Friday, November 17, 2006

Maybe I can't do this afterall......

I have been feeling really good, things have been going well....individual moments of comfort, like this, from God have been amazing.

But I don't, I just don't FEEL like doing ANYthing. I visited w/ a friend today & it was nice...but sitting there, I just felt like crying, for no reason. The insomnia is starting again...I know that is not a good sign & I keep telling myself I WILL go to bed early....hasn't happened yet.

Thanksgiving is next week, I could almost care less. I don't feel like baking or cooking anything, not pie, not cookies, nothing! I have a cupboard drawer full of baking supplies........blah! I keep thinking I'm 'ok' & one minute I am, then the next I am not. I am crabby & short tempered, tired & I just want to take a nap.

I am supposed to do a business party Saturday night & I was going to force myself to do it but I really don't feel like it. I started feeling nausious thinking about it, my head started hurting, my stomach started getting sharp pains, I started thinking maybe I was finally getting that sore throat I called my manager & sent an email to my team for someone else to do it. I let DH know I would not be doing it & he seemed disappointed........

Maybe I was/am just talking myself into being sick, trying to talk myself OUT of doing the party....maybe I really am NOT ready. I don't think there is anything wrong w/ that. Is there? It just doesn't seem that important anymore. The extra $$$ I earned was nice & it came in handy w/ the bills & stuff BUT it did NOT cut down on DH it's not like it added to our family time. kwim? SO what is the point?

Look, we've ALL read the cliches & the fwded emails...WHAT is important in this life? I will tell you & this is not a cliche, an urban legend or a sentimental mom was in the last days of her life & WHAT did she say? WHAT did she long for? It certainly had nothing to do w/ the type of employee she was or wished to be. She never said she wished she was a better this or that, she never mentioned wishing she had bought a new car....NO! ALL she said was that she wanted MORE time w/ her family!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is it. We will NEVER have enough time in THIS life because it is NOT eternal...but we certainly can make the MOST of the time we DO have.

Maybe that is the bottom line.

And I am SAD. ok...I do not deny I miss my mom. I never have denied that. And I guess today & the past few days, have been more down than usual for me. I want to stay in bed...I want to dream of my mom....I just realized that I think. I might have dreamt of my mom last night, I can't remember.

Wednesday night I dreamt of going to her gravesight & taking balloons like I always do but the one I got was flat & deflated before I even got there....& we were @ my grandma's grave sight, not my mom's & I did not recognize it but my brother & sil insisted we were in the right area. It made no sense. I know. It was only on my mind because I knew I was going to the cemetary the next day, Thursday anyway.

I don't know...I want to skip Thanksgiving because it is more a reminder of my mom's birthday. It's always around Thanksgiving. I keep seeing little things, gifts that I think my mom would have liked & I would have liked to give her for Christmas.

Christmas shopping. Part of me does NOT want to wait to buy gifts for Christmas. I want to buy & give things NOW. What is the point of waiting? Normally, throughout the year, if I see little things I think my kids or anyone might like & I have the cash, I will pick it up & give it to that person, for NO reason. So I resent the fact that I now feel like I have to hold back because "Christmas is coming" & I feel obligated to give gifts @ that time. kwim? I know it's weird I guess, maybe.

I got a bracelet in the mail today that a co-worker had bought for my mom. It is lovely. I assume she had ordered it before my mom died & maybe just received it recently, I don't know...but I wish I had someone to give gifts to that were meant for my mom. Maybe I should buy them for myself? lol j/k But seriously.....I see things & I want to buy them for her. Now it is too late.

I don't know if I can do this. Maybe it really is too much for a person. I got that ornament today that I is lovely. I gave my dad his & read the poem to him & he got pretty teary. I left my brothers each on their beds.

I think I am just extra emotional right now because I have not been getting adequate sleep.

