Just keep breathing....right?

I had a real breakdown the other day...I don't know how to do this, who would right?

So whatever, I locked myself in the bedroom, hoping to just go to sleep---for who knows how long. I was making a conscious decision to "be depressed". I had decided I would put just enough energy into filing the LS paperwork & that was IT! Well, I guess God has freed me from the depression cause I couldn't stay depressed. lol I did stay locked in the room & filled out & printed a gazillion pices of legal paperwork....

I went to the courts today to have the Family Law Facilitator look it all over...I was feeling pretty good & self confident. I just needed to go get my proof of income for my fee waiver application. Went back...Had to make a mediation appointment first, it's required.. blah blah blah...FIRST AVAILABLE appointment is not until November 28th!!!! TWO MONTHS AWAY! Our court date will be assigned sometime after that!!!

And the filing clerk---NOT so nice. They have to know that every single person coming in there is stressed. How do you not feel stressed in a 'court of law'? So I had NO idea I was supposed to staple all kinds of pieces of paper & hole punch each piece! Sorry!

AND either I missed it or something & didn't include my last 3 paycheck stubs...so the spousal & child support order requests could NOT be filed, therefore could not be served either. And she could not approve my fee waiver application, she had to send me upstairs to the judge. I had to hand my paperwork over to the bailiff. Another not-so-nice female, telling me I didn't completely fill it out, yet I followed the instructions exactly. I guess they really want MORE information than the instructions actually indicate. whatever!

I went back outside to fix it...couldn't even think straight. I finally broke down again. Let me also add that I had gone to the court house BEFORE 11 am...by now it was almost 4pm! Then she tells me I have to write EVERY single member of the household, even though it clearly states to write who depends on you for income & who you depend on for income. NO ONE else in this house is dependent on me but my kids??? SO that makes NO sense. THEN she's like, well then if you only make xxx how are you making it? Well, duh! I responded humbly: I'm NOT. That's the point. That's why I'm here. My husband just left me and I'm a SAHM. And she says: well the judge is going to want to know how you're making it. I respond, yah I'm not, this just happened. {sigh}

Well he approved it @ least. He checked the box 'partial' approval meaning I would have to pay something for certain services...but it wasn't any services I would need, like an interpreter.

SO---tomorrow I still have to go back, include my paycheck stubs...to prove why I need CS & alimony...& file & get a hearing date & THEN serve E. (well, have someone else serve him)

He's arguing w/ me about seeing the kids. Says I am just trying to hurt him. I am telling him he can see them w/ me present--he already knows this. Then he's bullying me & telling me that his aunt, w/ 30 years of legal experience is advising him & he's gonna get an immediate order, within a week & have the kids overnight. That's fine, he can do what he wants. The aunt thing kinda shakes my confidence a bit...because it's true, she does have experience, she is a paralegal.

Then he's telling me how his parents & especially his mom are realizing MY lies? I figured he was saying things to confuse them & turn them against me & you know what...YAH I'm really hurt by that. They have been my family for 15 years now & the fact that they would really believe I could be that way? I HAD to call SIL & give her the run down. I told her how hurt I was, she said she is confused. I had to explain to her how the legal system really works & that there is no restrainging order against him (that's what he told them). He is also telling them repeatedly that I am NOT allowing him to see the kids, again that I am just angry & trying to hurt him. He's so slick. I explain to her that that is simply not true. He has not asked to see the kids but once every few days lately & the last time was because S called him. I have never not allowed him to see them, my only stipulation is that they remain in my custody during their visits. I am always polite, out of the way & generous. Most times, initiating the visit before he even called. Only lately I have given up on that. He needs to put in that effort, not me.

Then I spoke w/ MIL. SHE is SO hurt by ME? How can I not let him see his kids????argh! I tried to explain to her that that was simply NOT true! It was a long conversation...I don't know if she really believed me or what. I am so disappointed & hurt.....it's like one betrayal after another. I am DEVASTATED & I am the one LOSING EVERYTHING!!!

This is so ridiculous.

I don't think I can really take 2-3 months of this. Seriously.

He doesn't want to change. He says our marraige was mostly fake. That he's always had "compassion" for me & knows I'm a "genuinely nice person" but he does not love me, hasn't for a long time, he was just 'faking it' & 'faked our vow renewal'. He says loves her, he wants to be w/ her or no one, he is going to try and get back w/ her & that he finally has the 'guts' to leave.

How can you honestly (I know there is no such thing as honesty coming from him anymore) say you love someone---because does love lie to a person for 2 years? Does love lie about who YOU are to create an alternate persona that the other person can fall in love w/? If he loved her so much---why would he treat HER that way? She fell in love w/ someone who does not even really exist.

He is in love w/ someone & it's not her---it's HIMself!

Maybe tomorrow I can post pix from Disneyland last Sunday.

I have one crazy goal to keep me focused....IF a miracle doesn't happen & E doesn't come back to the Lord & repent 9which doesn't seem likely & I don't have my hopes up or anything) then after all this I am going to 'reward' myself by getting rid of the 'adventure' van & buying MYSELF some cute new car, w/ my OWN money & my OWN good credit!!! And I am going to buy it from his OLD job from one of his old friends! lolololol It's fun to dream. lol