Lately, when I feel especially frustrated or who-knows-what-exactly, I hear my mother's voice yelling those words at me. They rise up from somewhere deep and they threaten to escape from my own mouth. I catch them and reign them in before any damage is done and I curse the next generation with the same haunting future wounds.
It doesn't hurt. I don't think it even hurt originally, though that may have been my early days of robot-hood anyway. I suppose my mind tells me it's hurtful. It sounds horrible. Anyone who knows my mom, would find it hard to believe that she would speak such words to me, much less regularly for a season. She was a loving mom mostly and all wounds had been forgiven and left behind by the time she died.
When the memory of her voice rises from within my own heart, I wonder, if she was feeling this same disappointment? Frustration? Or maybe it was rage for everything she had ever dreamt that never materialized in her own life? Feelings I think I am becoming familiar with. I was often reminded of how much she 'gave up' for me, though no specifics were ever mentioned. I didn't care to know anyway since I had no say in the matter. Her choices were her burdens to carry.
I certainly wasn't the worst daughter in the world. Not even close.
Was she full of regret, or suspecting she was, over the youth she traded for the life we were living, together? Did she feel trapped by her past? The past can feel overwhelming at times. The choices you realize you would not have made, if you had known it would lead you here. Or the choices you WOULD have made. I play out the scenarios and everything is impossible.
When I was still that little girl, I played out the scenarios too. The one where I have a rich daddy somewhere looking for me. The one where I am loved, adored and cherished with all the Barbies I could ever want. The life where I run away and instead of getting in trouble for it, there are tears of joy that I have returned.
I wasn't trying to run away from a life I thought I had...I only wanted to run to a life I thought I could have instead. With out even knowing what type of instead it would be.
When I was 18 years old, I thought I did. Sometimes, this life I ran to, feels very much like the one I ran away from. I didn't see that coming.