Monday, October 23, 2006

Still alive.

Put the down payment & chose my mom & dad's exact space/plot, today.

It's SO a park, really. I KNOW it's not like my mom will care......but *I* care & I can imagine myself having a picnic & it's right by a 'lake' (pond) there are koi fish in it & a waterfall w/ a it will feel like another day @ the park & the kids won't be too freaked out. I think my dad will appreciate it.

Sure we could get a cheaper FLAT spot w/ just grass. But I think this spot is very lovely & hers & his are side by side, next to a tree.....there will be some shade....

My chest felt like an elephant was sitting on it. It was hard to breath. Sil & I had to have the woman repeat herself quite a few times because we were/are just too tired to focus. She was very understanding.

I am SO tired. SO TIRED!
Her care is pretty easy right now....but now we (sil, auntie & I) are just getting so tired.....Things are settling down w/ the family...I was a bit numb yesterday & today.....because I'm so tired.

The funeral could be this theory. We will see....that strong loving heart of hers still beating....

BUT her heart rate is climbing as her blood pressure is lowering, this morning her feet & toes started getting cold while the rest of her body is still burning w/ high as 104.6. The tylenol seems ineffective. The nurses warned it would be. They told us specific changes we would see as her body shuts down.

Knowledge is me.
I like to be as prepared as I can w/ what to expect w/ something as uncontrollable as this.

I realized today that the 'process' of death is much like the 'process' of giving birth. Once a labor starts, there is usually no turning's exciting & scary all @ once & completely uncontrollable. The only thing a woman CAN do is give in to it @ that moment, completely, because we can not stop it. kwim?

I see this dying process the same, there is nothing I can do to stop it & it is completely unpredictable about the moment in time that will be our last breath. I am powerless, the best thing I can do, the ONLY thing I can do is trust God w/ every part of me. I can see Him in control more than any other time or moment in my life. He holds my mother's life & death in His hands. So simple, I know but so deep @ the same time.

The anticipation is almost unbearable...the waiting.....hoping I don't miss it.....every skipped breath makes my own heart stop & the question hangs in the air. It's happened a few times when sil, aunti & I are caring for her, a wicked cough or stillness when we move her----& we freeze & I know we are all thinking the same exact thing-------we hold our breath w/ her....

Inhale. As we exhale w/ relief. Those moments make my chest hurt w/ anticipation? fear? anxiety? acceptance?
I'm waiting for my moment. It won't be now. It won't be when she dies. It will be after all is done. Funeral arrangements. Last breath. Viewing. Memorial services. Choosing my clothes. Greeting people. Comforting everyone else. Going home.


My Home.

I will finally be able to focus on my emotions & grief. I feel like I am waiting for that more than her actual death. I want to crawl into my bed & go to sleep. That is what I imagine anyway. IRL I always have hungry children to feed. ;-)


  1. Gosh KT, I know that this journey must be an immensely difficult one for you and your family. You are continually in my prayers. Please know that.

    God will be your strength when you're too tired to do anything. He will be whatever you need. . .that's how faithful He is.

    Much love and prayers.

  2. Katy,

    I just wanted to let you know that I have been reading your blog every night and I appreciate reading the updates. I also think that the writing is good therapy for you.

    Please keep it up.

    You are in my prayers. What a hard road to go down.



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