6 months has passed

since I wrote this post stating my prayer for the year.  I asked God to give me a prayer for the year, it was: "More of what I need and less of what I want."  I did not realize, when I wrote and prayed this prayer, what a tall order it would be.


Right now, I am struggling. It's deep, it's scary, it's painful, it's FIRE. No joke. I trust God. I am being brought to a place of complete and utter surrender. I thought giving up was a sign of weakness. "Never give up, Never surrender!" Isn't that our battle cry? When we continue to think WE stand a chance in this world...we lose our power. It is only Christ within us that has any power. You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. 1Jn 4:4  

I had to surrender. I had to be brought to that place of having nothing left. Nothing recognizable, nothing to hold on to. I have to give up. There is nothing I can do to change my situation. 

I can't stop the pain, the tears, my children's hearts from breaking, dreams from dying, happiness being stolen...I can do nothing to affect change in anyway. I can't save myself, much less anyone else. I can't convince, reason with or encourage. 

I can't produce my own hope in a hopeless situation. I can't console. I can't comfort. I have no words of encouragement. I have no answers. I can't change the past, the present or my future. 

God keeps showing me my past, mistakes, poor choices, moments, issues I wasn't even aware I had. He reveals it all. For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all. Luke 8:17 

I can't produce my own faith. I can't give my children faith. I can't restore their trust. I can't restore my own trust. I can't fix our situation. I can't fix them. I can't fix myself. I don't have a plan. I don't know what to do. I have no answers, no explanations. I can not restore. I can not forgive. I have no solution. I can not love. I can not be long suffering. I can't produce patience. I can not stop the suffering. I can not endure. I can not produce peace in this chaos. I can not look beyond my own self. I can not succeed.

In light of that prayer I prayed in January...I guess this is what I needed. It's certainly nothing I ever would have wanted. As God strips away everything I thought I wanted...what is left? Nothing. Nothing? 

Him. 

I have nothing left to give.

So...

I give...up.
I surrender.
I wave my white flag. I can not rescue myself.

I can not raise the dead.

Christ can.
Christ did.

For nothing is impossible with God. Luke 1:37
For NOTHING is impossible with God.
For nothing IS impossible with God.
For nothing is IMPOSSIBLE with God.
For nothing is impossible WITH God.
For nothing is impossible with GOD.


Christ will.