I don't want to 'settle' anymore. I'm tired of settling. I'm tired of this feeling and attitude of just having to *accept* second best. I want to be a person who doesn't shrink back from challenge. Doesn't shy away from challenging people, places or situations. Are you stronger than me? Good!
I want to be surrounded by people who can challenge me to be stronger, strive harder, pray for the impossible. Where are those souls? The ones who aren't trying to suppress or oppress voices? The ones who aren't threatened or insecure. The ones who don't feel like a stronger voice is competition for their own agenda and self-promotion.
I want to be a person who isn't afraid to take God at His word. To believe He truly IS the God of the impossible. To challenge God to BE all that He claims he is. I'm not looking for the comfortable life.
I'm seeking the passionate life. The one that says: yes, I do have a voice and I want to hear yours. Yes, I am strong but only because I have friends and lovers strong enough to allow me to be me. A life that admits when I AM weak and trusts God's strength to help me continue on in passion for Him. Passion to change a life. Passion to change my life. Passion to admit God is changing my life.
A passion that declares the goodness of God while we're in the middle of shoveling manure. Where are those people? I know a few of them...
I want a life that says there is more than just life...there is a promise of abundant life.
A life that declares joy. A life that grieves as passionately as it strives to celebrate. A life that refuses to believe in the impossible. A life willing to face challenge, embrace it, believing there is more than this. There is beauty around us. A life that refuses to walk away from love. A life that refuses to believe it can be nothing more than mediocre.
I refuse to believe life is meant to be so hard or depressing or sad and joyless. NO! I refuse. I refuse to admit defeat except when I'm acknowledging that I've been doing it in my own strength, power & limited knowledge void of divine intervention. A life that admits it can feel hard sometimes but embraces it anyway. A life that is not afraid of doing the hard things when it is the right thing to do.
I embrace the future because God says the future He has for me is one of hope, of prosperity. I am surrounded by prosperity. I not only have what I need but what I want. My cup runs over. I sit at a banqueting table, before my enemies and His banner over me is LOVE!
I am surrounded by love. I am surrounded by grace. I have so much that I can extend it beyond myself. I want a life that exemplifies grace and lets go of anger.
I want a life that holds tighter to the promises than to material things. A life that says, whatever I have is yours. Do you need something? Do I have what you need or want? If so, you are welcome to it. Every *thing* is replaceable and temporary.
A life that values people and time. I want to walk in God's time and realize that every moment is precious. Every moment is an opportunity to feel passionate. I don't want a life that is self-seeking. I want a life that serves, passionately. I want to be a lover, a passionate lover.
I want to tell you that God IS real. He loves You. He with holds no good thing from You. I want to admit I am nothing with out the power of Christ within me. I want you to know that I can only stand, write, speak, pray and love because of the grace of Christ running through my veins and beating within my heart.
I want you to know, like I know, that LOVE wins! I want the faith that moves a mountain. I want a life that is free. I am free to forgive, regardless.
I want a partner that isn't trying to change me or remake me into their ideal. A partner that says I want you to be who Christ has created you to be. An equal partner in this life that isn't ruled by insecurity and fear. One that refuses to stay in a place of failure but walk in grace and is willing to passionately strive for excellence. I desire a friend that's willing to fight through it, fight through doubt to find the love. Fight through disappointment, fear and failure. A lover IS a fighter! Where is THAT strength? The strength that fights mediocrity!
I want to BE that partner. The one that admits I have failed horribly and I refuse to stay there! I don't want to lower my standards, I want friends who are willing to raise theirs. I want a life that is willing to stop and stare at the sky and bask in His presence and awesome creation. One that charges forward and slows down to bring others along side.
I want to live a life that feels sorrow and still desperately clings to hope and LIFE. A life that LIVES.
I'm tired of fear filled, scared, half-lived living. Let's create a life that holds the scriptures as truth...not just the easy parts that we are confident in. Even the scriptures that we doubt...we hold tightly. I want friends willing to wrestle with God until we receive the blessings He's promised.
I want a community that isn't afraid to wrestle with God. I want friends, neighbors and family that consider Christ a friend and lover, not just this far away, distant God that lives beyond the stars, in judgment.
Can we be friends like that? Friends that make time? Embrace time. Friends that have the hard conversations that always lead back to truth. Friends who don't fear truth. Friends who desire truth more than soft words.
Am I that friend? Probably not. But I want to be. Friends who want to PRAY through tears and fears and sorrow and disappointment. I want friends who've been through the valley and aren't afraid to admit it. Friends who are IN the valley and feeling afraid but are moving forward anyway. I'm looking for friends who can be lovers...lovers of my soul, lovers willing to get dirty, lovers who desire to see grace work. Lovers willing to stay and help shovel the manure. I want friends who will pray for the impossible, beyond their own doubts.
I'm tired of pretense. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of playing church, playing house, playing friends.
I'm tired of playing at life, coasting through, just hoping to make it out alive.
News Flash: we're NOT going to make it out alive!
The time for living is NOW. Life is not a lay over to eternity. Life is what makes eternity worth it. Life IS dirty. Let's stop pretending it isn't. Stop pretending like we have it together. I'm ready to lay my cards out on the table and admit I've really EFFED it up!
And guess what? I have NO idea how to clean it up. I can't. I'm not cool, not trendy, not hip. I don't have it all together. I'm often one breath away from throwing a brick through someone's window. I'm witty when I'm angry. I've hurt people. I've lost it. I'm standing here, covered in manure, with a torn heart on my sleeve. I'm needy and often pathetic.
My nose has run down my face and I've used my shirt to wipe it.
And here I am.
You'll fail me. I'll love you. I'll forgive you. I'll want to hold a grudge and be angry and hate you and gossip about you. I want to prove my point. I want to be right...all.the.time. I want to win. I am competitive. I really want to have the last word.
Jesus loves me anyway. And His grace fills my heart to over-flowing when I think of you. It's Him, not me. And the failure--it's me, not Him. His divine love over powers me because I surrender. I admit total, utter and complete failure.
He died. Passionately.
For me. For you. For the friends and lovers and neighbors and family I have.
For the friends and lovers and neighbors and family I want to have.
For the friends and lovers and neighbors and family that I have yet to meet.
I am a passionate failure.
I am ready to embrace other passionate failures...that are ready and willing to join me in fighting our way OUT of this manure. Let's keep digging until we uncover the grace that is sufficient.
Hey! Maybe I just met you...and this is passionately crazy...
But, let's be friends. Call me! Maybe?
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