OH! And I totally forgot: This was SO discouraging! I had our parent-teacher conference today w/ the boys 'teacher'. {which is so kinda lame because *I* am thier teacher, I hand over a sample of each subject & the 'teacher' gets the credit? lol) SO she does these mini-assesments during the conferences w/ the boys, she has them do math problems & some reading/comprehension. Ok. fine.

Well she then requests to speak to me 'privately'. She is 'concerned' about S's lack of reading skills. She is 'concerned' that he is behind. Yah, well DUH! First of all, I KNOW that. He is @ a level sufficient for HIM. That is the whole point of this curriculum, for the children/students to work @ a level appropriate to their individual needs. I am not going to push him when he is clearly NOT ready. I don't know. It does not make sense to me. She gave him a list of sight words, she said they were pre-k level words. I didn't know pre-kinders READ sight words? That makes no sense. He didn't know hardly any of them, that is a quick remedy....flash cards, used obsessively. {rolling eyes}

I am fully aware that he does not have many sight words memorized yet. I know that & frankly I am NOT worried. She asked me if I was concerned & I said, "no, I'm really not". I explained to her that my oldest was just like that, a late bloomer if you will & now, in 8th grade, he is clearly a very proficient reader & has excellent comprehension skills. I know he is reading way beyond 8th grade level.

OTOH S does VERY well in Math. I wish she would have pointed that out. But see, she is not w/ him every day to know that he can knock out 10 math worksheets @ a time, once you explain the basic concept to him. kwim? I have no doubt that he will eventually 'catch up' & even excell in his reading skills. It's still 'early'. kwim?

Also, I am very aware that our 'school' has been very inconsistent the past few months. Duh! And if my children were in outside school, going through all we have recently, I'm sure the quality of thier school work would have noticeably suffered. kwim? I think all of this is normal. But it knocks a dent in my self-confidence as a homeschooling mother, that is for sure. {sigh..........}


  1. KT, For what it's worth, I can see your blog. I'm not sure, however, that you're going to be able to read this!

    Give yourself permission to go through these highs and lows. You are only a "few weeks" into this chapter of your life. And with holidays coming, it will be more difficult for certain.

    I want to encourage you, too, thought to keep pressing on. Maybe you do ONE party every two weeks. Then, in a month or so, let yourself increase it.

    Some of what you feel may be good old guilt. Guilt that your Mom isn't herer. Guilt that you would be having a nice time with people and others in your family may be sad. Guilt has a way of creeping in like that.

    As for homeschooling, and reading. As a reading specialist from Public School, I am simply going to suggest that you have S read and you read to him as much as possible. It DOES usually click in. As for those pesky sight words...sometimes kids can identify them in the context of a phrase or a sentence far better than they can one at a time. Try letting him read a very simple book and see if he is able to "get" them in that context.

    Hang in there!! I am praying for you and your journey. Did I suggest the book "Good Grief" to you? It's a very small book that dh gives out to all family's that experience the loss of a loved one. It's good and practical.


    :-) Susan

  2. Kt,

    Grief is a spiral, NOT a circle that ever fully closes. While episodes of sadness get farther apart, they still hit (for me at my dad's birthday, at Thanksgiving (his favorite holiday), at major milestones in my and my children's lives that I wish he could be there for. Please give yourself time and love right now...a "good" day is one where everyone is fed and maybe, just maybe, you get school done.

    Also, don't forget that as homeschoolers we have the freedom to have "vacation" whenever we need to...ours may be a "chemo break" this winter and then we'll school through the summer. I'm not under an umbrella school, so I may have more flex with that than you all do.

    I know that for me right now, sometimes the days are just literally breating in and out, putting one foot in front of the other when I'd much rather be camping out in a bubble bath or taking a nap. But God is glorified in our sacrifices of praise...and sometimes that's what choosing to keep pressing on is.

    I'm praying that God continues to wrap his arms around you and carry you right now...and I'd love to meet you IRL in Santa Monica...that is, if you're not afraid of bald chicks!


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