Saturday, September 2, 2006

I am not WAITING for a miracle.

I have not lost faith, but I just accept it & whatever happens happens. I am not the one that denies it is happening right before my eyes & then miraculously my denial comes true. I'm just not.

I'm just taking it for what it IS. Even if she lives for 5 years, I'd rather live as if she may die tomorrow & cherish all the more, EVERY second I can. THAT is how *I* deal w/ this.

It is mostly how I've been living up to this point in most areas of my life anyway, in the BIG scheme of things, life is short even if you have 91 years, kwim?

I'm not giving up, I'm just living.

I am the one who told my mom I would not LET her go back to work, no matter what, why? cause it's a WASTE of TIME. Who cares? WHY waste 2 hours every stinking day commuting in stressful traffic? what's the point?

Maybe others can deal w/ it by not accepting it....ok. I just accept it & I am @ peace w/ whatever it may be. Not cause I don't have faith, but because I know things happen to good AND bad people, good things and bad things. It's just how it is.

I KNOW God had/has our days numbered, He knows the number of hairs on our head & He knew this all along. It was known since the beginning of time that this was our path. For some it turns into a miracle, for some it looks different.

I have witnessed many miracles in my life so far, I've no doubt He's still in the miracle business. lol Perhaps this diagnosis IS the miracle. A miraculous reminder to NOT take anything for granted. Maybe it will be what improves my marriage, what makes my family even stronger & closer, what will overcome wierd boundaries that you find within families, Maybe this will be what breaks down any walls of things left unsaid. I can be greatful for that.

A few weeks ago, I was REALLY upset over how things had gone & were going w/ my cousin's child molester father. I could not express to my parents how I really felt about how it all went down all these years....but I COULD express my opinions about what I thought re: my cousin...but that conversation, led to my mother apologizing for NOT doing anything. In that moment, I knew my heart was healed. It was a really strange feeling or I don't know what but I knew instantly, there was a closure & peace for something & like that was the last of what needed ever be said between us.

God knew that & has been preparing us all these years, months, weeks & days for this.

I don't want to sound so wierd, it's just the thoughts that I have. Everything leads up to this point & from here, I don't know if I have 2 weeks or 2 years, but I still plan on taking advantage of that time LIVING w/ my mom. kwim?

Not from the aspect that she is DYING (although I have accepted that she will) but from the aspect that we want to enjoy the time she is LIVING. That is what gets me through the days w/ her, that make it ok for us to laugh & joke around, like w/ my grandma. I don't know, this probably sounds wierd or lame or something. It's just the thoughts that I think in my head.

1 comment:

  1. I think miracles come in all shapes and sizes. You're right, you all have to spend each and every day LIVING and knowing that there is "work to do" in and with your family. I pray that God holds you each in a very special day and that you sense the miracle of each day. May you be able to talk, laugh, love, and heal. And may your Mom feel that special love as she never has before. Blessings, kt!!!!


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