Developing Patience While Giving Up Control

Patience, yah, yah, yah. It's easy to become impatient most days. All is well until something isn't going your way. When it involves parenting, I am learning more and more, it's less about controlling your children and more about being patient with them.

When I was a younger parent, my understanding (and teaching I received) was that the point was to get your children to obey you. If you did X, enough times or forcefully enough, they would eventually know to obey. Of course, they would love and respect you all the more.

As I have grown as a person and a parent, I realize we control no one. My children are not robots, they are free thinkers and they are free to choose how they respond to me and anyone else. I have made it clear, there are consequences to every choice, good and bad.

Some days they make better choices and others...they don't. Just as I do and don't. What is a parent to do when a child is having an uncooperative day? It's funny that we call them uncooperative, they could very easily call us uncooperative. It's the truth, isn't? We are not doing what our child wants us to do, whatever that may be in their mind at the time. Who is really being uncooperative here?

We are the adults, we naturally have more life experience. Yes, my six year old must learn to read and that learning requires he read aloud to me for a minimum amount of time. When he does not want to follow my instructions, nothing I do can force him to. Sure, I can give a swat, reason with him, try to cajole or bribe him, raise my voice or any other number of methods to convince him that my way is the right way.

Maybe one of those attempts will work. Maybe they won't. Until they do though, it is still my responsibility to remain patient. See how that works?  He is another human being with his own will, thoughts, ideas and preferences. I can have perfectly logical and good reasons for him to do what I want. To himself, he may have his own set of reasons that make perfect sense to him, why he should have things his way.

We say, Lord, give me patience. Another responds: don't pray for patience, or you will be tested on it. Okay, that is just nonsense! One fruit of the Holy Spirit IS patience. Either you have it or you don't...or...

If we believe we have the Holy Spirit living within us we will produce proof, in the form of good fruit. Here's the thing though, fruit doesn't magically appear. It takes time to blossom, and grow. You may have fruit that is not in season or ripe yet. We can develop the fruit of the spirit over time!

It's a constant pruning and nurturing to develop good fruit. The more opportunities we have to exhibit patience, the more that virtue will grow within us. How freeing! Every time another person isn't doing what I want (if we're honest, that is what it always comes down to) I have the opportunity to practice patience. In that time of practicing, perhaps, I will change instead. Perhaps I will come to see a new or different perspective I did not see before. However, if I continue to demand MY way, whether this is in parenting, marriage, friendship, at work or ministry, I have quenched potential fruit, and possibly bruised a relationship or a relationship in the making.

As a parent (or any human being really) I must be willing to give up the attempt to control others. I must allow others the freedom to make mistakes, even big ones, and allow them to handle the consequences of those choices. If the choice made produces negative consequences, we then have the opportunity to extend grace and help those we care about navigate through the consequences. It's a wonderful beauty to be part of this process.

God never leaves us alone and I don't believe He expects us to instantly get everything right, every time. His love does not change for us because we have made the wrong choice. He gives us options and encourages us to make good choices but He never forces us. He reasons with us, through His Word, gives warnings and shows us through the many examples of those who have gone before us, possible outcomes of our choices. We are though, always free to make our own choice.

He shows the ultimate patience and grace with us, sometimes waiting our entire lives, for us to call out to Him for help. I can do the same with my child in any given moment or with others I love and care about. He has given us all we need, it is up to us to reach out and access it. It's up to nurture the good fruit within to produce right when it is needed.

A child or anyone else, who is not cooperating, doesn't need more force coming against them, what they need, is more patience, grace and love. To be honest, it's probably what I need in that very same moment as well. 

Monday All Day

 

Sometimes it's just like that, right?

My Monday started with my 6yo sitting up in my bed, staring at me...

"Good morning mommy."

I smiled, "Good morning sweetie. Why don't you come over here for  a big hug."

"I peed the bed."

Sigh. "It happens. Give me a big hug anyway and then go change your clothes."

Maybe an hour later we were off to our morning work out, late, as usual. I didn't get upset...this time. What's the point?

I worked on a custom order, making the same exact sewing mistake at least 3, if not 4, times in a row! Very frustrating, but I pulled it through.

