On the Eve of 20 Years

I've told and retold the story of my oldest's 6 week premature birth countless times. This time I'd like to share some words that were recorded before his birth....I have a tiny book that I journaled a few entries here and there, through the years. I started it before he was born...words that are now over twenty years old....

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11:30pm Tuesday Aug. 25, 1992
I saw you for the first time on Tues. Aug 18. A man from church gave me an ultra sound. I saw your little heart beating and I saw you move a little. I was so excited...

Then two days later I went to my new doctor and he let me hear your heart beat. That was on Aug 20-Thurs. He said we both seemed pretty healthy. That was when you were 9 weeks old. (gestation)

Your father has only seen the two pictures of you. He hasn't seen you move or heard your heart beat. He is very proud of you and me. Very excited too. He can hardly wait to meet you...

I must be under a lot of stress. Yesterday morning I was bleeding. I was (and still am) very scared. My parents took me to the doctor... He tried to check your heart beat but we couldn't hear it...I was so scared. I wanted to cry. I just kept praying. So then the doctor did an ultra sound. We saw you. You seemed content. You were just jumping and moving all around. The doctor said you were an "active little sucker."...It is a 'threatened miscarriage'. My body is threatening to end the pregnancy. There is a 50-50 chance it won't. And since you are so active and seem well, it's a better chance. But we're all very scared. The doctor ordered me to bed until the bleeding stops...

Gosh I can't wait to meet you. I can't feel you but I know you're there inside of me. When I saw you moving so much yesterday I was so excited. Your daddy is too. You were very unexpected to us. We had very mixed feelings at first. But now though everyone is very excited and happy. All these people that love and care for you already and they don't even know you and you don't even know them. I really love you baby and I can't wait to hold you in my arms.

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Thursday Nov 5, 1992
Hello little baby...On your father and I's honeymoon I started to feel you move. I wasn't sure at first. It felt like my stomach muscles were twitching. I realized though that it was you...Last week at my doctor's appointment, we had another ultra-sound. The technician told your daddy and I that you are a boy! Your daddy is so excited.

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December 1992 [written by daddy]
Dear Ernie Jr,
I hope you like your name. I also hope that you are happy. I've learned many things in the two months that I've been a husband and one is that I feel a great need to make your mother happy. I know that I'll feel this need with you too. My life is kind of in limbo right now. I don't know  which direction I am heading, but where ever I end up, I know that I'll be a good husband and father. You're going to be a big guy. I can tell you are growing really fast! When I go to sleep at night, your mom hugs me from behind and falls asleep. I can feel you kicking my back...

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Jan 30, 1993 [written by daddy]
Dear baby,
It's almost 4 you're due at 6:30. I'm thinking-I've waited 19yrs to be a daddy and now only in about 3 hours I'll be one. Time goes by so fast. I hope that the time we have doesn't go by too fast and that all your memories of me will be good. I'm so proud of your mom. She's so strong, and I know she'll be a good parent. I hope I am. Well I love you and I can't wait to meet you little guy. Love your father, Ernie
Your birthday, 93 3:55am

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There are more words...of anticipation, fear, doubt and love. Two young people, a young couple, soon to be young parents, writing words that only looked forward, that can now be read, only looking back.