Hide & Seek

Playing a major game of hide & seek & 6yo hasn't even looked in the closet yet!

It's a Sunday afternoon...this seemed like a good idea. SO I hid in my closet and all the other kids hid while the youngest was outside in the back yard. I hollered at him to come in the house. 

He won't look in the closet! 

He kept coming into my room and looking on my bed, but not once looked in the closet. He returned to the back yard and oldest snuck  out to spy on him from the roof.

I finally had to have uncle/my brother call and tell him to *look in the closet*! Lol

He was just about to lose it crying from not being able to find me or anyone else. He walked into my room So many times and I still can't believe he never looked in the closet. Every time he left, I would holler again, for him to come in the house. It was fun while it lasted. 

Easter, Medieval Times and Goodbye for Now!

My youngest's birthday also fell on Easter Sunday this year and for the third year in a row, my oldest was leaving to the Philippines for a short term mission. It was a full day ahead but I couldn't help but at least make myself a new dress...Sunday morning right before church!

Oldest was preaching and started his message by blessing and speaking into the heart of youngest in honor of his birthday. It was the sweetest thing ever!

This seems to be how our family pictures go lately. I take what I can. haha.

For the afternoon celebrations, we surprised Kurtis with tickets to Medieval Times, dinner and show. Out of the blue, a few weeks ago he said he wanted to go. I wasn't sure if I could afford it, but being the frugal mom I am, I searched the internet for a deal and found a great discount.

I indulged him a little by purchasing an extra knighting package-the king knights him in front of everyone and announces his birthday during the show.

It was a splurge, but that's what birthdays are for right?

In between the time oldest needed to be at the airport and our celebrations at Medieval Times...we didn't do much but lounge around the house waiting. So I made a quick photo opp with free photo prop printables I found online and a green checkered piece of fabric.

It was a fun way to kill some time and capture a few Easter memories.

It was finally time to say goodbye. For the third year in a row, we drove to LAX-Tom Bradley International Airport to see oldest off to a short term mission trip in the Philippines.

Though I am used to it, I did feel a bit weepy this time.

I knew we weren't really saying goodbye...but it always requires some sort of faith and trust in God anyway. I never truly know what God may be asking of us. Often, He does ask His people to let go, in unexpected ways.

In trust I say, "See you soon son."

Day Trip to Big Bear Lake

It was a gorgeous day so I thought,  'Why not?' 

Yes, there were chores to do, work to get caught up on...but why waste a day inside when we could be outdoors? 

On a whim I suggested it to oldest and invited his girlfriend to come along. It seemed like a great idea at 11:00 AM...by 1:00 pm we were all in the car and on our way. Yah, two hours later.

The drive wasn't bad. We arrived and were happy to see a few spots of snow still on the ground. Who am I kidding? Kurtis, the 5yo, was ecstatic! One of his life dreams this year was to see snow and I was the one to take him.





It wasn't cold at all. It was wonderful weather. There were bits of snow right along the beach of the lake, in the shade of boulders of course. We didn't even need sweatshirts or jackets, it was comfortably warm.

It was a great day to be outdoors. The kids were able to experience making snow balls with their bare hands--yes, that was definitely cold. haha.

It was strange to have snow on the sand of the beach, at the same time. THIS is the type of snow day this Southern California girl could handle. 

Sam made the first snow ball! We ate the lunch we brought with us at Boulder Park, Big Bear Lake. It's a lovely setting and there were plenty of people enjoying the views and the park.

And this is what it looks like when I try to take a groupie with the timer! Seriously. There were other people waiting so I felt pressured. But hey! This IS the real us.

It was such a warm day, of course I was wearing flip flops. I am a Southern California girl, after all. This is a snow day I can handle!

After eating lunch, we spent the afternoon walking along the main strip of Big Bear Village. I bought the kiddos each an ice cream and we window shopped and enjoyed being away from home for a little while.

We pulled over to the side of the road on our way down the mountain so the kids and Kurtis specifically could play in the snow. A snow ball fight ensued. He loved it. The temperature was dropping quickly, we were on the shady side, so I waited in the van while they played. Haha.

It was still warmer at home, when we returned in the evening, then when we were leaving the mountain.

I'd like to go back soon, as Kurtis really wanted to see the museum and the zoo but they were closed by the time we found where they were located.

International Womens Day

My maternal grandmother was born into a time where she didn't even have the right to vote...and lived to see that change. 

Later, after her husband died, leaving her with two young daughters to raise, she became a single-working-mom, when it was a rare position to be in.

I come from a line of strong women, forced by circumstance to exhibit that strength in unexpected ways. I hope and pray to be that same example of reliable strength for my daughter and sons. I am grateful for and honor the women who came before me, so I could have the freedoms and rights I have today.

May we continue to fight the good fight until all women around the world experience these same freedoms, rights and protections.

