For the Momma Who's About to Lose Her Ish!

Freaks!

No judgment here momma. I'll raise a Hunger Games two fingered salute in solidarity to you. Take a deep breath, walk away, lock yourself in the bathroom--but take your phone so you can read this. 

Times get hard. Having a toddler can be hard. Having a teenager can be hard. Heck, getting out of bed and resisting the urge to go out in public in something other than pajama pants, can he heck-a-hard at times. This isn't every day life. But it's real life sometimes. like, when you're in school, your kids are in school, one or more of your kids have gotten the flu {the vomitrocious kind especially}, there is other extended family crisis, you're a solo-mom, or your 8 year old  has decided today is the day he is going to be his own person and refuse to do anything you ask him to do, ever. Or like it's one of those days that end in 'day'. 

Here are my 25 years of parenting suggestions that may or may not apply to you. Feel free to use the ones that do. 

Eliminate any thing you can for this season! It will NOT always be like this. Here are a few simple tips. HUGS!!!

1. Meals-is it work or relaxing for you? If it feels like more 'work': get ready made or one pot meals. Use paper plates and disposable utensils. Ditch the food guilt and feel proud that your kids are fed today. 

2. Take a walk or exercise everyday. Seriously, it will help your brain, emotions, heart and mental state. You can google it. It's true. I know you wish you could get to the gym, even if all you do is sit on your phone, in peace. Let the guilt, wishes and dreams go. This is the time to circle the wagons-we're not in the wild west or on the Oregon Trail but those of you who remember when that wasn't a board game--I think you get what I'm saying. 

3. When kids come home-drop the stuff and take a walk around the block. This really isn't a repeat of the previous suggestion, I promise. This time you *include* the freaks of your womb not try to escape from them.This will give everyone a chance to transition and reconnect.

4. Eliminate or minimize sugar intake. Consume lots of water and protein. Being hangry never helps and can seriously alter moods. I get it. We're all emotional eaters over here who would rather consume a sticky, fried donut than feel whatever we feel but--it won't help. Ok, well, it might for a minute, but not later. Trust me on this one. Step away from the sugar rush and eat a string cheese--ok dairy free, whatever. Just stick to the protein! 

5. 20 second minimum, hugs for each kid when they get home, after bath, before bed and any other time things are feeling tense. Hugs also help to reduce stress. Often it feels like the last thing we want to do is give a hug to our spawn behaving like twerps but they probably need it the most in that moment. Come on--you know it will help you too. It's like when mothers are suffering from Postpartum Depressions--doctors recommend they hold their baby more! The physical connection is great but counting to that 20 will give you a moment to breath and not do or say anything you will regret. It forces you to slow down, think and breath. You need oxygen. Duh. 

6. Smile. It tells your brain it feels positive. Really. Try it right now. Do it. Ok, now hold for 10...20 seconds. Well now it's just ridiculous so you have to laugh. But doesn't that feel better already? It's not full {fool?} proof, ya know? These are more like 'guidelines'. 

7.Touch your kids (tousle hair, pat on the back, tickle ear). Human touch helps lessen stress and maintain connection. Like the HUGS! 

8. Give yourself and your kids compliments. LOOK for positive things to say. It will help you stay focused on the goodness around you. Try to overlook negative behavior or responses as much as possible.

Life WILL get stressful. It happens. Expect it but be prepared. You will be able to handle it better if you are prepared, just like a fire drill! File this away in your brain, under life skills and crisis preparedness drills. We should really have those for aspiring parents. I'm not even joking.

You're ok momma. You are going to continue to be ok. You don't have to live life as normal, like everything is ok, when it's NOT. Life gets messy so why would we expect it to stay perfectly or even moderately organized? Be nice to yourself (oh! Tip #9?) It's ok if your kids wear mismatched socks, two days in a row, of the same non-pair. No one ever died of stinky feet.

Stay strong-You got this! 

I Watched 13 Reasons Why with My teens and I think You Should Too

I know, I know, some of you may be cringing or judging me as a mother right now. First, yes, the series contains mature content and subject matter. It also contains foul language, acts of bullying, graphic depictions of violence, assault, and rape, sexual situations and partial nudity. This may be upsetting or trigger inducing to some viewers.

It also contains a VERY realistic story-line about a highschool student who commits suicide. Via cassette tape, she outlines a series of events that led her to that point in her life.

