Sunday, December 30, 2012

What did I do all year?

If you asked me what *I* did through out this year--ALL I can honestly say is, I PRAYED! (of course, I still AM)

I cried, I whined, I screamed & cussed at God. (He's a Big God, he can handle it!) I laid on my face, begging, pleading. I questioned, I exalted, I praised, I listened, I sang, I groaned, I brought myself low. I humbled, I repented, I adored...& at the end of the day--I KEPT praying!

EVERY moment. EVERY tear. EVERY disappointment. EVERY question--I prayed THROUGH!  I was honest, laid bare--most often literally--on my face in the shower. haha.

There is nothing, no part of me, no secret, no place in my soul that I am aware of, that I did NOT let God into. And He was faithful to expose & reveal all the nitty gritty details of ME...& show me HIS goodness...above all else, over & over & over & over again! He showed me where I was hesitant to let Him in, where I held back, what I tried to hide, the places I wasn't trusting HIM.

I'm sure there's still more cause this life is a process...but it's way past time for us to really get HONEST before ourselves & before God & let HIM do THIS WORK that we keep trying to manage on our own.

God is always listening.
God is always answering.

We don't have to impress, put on airs or use fancy language.
He already knows who we are...and He knows everything He has created us to do AND be.

My life changed so dramatically this year.
If you know me personally, your first thought may be that I am referring to my circumstances...and sure, there's that. Besides that though, is this whole other part of me, there's all of me, there's ME. I started the year kicking and screaming and railing against God. Not understanding why He wasn't changing my situation....quickly.

Now, at the end, I can look back and see how far I've come, WE've come, together. How much He has changed me, which in essence, changes my situation. I didn't do anything. Actually, I believe, when I stopped began to happen. The change.

I kept envisioning myself just falling. From a cliff or off a bridge, into the sky or the water. I kept having that free-fall sensation. But it wasn't a falling off, it was a falling into.

Falling into Christ.
Falling into grace.
Falling in, falling into love.

I would lay on my back, on my hard wood floor, on my bed, the beach, the grass at the park, my front sidewalk, the trampoline...and just look and stare up. Far up, as far as the sky could go...and say a prayer.

I just kept falling...into prayer.

He heard.
He moved.

1 Thessalonians 5:17 pray continuously

I did.
And I survived.
And I thrived.

How much work He did when I stopped trying...but kept praying.

1 comment:

  1. oh, kt, i LOVED this. and needed to read it. i think i got closer to "falling into God" toward the end of the year, and this year i want to continue that falling. and i learned what pray without ceasing means, too!

    thank you for these beautiful, inspiring words.


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