Even in my postmodern life, I have been told there were things I could not do or be, simply because I am female. 

My paternal grandmother always told me, "You can be anything you want, if you know how to read."

May we also remember and fight for the rights of women everywhere who are not even allowed such a basic skill, as learning to read. 

That one time...

Remember that one time my 14yo got so upset he stormed out of the house at 10pm with out telling anyone where he was going, and we called a search party of parents, youth pastor Sean, leader Alberto and big brother Ern while his other siblings shed crocodile tears? Oh wait-that was last night!

And shall forever be known as: "That one time Sam ran away...to Target!!!"

Too soon?


Yes. That happened. He's seems to be the most melo-dramatic one of the four, so far. Sigh. This sweet, funny, emotional, fourteen year old man-child. Bird was so upset. It completely triggered a feeling of abandonment in her. "How could he just leave!?! How could he leave me? He's my best friend. I go to him for everything, the one I can talk to!"

Ern, oldest, had circled the neighborhood a few times and was unable to locate him. He suggested I let youth Pastor Sean know and he was kind enough to come over to help search. I felt obligated to call the Mr. I didn't want to, honestly, for fear it would in some way, be used against me. I put my personal hesitations aside and called him, out of respect as his father, at least. He joined the search to find him.

I noticed I had received a cryptic and dramatic text from the boy...indicating he was someplace with free wifi since he does not have a cell phone, only an Ipod. The Mr. found him at Target and promptly brought him home. The 14yo told me later, he was just wandering the toy aisles, looking at all the toys.

What a perfect picture for a 14 year old, caught within the frustration between boyhood and manhood. Wanting to be independent but required to submit to the daily rigors of schoolwork, chores and mom.

I, of course, felt like a complete failure. I'm doing this alone. Even after all this time, it shocks me sometimes, the responsibility of parenting alone. I don't know what the right thing to do or respond always is. Should I have not chased after him and simply expected he'd come home when he was hungry or cold or at least when Target closed? Did that just feed into his pity party? Should I have gone easier on him in the first place when I was reprimanding him before he stormed out? Is he just doing this to be dramatic and get attention or is he really feeling unloved, neglected and abandoned too? 

I don't know the answers to these questions but the questions themselves, weigh heavy on me, daily. It's ALL on me. I'm the one making the parenting decisions. I'm the one meting out consequences, ultimatums, making the decision to ground someone or not. I'm the one having to decide when to exert an extra measure of grace or push a little harder.

And sometimes, I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to have FUN! I want everyone to be happy and carefree. I want to ditch the rules and responsibilities too. I'm tired of having to choose if situations warrant me playing good cop or bad cop that day. I don't want to be any cop. I don't want to feel stressed and overwhelmed. I'm tired of worrying about feeling I'll get blamed for everything if I make a wrong decision.

I'm tired of trying to teach my sons how to be honorable and respectable men of integrity. I'm tired of trying to teach my daughter what to look for in a man, what a respectable, honorable man of integrity looks like...just by my words and warnings, with out a living example for myself, to SHOW them!!!

Don't get me wrong, we know men of integrity. But there is a huge difference between knowing someone and having a daily, living and breathing man in the home, teaching by example. I like to think I have it all together and my kids will turn out just fine--like the Mr. insists. Moments like last night though, make it glaringly obvious that everything is NOT ok. I do NOT have it all together. My children DO have wounded hearts and sometimes is shows.

The only saving grace I can give myself...is my trust in God. That He is caring for all of us, come what may. He hears my prayers and the cries of my heart. I know all hope is not lost and our life is pretty great, considering. But these moments...aaahhhh...they challenge hope for sure. So for now, I make light and poke fun at the ridiculousness of my 14yo running away...to Target! 

More Hiking Monday

 We've been to this trail before, a few years ago and I didn't like it that much. It was too dry & brown. So I wasn't too thrilled about going today but I definitely wanted to get away in nature and hang out with family from out of town.

I was very pleasantly surprised at how lovely and green it was. We hiked to the top of the first hill and the view was spectacular. We took time to sit and have some snacks. I realized I could see the cemetery and the area my mom is buried, in the distance beyond the canyon. At one point I laid on the ground to just breathe it all in. I needed to be centered and try to still my unsettled heart.

It was definitely not an easy hike. Uphill all the way to the first hill. I can't wait to go back for one of our next Friday Hike Days! Plus it was fairly local, Sycamore Canyon in Whittier.

The Road to Freedom

Wow...the road away from dysfunction and toward health is hard and painful...very painful at times. Having such hard talks with my kids this weekend...You know the path to healing requires honesty-admitting what is or has been broken.

Walking around with a broken leg, insisting you don't need a doctor and all is well...only exacerbates the problem and leaves you with an improperly healed leg...a permanent disability.

