Friday, March 31, 2006

I AM the Adulterous woman.....

Never could I relate before. Never would I have even considered it. How could I have forgotten?
My life has been touched by adultery, not my own, not in the worldly sense anyway. I remember when I was debating what to do in my own marriage, when it was learned that my H had betrayed his vows. I was so angry & I heard God say to me: You have been unfaithful TO ME every day of your life. I heard it, I felt it & I was moved.

But that was then, I carried that mini-lesson w/ me, in my back pocket, to be brought out upon occasion when needed. When women, married or not, asked me HOW I could forgive my H...I brought out my 'wisdom', my 'word of the Lord'. I understood it, I KNEW it.

But just now, watching the video in the previous post...thinking how I could relate to Mary, as a mother, how pained her heart must have been to witness her son & Lord suffering, in such horrific ways. The actress portrays a stoic mother, not turning away. Then I caught that glimpse of the 'other Mary', the 'adulteress', crying & weeping, hardly able to contain herself, then it hit me.......

I AM her as well. It is not just my H. I am not the 'forgiver', I AM the forgiven. Even to THIS day. That spirit of discontent I have allowed to breed within my heart. That boredom, the fantasies, the wishes, leaving me empty. Flirting w/ temptations, whatever they may be, luring me from MY groom, who is my Lord.

How could I have been so blinded? So naive? My heart is physically aching as I write this.

To BE discontent, that is straying, that was breaking my vow to my Lord. That is how it starts, not in the sinful act itself, but in the idea of it, the thoughts, the premeditation of it. How quickly & easily it festers.

How could I have not noticed? I thoutgh I did not know the true reach of God's grace because somehow I never experienced it. It was all in 'talk' but not action. I had not actually, ever done anything SO bad. Still, in denial.

I never thought I would be her. I take precautions, I avoid the appearance of evil, I guard my mouth.....I was slacking off in guarding my mind, my heart. I allowed my mind to wander to the ideas of this world, "shiny things".........anything that could take me farther & farther from my Lord.


I know it seems so obvious............................

1 comment:

  1. Powerful post that follows a most powerful VIDEO!!! KT, I know that God is going to use you mightily as you continue to grow in Him. :-)


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