So why would I recommend this? Because these horrific situations happen everyday and they are not isolated events. It's very eye-opening, especially in a digital age, how a seemingly minor incident can be twisted, blown out of proportion and shared, in a matter of seconds. This is serious and life altering for a teenager.

I especially implore you to watch the interview at the end, even skip the series and go straight to the interview if you want. We need to talk about these topics with each other, with our children. Sure, maybe you think you can talk about it without watching it (we fast-fwd through objectionable scenes, truth be told). However, even the parents depicted in this series are clueless. Not by choice. Everyone is trying but at the same time, they are trapped within the same 'system'. Looking out for themselves, hoping they don't become targets.

It clearly and accurately depicts the depth of pain that can occur over something that appears so trivial on the surface. The nature of relationships, hierarchy of survival and dynamics within teen (and even young adult) culture.

What is the redeeming factor of watching a series like this? Awareness. Having the hard conversations with your kids. Changing our own patterns of behavior toward each other. Pursuing real relationship with others and potentially the teens within our community or sphere of influence.

I think I have a good relationship with my kids but there are still things I don't know. I don't spend the 4 hours at the skate park with my son. I don't sit in their writing class with them. I am not at the dance studio. And I am considered a very involved parent. There is autonomy so it is impossible to know everything in one's heart, even those closest to us. But we can try.

I pursue relationship with my kids. But we have to be honest. We have to be safe and approachable. We HAVE to look beyond the surface of our children's lives and watch for the nuances of communication and BE there. We have to listen, even if we're tired. There aren't always signs of trauma but we need to pay attention when our children are trying.

We need to teach them that we can be trusted. Even with the hard stuff. Even with their dumb, or worse, choices.

Yes, we need Jesus. Guess what? Depression, despair, bullying, assault, violence and rape...all exists even with Jesus. They exist within our churches. In our youth groups. In our sanctuaries.

Lets start talking about it!

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

24 Hour – Local Referrals

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

1-888-628-9454 (En Espanol)

1-800-799-4TTY (4889)

VETERANS PRESS “1"

Teen Line

www.teenlineonline.org

800-TLC-TEEN (852-8336)

California Youth Crisis Line

www.youthcrisisline.org

1-800-843-5200

24 Hours Bilingual

Parenting WITH Fear Today

I have intentionally worked on parenting *without* fear. Not making decisions influenced by fear-based-outcomes but focusing on the positive. For the first time ever, I had a discussion with my ktbunch, giving advice, based strictly on *fear*.

Because yesterday, a grown man grabbed a 13yo against his will, refused to let him go and eventually pulled out a gun that fired. I watched a few of the original eye-witness videos last night before they were grabbed by local news media, edited, altered and chopped to pieces. I watched with fear in my own heart thinking I was about to witness a 13yo get killed. I watched as a human but probably more, without trying to, as a mother.

 I've heard and read the commentary on the incident. About how horrible the 13yo was for "being disrespectful" & that he "deserved" it. Somehow justifying the use of physical force and an armed weapon to accomplish what? Control? Prove a point?
We teach our children stranger danger, if there was ever an attempt by someone to grab them they must fight, kick and scream, do whatever needs to be done to get away...yet this 13yo, being grabbed & dragged by a stranger, who is bigger and stronger, is being called disrespectful? His entire generation is being called disrespectful. His mother is being accused of being a horrible parent.

So I tell my kids, from now on...yes, be respectful BUT...But what? Be *perfect*? You have no rights? You won't be protected? You can't make a mistake? You can't trust adults? What!?! What DO I tell them? That there are CRAZY people out there who obviously have NO problem with the idea of pulling out an armed weapon if you walk on their lawn or speak back at them when they curse you, or are surrounded by other teens walking home from school, or you're wearing a hoodie at night...

Do I tell them they can expect to be viewed as guilty until proven innocent? So walk with your eyes down and your nose clean. Mind your business son...just keep on walking. Do I tell them they are not allowed to make mistakes? That the strongest guy will win. The lightest color guy will win? YES, I know other mothers have lived with this fear for decades. I know. I'm sorry.

Of course, being disrespectful is never appropriate. But is the correct response to a mouthy teen to pull out a gun!?! Since when it is ok to put your hands on and grab a 13 year old, you don't even know!?! If a parent reacted the way the man in this incident did, they'd be charged with child abuse! So how is it ok for this guy? Why did the teen get immediately cuffed, arrested and charged and the man got a calm, 'talking to' and then given 72 hour 'administrative leave'. No charges have been filed against him. Apparently he is entitled to an investigation. What was the teen entitled to?