It's painful to admit what we have been through...it requires admitting that we have been hurt at times...physically, emotionally, mentally.  I made mistakes and didn't protect them how I should have. Didn't protect myself. I was confused. I didn't take some situations serious enough...

I can't go back and change the past. We are finally brave enough to be honest with ourselves and each other and admit help is needed. It wounds deeply, it sux beyond measure.
If we remain dishonest. then we block forgiveness and healing. We must admit offenses that have been perpetrated against us so that we can engage in forgiveness. To deny an offense, is to deny true forgiveness. When we release forgiveness, we open our heart to healing and allow love to come where only pain held the space before. There is where we find freedom!

I am taking one step at a time...this is the step we were strong enough to take this weekend----> Honesty.

Family

Family night
Family vacations
Family time
Family is everything
Everyone wants our Family
Everyone loves our Family
Christmas picture of the family at the Grand Canyon.
It's just a big hole.

Boundaries For Love = Self-Control

"This is not a good time to talk. I don't know what to think. I think you should leave. I am not in a good place right now. This is not a good time." My heart was racing, my hands trembling as I tried to concentrate on keeping my arms from appearing to flail wildly while I spoke.

The Mr. had shown up at the door unexpectedly yesterday, to do some damage control with our kids after we were all exposed to some hurtful information about him. He refused to leave...

Everything escalated after that, though I believe none of us truly wanted it to. I don't regret anything I said, because I spoke truth but I was too frustrated and wasted too many words that were not received and didn't want to be heard. Pearls to swine...

I am still figuring out the whole healthy boundaries and relational health 'thing'. It doesn't come naturally to me yet.

While I feel and one could say my husband didn't respect my boundary-the truth is, I didn't. It's always about self control. I could have (and should have) removed *myself* from the situation.

I also realized I have done the same thing my husband did many times...He has expressed in tense moments, that he didn't want to talk-and while there was some rejection and avoidance at play there, it never went well nor did it build trust to not respect the limit he was trying to convey.

Controlling ourselves with boundaries is not meant as punishment or emotional manipulation like the 'silent treatment'. It's meant to preserve our love and prevent damage to relationship.

My path to healing and relational health involves leading my children along this path with me. The Mr. ended up giving them permission and respecting their desire for 'space' (a healthy boundary) after yesterday's upset. The middles long for relationship with their dad but not at the cost of their own emotional health, well being and personal value system. They have decided they are OK talking on the phone to him when he calls but not hanging out with him.

When we create space, teach our children their worth which includes valuing their feelings, how to adequately manage them and use self control, they can then feel confident to recognize and stand up for their own boundaries/limits and learn to safely disengage from mistreatment.

We were able to convey that we all love, respect and forgive my husband and he is free to continue on this negative path along with the consequences of that choice, which includes a lack of intimate and close relationship with us, his family. He did not like that nor want it, he wants it *all* with out consequence...but surprisingly, so far, he accepted their decision. He also tried to reassure *them* of his love, though his actions convey only *self love*. We all accepted his choice as well.

We all, including the Mr, looked a bit battle worn today. The Mr was subdued and possibly remorseful and humbled as he came to get the kids. Only the 5yo went with him. I suspect this is affecting him, as in the past he would have approached arrogantly and upbeat, as if nothing had happened.

Sigh.

Keep pursuing healthy love and healing.

In Memorium: Alien

My father-in-law
was an alien.
I remember when he took his citizenship test.
I still couldn't relate to him.
He became a saint when he died
Now I recognize him even less
Though I see his hand print on everyone
He's a permanent resident in their heart
They put his skeletons in the closet.
I don't think he fits in there, either.

Everything is OK

I started my too early morning, greeted by hundreds of ants, invading my kitchen sink. I sprayed them down, ignoring that creepy-crawly feeling all over my skin, then plodded my way to the bathroom. I stepped on an extra wet towel near the sink cabinet that I knew should not have been so wet.

Sure enough, water was over flowing out from under the newly replaced sink, pipes and cabinet. 'Newly replaced' after the faucet exploded on the 4th of July, shooting up high enough to blow out the light bulb that still has not been replaced. The towel was on the floor, over flowing from our laundry basket, spilling out into the small hallway because of a reoccurring and unresolved plumbing issue in our laundry room preventing us from doing laundry regularly. The laundry room plumbing connects to our kitchen sink, causing it to drain only sometimes and when the water from the washer isn't backing up into it, producing a very narrow window when I can actually wash dishes. That narrow window is not long enough for me to complete a full sink load of dishes at a time and I can only do dishes during day light hours because the kitchen light also burned out and I keep forgetting to replace it...until it's dark again!

Five humans live in this house. One meal is a sink load. Five days or more with out doing laundry...is disastrous.

Along with this, is the fact that my adventure van is sounding and running like a lawnmower, spewing strong fumes into it so that we have to drive with all the windows open just so we can slightly breathe.

