Saturday, April 7, 2007

Feeling Edgy

Out of sorts. Off. Just not right. Agitated.

Yah, that's pretty much it.

Then I realize...I miss my mom. I'm not really sure what 'missing' feels like, but I do know my edginess is directly related to her not being here right now. She always did the grands Easter baskets. I will be a much happier person Monday. Although 'happy' is really not the accurate word.......... I'd like to skip Easter, altogether. (no offense Lord)

I don't know what sets one day apart from the next, in regards to how I feel about my mom not being here. There is nothing particularly extra special about this weekend compared to say, last Thursday or this next Monday. Each day is a day w/o her in my life.

I know Christ died & rose again every day, so I don't think that is really it. It's just the moments.

What makes one moment more special than the next? What makes one moment more valuable than the one before?

Maybe it's not the moment @ all, but the memory. I remember last Easter. Why didn't I make sure to take a picture w/ her? I was probably annoyed in an eye rolling way, not a mean way, as daughters some times get w/ thier mothers for no good reason, I'm sure.

I remember we went to visit my grandma in the care center. She had on a lovely new outfit mom & I had picked out for her. A combination Easter/birthday outfit. I think it was a blue, tierd skirt, blue shirt & lightweight sweater. It might have been my birthday too cause I remember my Sil gave me a giant bag filled w/ different yarns as a gift....& a solid chocolate bunny. lol

My grandma could barely hold her head up in her wheel chair, it was kinda chilly. We took turns taking pictures w/ her, she looked a bit sad. Then it was time to go. DH was working.

We went back to my parents house, hid eggs for all the littles & took more pictures. I don't know why I didn't take pix w/ my parents.

Today we went to a birthday party for my nephew. I happened to mention how I felt edgy & how my mom always did the baskets. Then my aunt (all were there & I haven't seen them or spent any time w/ them since Christmas, btw, which was not the norm when my mom was alive) said that it's not edginess (for her) but an empty feeling. Then my other aunt asked what we were talking about but neither of us said anything then my first aunt just whispered it.

But why were we whispering? Why did I allow that to happen? I am not usually one to stand down, especially this. Maybe we both felt it was 'not a good time' @ the moment since it was a birthday party. But you know what? When is it ever a good moment? & why wouldn't it be a good moment to state the obvious---we all miss her. No the moment was instead shut down.

whisper. blink. gone. Happy Birthday.

Here we are. I see it now. I knew it anyway. My aunts & grandma have not come over to my dad's house like they used to. It's painfully obvious. My dad has to live there. But they, they can go home, into thier own houses & pretend. It is less real when they are in their own houses. I bet my dad wishes he had that luxury.

I know I do.

I got a hair cut. I got bangs. I have not had bangs for years! I wanted something different.

I read that after a death, there is a time of 'reinvention'. A time when you reinvent yourself as the person WITH OUT that person in thier life. It made sense to me. I'm not the same person I was last year @ this time... I was tired of looking like it.

I don't look so much like my mom now, w/ bangs.

It's hard to look in the mirror sometimes, when all you see, is who you miss.

1 comment:

  1. It's good that you're working out your feelings. I am sure that it helps a bit to identify it. I'm continuing to pray for you, sister.

    :-) Susan


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