It's true we do not know what happened before the video. We have only heard the teen's side of the story so far. From what I saw, the teen was acting like a punk, sure. However, I don't see where that justifies the grown adult, reacting physically, trying to force his will upon the teen and then pulling out a weapon. That is an abuse of authority, intimidation, bullying, etc.

I have questions. I don't have answers. My heart is heavy.

When We're All Acting Like the Desperate-Jesus-Needing Humans We Are!

It's been some kind of week. The type that leaves my heart and mind all over the place and I'm not exactly sure where to land. Feeling as if the only two options are to eat all the pie or nothing at all. Sure, the worship music is on but I don't feel like singing along. The 'all-I've-got-to-give' looks a lot like 'just sitting there.' For my weary soul, that's everything. There's no cure and I don't need fixing-because being the one that stays, counts. It's enough.

I asked...told? my kiddos NOT to give me their assignments to grade the night before or morning of their learning record meeting, warned them to get their work samples together early...The night before and morning of--here I was. Feeling discouraged and like a failure because my kids had pretty much done everything I warned them not to do.

My frailty was evident as I felt like losing it and going off on everyone. Isn't everyone aware of how stressful my life is already? Dishes that only take minutes to do, left undone. Items and objects that could easily be put away, left out. Shelves carelessly over stuffed with random papers and ish everywhere.

Enough to drive a mom mad, of course.

In the heat of my exasperation...the epiphany.

Everyone was simply acting like they need Jesus. I was upset because no one was doing what *I* wanted--even if what *I* wanted was good, useful and wise. And I was taking it personal because...?

Dumb.

My kids don't need me, they NEED JESUS! Just like I do. And I was getting upset because they were actually acting like it!?! Duh. 

Big. Fat. Duh.How else should they behave? Like they *need* ME? Like they have it all together and don't need anyone? Certainly not Jesus?

Why wouldn't I expect them to need Jesus and to actually act like it. Isn't this what every scripture and historical record in the Bible is about? One account after the next, of human beings prone to failure, trying to do this life on their own?

They need Jesus just as much as I do.
I need Jesus just as much as them.
The need is not dependent on chronological age.

Recognizing their need, my need, our need--enabled grace. Grace I need, is the grace I can give.

I want my children to need Jesus, not me. Even more, I want them to recognize it.
Maybe it requires me recognizing and remembering first. 

Abuse Drills

We teach our young children safety in every aspect, like staged fire drills, earthquake drills, stranger danger, what parts of their body should be considered private etc. But often over look emotional health and well being, especially as they get older.

As vigilant parents, we have to over-come our own awkwardness and have the hard conversations. Tell your daughters and sons what domestic violence and abuse looks like. Prepare them so they never doubt themselves or perpetrate it on another.

Teach them an escape plan for abuse. What to do if they find themselves the victim of a situation you never want to imagine will happen.

For my daughter, our plan goes like this: 

1. Do whatever you need to do to stay safe in the immediate moment.

2. Remove yourself from the situation/person ASAP.

3. If unable to remove self,  get to a phone soon as it is safe and you can.

4. Call your brother or me and we will come get you immediately-no questions asked.

It's simple and not too much to think about in an emergency.

Encourage them to listen to their inner voice that tells them something is just off about a person. To pay attention when they get a bad vibe. Most of all, empower them with healthy boundaries. 

Explain to your sons and daughters, their individual value and how a relationship will never meet all their needs or make them whole-because they aren't half a person! And their deepest needs can only be met by Christ.

This way they won't over ride red flags, signs and checks in their spirit out of desperation, the idea that they lack the worthiness to be treated with respect and honor or worse; that no one else will ever love or want them.

Speak God's identy truths into them-yes! This is not a guarantee...just as earthquakes, fires, and accidents happen. Situations can happen that we may never expect, but they must be prepared for them. This isn't fearful parenting any more than having a fire escape route in your home or explaining gun safety. This is empowered parenting! 

Build up your children spiritually and emotionally, as well as equipping them practically. I didn't grow up witnessing any form of domestic violence between my parents but it was never explained or talked about either. It wasn't clear to me what it was exactly...I thought it only looked like someone getting beat up and visibly bruised regularly.

Now I've learned, it doesn't always look that way and can be even more unrecognizable if you are unfamiliar with abusive behaviors. 

You are your children's advocate. The most equipped teacher of life experience IS YOU! You can do this! 

