Sunday, July 5, 2015

Fear, Anger and Fireworks

MY Liberty!
One of those moments you aren't prepared for. Everything inside, you were trying to repress all day suddenly goes hay wire and escapes with out your permission.

His sparkler shot out at me, right into my arm. The searing pain signaled my brain it was ok to release everything that had been held in. I screamed as I did a strange dance, believing I was catching on fire or about to.

I felt shaky--the fight or flight adrenaline rush in full affect. My knee-jerk reaction was to scream and punch him in the shoulder.

He had a great time swimming.
I don't know exactly why I felt so tense, to begin with, but as the fireworks started it only got worse. Maybe it was the lack of control...illegal fireworks shooting around me-who knows where they might land or which one would be the one that required an ambulance to come speeding down the street for the night's reckless tragedy, or what other unpredictable predicament the neighborhood may find itself in.

I kept taking deep breathes, reminding myself there was nothing to fear. Kids were lighting small smoke bombs with blow torches. No one else seemed to mind. In the end, I found myself apologizing for being upset that I was hurt and reacted with an uncontrollable emotional response.

Asking myself later if my emotional outburst was even warranted. I don't know. How do people normally react when they are unexpectedly struck with something that is burning/on fire/spitting embers left and right?

Maybe they are much more emotionally controlled and calm enough to assess the immediate moment with out second guessing. Maybe they have no fears and nothing to be angry about. Or maybe my reaction was a perfectly normal one to have when you think you might be on fire? I feel concerned that I don't know.

This incident reminds me of one reason why I never purchase fireworks and we always go to professional firework shows.

Before all that, we spent the afternoon with friends...typical barBq, pool and sun. The kids have really gotten closer since we've been hiking together every week.

I have a *thing* for photo booths...
There were other potential plans, that had become somewhat of a tradition, but to be honest, I wasn't up for it. Too much pressure to pretend our family is something we're not...and pressure to pretend we are friends with people we really aren't. I decided to go where it would feel emotionally and relationally 'safe' for all of us, with friends that we could relax with.

We had a great time over all. I really wanted to go to Knott's afterward to watch the firework show there but I ended up feeling so exhausted. Maybe from the adrenaline rushing...

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