I began an art project with Kurtis only to realize every container of water colors, paintbrushes, white and brown paint, had all disappeared, just in time for me to want to use them. Whatever.

Later, I decided to help Kurtis make owl themed cookies to go along with the owl themed learning we've been doing for his first grade work. I bit the bullet and pushed aside any insecurities of feeling like the working mom who can't take the time to mix together sugar cookie dough from scratch and bought Pillsbury refrigerated dough. I was going to make this happen!!!

As you can see above, it didn't exactly turn out the way I planned. Which is basically the story of my life, in case you hadn't noticed. It's also definitely been the ongoing theme the past few weeks. I try to fight it at times and in those moments of fighting, life feels so overwhelming hard and impossible. When I choose to finally surrender, it all suddenly feels like no big deal. Funny how that works, eh?

I suppose that is the point all along. Surrender.

The cookies taste just as sweet either way. 

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

As he snuggled up to me, all I felt was fear that he would vomit on me!

There was no celebrating for us. No sweet green table settings. And absolutely NO pinching. After a long couple nights of vomiting and fainting children, we were all wiped out. 

After art class and cleaning the salon on Monday, Kurtis vomited as soon as we arrived home, right outside the car on the sidewalk. I'm not sure how he survived art class. Liberty started feeling a bit funky too and by evening, took her own turn. She tried to stay in denial about it and that cost her the blanket and pillow she was lying on. 

Eggs of natural blue, pink, tan, and deep rust colors.

I felt exhausted and overwhelmed but you know--no rest for the weary--especially if that 'weary' is a momma! I headed to work and was greeted with this cute jar of the most beautiful fresh eggs I have ever seen from one of my students. His family has six chickens and they brought me a jar of naturally colorful eggs as a 'Thank You' for working with him. That brightened my day unbelievably. His chicken laid the blue eggs. Since these are fresh, they can remain unrefrigerated for up to 5 weeks unless I wash them. Amazing!

Getting my green on for work!

Since there was no St. Paddy's day indulgence happening at my house, I got a little green on for work at least. I painted my nails green, wore green earrings, sweater and rubber bands along with this green sparkly foam tiara, that's obviously seen better days.
Sleepless nights that include sick vomiting children are just the worst for me. Besides being exhausted, they take a major toll on me emotionally as they magnify the reality and feelings of being left alone in this parenting journey. The worry, the decision making and feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders alone...pushes me to my limits. Limits of faith and trust in God in the mess, in the loads of laundry, towels and underwear, like the vomit in the corners, splattered on every surface, is how far reaching is my need for Christ's grace in my own life.
Once again, He was there with me. He sustained me and led me into moments of beauty and gratefulness in an otherwise dehydrated barf-O-rama desert! 

I Don't Want to Have Anything to DO With Him Ever Again!

Last night, I went to bed with a heavy heart, nearly heart broken all over again. My middle son was triggered and began to share his heart. We MUST STOP what we are doing when those who share so tentatively, take a moment to trust us with their tender vulnerability, and REALLY LISTEN--not only to them but to God, at the same time, for divine wisdom--parenting can be challenging sometimes.

His jaw was set hard but it didn't stop those big, silent, crocodile tears from streaming down his 14 year old face, over the peach fuzz above his lips. "I don't want to EVER be compared to dad. I don't like that. I am nothing like him and I don't want to be!"

He continued, "I am ready to move on...I am ready to let go." His shoulders tensed as the tears came in waves. Fourteen year olds should not have to be stoic.

"What do you mean by move on? Let go? What does that look like for you?" I asked softly.

"I mean, I just want to forget about him. I don't want to be around him. I don't want to have anything to do with him." He said, his anger and pain rushing again to the surface.

"You won't ever forget him...I mean every time you look in the mirror..." I smiled. "I know you love him and that is why you feel hurt. People disappoint us. I am sorry you are facing this situation."