Taking Time Not To Lose It

Lunch...for the most challenging 7yo I've ever had! As a mom, I finally realized, when I am feeling the *most* frustrated-is when I *most* need to slowdown...and intentionally show and pour (strangle? No, pour! ) extra love into the moment. I can't even fathom how many million deep breathes I will have taken by the time this 'exhuberant' child is grown...but however many are necessary, I will take them! 

I stopped fighting the moment this morning. Walked away to focus on an act of love. The 7 year old could certainly make his own lunch. I acted out the grace by making it for him. I put in extra effort to make it look pleasing and attractive. I intentionally took the extra, unnecessary...or perhaps completely necessary, time to perform a gratuitous act of love. 

He ate his entire lunch in one sitting. A rarity! Peace was restored. 

Maybe...

I sat there, fascinated, watching him watch the water and all the potential it held. He pulled out a branch covered in soggy brown leaves. Then he pulled out a large chunk of wood he had previously thrown in. Who doesn't enjoy throwing things into water, watching a once in a life time splash that will never be repeated!?!

Maybe he will fall in the water...and be wet? Maybe he will slip and hit his head on a rock...and bleed? Maybe.

Maybe he will realize he has good balance, is smart, loves to explore, can get back up every time he falls, cuts heal, and that it's ok to get your shoes wet. Maybe.

Maybe he will remember when he was little and allowed to be a child.

Why My Children Don't *Have* to Obey Me

One of these kids is not mine. 

In my younger parenting days, I believed; you told your child what to do and they did it. I soon realized children don't always DO what you tell them to do, therefore it was my job, as a responsible parent to MAKE them do what I wanted them to do.

This could be accomplished in various ways. I'm sure many of us have grown up experiencing the various ways our parents would attempt to enforce their will upon ours, even when it truly was for our own good.

These days, I am a very different parent then I was when I started out 23 years ago.

My parenting language used to go something like this: "Take out the trash." Which worked great if the particular child this was directed at was feeling compliant at the moment. If not, well, that required more challenging navigation. My language began to vary: "I want you to take out the trash." Which was at least more honest, to "I need you to take out the trash." It wasn't really a need, not like I couldn't do it myself-no one was going to die if the trash wasn't taken out.

The thing is, over the last few years specifically, I feel my parenting style and expectations have changed dramatically and it was inspired by the challenges and struggles I've had within my marriage. Learning what healthy boundaries look like (*self* control not *others* control) and implementing them have had the greatest impact on my parenting and expectations of my kids.

God doesn't force us to choose Him as our Lord and Savior. He doesn't force us to receive His gift of grace. We are completely free to reject Him. Therefore, He also never forces us to obey Him. We have the freedom to choose. There are positive and negative consequences for every choice we make in our lives.

I have found the same goes for the parent-child relationship and obedience. These days my language looks more like this (when I'm on my game anyway-come on, I'm not perfect!): "I'd appreciate it if you would take out the trash." It either gets done or it doesn't. The problem parents have, is when our will is not done. How to handle that?

I offer positive and negative consequences, just like real life! I reason with my kids and speak to them as reasonable human beings, capable of considering the 'evidence' and making a well informed decision. IF they follow instructions, they enjoy privileges. If not, they lose privileges. Tasks are required to be fulfilled to the best of their ability. I remind them these are life skills...just like I can not go to work and do a shoddy, half @$$ job and expect to get paid my full, agreed upon wages, neither can they! I can't disrespect my boss and expect to continue working there.

Here's the thing--> I CAN choose to still do shoddy work and disrespect my boss, anyone can choose to behave in any way, form, or fashion they want...because we do not control anyone! However, as stated above, there are consequences to negative choices, just as there are for positive ones. I agreed to a certain amount of pay for a certain amount and level of work--not done equals not paid! Simple.

My children CAN choose to NOT do what I want them to do. I often remind them {and myself} if I have used language to the contrary: "You have to take out the trash-wait, let me rephrase that, you don't have to take out the trash but I'd appreciate it if you took out the trash. The choice is yours. There will be consequences for either choice you make." Of course they are aware of the consequences.

The real challenge is my response when I am not getting what I want, even as a parent. How I respond when my children are not doing what I want them to do, is crucial. The bottom line is: CONTROL! I DO NOT *control* my children or any other human on the planet except myself--and sometimes I fail at that! I think this will have a great impact on their view of God and relationship with him, first as a father and later as a friend, lover, mentor, etc. I don't believe God ever attempts to *control* us.

