop the tears, even though I try. I've really made a mess of things and I don't know how to fix it. I can't fix it I guess and I wish so bad I could. I don't know what else to do.

My life has pretty much come full circle. And it really sucks. I've been completely rejected and abandoned...pretty much a repeat of my birth, huh? Funny how that works. I guess you would really understand if you were here...and if I told you. I think there were things you wanted to tell me--but you didn't. I suppose that is because I didn't let you, maybe. I'm not sure.

It wasn't fair of you either, you know. You resolved your self of the guilt of your 'secret' but you didn't stop to think how you were transferring the burden on me to carry. That's not really fair to a little girl, don't you think? I'm not mad at you for it, but I think it's long past time to be honest about this. It wasn't fair to put that on me and then be unwilling to answer my questions about the situation. How can a little girl process the idea of abandonment & rejection--that I didn't even know about until you chose to tell me? What did you expect me to do w/ that information? Why did you act like you were willing  to answer questions when I was seven, and didn't have any, but not when I was 17 and did? Why couldn't you be mature enough to answer MY questions about it then?

I know why. Because you weren't. I don't really blame you--it wasn't your fault. I know things didn't go as you expected and probably dreamt about either. Wow, how I can understand that now. I can see your disappointments now. I understand why you were so tired and seemed so angry. I feel it now. I'm feeling that same disappointment and anger and fatigue.

I guess, maybe, we both bought into the fairytale, huh? I never thought this before, but maybe we both were actual romantics at heart. I didn't even realize it for myself until the fairy tale began to unravel. I thought love would save us...I still hope it can--but that just might be the hopeless romantic in me.

How did I get here, mom? I really believed my life would be so different from yours. From my perspective--it really looks like it's nearly the same--in all the disappointing ways. The childhood abandonment, the welfare, the depression, even going back to school--and I might have to give up being a stay-at-home-mom at some point too, like you did. At least you and dad stayed together. For whatever that was worth. I'm sorry--I know it was worth it. Did you know that mom? It meant something. It meant a lot.

I'm sorry we weren't as close as you wanted us to be--sooner anyway. I really thought since you and Birdy hit it off, you'd have the best friend you always wanted in me. How could we know the time would be so short? I thought I was stronger than you mom--but I don't really think I am. I don't think that anymore. I don't think I can do this mom. I don't think I can deal with all the disappointment. I don't know HOW to 'get over it'. Did you? Did you really?

Or maybe you didn't and that was why you were depressed. What did you ever figure out, at all those therapist appointments? What was the secret? How did you do it mom? Cause I really need to know. Really.

Sometimes people mention you, a perception of you--and I don't know that part. I didn't see it. Someone called you a prayer warrior. Is that true? Cause if so, I didn't know that. How did I not know that? But if you were--guess what? So am I. I guess. I am. More like a prayer desperado (ie: desperate criminal) than prayer warrior.

Why did you stop journaling? I tried to find your journals. I wanted to read them. I wanted to know all your secrets. I wanted to read about myself, from your perspective. The things maybe you wanted to tell me but didn't. I only found a few books, maybe, but they were BLANK mom! Where are they? I found one and it only had writing on ONE page--about dieting or something. Really, mom? Dieting!?!

I write mom. I know you wanted to write--I think, right? You liked it. You started that blog--I'm sorry, I forgot the password so now it's lost in cyber-space. Both of them, and I regret that. You'd be excited about my writing. Not the personal stuff, but the writing I get paid for. Thank you for always being encouraging. It meant a lot to me. Really. Even if I didn't believe you, thought you were just saying it because you were my mom and that's what moms do. But I still really liked hearing it.

Why didn't you say anything before you died? Did you really not have anything to say? Did you tell dad? Were you waiting for me to ask?

I want to go to the cemetery. I'd actually like to go more often. At the same time, it feels silly-because I know you're not even there. I put flowers, for what? For who? There's a lot of cemetery peer pressure mom. A lot. It's strange. I feel guilty for not going more often when I see other sites so decorated. Some people come and seem to stay all day, having a picnic. I thought I would do that. It seems pointless now, though. I'm sure I won't go tomorrow.

At first, there was a spot near yours, it was a younger man--maybe my age--I can still consider myself younger right? I think he was gay. I think it was his mom, cause she looked older. She brought roses all the time. He had extra vases on his plot, maybe six of them. I think they are even in the shape of a cross. Anyway, she was there all the time, at first. All the vases filled with red roses. Not anymore though. His is just one neglected plot, like yours, out of many more than when you first arrived.