This could all sound so horrible and awful and make any mom want to go back to bed and stay there. I could have gotten angry. Given in to agitation. I could whine and complain about how terrible my life is, all day.

None of that would be true though. Sure, it's inconvenient. Last week a drawer face broke off, as someone tried to open it. Just snapped right off one side.

None of this will last forever though. Nothing ever does, good or bad. Everything will be fixed eventually. We did get a brand new water heater, after the old one had been continuously leaking and running for months after we found out. We're renters in this home and we have a good deal.

My side kitchen garden is really thriving and looks so lovely even though earlier in the week I had to pull out a mold diseased squash plant. It was a bummer but everything else is still looking good. The garden looks beautiful and lovely with it's mix of edible herbs, vegetables and wild flowers.

I can choose to focus on the FEW things wrong in my life right now. I choose to focus on the temporary nature of EVERYTHING in my life right now. The plumbing will be fixed. We have more than enough clothes. I can wash dishes in increments. I own a plunger. The Mr. was helpful enough to try and readjust the restroom sink plumbing to prevent more over flow when he came to pick up the ktbunch. We shared a laugh. The ants died and more may or may not be back tomorrow but my 5yo thinks it's the funnest thing ever to get to "spray the spray" and kill them.

I have a rush custom baby bloomer order to fulfill today that put some cash in my back pocket. I have a lovely family. I have a great sense of humor. I have a great job opportunity I'm starting, that is challenging and loaded with potential. Life is ALWAYS good. I really have no reason to get down. My live is lovely and beautiful and sometimes inconvenient which makes for fun stories and possible blog posts and laughter and snarky, sarcastic comments to process.

Life is going to end sooner than any of us will ever want. There may be painful moments. There will be lots of fabulous moments. I choose to not waste any more time focused on the negative or what is 'wrong' with it. I may share and let you in on some of it but a bad moment does not make for a bad day...or a bad life.

This is how my family not only survives but thrives.
Smile on.

Like Old Times

It could have almost felt like old times if not for that last moment the Mr. walked around the table giving each individual kid a kiss and hug with an 'I Love You,' before he left to return to work...stopping short to offer a 'see you later' in MY direction. 

He specifically asked what our plans were for S's birthday yesterday...and asked if we could meet him for lunch so he could see Sam on is birthday since he might have to work late, missing his 'visitation' (gosh how I despise that word!). He forgot Sam's birthday card so he also asked me to take them all by his work so he could give it to him. I stayed in the car but I knew he would walk the kids back out anyway, to say goodbye.

I maintained my SELF. As it's sometimes confusing to know just how to behave in these unknown situations, isn't it? So I smiled and listened to him talk about his morning at work...I keep the appropriate guard over my own heart until it's time to 'awaken love' per God's instructions in Song of Solomon. 

'...and they all enjoyed their lunch, as if they were an ordinary, happy family, on an ordinary, summer day...as their smiles hid the invisible ache of their hearts.'

Happy Birthday

He was our 1st restoration baby, though I didn't know he would be the 'first'. I was so unsure of trusting my husband again...our oldest was 7.5 by the time this second son was born...I can STILL remember being in our new home, back together and feeling so self-conscious...

"Come sit by me," he called from the living room. I felt like I should finish the dishes first to keep every thing clean the way he liked, trying to impress...

He wanted me to spend time with him, sit with him...I walked over and he pulled me down on his lap. I always loved sitting on his lap.

He wanted us to grow our family. Maybe we were finally ready. I expected it would happen so quickly like our first. It took 10 disappointing months. We didn't find out the gender. Oldest son prayed for and was sure it would be a boy.

We changed his name at the last minute...as I read about Hannah, from the Bible. The Mr wanted to use his grandfather's name, as our child's middle name. I did not like the name Angel but I said ok if he would let me have the name Samuel. We agreed. 

We started attending a new church. We were moving forward and every day we were further away from the past. I met another mom in the church cry room with a daughter the same age as our Samuel...she was a single mother... her daughter's father, which was now her past, was a married man.

There we were. The place where broken people go to be restored, healed, and transformed. Bringing our broken pieces, broken lives, broken hearts, along with the hope we carried in and birthed from our womb.

Here we are. He's 14 today. My heart is filled with the bittersweet sighs of yesterday and the longing for the uncertain hope for tomorrow.

Nice vs Love

"Sometimes he acts like he loves you and sometimes he doesn't!" My daughter said, mirroring my own frustration with her father, my estranged husband.

A red flag went up, activating my mother's intuition and internal warning system. "In what ways does he act loving?" I asked, as questions began to riddle my brain. What impression had I been giving my 11yo daughter about love? What had I been teaching her? Was the behavior she had been witnessing between her father and I, an adequate and accurate description of love?