Barely holding back my own tears, I tried to use my words sparingly. A hand on his shoulder...wishing I could cuddle him in my lap and he didn't have to feel what he was experiencing. Silently saying my own prayer for wisdom...I reminded him of the WORD. "God says He will use what is meant for harm, for good." I continued to speak intentionally into his life, heart and soul, "You are forgiving. You have a heart of compassion and you know, maybe more than others your age, how God is your provider and because of the pain you have felt, you feel compassion for others...."

More tears, more words, more heart ache...

"His DNA is in your blood, along with mine, you are part of both of us. You also have the DNA of Christ, which over rides negative behavior. You stay humble and continue to rely on Christ and you will be a responsible and loving husband and father some day... It might be helpful to focus on and remember the good times you shared with your dad. I know you have good memories with him."

In the end, we were both worn and it was late.

Today, the Mr was scheduled to pick them up for a couple hours before work. Everyone slept in later than usual. No one was in a hurry to leave either when dad showed up at 10am.

I checked in on my 14yo and in typical 14yo fashion, he was 'fine.' Tired but fine. He still chose NOT to express his heart to his dad...none of them feel safe enough for that yet...but the burden was lifted. He said he just needed to 'release' what he had been holding in.

Amazing what comfort a listening ear can be. Also a reminder that negative emotions can be handled appropriately, redirected and they DO PASS, therefor, we do NOT have to act on them. 

I wanted to be angry. For both of us. For him, having to feel so hurt. For my pain, cause he was hurting AND for having to deal with it ALONE. I was tempted to text my older son (21yo) who was out w/ friends-to come home immediately, for 'back up' (they have a good relationship)--BUT knowing I had to be the parent God has created me to be! I AM the parent & I have been CHOSEN, qualified and capable of handling the *hard stuff*.

JUST AS YOU have been! You CAN do this. No, you DON'T have to play BOTH parental roles...just YOUR role. I am not perfect. I *consistently* pray for WISDOM, not only as a human on this planet BUT specifically as a PARENT...in this 'situation'. We are dealing with circumstances above and beyond the normal call of duty. God promises to give wisdom. Start or KEEP reading Proverbs--EVERY day. Keep praying. Keep speaking life. Don't give up.   

{this was NOT all of his or our conversation--as I want to respect his privacy, but I feel free to share portions of MY part. I know you all understand.  }

Everything is OK

I started my too early morning, greeted by hundreds of ants, invading my kitchen sink. I sprayed them down, ignoring that creepy-crawly feeling all over my skin, then plodded my way to the bathroom. I stepped on an extra wet towel near the sink cabinet that I knew should not have been so wet.

Sure enough, water was over flowing out from under the newly replaced sink, pipes and cabinet. 'Newly replaced' after the faucet exploded on the 4th of July, shooting up high enough to blow out the light bulb that still has not been replaced. The towel was on the floor, over flowing from our laundry basket, spilling out into the small hallway because of a reoccurring and unresolved plumbing issue in our laundry room preventing us from doing laundry regularly. The laundry room plumbing connects to our kitchen sink, causing it to drain only sometimes and when the water from the washer isn't backing up into it, producing a very narrow window when I can actually wash dishes. That narrow window is not long enough for me to complete a full sink load of dishes at a time and I can only do dishes during day light hours because the kitchen light also burned out and I keep forgetting to replace it...until it's dark again!

Five humans live in this house. One meal is a sink load. Five days or more with out doing laundry...is disastrous.

Along with this, is the fact that my adventure van is sounding and running like a lawnmower, spewing strong fumes into it so that we have to drive with all the windows open just so we can slightly breathe.

This could all sound so horrible and awful and make any mom want to go back to bed and stay there. I could have gotten angry. Given in to agitation. I could whine and complain about how terrible my life is, all day.

None of that would be true though. Sure, it's inconvenient. Last week a drawer face broke off, as someone tried to open it. Just snapped right off one side.

None of this will last forever though. Nothing ever does, good or bad. Everything will be fixed eventually. We did get a brand new water heater, after the old one had been continuously leaking and running for months after we found out. We're renters in this home and we have a good deal.

My side kitchen garden is really thriving and looks so lovely even though earlier in the week I had to pull out a mold diseased squash plant. It was a bummer but everything else is still looking good. The garden looks beautiful and lovely with it's mix of edible herbs, vegetables and wild flowers.

