The day I didn't know I was waiting for....

I had grown up in the church. It wasn't a life changing experience when I accepted Jesus into my heart as a child. It was to be the growth of another human soul under my heart that would change everything.

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I'd had a headache & was seeing spots for @ least 9 hours that day. It started before my H left for work & while I tried to read a book, I saw spots....I had no idea it was something to be concerned about. I had had headaches for as long as I could remember. I figured this Friday was no different.

After H went to work, I went to lay down, I was so tired all the time anyway. The headache never went away & eventually my MIL insisted that I call the doctor. I felt dumb calling over a simple headache but the spots were getting bigger & I was 7.5 mos pg w/ my first child that we knew would be a boy. It was almost time for H to be home from work by now anyway.

The ob was out of town so they referred me to a different one. He calmly told me I needed to go to a hospital immediately as it could be high blood pressure. H came home & I calmly reiterated the doctors instructions & not realizing the severity of the situation, w/ a chicken leg hanging out of his mouth, he asked, 'Can I eat dinner first?'. He was tired & it was after 9pm.

My MIL gave him a 'look', he changed his clothes & we were off. We had to pull over a couple times as I began vomitting. When we arrived @ the hospital they didn't seem to be very concerned & we had to fill out numerous forms & paperwork.

After rounds of tests, nurses asking ME how big I thought my baby was, did I think the baby was @ LEAST 5lbs?, more vomitting, not letting me drink ANYTHING, my parents arrived, I could no longer see straight, I remember the doctor came in & informed H & I that if my blood pressure did NOT go down they would 'take the baby' tonight---

We expected his next words to be, if my BP DID go down, we could all go home, BUT instead he said, if your BP does go down, we will take the baby tomorrow morning. So either way, I was about to have my first child, 6 weeks early, by cesarean section, @ 19 years old.

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Prior to this night, all my other 19 yo friends had told me how I was ruining my life, I was too young & how my life would NOT be the same, by getting married & having a baby. I was completely determined to prove them wrong. Nothing would change. I would be a cool mom, I'd still get an education & finish college. I'd be fine, they'd see AND besides, I was in love.

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He was in the hospital for 1 week, about 3 days longer than I was. He was only 4lbs 1 oz @ birth & weighed less than that when he came home. My grandma said, that when they first brought him out of the OR, she felt only sympathy for me that my first baby had 'died' because being so small, she thought for sure he was dead. His head was no bigger than a small orange. Besides being so tiny, he was perfectly healthy & was sent home early due to a sudden baby boom & an overcrowded nursery.

I was determined that my life would NOT change. I was determined to do everything that I had done before, baby or not. We took our baby everywhere. To the mall, walks to the park, every & anywhere. My life would NOT change, it would now just 'include baby'.

But for the first time, I no longer thought only of what *I* wanted. It was no longer about me. I realized early on that it never would be 'about me' again. Not only did this child have my heart but also my physical body. He needed me, to live.

This baby gave me nothing in return but I was captivated. The depth of love that I felt for him, unearned, amazed me, overwhelmed me. What a picture it was of how I come to Jesus, just wanting, needing, more & more, giving nothing, like a baby, helpless.

No longer was I a child. No longer could I take my life for granted. As one friend described, I was now in the 'club', the secret 'mommy club'. You suddenly understand things, indescribable things, deep in your soul that only a mother can understand. I understood, how broken Mary's heart must've been & how she must've physically ached when she saw her son, as her Lord, dying on that cross. How each stumble, bruise, scrape & scratch, pierced not only her heart but her soul. What a blessing to be a woman & experience, even a tiny glimpse of the compassion God has on us, as His creation.

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13 years ago today, @ 6:56 am, though I could not see clearly, my oldest son was lifted from my womb & contrary to my plans, my life would be, forever changed, in a million more ways than I could have ever imagined.