Happy Anniversary!

Yep 15 years today.

The tears started last night..

He didn't know but I was planning, w/ my friend, to go to a cabin in the mountains, she was going to let me/us use their time-share---we took our honey moon in the mountains. I was going to make it extra special, being the big 15 and all.

I think of last year's, we went to D-land, had a reservation to eat @ Pirates of the Caribbean...*I* had a nice time, they gave us buttons w/ mickey & minnie on them that said Happy Anniversary...we got there late...we were arguing---about what? nothing worth remembering.

NOW I think--well, duh, what's the big deal, LAST YEARS anni was FAKE anyway---AND the one before that? FAKE too!

Talk to a person EVERY FREAKING DAY for the past 15 years & he can dismiss ME so easily? WHY am *I* so NEEDY all of a sudden?
WHY do *I* feel so DESPERATE?
It's ALL I can do NOT to call him for every single little thing. I practically make up excuses to TM him....I TM him today about doing our taxes & he kinda blows me off...says he "needs to check his schedule" will let me know after THURSDAY! WTH?

Yah, he's in NO rush cause he won't get ANY of it! (his half goes to his CS arrears for OC)
Wonder if it's because he needs to ask his attorney's permission first? kwim?

I WANT him!
I WANT to be married to HIM!
Is he so great looking? no.
Is he so nice? obviously not.
WHAT IS IT?
He's MY husband is what!
Even if HE didn't mean his vows...*I* DID!

He was fun.
He was funny.
He KNEW me.
HE knew me.
He knew ME!!!!!!!!!!
He was sweet.
He cried when our children were born.
He said they were so beautiful.
He said I was beautiful.
He said he always found me beautiful.
He knew I liked blueberry muffins.
He knew I liked oreo-cookie ice cream & cookie dough ice-cream.
He liked my long neck.
He knew how to tickle me & that I hated it.
We both knew how to laugh @ our families.
We could both make fun of people secretly & we knew what we were talking about.
We had fun taking the kids to the drive-in.
We had fun going to the drive-in alone.

I HATED him the first time....sincerely, I knew that was MY CHANCE to get away...but I decided to try it for the sake of lil E....& my heart CHANGED. I fell back in love w/ him so I know it is NOT impossible. I KNOW he could love me (if he truly doesn't, which I don't believe) again if he did the RIGHT thing here. Man...do I sound pathetic or what?

I don't even care. I have to write these things...what else do I have? I'm not faking, I'm being honest.

I'm not alone, I have my girls, IRL & online. I have my support if I need it. @ church, I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to say the truth--what's happening.

People ask me how I'm doing---I will tell them straight out---My life has fallen apart! How's your's? kwim? Well, unless I REALLY don't know them. lol

This sux. The first time...I hid away---didn't want anyone to know---maybe because I felt & believed I was partly responsible (I'll own that)---but THIS time....NO WAY! I KNOW I am NOT responsible for ANY part of this. I DID NOT create an environment of 'vulnerability' for my Dh, or anything like that. HE did this ALL on his own & he knows it!

What to do today? What to do?

Let's see:
go to a 'mandatory' parenting class @ the courthouse---lame
email E & tell him of my anni plans in a desperate attempt to make a heartless man feel guilty---lame
TM KK & thank her for being such a BIG part of my anniversary---lame
take lil E to an 'art' class---might be good for him
hole up in my room {that i share w/ my 2 littles & my nephews}---impossible
take a very long run in the morning---wouldn't be long enough
treat myself to a massge---not a very wise financial move
sit in the shower till the hot water runs out---possible but not long enough

Aaahhhh...choices, choices, decisions, decisions. :'(

Unless any of these actually lasted ALL day---none will fit the bill.

I am trapped here. I can't run away---it's all I really want to do which sux cause it ALWAYS works in the movies.

Contrary to my latest blogging habits...this isn't consuming me...we went to the nature center yesterday & I felt like a really good mom...but I just don't have my upload tool for my memory card to upload my pix so easily. lol But I'll post about it when I can.