Thursday, September 15, 2011

Destined to Fail

Somedays I wake up and I just know.

I do everything in my power to prevent it. I will change, I think. I will prevent it by being more organized, so nothing is lost. Time can be salvaged when I have everything in it's place. I will be grateful for all I have. I will be content. I will be more diligent about accomplishing all these things. I am spiritual--I know it's not in my own strength-so there is no need for epiphany from that angle.

I will go to sleep earlier so I can get up earlier. I am doing what I am meant to do. Everything is in order. And yet....the failure comes. Perhaps, it is the unaccounted for unknowns, the variables in life. It's not even something major--but it's there.

The giant F word that is scarier and bigger than the other 4-letter word.

FAILURE.

Oh people will tell you it's not a failure IF you learn something from it. So I try to make amends by searching for the lesson; vowing to learn it, know it, memorize it and prevent ever encountering the F word again. It's uncomfortable. It's irritating. It makes you squirm. Like a piece of sand in your shoe. I know it's there and it won't kill me or even cause a blister but it's there and it's not meant to be.

Somedays it doesn't seem so over whelming.

Other days, it's everything.

The printer has run out of ink-when I need it. Figure it out. I think running late-but there's a still a chance. I've got everything packed but still I forgot something. I have to turn around; lateness is now inevitable. Being late is undesirable but it happens. I'll be there and that is what is important. The classroom door is locked. Go around, get everything ready first. Can't find what I need. Swore I packed it. Near tears for something that is not worth crying about but it feels so important. What's two absences in 16 weeks worth of classes? It's not perfect attendance-that's what. And it's a million other adjectives I don't want to be.

Perfection. Obviously is unattainable. I know that. I have accepted it in some areas...other areas it comes naturally, perfection or excellence is easy. Something gives, or not.

Failure is part of everything. Not to be avoided, maybe? Embraced. Accepted.

There will be failure.

Being a human that fails-is such a cliche. So normal.
Can I just avoid that part? :-)
Let's call it something else. Something less formal--and less final.
Failure period.
Can it be "Failure comma"? Or "Failure semi-colon"--like a checklist! Be sure you accomplish that honey-do list of failures today. sweet smile. sparkle tooth. ding!

I can embrace and accept I failed today. I will choose something else to succeed at but it might not be until next week. For now-I'll call it a wash. I give up. Stop fighting. When I stop fighting, it's not as uncomfortable anymore. I take a deep breathe and settle in. I'm still here.

I see a water fountain, the back of it is spraying a skinny but strong stream of water. Broken pipe. The pipe has failed it's intended purpose. But it's not leaking all over the sidewalk. It's streaming into a rose bush and other foliage and grass. The water isn't exactly wasted, you just won't be able to drink from it for awhile. It makes me laugh because the way it's spraying makes me think of pee. Obviously, my inner 11 year old needed to take a break from all this 'adulthood' for a minute. I want to take a picture-but I know it won't mean anything to anyone else. It's a significant failure. And I'm laughing about it, aloud.


2 comments:

  1. I try not to think of every miss as a failure but chalk it up to another thing that didn't go exactly as I wish it did. I have a lot of those moments.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Your word verification asked me to type "in sin". Is it trying to tell me something? Hehehe.

    ReplyDelete

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