The tree is really big now too. I hung a wind chime once, while it was still smaller. Other people had hung some too. I guess someone stole it cause it wasn't there anymore a few visits ago.

I wish you could have met Kurtis. Of course, you would have loved him and really liked  him. I named him after you and grandma you know. And me I guess, technically. I wish you wouldn't have rushed back down the hall when I was in labor with Sam-or was it Birdy? I would have let you stay.

I was crying earlier and Kurtis said, "I love you mom, don't cry." He thinks he needs to say that I guess, cause he's witnessed a lot of crying from me the past few months.

I tried to reassure him, "I'm crying because I miss my mommy. Don't you cry sometimes when you miss me?"

"You mean your mom?"

He's sharp, mom, real sharp.

I understand a lot more now, mom. About being a mother. That pain and sorrow. Did you think I was fearless, mom? You thought I was brave but that's not the same as being fearless. With out fear. I was afraid mom. Not of the dark. Not of monsters. I am not really afraid of anything...but this, if I am being honest. I guess I can be, I should be. What does it matter now?

I tried not to be, didn't want to believe my fears would come true...but they are. They are mom. It's happening. I don't know what to do. It's all fallen apart. What did you do when you were afraid? I can't remember. I don't think you ran away, did you? Did you give up? Did you write? Tell me mom. Why didn't you tell me what to do?

What should I do? Did you pray? Did it work or help? What were you afraid of mom? Were you afraid of dying? You didn't say you were. I know you didn't want to, but...I am glad I was with you. I'm glad you let me be with you. I was afraid I would miss it. I wanted to be with you. To feel it. To feel everything.

You died in my arms, mom. Did you know that? In our arms; mine, Nancy's and Shari's. I didn't realize it at the time. Thank you for that mom. It was amazing. Like birth. Your rebirth.

A few more hours and you would have been 57. I can't imagine you at 57, of course. I don't think I can do this mom. I will try--what choice do I have? Like you, what choice did you have? You couldn't do anything to stop your death, to save your life. I can't do anything to save my marriage, mom. There. You were brave though. You trusted. Anyway, you trusted. I think it takes a lot of faith to die mom. No one can tell you, what's on the other side. No one can tell me what is on the other side either, not really. You had to go alone, no one could go with you. I have to go alone too. It's just me. I'm trying to trust. Finally. Be brave, whatever bravery is worth these days. I guess it just depends on what the going exchange rate for fear is.

Maybe if you could do it...I can too.

Sorry for asking so many questions, by the way. I have been told my questions are very irritating, apparently.  I guess that could be true. I don't know. Maybe, they are only irritating to people that don't really care about you, as a person. Does this sound like a lot of whining? I know you would get it, mom. I think you knew me better than you gave yourself credit for. I knew you a lot less than I gave myself credit for.

Thank you for being good enough mom. You were always good enough and that was enough. You were enough.

Happy Birthday, mom.

And the Winner Is....

Sorry this is later than expected. We went camping and I had issues with my phone. Technology!

Here we are though.
We did it the old fashioned way...

Put each name on a piece of paper, then each piece of paper in a box.

The Birthday Boy chose the lucky winner by hand.



Are you ready for the BIG REVEAL?

CONGRATULATIONS GODCHASER!!!

I will need your mailing address & phone number to get YOUR party started!

Thank you to EVERYONE that entered. Hope you had fun & keep reading.

It's Birthday Season + a Give-Away!!!

June is a VERY busy month for our family. My dad celebrated his birthday at the beginning of the month and two days later was my aunt, dad's sister. My middles celebrate their birthdays a week apart.

Today we celebrated Birdy's 10th birthday. The Mr. gifted her with a very cool beach cover-up sweater, a set of Lego's and the necklace you see her wearing in this picture. He was off to work and the KtBunch headed to IHOP for a breakfast-lunch. haha. That's what she wanted--trust me, we tried to talk her into Mimi's.

She also wants to have a sleep-over with her girl friends but they are out of town so that is on hold for now.





Next Monday will be Sammy's birthday. I'm still not sure what exactly we are going to do. sigh. The ideas have been tossed around since last December!

In honor of Birthday Season in our life, Party Works has offered to give one lucky reader a Party Pack of their choice, for 8 guests!

There are lots of great themes to choose from like Hello Kitty--I admit, I'm partial.

Maybe you're old school and prefer something for the gamer in your life like Super Mario?

I used this same Sweet Pea theme for my baby shower for youngest three years ago.  What will you choose? parties aren't just for kids either. What about an afternoon tea for your girlfriends? This Cherry Blossom theme is lovely.