"Well, he comes and hangs out sometimes, he gives you a hug sometimes and he's nice sometimes..." her voice trailed off.

Is that all she will look for and expect of her own future husband? Is 'being nice sometimes' all it will take to convince her that she is loved? A vision bomb went off and the internal veil of neediness and codependency was lifted. Hopefully, it wasn't too late to be honest with her...and myself.

"Honey, that isn't love, that is just being nice. Lots of people may be nice to you, but that doesn't mean they love you. A mommy and daddy that love each other hold hands, they sit next to each other and snuggle while they watch movies-not on opposite sides of the room. Husbands don't get up and walk away every time their wife tries to sit next to them. And most of all, they don't live in separate homes. Yes, your daddy IS nice to me sometimes, but being nice doesn't equal love...it's just being nice."

I went on to share some of Corinthians definition of love with her.

We must be honest with ourselves here. If we claim God's standard for our lives, this includes being honest, whatever the painful cost. What a disservice we do to our children if we're lowering love to the definition of being nice.

Love is sacrificial. Nice is not. I can't in good conscious, allow my daughter to grow up believing, just because a guy remembers  and brings her a favored candy, that it means he LOVES her. Love is faithful. I can't continue to act grateful and praise God that my husband brings me a bag of peanut m&m's while he goes every night to share an apt with someone else. What a gross misrepresentation and abuse of God's love and the standard He set forth in His Word.

Being nice is a common and basic form of human decency. There is nothing special about that. It is the lowest and most base expectation one can have of other humans we share this planet with.

I am keeping my vows, sacrificially, and that is an example of divine love. How dare we equate a move of God with common behavior as 'being nice'. What a devilish deception to embrace such dysfunction and call it a name of God, such as LOVE!

I will praise God for being God. I will pray for strength to continue to really love my husband, as defined in His word. What I won't do and I believe, must repent from, is being dishonest and calling or representing such deplorable behavior, as 'love'. Lying and telling myself, "My husband loves me, see, because he was *nice* to me today." No, that is untruth. All my husband was really doing, was being nice.

Being nice is selfish and has it’s own agenda. Love...divine love, which can only occur if the Spirit of God dwells within you, is selfless and seeks to gain nothing in return. Nothing. Love does not abuse others...or one's self. Let's embrace God's truth...and emotional health...and pray from that place of power...not from our dysfunctional weakness. ‪

Follow Up to the Investigator at My Door

After the 'traumatic incident' I called the office two times, but it's an automated number. I was on hold longer than I had time for and had to hang up. Then I called my husband--he called the number on the investigator's business card she left with me. He had to leave a message, offering to provide whatever proof they needed that he does not live here. He never received a call back.

The next day...I felt afraid to open my curtains. I ignored it and called the office three times. There was an automated message stating there was an unusually high volume of calls and all lines were busy, to hang up and try again later, then it automatically hung up on me. The following Monday, I called the automated service number again, was on hold for a little while until a general eligibility worker took my call. He really didn't have any answers for me and wrote up a message for the caseworker assigned to my case to call me back. She returned my call the very next day. She was vague and evasive.

"Is it proper procedure and protocol for someone to come to my home and demand to be let in, and then threaten me that my benefits will be stopped immediately and I will be sued if I don't let them in my home?"

"Well, if you don't comply, yes."

"So I don't have a right to privacy? She didn't have a warrant."

"But you didn't let her in."

"So are my benefits cut off right now?"

"If you don't comply they will be."

"But she threatened me and said they would be right then and there if I didn't let her in."

"But you didn't let her in."

"Are my benefits stopped then?"

"Well, if you don't show up to the interview and provide the requested documentation."

"But they aren't stopped right now?"

"Well, if you don't comply..."

"So she was lying? Is that how things are normally handled? Investigators come to the door, lie, threaten and try to intimidate people?"

We went around in circles as the case worker would never directly answer my questions. She let me know that I would receive an appointment notice in the mail, listing all the documentation I would need to bring with me to this 'interview'. She also told me I could speak to the investigator's supervisor if I wanted...and that she wasn't familiar with the fraud department's procedures. (funny, the general eligibility I spoke with initially said the same exact thing!)

I received the notice last Wednesday for my appointment this Wednesday, April 16 at 9:00 am--the day before my birthday. My heart dropped. This is real.

I AM BEING INVESTIGATED FOR WELFARE FRAUD.

The notice stated my husband must attend this appointment with me. I am sure his employer is going to love that. This is the list of documentation I am required to bring with me:

pay stubs for all employment
rent receipts
letter from Landlord (w/ Landlord's name & #)
school enrollment for ALL KIDS
statement from persons(s) who gave you loans or contributions
receipts from Child Support
utility bills
bank records from all accounts
automobile registration for all vehicles
Income tax statements
Income Tax from the past 2 years

This is serious. If I think about it too much I feel debilitated. It feels scary. I feel afraid at times. During the conversation with the case worker she implied that the investigator would not return to my home because it was 'unsafe' because I was "yelling" at her? That isn't true. Not at all. My kids were here--I wouldn't yell at someone on my porch with my kids here unless I or we were in serious physical danger!

