Friday, August 17, 2012


I feel like I'm truly going to crack into a million shattered pieces. It's beyond overwhelming. My life feels as if it's in shambles. My support system is currently unavailable. The support that really should be there-here-and the whole reason I'm in the place I am to begin with-isn't.

I'm bleeding out...again. Did I ever really stop? I guess it just slowed down. Occasionally it gushes.
Not tonight. This isn't gushing.

So I, isolate myself. I avoid. I go to my room. Do my kids really need to see me crying, again. They always follow. The tears spill out at any given moment.
For no reason. For every reason. For the same reason.

A deep breath. Back together. I'm not a million pieces.
I'm just one piece-in a story of a million moments.

It's lonely-in my head. It's been a long time, I think. Dreams, hopes, a planned future destroyed and I don't even have an explanation as to why. I wish I knew. Because I'd fix it. I would.

I've prayed, been praying and prayed some more. Yes, I do read my Bible. Daily, for hours. I pray for hours. A girl's gotta eat at some point right? I've fasted. I'm fasting again.

I listen to God. I listen for God.

I take it to the Lord. I cast my cares upon Him. I lay my burdens the foot of the cross.
I put on my armor. I encourage others. I give myself pep talks. I praise. I put on make-up. I wear the nice skirt. I clean, I smile, I rest, I read, I dance. I cry out to the only one who truly hears...and knows the desires of my heart.
I can't shake it. I can't let go.

Still--I'm here, at the end of the day, facing it. Alone.
I am alone.
Don't tell me I'm not alone. When you aren't here. No one sees these parts. These moments...these memories...and the analysis that happens, repeatedly, in my head.
That I can't shake. I can't let go.

There isn't anything you can do to make it better.
No one can really understand what I'm standing for.
Or why. I'm not sure I understand. It's just...
I can't shake it. I can't let go.

It seems ridiculous, most days, even to me. Yet...
I can't shake it. I can't let it go.
I certainly can't get over it.
I'm not trying to make anything happen. I'm not trying to win approval.
But I still can't shake it. I can't let go.

I ask for dreams, insights, revelation.
Words, a voice, confirmation.
But I still can't shake it. I can't let go.

I suppose I should.
I know I'm not the problem, not really. I'm not the solution either.
I wish I was-both.
I'd do whatever I needed to do. I'd fix it. I would.
But I can't. Can't even fix me.
I can't shake it. I can't let go.

I've surrendered. A million times, given up.
Then I wake up, the sun is rising again. So do I.
And I still can't shake it. I can't let go.

I'm the only one holding on. Holding a hope in an empty hand.
Faith from a broken heart-in the impossible. 
A dream. A future. A hope. A faith.
That I just can't shake. Just, can't, let go.

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