Sunday, October 24, 2010

Happy REbirthday mom!

Yah...so today was mom's REbirthday.  It was another weird weather day....sunny, warm then cold & misty again.  I thought I wanted to go to the cemetery...but Sunday's are the most crowded days.  I thought it might be nice to have a family dinner, reminisce...but, yah that didn't happen.  

I've missed her more recently. Interesting.  There have been a few moments I have sincerely wished she was here to talk to, ask advice or invite to go w/ me to the craft store or something mundane like that.  Or even just wished she was here so I could tell he some news of the day or call her because I was bored....

Life is so busy lately, I feel like I don't even have time to sit & *think*. What are you gonna do?  So much has changed that I can't control.  

I do know what I can impact though is the future.  How this relates between my mother & I, is my own relationship with my daughter.  I was so afraid when my mom got sick & I knew she would not recover--SO afraid of what I would do with my daughter, how could I raise her with out my mom?  Specifically because both of them were such needy personalities that I felt caught in the middle of.  They were actually quite perfect for each other.  But God had chosen *me* for her mother, not my mom. Why?

What did he see in me that could benefit my daughter? Or...what was He going to teach me, through my daughter? 

I was so afraid to fail my daughter, afraid I could never be what she needed.  Well, what other choice did I have? I embraced it and embraced her.  Her individuality, her unique personality, the way God had created *her* to be--so unlike the way He created *me* to be.   My mother always expected me to be her best friend...that is a lot of pressure & a huge role for a little girl to fulfill.  I don't expect that of my daughter, however, I aim to be the friend and mother she wants or needs.

Sometimes that means she is my side kick, my muse, my creative inspiration.  We have a lovely time browsing the ribbon store, dreaming of all the creations we are going to create together.  Sometimes it's a few hours at the thrift store, digging for buried treasure, trying on shoes. haha! We love our shoes! 

I'm rewarded with sweet letters of unconditional love & adoration, words of affirmation telling me how I am the best mom in the world and how happy she is that *I* am her mom.

One thing I have learned along the way, along this short journey, so far, is to embrace rather than run away from the unknown of what could be.  Let go of the fear of not being good enough.  God chose me, He chose her, He put us together, as mother and daughter.  He gave me a responsibility, one He apparently thought I could handle---this fiesty handful of a little female!

I don't know the twists and turns our relationship will take as she grows older.  I do know that I cherish every opportunity I have now, with her.  Every moment of opportunity to *build* relationship with her, build a trust and a bond that will run deep.  Build a trust that I will be honest with her, I will love and accept her.  

Mainly, that I will not push her away because she is who she is.  Even when who she is, is nothing I think can relate to. 

And, I think in those moments, when I can't possibly relate, I realize more of who *I* am.

2 comments:

  1. You're so beautiful in your vulnerability, Katy.

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