Just waiting

It seemed liked such an UNrestful day today. So many people coming by. I was almost annoyed because I just wanted to be ALONE w/ my mother. I understand friends want to visit....but....I also think it's past that time for ME.

A nurse was here last night, then another one came for a shift change @ 7am ,then a social worker came @ 11am, then a case manager came a few hours later then a shift change @ 3pm. Visitors, phone calls, phone calls for people wanting to visit. Clutter, dishes, littles that need attending.

I know I have been neglecting my children. I won't deny it. I sent the littles to their nana & tata's house. We haven't done ANY school this week. I actually completely forgot about it honestly. I can't believe it but I did. They're actually lucky they're even getting fed. HA! lol

SIL & I went to the funeral home/mortuary today. Better to make as many arrangements as we can BEFORE we are overwhelmed w/ emotion. I don't know what I would do w/o my SIL right now. I don't have any sisters so she is the closest thing & she has been amazing. We are not handling this the same & respect that but if she was not here...I would feel so alone.

I asked my dad if he wanted us to make all the choices/decisions...& if he had any preferences. We kept his few requests in mind & headed on over. We also set an appointment w/ Forest Lawn too. We got there & started looking @ areas for plots, w/ my dad's preferences in mind. We decided on a reasonably (if there really are any in these situations) priced spot that is so lovely. It looks like a park. It has lovely trees, you can see the canyon to the side, a lake w/ Koi fish, a waterfall & a bridge w/ a fountain on the other side of the bridge. It is a new development.

We looked @ quite a few spots & the choice was not too hard to make. I also decided I did not want to go to Forest Lawn to look. The spot we saw seemed perfect & felt right & the fact that my grandparents are buried here...I decided we would go w/ Rose Hills. No need to overwhelm myself w/ more choices when this spot felt 'right'

We looked @ grave markers & headstone options. Decided it was best to purchase my dad's spot @ the same time, so we will do that. The worker had on file & was able to compare, the service we had for my grandma & that was an excellent price guideline for us.

I started to get a little overwhelmed when we were deciding on caskets.I expected it to be like the movies, full size caskets in a room, that you look @. It was only the corners of the caskets on the wall. I'm glad cause I think I might have gotten creeped out. But I did start to get overwhelmed a bit by the choices & my chest started to feel tight & I started to feel physically anxious.

We went back into the lady's office & when she stepped out, SIL & I came to the conclusion of which one we wanted, keeping mind mom's preferences. I felt a little better but still anxious, took some deep breaths, focused & grabbed some peanut m&m's.

I was nervous that my family would call us while we were out, I was afraid to leave. But as time went on, as long @ my cell phone didn't ring, I knew everything was ok. SIL asked, on our way out, if we should call to check on mom. I said no, as long as they haven't called then I know she is still alive. And I'd rather not call & hear any hint of bad news or else I will just make myself so anxious & nervous trying to get back to her.

Each hospice worker seemed to give us different time frames for mom, some think it will be 'so soon', the one on duty right now, said it won't be tonight.