Ok, I think I have decided--for my 40th birthday party (next year), I want to have a Wizard of Oz themed shindig! Seriously. It's my most favorite movie and anyway--how fun would that be? I was thinking red and yellow colors before I even noticed those are the balloon colors this party pack includes.

So HOW do you WIN a Party Pack for yourself?
Leave a COMMENT below, sharing which party pack you would choose! This give-away will be open for 7 days--that means it will close on SAM'S birthday!

Don't forget to share on FB, twitter and tell all your friends!

Sorry--give-away open to US residents only.
PLEASE be sure you are NOT a no-reply blogger OR ELSE I won't be able to contact you if you are the chosen winner. PLEASE be sure to leave me some way to contact you!!!!

Thank you.
Good luck!

Happy Birthday to Me.

I celebrated my birthday this year at Farrell's Ice Cream Parlour! It was different for me but I had lots of fun surrounded by family and friends. I have fond memories of visiting this restaurant when I was little. It went out of business but now it's back so I wanted to take my own family and create some fresh memories. One of the things they were famous for is singing happy birthday with a big, giant drum. Yep, they still do that!

I was in the mood to celebrate so I knew I would have fun. But, let me warn you...this place is like Chuck-E-Cheese ON CRACK! It's crazy loud. They use that drum for every.single.birthday.song! And the place is NOT that big so I can't tell you how many times that drum was beat right in my ear. They scream and yell across the restaurant telling jokes and singing. THey also run around with this giant bowl of ice cream on a stretcher. It's insane. They want you to join in the singing for every.single.birthday! Seriously. Kurtis was really having a great time, clapping and joining in. By the end, he had his hands over his ears and was shaking his head no! haha. We all kind of felt like that.

It was a weeknight so I still had classes during the day. They were also  having a blood drive at school. For some reason, I felt it appropriate to give blood on my birthday. I was feeling a little down because it wasn't the usual type of birthday I was used but the idea of giving back in some way...when you feel rather empty, made sense. And it actually gave back to me. I felt good doing something that would benefit someone else. I hadn't given blood in years. I still qualified, strong blood, healthy weight. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, the least of which is a life time of good health. It was the least I could do.

That's just iodine all over my arm to keep it sterile and clean. After I was finished and was at the snack table a girl totally fainted! She was completely passed out. It was a little freaky. I ate a snack then hopped on my bike to head home to celebrate.

We had to wait outside the restaurant for at least an hour before they could seat us. I had tried to make a reservation ahead of time but by the time they got back to me, they said all the reservations were taken but we were welcome to walk in. Here are my nephews and the ktbunch, waiting patiently outside.

In the end I had a wonderful birthday. Better than I expected. We might go back to Farrell's sometime but it definitely won't be at night. We'll go early when it is less crowded and less drum banging. haha.

Happy Birthdays & giant cakes

We celebrated Kurtis 3rd birthday today. It was low-key and casual. Mostly family in attendance.

He has such a joyous spirit, he greeted each guest as if they were his most favorite person in the world!!! I loved it.

When it was time to open gifts, he smiled so big and made you believe he was waiting for every individual gift his entire life! It was SO cute.

I did have a bit of a Safari theme....mostly played out in the giant 4 layer cake I made. I also made some folded paper medallions. I like them.

The weather was gorgeous except mid-day, during the party, it was VERY hot.

The cake was supposed to be three layers but I had an extra layer so figured, Why not? Right?

The recipe calls for a boxed cake mix but instead of water, you add buttermilk. It's supposed to make it more moist. I think it worked.

The creamy filling is basically peanut butter, cream cheese and whipping cream with a bit of cinnamon and vanilla. Uh, yah, TOTALLY delish!!!

Here's a tip: if you have to crush nuts--use a can of food, not a knife to crush them. It's much easier AND faster. Not to mention, safer!!

The crushed nuts go along the sides of the cake.

Impressive, right? This cake was SO good. Seriously.

I was also so afraid it was going to fall over but it didn't.

I made peanut butter sandwich cookies, from scratch, as party favors. The rest of our menu consisted of chicken and rice with sweet peppers, salad and apples with peanut butter dip. (the left over cake filling)

We made a pitcher of lemon-cucumber water to drink EXCEPT I did not realize I didn't have cucumbers....oldest son sliced zucchini, thinking it was cucumbers, into the water. NO one noticed though. haha!

I don't have a camera so I got very few pictures and even less *good* ones. I have to use my phone camera and it isn't that good. Later that night, we went to the drive-in, over indulged on popcorn and watched The Hunger Games.

It was a nice party. I'm glad all my family came, even if I couldn't get any pix of them. The memories are all in my heart.