The same way God did not create us as automatons, incapable of individualized thoughts-because that is not what He wanted-I want my children to do right because they believe and know it's right, to obey because they want to, not out of fear or due to force. Even use of force requires an act of submission at some point. I don't want my children's submission to be based on a fear. I don't want my children to grow up thinking they can or have the right to attempt to control anyone either.

Life has no guarantees. Neither does parenting. It's a long process and maybe there's a learning curve for some of you...and for the rest of us, we're winging it. With fear and trembling...haha.

Happy Parenting! 

Developing Patience While Giving Up Control

Patience, yah, yah, yah. It's easy to become impatient most days. All is well until something isn't going your way. When it involves parenting, I am learning more and more, it's less about controlling your children and more about being patient with them.

When I was a younger parent, my understanding (and teaching I received) was that the point was to get your children to obey you. If you did X, enough times or forcefully enough, they would eventually know to obey. Of course, they would love and respect you all the more.

As I have grown as a person and a parent, I realize we control no one. My children are not robots, they are free thinkers and they are free to choose how they respond to me and anyone else. I have made it clear, there are consequences to every choice, good and bad.

Some days they make better choices and others...they don't. Just as I do and don't. What is a parent to do when a child is having an uncooperative day? It's funny that we call them uncooperative, they could very easily call us uncooperative. It's the truth, isn't? We are not doing what our child wants us to do, whatever that may be in their mind at the time. Who is really being uncooperative here?

We are the adults, we naturally have more life experience. Yes, my six year old must learn to read and that learning requires he read aloud to me for a minimum amount of time. When he does not want to follow my instructions, nothing I do can force him to. Sure, I can give a swat, reason with him, try to cajole or bribe him, raise my voice or any other number of methods to convince him that my way is the right way.

Maybe one of those attempts will work. Maybe they won't. Until they do though, it is still my responsibility to remain patient. See how that works?  He is another human being with his own will, thoughts, ideas and preferences. I can have perfectly logical and good reasons for him to do what I want. To himself, he may have his own set of reasons that make perfect sense to him, why he should have things his way.

We say, Lord, give me patience. Another responds: don't pray for patience, or you will be tested on it. Okay, that is just nonsense! One fruit of the Holy Spirit IS patience. Either you have it or you don't...or...

If we believe we have the Holy Spirit living within us we will produce proof, in the form of good fruit. Here's the thing though, fruit doesn't magically appear. It takes time to blossom, and grow. You may have fruit that is not in season or ripe yet. We can develop the fruit of the spirit over time!

It's a constant pruning and nurturing to develop good fruit. The more opportunities we have to exhibit patience, the more that virtue will grow within us. How freeing! Every time another person isn't doing what I want (if we're honest, that is what it always comes down to) I have the opportunity to practice patience. In that time of practicing, perhaps, I will change instead. Perhaps I will come to see a new or different perspective I did not see before. However, if I continue to demand MY way, whether this is in parenting, marriage, friendship, at work or ministry, I have quenched potential fruit, and possibly bruised a relationship or a relationship in the making.

As a parent (or any human being really) I must be willing to give up the attempt to control others. I must allow others the freedom to make mistakes, even big ones, and allow them to handle the consequences of those choices. If the choice made produces negative consequences, we then have the opportunity to extend grace and help those we care about navigate through the consequences. It's a wonderful beauty to be part of this process.

God never leaves us alone and I don't believe He expects us to instantly get everything right, every time. His love does not change for us because we have made the wrong choice. He gives us options and encourages us to make good choices but He never forces us. He reasons with us, through His Word, gives warnings and shows us through the many examples of those who have gone before us, possible outcomes of our choices. We are though, always free to make our own choice.

He shows the ultimate patience and grace with us, sometimes waiting our entire lives, for us to call out to Him for help. I can do the same with my child in any given moment or with others I love and care about. He has given us all we need, it is up to us to reach out and access it. It's up to nurture the good fruit within to produce right when it is needed.

A child or anyone else, who is not cooperating, doesn't need more force coming against them, what they need, is more patience, grace and love. To be honest, it's probably what I need in that very same moment as well. 

No, you can't fix it momma...

It's a harsh moment of grief when your children tell you they would like you to 'move on' and 'get involved' (meaning fall in love and get married) with someone new, not for your own happiness but for theirs. So they could feel loved instead of rejected, feel financially supported instead of lack.

My heart breaks.

It's one thing to carry your own burden of hurt but when you see your children hurting, it's an unstoppable ache.

