It's been a week?

I didn't notice......I guess since yesterday was Halloween.

I feel fine most of the day. But the later the day wears on...the more exhausted I feel, physically. I AM forcing myself to EAT, although I have NO appetite. I AM forcing myself up & out of bed each day....to try & do the things I know need to be done---everyday life.

I have & am refusing offers of meals. Not for lack of appreciation...but because I think it will enable me all the more to NOT get out of bed. It would only be, for me, one more reason why I CAN stay in bed.

I DO get phsyically exhausted to be around 'happy people' for too long. I can only wear the 'happy face' for awhile. Amazing how that works....hanh? I dressed up for Halloween for the ktbunch....I went to church Sunday night....what else would I do? What else is there to do?

I knew it would give me a break from my children's neediness right now & they'd be fed. They are extra clingy & needy. It was not easy......I almost regretted it as soon as I arrived...but it was ok.

I think the thing I need MOST right now...is ears. Ears that are willing to listen to me describe my experiences, my thought processes & feelings. I talk things out, that is my coping mechanism...or else I will disinegrate into a useless fool of depression. And that will not help anyone, much less myself. This is how *I* deal.

The farther I get from the "traumatic event" aka: my mother's death, the more I can appreciate the amazing-ness of it.

It IS an amazing & spiritual event to witness & be a part of. Such a contrast between being w/ my mother, in her own home, when she died, as opposed to my grandmother in the care center & most likely alone.

It is such an intimate moment, like giving birth. And in an unexplainable way...it was a 'healing' moment for my soul, to be w/ my own mother. In a way like, IF, there was anything unresolved left between us, it was released & healed in my heart w/ me having the priviledge of being w/ her as she died. It is very hard for me to express in words. Almost as if it was my mother's very last act of love for me, personally.

Part of me, of course, still can't believe it is true...but I know it is. I am planning on going to her graveside tomorrow. I didn't know, but my dad & youngest brother went today. I will pick up a few balloons & write a note to send her way again. I'm sure the ktbunch will too.

I'm ok. Really. I think.
I reserve the right to change my mind @ any time though. ;-)