I can choose to focus on the FEW things wrong in my life right now. I choose to focus on the temporary nature of EVERYTHING in my life right now. The plumbing will be fixed. We have more than enough clothes. I can wash dishes in increments. I own a plunger. The Mr. was helpful enough to try and readjust the restroom sink plumbing to prevent more over flow when he came to pick up the ktbunch. We shared a laugh. The ants died and more may or may not be back tomorrow but my 5yo thinks it's the funnest thing ever to get to "spray the spray" and kill them.

I have a rush custom baby bloomer order to fulfill today that put some cash in my back pocket. I have a lovely family. I have a great sense of humor. I have a great job opportunity I'm starting, that is challenging and loaded with potential. Life is ALWAYS good. I really have no reason to get down. My live is lovely and beautiful and sometimes inconvenient which makes for fun stories and possible blog posts and laughter and snarky, sarcastic comments to process.

Life is going to end sooner than any of us will ever want. There may be painful moments. There will be lots of fabulous moments. I choose to not waste any more time focused on the negative or what is 'wrong' with it. I may share and let you in on some of it but a bad moment does not make for a bad day...or a bad life.

This is how my family not only survives but thrives.
Smile on.

Like Old Times

It could have almost felt like old times if not for that last moment the Mr. walked around the table giving each individual kid a kiss and hug with an 'I Love You,' before he left to return to work...stopping short to offer a 'see you later' in MY direction. 

He specifically asked what our plans were for S's birthday yesterday...and asked if we could meet him for lunch so he could see Sam on is birthday since he might have to work late, missing his 'visitation' (gosh how I despise that word!). He forgot Sam's birthday card so he also asked me to take them all by his work so he could give it to him. I stayed in the car but I knew he would walk the kids back out anyway, to say goodbye.

I maintained my SELF. As it's sometimes confusing to know just how to behave in these unknown situations, isn't it? So I smiled and listened to him talk about his morning at work...I keep the appropriate guard over my own heart until it's time to 'awaken love' per God's instructions in Song of Solomon. 

'...and they all enjoyed their lunch, as if they were an ordinary, happy family, on an ordinary, summer day...as their smiles hid the invisible ache of their hearts.'

It Passed Over

The angel of death will pass over...

These words were on my heart this week with everything I was facing combined with the regular issues I have been dealing with and it being Passover Week.

I clung to them as a personal promise as I entered the welfare office for the interview with the fraud investigator.

I felt very afraid as I was told, by well meaning friends,  real stories of women being accused, charged and penalized by suspension of benefits, fines and even prison time. I had no idea how this would play out or what to expect.

My husband and I drove mostly in silence on the way there. Then we sat mostly in silence for the 45 minutes we waited for the investigator. I began to wonder if I was in the right place or I had possibly gone to the wrong offices.

We were finally called into one of the regular welfare interview booths. The investigator was wearing a sheriff's green polo shirt that had a large golden badge embroidered on her upper left hand shoulder, the around the neck ID and sparkly gold eye shadow. She introduced herself with the same firm demeanor she used when she had come to my door.  She directed her comments toward my husband, "I am not a case worker, I am a welfare fraud investigator, a police officer. I have been investigating you since February." She reiterated how she had come to my door, that I refused her entry to my home and that I was not required to allow her into my home.

I had dressed as professionally as I could with what I had, black pants, a fitted black shirt with a built in white collar, light, fitted grey jacket and closed toe grey shoes--that were much tighter than the last time I wore them. My husband was in his standard work clothes. I handed over my documents and sat up straight. I remained silent through most of the interview. I did feel a little defensive when she began to tell me how I could put my children in outside school, not home school, because that was a personal choice. "And my husband's..." I said. I felt a little more defensive when she told me I could get a job or get on cash aid to alleviate some of the tension between my husband and myself. I then pointed out the discrepancy between my husband's income last year vs his current income. 