I know that desire. The feeling of being unwanted regardless of how much love and acceptance surrounded me. Nothing could satisfy the longing that plagued my heart from the biological connection that never was.

The emptiness that formed and shaped my self prescribed identity.

Now, as a mother, I know that nothing on earth can fill that emptiness, not a man, a lover, a father or husband.

It's a God gap we all carry.

It manifests in different forms and we create a word or a blame for it. Maybe it was daddy or mommy, husband or wife, maybe it was grandma or a different type of unspeakable trauma...that left us battle worn and gun shy. Feeling lost and alone at times, still a trembling little kid in a cynical adult body.

We don't realize when we're young usually. At least I didn't. It was that ignorance that got me here, I think.

I was sure my marriage and family would be my happily ever after. 

Not, instead, a series of before and afters.

I can't fill the holes in their hearts myself. I could try and burden myself with guilt, shame, regret, distraught over my never ending efforts. Only to come the same conclusion...There's nothing I can do. I am not the great healer. How I wish I was. I wish I could fix it all. I wish I could love the emptiness out of them. Love the pain away.

My fractured love would only be a temporary band-aid at best.

My tears flow for all of us.

Not because I feel the situation is hopeless, but because I feel it deeply too. I feel the pain for all of us. The grief is real. Loss is real. Trauma is real.

We're all carrying it, looking for the answers, often in the wrong places, creating what feels like, a bigger mess than before.

We're looking for black and white, and creating a mash-up in shades of grey.

It won't work.

I can say that I believe God.

I trust Him.

He is the only perfect Father.

The perfect One.

The perfect everything.

I have seen Him work in my children's hearts and lives.

He produces good fruit.

He is the only one who could heal our hurts.

Heal our hearts.

How I wish it was as easy as finding a new man, a new father, a new lover.

I had a father. A good one too.

He wasn't the one.

He loved and accepted me, while in my mother's womb, and yet...

My heart still yearned for the one that wasn't there.

As Christ knelt in that garden crying, "Abba, Father..." (Mark 14:36)

Our hearts still cry out, "Take this from me!"

Though often, in silence.

He knew our longing to feel close.

It starts there, with the Father.

God is the good Father.
There is none other like Him.
He hears you momma.
He hears your children.
He is not far from you.

I don't have to fix it and neither do you.

Our attempts would be mediocre at best.

I leave it in His hands.

I will show my children that someone else, is not the answer, and never will be. It's a grief that needs to be felt, even deep. Through it, glory is revealed. I don't know how or when. I only know God is the answer. Another man, lover or husband is not going to make all my, or their, pain go away. If it could, my family wouldn't be where it is today.

Nothing can satisfy.

Pursue God, momma, with all that is in you, or even just a fraction of what is in you, if that is all you have. Pursue Him and keep pressing forward. You will win this race and you will finish well.

When Mom Needs a Time Out

I turned the cold water on full blast, hoping to mask my uncontrollable and desperate sobs. I could hear angry stomping and crying outside the bathroom door from at least one of my kids, adding to my misery. 

Since the water is on, I might as well get in.

I sat on the edge of the tub and plunged my feet into the cold water. Tempers were raging, confusion filled my thoughts. Resting my head in my hands and my elbows on my knees, I prayed; 

How do I get out of this mess? How did we even get here? Lord, please make it clear. What do I do now?

I considered sitting in the tub completely except I felt that would have been over the top dramatic and ridiculous. The cold water was refreshing and produced the desired affect as my brain began to clear. I literally began to emotionally cool down and could think straight again. No, all hope was not lost. I, we, could move forward from this moment in time. This horrible moment that felt like we couldn't ever recover from. 

A simple instruction had turned into a yelling and screaming match. Plans cancelled, frustrations building, everyone hurt and angry in the end.

When we posed and took this picture, a foam heart showed up.

I called them into the bathroom with me. Hurt and anger pained their faces. "Put your feet in the tub."

They obliged.

With out explanation, excuse or blame, I took full ownership of my actions. I apologized for every thing I did wrong. I asked for their forgiveness, right there with all our feet in the tub. I affirmed how we all wanted to be heard more than listen and because we felt unheard, we couldn't listen. I asked for forgiveness with out expecting a request in return. I resolved in my heart, they owed me nothing.

I stopped talking and listened. With out interrupting, with out argument, with out trying to set the record straight, I simply sat...staring at the toys floating in our bath tub pool, listening to their words, feelings, frustrations and eventually fears.