That's the thing though. People can and will lie. That's what makes a situation like this feel so hopeless and helpless. It doesn't matter what the truth is, it only matters what they want to believe it is. Innocent people get charged and accused.

I want to run away. Or move away at least. Mexico is seriously sounding awesome right now...or the rapture--the rapture sounds even better. I can't run away though. This is something I must face on my own. No one can go through this FOR me. Like pregnancy and labor--there's no turning back and it's all going to happen--I can't stop it. Blaming anyone else won't help either. I refuse to even go down that path right now.

My heart is believing all will be well. My mind is recalling the stories I've heard of innocent people being jailed or penalized or sued.

I can't tell sometimes if I am under reacting or over reacting. I felt paralyzed and overwhelmed when I opened the appointment notice. I couldn't think straight. I don't know what I was supposed to do next. So I just sat there and cried and prayed and cried. I still had a life to live. Kids needed to be fed, school work needed to be done. I felt too afraid to leave my kids alone for any amount of time. I felt afraid to not have my home spotless and company ready. (which it never is!) I just wanted to go and stay in bed.

But no one is going to get all that documentation together FOR me. No one is going to feed my kids or get their {school} work-samples ready for the monthly meeting. I felt sick to my stomach and lost my appetite. My hands and feet, joints, have been hurting for weeks now and it got worse.

I fought and pushed through the feelings. My kids ate cold cereal, the sugary, sweetened, no nutritional value what-so-ever kind...and I let them. I got up out of bed and went to work out anyway. I did squats and lunges and jumps and planks and core holds, and it all felt harder and I sweated more than usual. Then I came home and sat on the couch, avoiding my bedroom to keep from crawling back into bed.  I smiled, posed for pictures, attended birthday parties and ate a lot of peanut M&M's. (don't hate!) I prayed, called others to pray, prayed more, cried and asked God to understand the prayers of my tears. It took a couple days but eventually I shook it off and was able to focus once again.

I need divine justice, as proven by the investigator's 'report', human justice is corrupt! I am trusting God in this. He is the only one who can help me-who will be reliable and faithful, who is ON my side! I know it will all work out.

I appreciate your prayers.

Why I set the table every day.

I always wanted to have sit down meals around the table but we got into the habit of eating while sitting on the couch, on the go or wherever.  My husband worked non-traditional hours, I was in school, kids had various schedules which contributed to different meal times for all of us. Not to mention, when my husband worked during meal time hours and wasn't home, it felt like it was 'time off' for me. I'd make simple, snacks more than meals for myself and family.

Not having my husband/dad in the home anymore, we obviously feel the loss. I experienced a new freedom too. I could make decisions for my family, alone. I didn't have to cater to my husband's schedule or preferences.

If I wanted us to start eating around the table, then we were going to start eating around the table. I made this change just this year. My goal is at least 5 meals together, around the table, a week. Which is usually not more than one meal a day.

I started out clearing the table completely. My oldest had been using it as his computer desk. The table was covered with a fresh table cloth. This inspired me to bring out my nice serving pieces that were always hidden away in the cupboard, brought out only for special occasions.

My children are special. Special enough to use the good dishes...everyday. I have one of a kind, vintage dishes that can not be replaced. I unofficially inherited them when my grandma and mother died. They are gorgeous. But what good are they, what appreciation is shown for their beauty if they are hidden away forever?

Accidents happen. Dishes might get broken. That is part of the learning process. learning to be gentle, use manners and not stand ON the table.

The other part to this is the healing of the trauma of not having a husband and father in the home any more. There is no better word, or a softer way of putting it than trauma. Especially if you are raising your children in a Faith based home.

There are scriptures, a standard of living we subscribe to. Dads moving out and no longer wanting to be married to moms, is not one of them. For my children, it really felt like the end of the world. I guess, to them, it truly was.

I want to reassure my children that their life is going to be beautiful, regardless. A beautiful life is not determined by or dependent on anyone else. As long as they continue to follow Christ, their life will continue to be amazing and lovely.

Yes, we all want 'dad' in our lives, but if not, and it's his choice, we can {and will} still live a beautiful life with out him.

We can still have lovely meals, great conversation, and all while using the good dishes.

Even if we are only eating pizza, YES, I still set it out on a glass cake plate. I use what I have. Yep, I've already lost a couple of glass serving pieces. They were lovely. They were vintage.

They weren't humans. They can be replaced. So what? My children can't be replaced. They are *worth* more than the good dishes. I'd rather a beautiful dish break because it had been used and enjoyed, than it fell out of the cupboard, having never been enjoyed.


