Thursday, March 14, 2013

Grace is for Failures

It's been over a year now, since the Mr. and I separated. I guess I can finally say it, or write it 'aloud' now. It's been a challenging, heart-breaking and gut-wrenching year. To say the least when I want to say the most.

I didn't expect it to be this long. I've never expected to be on my own and definitely not with four kids (even if one is an adult) in tow. I never wanted to be. We're far enough away from impact now that I know for certain we can never, ever go back. I thought that was what I was longing for, hoping for--to go back.

It isn't really. It doesn't even matter what I was hoping for anymore, anyway. The past is dead and gone--or it should be...even if we keep looking back, we can never return.

All that we have is the present and the future. I choose to look forward with optimistic expectation.

I hope to continue on a journey of grace, from now until forever. It's a hard word to hold on to and I think it's only been within the past couple days that it finally began to permeate my soul. We toss it around. We desire it, we crave it. We like to think we are masters at giving it, extending it...but I don't think we are.

I think we're failures at it. We suck at grace. We suck at forgiveness with out strings attached. We suck at love. At least the unconditional kind.

We think unconditional love is about smiling instead of growling when the toilet seat is left up. When really it's about forgiving when all your left with is the $hi+  what's IN the toilet!

When the one you think you love is nothing like you ever imagined and you choose to remain in love. When you choose to accept all the broken pieces. When you allow others the freedom to choose to really  f**k  mess things up. The freedom to choose to be nothing like you've ever wanted to find grace.

The grace you were looking for all along. You find the grace you need to let go. Let go of expectation. Let go of disappointment. Or at least I am. I am finding it. I am free to love regardless. I am free to forgive.

I am free to accept that I can not return to the past. And that is ok. The future is and will remain bright with hope. Something new and different is here. It's been developing all along and I am very excited about it. Freedom ushers it in.

Grace for honest. It exposes. Exposure of my failed heart. I failed to love adequately. I failed to be honest with myself and with others. Grace is for the afraid. Grace comes in to say, it's ok. Grace loves and it forgives and...maybe there is more.

Grace smiles when it's done crying. Surrenders when it's done striving.
Grace faces each day ready to give in abundance.

Grace can feel elusive but it's been there all along.
Grace believes in the impossible and waits for it.
Grace has been in every moment leading to this moment right now. It  remains. It's here to stay.


Grace was born for a manger.

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