One of them spoke for both of them. Finally, though reluctantly, the other spoke, of fears deeper and greater than what had transpired over the last 60 minutes. The heart opened and the tears spilled out. The pressures, the fear of not being good enough, the desire to not have to feel responsible but be allowed to remain a child. The pent up burden of unwanted transition and change was released.

The cooling water continued to bathe our feet and miraculously sooth our heavy hearts. The rushing stream from the faucet moved the toys and odds and ends around.

The heat of the escalation had cooled. I couldn't take back anything that happened. I couldn't fix or change it. It can't unhappen. All I could do was admit the fault and sit right in it, hoping to move forward, reiterating my need, as much as theirs, for grace and Jesus.

I had no solutions but in that blink, water was the answer.

Sometimes you have to let it flow, stick your feet in, as ridiculous as it seems, and have a family meeting in the bathtub. 

Friday Hike Day: Monrovia Canyon Falls

Here are examples of the environment and the trail.

This hike was more challenging than expected. It was a hot day, though the trail has some shade, it is all uphill. I would not call this stroller friendly. Carry your child on your back in a back pack type carrier. Some parts of the trail are narrow and slippery. 

30 ft waterfall

Over all the trail is dry and dusty. There is a bit of water along the way, but the trail is not always close to it and the stream is very small...I suspect as a direct result of the drought.

The waterfall is pretty, but empties into a shallow puddle that flows to the stream you would have seen all along the trail. Parking is $5 for Monrovia Canyon Park. You can, and we did, park about .5 mile down the road in a residential area for free (read signs, watch for street sweeping days). There is also one restroom at the base of the park, first parking lot. (There may be more at the nature center.) There is also a drinking fountain with a pet fountain next to the ranger station, at the same parking lot. The water comes out hot and takes a while to cool off but it does eventually. 

I couldn't resist. Neither could my partner in crime...backbend/wheel pose on a log.
It definitely required me to let go of fear.

The park boasts a nature center. I believe it is farther up the road but we started the hike at the first marker and never found the nature center. Though I suspect we almost found it on the way back, when we took a wrong turn. 

The trail from the first parking lot is about 1.5 miles. ALL uphill remember. There are a few wooden beams...I though these were supposed to work as steps but I realize on the way down, that I think they are to help you keep from slipping.

We saw a deer and her fawn over the fence along the Sawpit Dam Trail, on the way up to the park. We also saw lizards but mountain lions and bears are a real concern...there are warning signs.

The narrow trails and stream crossings lend to a bit of adventurous feel and the steep climb scores points on the adventure scale. Over all, this was a beautiful hike and great work out. 

Friday Hike Day: Thurman Flats Picnic Area {revisited}, Mentone

Yes, it was THAT gorgeous!

This week we returned to Thurman Flats, the same place we went last week. This time I did NOT lock my keys in the car. Haha. We had more time to explore. Instead of following the stream downward, we went upward this time. The kids came upon this sort of man-made pool. The stream had shallow swimming holes every so often, but this one had a plastic tarp like piece of plastic over the small rock wall, creating a dam, thus producing the pool.

The water was so beautiful, nice and clear. We could not believe it. It was mostly shallow all along the edge, except for the very middle, which went to about our waists.

It didn't stop us from jumping in and of course it didn't stop all our Adventure Kids.

No one wanted to leave when it was time. The kids swam the entire afternoon. 

After posting the first pic on Instagram, many people asked where we were at and what the hike was like. This wasn't much of a hike, honestly. The picture above gives an idea of the terrain. Rocky but flat. No big hills or boulders to climb over. There are a few creek crossings. 

Adventure Moms

Of course we jumped in too. We have a video on Facebook, of course. The water was a bit shockingly cold. But none the less fun. It was quite a relaxing afternoon.

More terrain pictures. The water was shallow and if we didn't mind getting our feet wet, we could have just walked in it to get across. 

Above is another example of the terrain...a stream crossing. Reminder: parking requires a one day $5 Adventure Pass. There is a picnic area to the side of the parking lot with lots of tables and benches and also vault toilets. They are maintained but...just don't look down inside.  

I am so glad we went back. The kids swam the entire time and no one wanted to leave. I don't know how long that man made pool will remain...take advantage while you can. 

Friday Hike Day: Palos Verdes Estates Shoreline Preserve-Palos Verdes

This was another semi-local hike. The trail is semi-stroller friendly since it's flat dirt with little rocks in the beginning. Once you get tot he beach though, as you can see in the pix, it's ALL rocks.