It was definitely awkward at first. We'd eat the meal and then feel antsy and ready to leave. A few months in, it's become normal. If I had gotten discouraged and given up, we'd never be able to enjoy it like we do now.

It looks a lot more elaborate than it is really. Which is why we sometimes eat pizza, or good old fashioned spaghetti. I light candles at night and sometimes in the afternoon. I believe life is romantic. We aren't disqualified from a romantic, beautiful life because daddy doesn't live here any more.

My children have needed me more than ever before, during this season. They needed a stable adult to give them hope and reassure them of their prosperous future. This is one way I can do that for them. I show my love for them by setting a lovely table. I affirm their individual value by taking the time, putting in the effort to prepare a meal and set a table as beautiful and creatively as I can.

Life is going to be painful at times. It's unavoidable. As parents, I don't think we need to shield our kids from every heartache, but why not soften the blow a bit? Childhood is preciously short. My kids have been forced to grow up  in some ways, prematurely. I don't want them to remember only trauma. I want them to remember at least one small space in their home that was lovely. It's peaceful. In the coldness of the harsh realities that can strike us unexpectedly, there is a beautiful space and time they can look forward too. No matter how busy we are, we can come together, at least once a day and reconnect. It's the least I can do.

If you are interested in creating a beautiful space to enjoy your meals, here are a few tips that make it simpler:

• I leave the table set, every day. After a meal, dishes are washed {usually!} and then set right back out, ready for the next meal. Yes, this DOES make the table pretty much useless for anything else. I don't mind.


• Stack the dishes on the table. Since the table does become useless always being set, I started stacking the dishes on the table sometimes if we might need the space. This is only for the plates and bowls. Cups, wine glasses and silverware are put away since they are easy to get out again.


• I involve my kids in the process. I ask them for suggestions on table settings, meal preferences, creative input on what to include or exclude from the table. We *are* intentionally trying to make it *look* good.


• Ignore the awkwardness if you aren't used to it. It gets better. It gets easier. My kids are now so used to it, if it's not a *family* meal time, they still sit at the table to eat. Sometimes I will use the time to share a scripture verse or prayer for the day from a book. It helps break the ice and set the tone for peace and faith focus.


• Use what you have. I took down serving pieces from the top shelves of my cupboards. I pulled out China pieces that were being neatly displayed on shelves. I have real silverware that doesn't match. I found a whole bag of it, on sale at the thrift store.


• Keep the menu simple. Even hot dogs look fancy when stacked on a cake plate! Water is froo-froo when you toss in lemon slices. 


• Don't limit the meal to dinner. Choose a meal time that works for your family and your schedule. My goal is at least one meal a day and it isn't always dinner.


• Enjoy yourself and relax.

St. Patrick's Day

It's not a major holiday but it's another day to make it count...like every day. In the past I would have enjoyed any excuse to bake platters full of sweet treats and goodies to deliver to my husband's job. Considering the circumstances, combined with the fact that I am practicing being gluten free during the Lenten season...no treats were baked or delivered.

I did set the table, like I always do, but added a few drops of green food coloring to our daily lemon-water and called it Leprechaun Lemonade.

I also scored a few bouquets of fresh flowers on the way home from working out, in clearance buckets, from the grocery store. A dozen red roses for $2? YES, please!

I didn't forget how 'Jennifer' had invited us back to the convalescent center for St. Patrick's Day, after our visit on Valentine's day. I planned to make cards with my kiddos again and deliver them to residents during their party.

Like last time, it didn't take much effort or time. I picked up a pad of St. Patrick's Day themes stickers from Joann's on my way home from the grocery run that was on the way home from our work-out...Great thing about procrastinating--all the holiday items were on clearance! The book of stickers was only $.50. I also got us festive foam head bands in the shape of leprechaun hats, tiaras and a sparkly green beard! Birdy helped the most with the cards.

Here's the deal...I feel so alone, so much of the time. It's a different type of loneliness, than being surrounded by your kids all day. Many things have changed, beyond just my marital status being in a current state of 'limbo'. There isn't anything I can do about what it is either. During this season, I have intentionally chosen to look outward instead of so much focus inward and on what is missing from my life or what I desire that I don't have. Part of this healing, and coping, is to look for opportunities to serve others, and give in a way that I am not given. I think there is a principle here about giving--and being blessed in return.





My family feels needy and sometimes helpless, because a very important component of being a family is not here and we can't do anything about it. I am taking back part of that control and power we have been robbed of, by these small acts of love and kindness. Giving to others, what we desire to receive ourselves. I am leading my children, through this process by getting their eyes off of their own lack and onto trying to meet the lack and needs in and for others.



