Tuesday, October 24, 2006

She's w/ her King now

...we knew the end was near. I literally stayed up ALL night w/ her. I woke my sil to help change her & give her tylenol. Her fever was incredibly high yet her hands were starting to get cold & her toes....her breathing was getting VERY shallow! I REALLY felt a NEED to be there w/ her when she died & started thinking maybe she didn't want me there & that was why she was hanging on, waiting for me to leave.

Morning came & I went to take a cat nap cause my SIL & uncle (he came down from OR) were telling me I HAD to & I figured she was doing ok for now....blood pressure steadily dropping, heart rate climbing, skin discoloration & the cool hands....but still breathing.

I REALLY wanted to get her (mom) washed up.....knowing it might be anytime now & she was so hot from the fevers. The nurse came by to check in...confirmed what we had been knowing...says it could be hours or days, never know for sure. (same thing they always said)

Finally, around noon or a bit afternoon, we finally got a chance....you know there was always other family wanting to visit w/ her.

SO we got everything ready...we're still running on empty so it was taking us longer to get our thoughts together. My brothers went to p/u nephew from school & drop off a check to funeral home (I wrote the other one wrong). Dad & other uncle went to Home Depot for trashbags or something. DH just left for work & there was a worship leader & asst. pastor here in the living room & the kidbits running around, my grandma & other aunts were in the living room & my older cousins.

So we start to change her, notice distinct purple bruising on the back of one calf......comment that it is getting REALLY soon...not aware what that really means. Turn her over & *I* notice a weird white spot on her back, I rub it & it turns into the same distinct bruising. We figure the fluids, maybe blood, in her body is starting to settle. Her lower back we also notice, is starting to look like that too, very quickly.

I get a phone call from brother from funeral home, some minor question & I take the phone & walk into the other room leaving aunt & SIL w/ mom, real quick.

They call me back....I walk in & my my aunt says quickly: it's happening. And I THINK: it's HAPPENED! I don't tell my brother but say ok bye. They roll her back onto her back all @ the same time. We, someone, says we need to cover her, we were in the middle of changing her, so we quickly grab a nice sheet & put it quickly & neatly over her. (she did have a nice pink gown on because we had just changed her into a fresh one)

It's just the 3 of us in there. I see my mom's eyes open & mouth move so I get frightened & gasp. Then her mouth moves a few more times & I gasp & feel very shaky, kinda start hyperventilating & tell my aunt that she's still breathing!!!! But then it stops---it's like in seconds this is all happening. She is gone, her eyelids are partially open & her mouth is slack. I know she is gone.

My aunt calls my uncle...on his phone, but he is in the next room & comes in....he's like, "ok, ok, it's ok, katy, girls, nancy, it's ok."

It's like we're 3 chickens w/ our heads cut off.

I am gasping frantically, I feel scared. A million thoughts are running through my head, I feel weak & think I might faint or I want too...sil is calling my name & my aunt is making a weird cry, sil tells me it's ok & is starting to cry. I am holding the wash cloth to my mouth & want to cry out or scream or something & I collapse to the floor & start crying. My heart is racing & I feel frantic.

I hear my sil talking to me, or telling me I need to get up or they need to make calls, lock the door, don't let anyone in, we need to call my dad first, need to call my brothers, don't tell my dad, tell my uncle, tell him to drive. I hear my uncle who's here calling him & just tell him COME HOME, my dad must've asked a question & he said, JUST COME HOME! And hung up.

I snap out of it. I stand up---I'm like, ok, ok, it's going to be ok, take some breathes. I kiss my mom's hands, tell her thank you for letting me be there, but I'm in a rush. I turn off the LOUD oxygen machine, I remove the hoses from her face & start brushing her hair. I immediately also put folded wash cloths under her relaxed chin so her mouth won't be open. I remembered that from my grandma. I turned on the cd player cause it had my favorite worship CD in there.....BUT I forgot to push play until way later.

She had started to look SO different when she got sick & immediately when she died I could barely look @ her face....but after awhile, she looked like her old self again {expect for the lack of color} & I was comforted.

After everyone had a chance to spend time w/ her, sil, auntie & other aunt & I finished bathing her. There wasn't much to do because we were almost done anyway. We rubbed her down w/ some fragrant lotion. Then we welcomed everyone back in if they wanted. I layed down w/ her for quite awhile & I could not contain my tears.

Time passed...eventually the mortuary arrived. Then I wanted to cry more...I wanted her to stay w/ us, be here in the room where I could touch her, rub her hands, hug her. They wanted us to leave the room while they took her out. I said no. Then my brother said no, too that he would stay w/ me. They tried to tell me I didn't want to see it...but I did. I wanted to be sure they were gentle w/ her. I felt I needed to see her go....DH told me I should not be there & gently talked me out of it.

I agreed as long as they allowed me back in the room once she was on the gurney. They said ok.

When I came back in...I expected her to be in sheets, like when the paramedics came, I expected it to possibly be over her face...I did NOT expect her to be all covered like in a body bag type thing. I was so disappointed that I could not see her. We followed her all the way out the back. Again, they tried to tell me not to watch them take her out..but I needed too. I watched them put her into the van.

Then the pastor joked, ok, who's driving? I guess he figured out by that point that I'd want to follow them too. I would if I could have. Sil said she would but I was not sure if she was joking or not so I did not take her up on the offer.

Now she is gone for reals. I will never see 'her', in my lifetime, again.

Yes, I know I will see her again in Heaven...but I miss her here....now.

5 comments:

  1. This broke my heart. I am still praying for all of you. I know that your Mom is free of all this pain she has gone through with this thing...for that, I am thanking Jesus with you. May He bring you comfort as you go through this part of the process.

    Bless you,

    Susamn

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  2. Oh KT - I'm so very sorry. I'm glad you were able to be there with her and I know she is in a better place.

    He will comfort you and be with you and your family.

    Praying for you!
    Mary

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  3. Kt-my heart goes out to you & your family. I know that no words are going to comfort you right now, but she is with GOD & your grandma. I do pary that God will comfort your family and give you peace. I Love you and your family & am truly soory for the loss of your mom. I really wish i could be there and give you big Huggs. Tiffani

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  4. Katy,

    I'm so sorry! But it did seem like she was suffering a lot, so it was best for her. Now you won't have to feel badly because she's hurting. She' in a place where there is no more pain, or sorrow, or tears.

    Continued prayers for you, I know it's not really "over" yet as you still have the funeral, etc.

    Amy

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  5. KT,
    I'm so sorry. There is no easy way to say goodbye to a loved one. I'm so glad you got to be with her.

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