There is no restroom at all. Parking is free along a residential street. It's not far from civilization, so you can easily make a stop at a local grocery store, a  few minutes before.

We created a bit of adventure by heading straight down the cliffs, along a more possibly treacherous path. I've got older kids and we are always careful. The path IS slippery though. We are not too prideful to sit and slide on our bums, when necessary.

I intentionally allow my kids to take calculated risks. I encourage them to take the trails less traveled. I don't want them taking the well worn path out of fear. I encourage them to explore a bit, within the limits *I* am comfortable with. Sometimes that means climbing a little higher than I am comfortable with, or taking the narrow slippery trail.

I believe they learn healthy limits, grow in confidence and humility,  and build the ability to problem. I encourage humility as opposed to arrogance by making safe choices.

We sat on one of the rocky plains to eat our lunch and listen to the sound of crashing waves, breathing in the salty winds.

There is supposed to be a ship wreck if you keep walking far enough. We didn't go very far so we didn't find it.

We collected bits of sea glass and admired the crystals formed within some of the rocks. The environment and brush is fairly drab and brown. The rocks can be slippery so use caution while walking along the shore.

The cliff edges can be crumbly and not very strong to hold on to. You can't beat a gorgeous view of the ocean though, right? It's good to mix it up occasionally. Since there's not really any place to sit and sunbath, nor can you really swim too much with all the rocks, it wasn't very crowded when we went.

We did notice a few snorkelers. The tide pools were pretty empty. No sea stars or anemones, just a few crabs.

It was a nice day. But then again, any day is a great day for a Friday Hike Day!

Four Ways to Ease the Tension When Your Child Is Having a *Moment*

I am sure I have mentioned our *shake it off* routine --works TREMENDOUSLY well for *transitional* periods, like from ncp to cp!

SHAKE it off/out
HUG it out
BREATH it out
TICKLE it out

I did this with my 6yo when he came back from being with dad and *immediately* started whining!!! I actually did ALL of them! lol

Instead of barking at him, becoming frustrated (for the millionth time) I gave him a big hug and  said: Your whining is indicating to me you are not feeling %100 right now. {I said this while hugging him.} Do you need to hug it out? Or breath it out--then we did hands to heart center & took a few deep breathes--I smiled and said OR do you need to TICKLE it out!?! And began tickling him. He laughed it out. 

Whew! Crisis averted. He proceeded to the back yard, happily doing who knows what--as he often goes & does--he loves the outdoors. 

Peace restored!!! 

SHAKE it off/out: go the porch and vigorously shake the entire body, all the limbs, say a few words about leaving whatever happened previously *behind* and *outside* declare your home a place of peace and love.

HUG it out: embrace in a FULL body hug. Squeeze tight. Stay physically connected for at least a a couple breathes.

BREATHE it out: {hands to heart center} Slowly raise hands above head while taking a deep breath until they meet. Keeping the palms touching bring them down in front of chest/heart. Hold. Repeat at least 3 times, taking your time.

TICKLE it out: {self explanatory, right?} Smile big & tickle your child. Enjoy a moment to relax & laugh boisterously.

YOU know your child. YOU know what they need and what will work. An angry child may not respond positively to tickling. A sick child may not be capable of shaking it out. A whiny child may just need a hug and to be reminded how smart they are. Of course, the articulate child may be fine just *talking it out* but even my older children often need a *physical trigger* to disconnect and switch gears in their attitude (or as we like to call it: BADitude!).

These also work well for MOMMAS and other adults. 

Collecting Acorns

It's the mundane, ordinary, nothing-special, looking moments.
You're on the lawn, gathering acorns, sifting through the dirt, dead leaves, avoiding the split and cracked ones...when a heart opens. Conversation ensues.

We're not meant to entertain our kids constantly. It can't be Disneyland every day. It can be togetherness. It can be quiet opportunities of time. We don't have to complicate it.

An opportunity with nothing pressing and no agenda, except to be...together...sitting in dirt, collecting acorns.

Broken Glass, Fragile Hearts

Glass breaks...so do hearts. Equally fragile, unequally valuable

Your kids will make mistakes, hey, maybe they'll even be careless and reckless. How you respond is *crucial*. An angry or impatient response only teaches a child you are not to be trusted or safe when they find themselves in trouble, in a situation-even of their own making-they don't know how to get out of, or have made a mistake they can't fix alone.

Be gracious. Help them figure out solutions, how to manage consequences and failures, with out condemnation. Accidents happen.

Broken glass is replaceable,  a heart isn't.