My oldest was working like he usually is during these hours so he had to miss all the elderly fun we had. haha. It didn't take us long at all to pass out the cards. There wasn't any singing this time, so there wasn't any opportunity to dance either. Maybe next time. I did see another big X in the sky (chem trails, probably) again but I forgot to take a picture.

Free Pancakes at IHOP

It was nearly 8:30pm or so when I hopped on facebook and saw a post about IHOP offering free pancakes for the day, as a charitable fundraiser. We live right across the street from an IHOP. Another why not moment?

I knew it wouldn't really be free. Of course we'd give a charitable donation plus a tip. I could whip out pancakes myself way cheaper...and probably tastier. How many times though, do you take a late night walk, on a whim, for a few pancakes? Who knows what adventure may await us?

The kids couldn't get ready any quicker. We threw on jackets and shoes and we were out the door. We walked. I figured, being so late by now, there certainly wouldn't be much of a crowd, right? I was wrong. There was waiting out the door.

But hey...it only comes once a year, though I was tempted to leave when I saw that crowd. We were seated right away--I declared we had favor as soon as I walked in and it was true. I felt like maybe the server took one look and regretted he was assigned to the mom and kids table. I am sure 'single moms' w/ a bunch of kids wouldn't be expected to be the best tippers right? He doesn't know my husband, who taught me to 'over tip'. Of course, we were there for the free pancakes. He didn't even ask us WHAT we wanted to order but said: stack of pancakes? Well, he was right about that.

No protein, not much in the way of nutritional value...but maybe there were smiles and memories...of that one time Mom decided out of the blue, on a Tuesday, to take us to IHOP for some free pancakes after dark.

Be spontaneous. Take walks. Enjoy your kids.

Oscar Party

Why not? I've always loved watching the Oscars--of course. And someday I will reach my goal of watching all the current years Best Picture nominees. I am sure of it! I bought some decorations because I felt inspired when I was at the party store looking for something else. I can't even remember what now.
















I took a few days preparing by hanging decorations from the ceiling and taping them to the walls. The boys flaked out but us girls got all dolled up for the occasion. I even rolled out a 'red carpet' for us to walk down and take pix. I used a cheap, red plastic table cloth, taped to the porch for our 'red carpet'.














I then set the table, with an Oscar worthy spread. The main course of the evening was Oscar Mayer hot dogs, naturally. We also had sparkling cider, chips, fresh veggies, various spreads like hummus, ranch dip, salsa and guacamole. Movie favs like cheddar and kettle flavored popcorn. We couldn't over look red vines and  M&M's! I really classed it up by making chocolate dipped strawberries too.

It's not about the Oscars, really. It could have been just another Tuesday. It's about living a life that's worth dressing up for. Worth decorating for. Worth celebrating. That is the life I am determined to live. This is the life I am creating for my family. A life that is beautiful and filled with occasions to have fun. Every day offers that opportunity. It's what I choose. Red carpet or concrete porch, it doesn't matter. Whatever this life holds for us, regardless of past or future--it will be beautiful and lovely.

February was Sweet!

Early in the month I saw this picture and kept going back to it. So much, that I made it my cover pic on Facebook. I'm not exactly sure why, except I hold so many wonderful memories of Disneyland in my heart...combined with the declaration it seemed to be  making--it felt almost prophetic to me. A couple weeks later my husband informed me that he had finagled a way to take the younger set (3/4) of our kids with him to Disneyland. I was almost jealous! I prayed about it and left it in the Lord's hands. It turns out he was able to finagle us all entry into the park, compliments of a generous friend, who works there.

It was an extremely crowded day but I didn't even realize it. I was shocked when I learned just how crowded it really was. A friend told me, the main parking structure and entrance to the Downtown Disney lots were blocked because they were so full. Patrons were being directed to a remote lot, that required taking a complimentary shuttle back to the park! (we arrived before the lots were full) My kids were so great though. They were patient and appreciative, didn't complain at all. It really showed me how much my patience and tolerance levels have really grown too because I didn't even feel irritated by the crowds. .

We were able to go to California Adventure too. It's been a few years since we've paid 'The Big D' a visit and so much has changed. We saw the Aladdin show, one of our favorites. Kurtis fell asleep right as it started though! There wasn't much time to see or do anything else before we headed back to catch the fireworks. They ended up being cancelled due to wind and weather conditions but we still got to catch Fantasmic and ride Indiana Jones before we left.

I was a bit nervous about the day. I'll be honest, being a 'wife-in-limbo' is very taxing, mentally, spiritually and especially emotionally. I try to stay true to who I am, in all matters... It was a nice treat for the ktbunch and I was happy to be a part of this day and watch them enjoy themselves. Kurtis was even chosen to participate in the Jedi Training Academy show and he loved it. I think the kids and I had a great time and it was a blessing over all. Life can be bittersweet. I choose to intentionally stay focused on the sweet.