She's home

She doesn't look well. Well, DUH, right? She does not really respond to us, she is very weak & yellow. When she does open her eyes & look @ me/us, I don't think she sees us.

Her breathing seems forced, breaths are up to 5-7 seconds apart. I keep thinking each one is her last one.

The hospice admission lady was nice, business like @ first w/ all the uncomfortable stuff. I wasn't that uncomfortable since we had arleady gone through what mom wanted as far as medical care for the end. That was a good thing too, it made it easier to answer the detailed questions, like about CPR, feeding tubes ect. She said we were doing well, getting through all the paperwork. She said, for many people, this is the first time they discuss these things & it's such a shock they can't get through it. The hospice lady seemed to think it could be weeks.

When I arrived this morning to the hospital the doctor was outside her room w/ my dad. Just in time. It was interesting how he discouraged us from life extending procedures & the reasons why. I was ok w/ & understood completely & because we alreayd knew mom's desires about that. But I thought it was interesting anyway. He gave the reason why each procedure was not a good idea & the risks involved & explained that it would not help her. I can see where this would be too overwhelming of a conversation to have/decision to make if you were not prepared or did not know the wishes of the patient. He said he thought it would only be a matter of days.

My only question was, can we take her home now? It only took.....10 hours. She was discharged & brought home via ambulance around 5:00 pm.

It felt chaotic. I wish it could have been more peaceful for her. Visitors arrived, all of us were here. The EMT's said her heart rate shot up on the ride. Dad was w/ her, she was disorientated. The phone didn't stop ringing all night.

SIL & I gave her her space, let the visitors do/say what they felt they needed to say or do, whatever. Finally, we put her in her bed then I sat w/ her & just held her hand. Then it was peaceful. She was very asleep but I just rubbed her forhead.

I felt so sad. Sad for her, in this state. But finally I was alone w/ her. She looks so much like my grandma right now. The same look in her eyes, a blank look.

Her legs are heavy & feel hard. wierd.

I can't leave. I am staying the night. If she seems a bit better during the day tomorrow then I will go home to change or whatever, maybe. Otherwise, Big E can just bring us all clothes in the morning on his way to work.

When I was walking down the hall today @ the hospital, I noticed a new trashbag on the floor & a large paper clip. I picked up the paper clip.