Wednesday, January 30, 2008

15 years ago...

I gave birth to my 1st child, my oldest son.

The conception & pregnancy were a bit stressful. Dh & I were immature & irresponsible. We were engaged & then got pg, & then got married sooner than planned.

But knowing I had a life inside me....I was unaware how much that would change me, as a person, as a woman & as a child of God.

He was born 6 weeks premature, by cesarean...barely 4lbs 1oz. I was in the hospital for a few days & he for a week.

Due to the cause & complications of his eyesight was out of whack so my first memory of him is a literal 'blur'.

Once he was born....he was the most tiniest thing I had ever seen. He was skinny & wrinkly & fragile & I knew w/ every ounce of my being that I would do ANYTHING for him. ANYTHING.

It was then that God first began to reveal to me His unconditional love. This amazing creature, who's very birth could have killed me, overwhelmed me w/ a sense of love I had never known. He did not earn it, he did nothing for me to convince me to love him (as any mother knows, quite the contrary actually), but when I held him & knew he was mine.....the love was overpowering.

Almost heart breaking.

It was then that I began to realize how miniscule I was to God...& yet, He loved me...& always would. I did nothing for Him. I did not earn His love in any way. It was just there.

I was responsible for this child, his very life. He depended on me for nourishment, comfort, cleanliness & immeasurable amounts of care. There was a season that he would cry for hours for no apparent reason & it did not dissuade my love.

He did nothing to show appreciation or return my love in anway. And I loved him.
I knew he depended on me for everything. And I loved him.
As he grew, he would sometimes disappoint. And I loved him.
He would disobey. And I loved him.

But that initial stirring within me, within my that helpless tiny creature...was beyond anything I had ever felt. I would lay down my very life for this child. My child.

As I realized my Heavenly Father would for me. Did for me.

This creature, ended any ideas I had of thinking my life was somehow my own. Pregnancy alone begins that process. I could no longer eat or do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, w/ my self, my body. I had another human being growing within me, depending on me to eat healthy & take care of myself. Never again, would I be able to live w/o thinking of the effects my life & choices within my life would have on another human being.

I couldn't imagine what he would look like when he was born....much less 15 years later. I couldn't even imagine 15 years later. period! lol He's basically my twin, except w/ brown eyes, brown skin & a penis. Seriously. His mannerisms & personality traits too.

Lately though, as he is getting older & truly developing into a young man...he is looking & becoming more like his father. It's interesting.

Never, could I have imagined, what a blessing, a helpless, needy, overwhelming human being, would be to my my child & as my God.

It's been an amazing priviledge.

1 comment:

  1. Awwww...what a beautiful tribute to your young man! Happy birthday to him. Praising God for all He's taught you through this experience.




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