It's a harsh moment of grief when your children tell you they would like you to 'move on' and 'get involved' (meaning fall in love and get married) with someone new, not for your own happiness but for theirs. So they could feel loved instead of rejected, feel financially supported instead of lack.
My heart breaks.
It's one thing to carry your own burden of hurt but when you see your children hurting, it's an unstoppable ache.
I know that desire. The feeling of being unwanted regardless of how much love and acceptance surrounded me. Nothing could satisfy the longing that plagued my heart from the biological connection that never was.
The emptiness that formed and shaped my self prescribed identity.
Now, as a mother, I know that nothing on earth can fill that emptiness, not a man, a lover, a father or husband.
It's a God gap we all carry.
It manifests in different forms and we create a word or a blame for it. Maybe it was daddy or mommy, husband or wife, maybe it was grandma or a different type of unspeakable trauma...that left us battle worn and gun shy. Feeling lost and alone at times, still a trembling little kid in a cynical adult body.
We don't realize when we're young usually. At least I didn't. It was that ignorance that got me here, I think.
I was sure my marriage and family would be my happily ever after.
Not, instead, a series of before and afters.
I can't fill the holes in their hearts myself. I could try and burden myself with guilt, shame, regret, distraught over my never ending efforts. Only to come the same conclusion...There's nothing I can do. I am not the great healer. How I wish I was. I wish I could fix it all. I wish I could love the emptiness out of them. Love the pain away.
My fractured love would only be a temporary band-aid at best.
My tears flow for all of us.
Not because I feel the situation is hopeless, but because I feel it deeply too. I feel the pain for all of us. The grief is real. Loss is real. Trauma is real.
We're all carrying it, looking for the answers, often in the wrong places, creating what feels like, a bigger mess than before.
We're looking for black and white, and creating a mash-up in shades of grey.
It won't work.
I can say that I believe God.
I trust Him.
He is the only perfect Father.
The perfect One.
The perfect everything.
I have seen Him work in my children's hearts and lives.
He produces good fruit.
He is the only one who could heal our hurts.
Heal our hearts.
How I wish it was as easy as finding a new man, a new father, a new lover.
I had a father. A good one too.
He wasn't the one.
He loved and accepted me, while in my mother's womb, and yet...
My heart still yearned for the one that wasn't there.
As Christ knelt in that garden crying, "Abba, Father..." (Mark 14:36)
Our hearts still cry out, "Take this from me!"
Though often, in silence.
He knew our longing to feel close.
It starts there, with the Father.
God is the good Father.
There is none other like Him.
He hears you momma.
He hears your children.
He is not far from you.
There is none other like Him.
He hears you momma.
He hears your children.
He is not far from you.
I don't have to fix it and neither do you.
Our attempts would be mediocre at best.
I leave it in His hands.
I will show my children that someone else, is not the answer, and never will be. It's a grief that needs to be felt, even deep. Through it, glory is revealed. I don't know how or when. I only know God is the answer. Another man, lover or husband is not going to make all my, or their, pain go away. If it could, my family wouldn't be where it is today.
Nothing can satisfy.
Pursue God, momma, with all that is in you, or even just a fraction of what is in you, if that is all you have. Pursue Him and keep pressing forward. You will win this race and you will finish well.
I am crying. This is so beautiful. I can't begin to tell you what a privilege it is to know you. You bring your Heavenly Father so much joy! I can't even begin to imagine how much! You're a beautiful woman, with a beautiful soul who has such a beautiful way with words.
ReplyDelete"My heart still yearned for the one who wasn't there." That line is the grabber for me. I have felt that all throughout my life. This really resonates with me. So many of us are trying to fill a gaping hole, some with drugs or sex or by spending and spending on meaningless things. I wrote a poem when I was 12 about being stuck at the bottom of an endless pit and wishing someone would reach down and pull me out but I was so far down there that no one knew and no one could find me. If I understand you correctly, you're suggesting that we are all suffering from a celestial form of separation anxiety. It's a fascinating thought. That would explain the sorrow, or at least some of it. Thank you for sharing this. It improves the human family when we share our pain and understand each other better. We will all be better for having been through this ordeal that is life.
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