Thursday, August 14, 2014

I Don't Want to Have Anything to DO With Him Ever Again!

Last night, I went to bed with a heavy heart, nearly heart broken all over again. My middle son was triggered and began to share his heart. We MUST STOP what we are doing when those who share so tentatively, take a moment to trust us with their tender vulnerability, and REALLY LISTEN--not only to them but to God, at the same time, for divine wisdom--parenting can be challenging sometimes.
His jaw was set hard but it didn't stop those big, silent, crocodile tears from streaming down his 14 year old face, over the peach fuzz above his lips. "I don't want to EVER be compared to dad. I don't like that. I am nothing like him and I don't want to be!"
He continued, "I am ready to move on...I am ready to let go." His shoulders tensed as the tears came in waves. Fourteen year olds should not have to be stoic.
"What do you mean by move on? Let go? What does that look like for you?" I asked softly.
"I mean, I just want to forget about him. I don't want to be around him. I don't want to have anything to do with him." He said, his anger and pain rushing again to the surface.
"You won't ever forget him...I mean every time you look in the mirror..." I smiled. "I know you love him and that is why you feel hurt. People disappoint us. I am sorry you are facing this situation."
Barely holding back my own tears, I tried to use my words sparingly. A hand on his shoulder...wishing I could cuddle him in my lap and he didn't have to feel what he was experiencing. Silently saying my own prayer for wisdom...I reminded him of the WORD. "God says He will use what is meant for harm, for good." I continued to speak intentionally into his life, heart and soul, "You are forgiving. You have a heart of compassion and you know, maybe more than others your age, how God is your provider and because of the pain you have felt, you feel compassion for others...."
More tears, more words, more heart ache...
"His DNA is in your blood, along with mine, you are part of both of us. You also have the DNA of Christ, which over rides negative behavior. You stay humble and continue to rely on Christ and you will be a responsible and loving husband and father some day... It might be helpful to focus on and remember the good times you shared with your dad. I know you have good memories with him."
In the end, we were both worn and it was late.
Today, the Mr was scheduled to pick them up for a couple hours before work. Everyone slept in later than usual. No one was in a hurry to leave either when dad showed up at 10am.
I checked in on my 14yo and in typical 14yo fashion, he was 'fine.' Tired but fine. He still chose NOT to express his heart to his dad...none of them feel safe enough for that yet...but the burden was lifted. He said he just needed to 'release' what he had been holding in.
Amazing what comfort a listening ear can be. Also a reminder that negative emotions can be handled appropriately, redirected and they DO PASS, therefor, we do NOT have to act on them. 
I wanted to be angry. For both of us. For him, having to feel so hurt. For my pain, cause he was hurting AND for having to deal with it ALONE. I was tempted to text my older son (21yo) who was out w/ friends-to come home immediately, for 'back up' (they have a good relationship)--BUT knowing I had to be the parent God has created me to be! I AM the parent & I have been CHOSEN, qualified and capable of handling the *hard stuff*.
JUST AS YOU have been! You CAN do this. No, you DON'T have to play BOTH parental roles...just YOUR role. I am not perfect. I *consistently* pray for WISDOM, not only as a human on this planet BUT specifically as a this 'situation'. We are dealing with circumstances above and beyond the normal call of duty. God promises to give wisdom. Start or KEEP reading Proverbs--EVERY day. Keep praying. Keep speaking life. Don't give up.   
{this was NOT all of his or our conversation--as I want to respect his privacy, but I feel free to share portions of MY part. I know you all understand.  }

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous3:07 PM

    this breaks my heart but you handled it so well katy- you are an awesome mom luv cat


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