She continued to address most of her comments and questions to my husband, including giving him unsolicited advice about filing for divorce for free, lowering his child support and relieving his financial stress and tension by suggesting that I apply for cash aid. She made a point to add that all of this could have been avoided and my husband would not have had to miss work, if I had only allowed her into my home in the first place. I refuse to look down and lower my head but kept my gaze focused on the clock on the wall behind her with my hands folded in a relaxed manner, on the counter top in front of me. I prayed silently to myself the entire time but there were moments that I could not hold it together and tears spilled out. Especially when she referred to my husband as my "husband"...at least a dozen times or more.

After she dictated to us what to write on an affidavit, and sign, it was over. She ended the interview with, "You can pick up an application for cash aid on your way out, since you're here, and make an appointment."

I could not get out of there fast enough. My heels made deep clicking sounds on the linoleum. I hadn't noticed it before the interview but it was very attention getting on my way out. I tried to hold it together at least until I was outside.

I tripped and lost my balance a bit as I crossed the cracked concrete of the parking lot drive-way, rushing to my car. There wasn't any sidewalk where I had parked. I took off my heels and walked barefoot on the thick green grass. I opened the back passenger door, throwing my heels and paperwork into the back seat. I walked barefoot on the asphalt to the driver side door, got in, leaned my head on the steering wheel, let out a confused deep breath along with my tears, and waited for my husband. He never showed up.

I went back to look for him in the office. I drove around looking for him. I went into the office a second time. Security looked in the restroom for me and also let me use the phone to call him. He did not answer. I felt worried. I went home, but I kept an eye out for him the entire way. Maybe he had a friend pick him up? When I got home, I called him again and left another message. 

Maybe he had his sister come and get him? I called his mom but they had not heard from him. His sister sent him a text and he finally called me. "I'm walking home."

"Why, what happened?"

"Because I don't want to be in a car with you," he angrily responded.

"Why?" I was shocked by his anger.

Click. He hung up on me with out an answer.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The angel of death will pass over...

I felt a little confused, lost, defeated maybe...Mostly just confused--it was hard to tell if I could really claim victory or not...

I meditated more on this angel of death scenario...the angel of death DID pass over the Hebrews--and they woke up the next day STILL ENSLAVED! Think about that a little bit.

They were spared a plague BUT the thing they wanted most: their FREEDOM, had still not manifested. They were finally released and Pharaoh changed his mind and went after them...then they were cornered up against the Red Sea...we know what happens.

We're in this war and God is giving us promises and encouragement for each battle. These battles are NOT the big war!  The final victory IS coming--I believe. Praise God even in the small victories or in the midst of battle. 

...the plague will not...destroy you. 

True Grit Faith

The faith that is pressed down, abandoned but not crushed. When you're down to your last and all you've got is a faith that's shaking and you're hoping against hope that your foundation is built upon a rock that's solid cause you've got no more strength to fight your way out of sinking sand.

You're praying that all those words from the Word are true and you've got nothing to lose in believing they are but everything to gain. You're trudging through the miry clay, the compost of life, hoping to reap some black gold that will nourish the seeds you've planted.

You're on your own in a way you've never imagined and your pressing in, persevering, making the best out of nothing and calling it freedom. Choosing to smile. It's like living under a freeway and telling yourself it's camping. You've imagined the very worst case scenario and you praise that you aren't there yet.

There's no ego, humility is your uniform now. You've rolled up your shirt sleeves, grabbed your shovel and your in it to win it. One way or another.

Because when nothing looks like you thought it was, you've GOT to take God at His Word. Is He really for you when the world is against you? Is He on your side when you don't even have a side left? Is there really a life worth living, somewhere in your future...or right now? Is that man, dying on that cross, really going to live again?

You're a pioneer. You're holding on to dreams because you've chosen the hard road. You're the one that will not fold under the pressure. The one that doesn't sell out. The one that says I'll crawl to the finish line if I have to...but I will finish...and finish well. You believe, you know, there IS something more than this.

When you're fighting apathy, indifference, searching and fighting FOR passion, life, love...you go to sleep in surrender and awake with fresh determination. You won't give up. You can't. You will get through this. There is always grace--it's all grace. You will be strong because you know dependency on God in this life!

That's where you'll find your true grit faith.